Me, Myself, and I

[Sarah_S]

Amidst my journey of self discovery and acceptance, I have a concern that hovers over me significantly: am I schizzo?

Now that my femme desires are allowed out, I am digging into my psyche and heart to come to an acceptance of myself. The last few years I toyed with an alter-personality (a macho cowboy, handsome might I say), knowing truly that it isn't me, infact it was a bit sarcastic for my own amusement. Now, since I've allowed myself to explore the lady in me, I am starting to speak of this lady in me in third person. I have a name for my femme side; Sarah (not sure about the name yet). The fact that I haven't come out to anyone but my closest friend doesn't allow me to incorporate my whole self in conversation with my friend comfortably, especially since I still don't have an understanding of my whole self. I don't feel the need to categorize or pinpoint my identity, however, I do want to settle into my being.

It scares me to separate my personality into specific categories and such things are uncomfortable. I don't think there is any one category that I seem to fit into, such as crossdresser, crossgender, transgender, transexual, boy, girl, etc. Still a lot of processing and researching going on for me.

I hope and desire for feedback and opinions from you lady's about how this identity crisis has settled for you. How do you deal with the dualism imposed by society on gender, and how you can see yourself and speak of yourself? I feel weird speaking about Sarah, as if she is not myself. I feel like in doing so it is separating me from me. At this point, I am finding great comfort and relief enfemme, and the conditioned male part of me is something I am also comfortable with. I am afraid of becoming schizzo or something like that. aaaaahhh!

Thank you for your feedback,

Sarah

[Anthony Simon]

Amidst my journey of self discovery and acceptance, I have a concern that hovers over me significantly: am I schizzo?

...It scares me to separate my personality into specific categories and such things are uncomfortable. I don't think there is any one category that I seem to fit into, such as crossdresser, crossgender, transgender, transexual, boy, girl, etc.

I hope and desire for feedback and opinions from you lady's about how this identity crisis has settled for you. How do you deal with the dualism imposed by society on gender, and how you can see yourself and speak of yourself?

Well, I wouldn't call what I have an identity crisis, but then it isn't settled yet. I see myself as having an inner (self) which, when I'm on my own and reflective, feels somewhere between a man and a woman. My male self isn't terribly male, but nor is it female enough for me to draw flak. I think that's kind of dishonest, on the one hand....But on the other, I think part of me feels humiliated by the fact that I don't fulfil society's idea of "a man" and that holds me back. I have a big conflict over it.

My female side, I'd say, is still developing. Like it's getting more intense and deep the way it takes me over sometimes. That's overall, but when I'm wearing the clothes it goes up and down a lot. It definitely feels like a different person to male me - though the (few) decent pictures of female me just look like me if I were a woman (IMO).

That might suggest a kind of schizophrenia, except that in terms of my inner (self), male me seems like an extension in one direction and female me an extension in the other. So then the schizophrenia would just be apparent.

But, when I was in my 20s, I got overwhelmed by the dressing up feelings and felt that I would go mad - as in lose my inner self - if I followed them up. That was a difficult time for me per se - not just to do with the dressing up - but it's still a fear I've got about it, of losing my inner self. It seems like a very long slow process to wherever I have to go, but I'd say it's still working (touch wood).

[Anita]

Hi Sarah--
Welcome to the forum. A long-departed member of this forum said that it drove her crazy when people talked about their gal selves in the third person, and I listened to her. Since then, I always refer to myself as "Anita-me," or "When I go out dressed as a woman...", and similar statements. I don't hang "Anita" out to dry in the third person.

I'm a different person as a woman, and this was emphasized Friday night at my support group, where almost everyone else is living fulltime as women. They don't live in both genders anymore, so they don't have to think about this issue. I still do.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Sounds like taking on the personer of some other person,

the best i can come up with is being a member of our SCA renaissance group and it was thought i was a male dressing and taking on the personer of a woman going back into our times 1400 -1700.

And one woman said to me that it would take guts to do that , i thought oh wow, never entered in my thinking so before she talked with me she like many others 250 members watched me and my manerisms and how i interacted with others , of cause i did not know any of this so was a surprise to me, and then she came to me and said to me your not a male are you.so we talked for over an hour, my answer was and is the same no im not a male im an intersexed female, who is a woman.

Being female i dont understand this a male dressing then talking about being dressed as a woman and then refer to this other person as though she does not exsit yet brings her to life when you all change your clothes from male to be like a woman .

To me its like your bring the clothes to life, much like my saying of this refers to females they can wear thier clothes and bring them to life, i on the other hand just wear them. story behind that of cause,

The other point is thinking of having two personalitys i know it happens and iv been around case's of this nature ......interesting,

...noeleena...

[DonnaT]

I am just me in what ever mode I'm in, only with a name/pronoun change when out.

No third person speak for me.

[Martina Hall]

Sarah, don't worry about being Schizo or crazy or weird. And I don't give much thought about what other folks think, can't fix stupid. We CD earthlings cover a wide spectrum, from fetishists who get aroused by putting on fem clothes, to the men who actually want to be women, and take drastic ( IMHO) measures such as surgery, to part-time occasional transvestites. I consider myself in this latter category. I don't dress everyday, and I don't "underdress". Most of the time, I'm just Mr. regular guy, although I do try to keep my nails in good shape, and a little long. Sometimes I'll get a comment on my nails, but hardly ever about my two pierced ears. Go figure. When someone comments on my nails, I should say, " You should see them with the shimmery polish on them", but usually am too slow on the snappy comeback.
Go with the flow, sister, and don't let some folks opinion define you or change what you do.

Rest assured, you are not weird. At least not to the members of this forum.

[Paulette]

Good advice here, but I'd go easy on loading your third-person self with a lot of attention and energy. I've always disliked the distancing of self that that entails. You're probably not schizo, but you can put together a good imitation of it by practicing it a lot.

There is only one you. Integrate rather than fractionate.

[Davita]

Hi Sarah, I used to talk about me in third person in open/public conversation so I could talk freely. When not in a public environment, that third person became, me, I, myself, and this girl. I found it pretty convenient and it allowed for a normal conversation without wispers and looking over our shoulders for who's listening.

As it is now, I'm mostly out, but will be a little softer while at work. I am in a Dilbert world and I know first hand that people hear and learn fast. It's hard to come out to a person who's been hearing conversations even if unitentionally.