The emergence of Michelle.

[Michelle Diane]

Oh boy that's a title to live up to....where to start?

Okay lets start there. I guess Michelle came out around puberty, before then I had an inkling that something was amiss as I never fitted the male gender stereotype for my age, true I played rough and tumble, football, cricked, rugby but it never felt right. Puberty hits and the hormones run amok after about 6 months it settled and I knew I wasn't quite "right" I was getting more and more urges in the female persuasion I wanted nice girls clothes and shoes, to grow my hair out and to experiment with makeup.

One day when my parents were out I sneaked into their bedroom and my mums wardrobe and drawers. I put on panties tights a skirt and blouse. Something was missing to I put on one of her bras, never forget it it was lilac and under wired. A few pairs of socks later and I had breasts under the blouse. Some of mums clip on earrings and a quick dabble with her makeup bag being careful to put everything back as it came out and I looked at myself in the mirror.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say, hand on heart, I liked what I saw in the mirror. It felt right looking out through my eyes to see a girl looking back at me.

The urge to be Michelle grew as I got older and on my weekends and holidays I was Michelle 24/7, I bought my own wardrobe, some wigs, shoes, forms etc and was happy.

Then at the age of 40 fate intervened and met and married a wonderful woman who made me feel truly happy a kind of soul pleasing happy I didn't know existed. not knowing how she would react to Michelle, Michelle she went away and has been in the closet for the past 15 years only coming out on rare occasions when my wife is out of town. But recently about the last five years the yearning for Michelle has become overpowering and I so long to be her again sometimes it painful just to be me. There been a few times when it was so bad I burst into tears, luckily when my wife was in bed so she's none the wiser

One day I hope I can pluck up the courage to tell Joanne about Michelle and that she tolerates her or even better openly accepts her. My fantasy is for both of us to have a day out as friends Michelle and Joanne.

[Davita]

Welcome to the forum. Coming out after so long has it's complications. Just a heads up, you will never find the right moment or the right conversation. Nature seems to work against us that way. You will just need to decide and do it... You can prepare for it and get your ducks in a row, but you wont be able to make that ideal moment happen as planned.

So one question is, does she have an open mind? Does she accept other alternate lifestyles? If yes to all the above, then your bigger worries about the hiding and deceit she might feel. This is where an SO GG should chime in - hint hint, please.

[Michelle Diane]

Hello Davita,
Yes she's very open to alternative lifestyles and has a live and let live attitude towards them. Before we were married she had an apartment in Spokane and the guy across the hall kept having this beautiful woman come by at all hours. It wasn't until she got to know him better she plucked up the courage and asked about his girlfriend. The guy's name was Greg and he was somewhat flattered by Joannes remark he said it was Davina and he was a drag artist at a local club Davina his alter ego. Well they struck up a friendship and her and Davina used to go out together, I've even seen photos of them in old albums and he was 100% passable totally believable. So she accepts the LGBT lifestyle completely.

[Robyn]

Hi Michelle,

It sounds like your conversation with Joanne about Davina would have been the opportune time to introduce your cross-dressing. Oh well, but nevertheless, her being familiar and open to a man presenting as a woman gives you an edge. I sincerely hope you have the opportunity to bring it out and all is well.

[Stephanie Stevens]

Things work in mysterious ways, maybe your wife will welcome Michelle into hers. My guideing thought is "Faith". I need to remember that I have faith that my life will be guided in the direction that was meant to be for me. It sounds to me like you could have faith that by allowing Michelle to meet your wife your lives will follow their natural paths as a result. This is another time to have faith in the positive nature of an unknown future. I hope you find your happiness, Stephanie Stevens

[Anthony Simon]

...Davina and he was a drag artist at a local club Davina his alter ego. Well they struck up a friendship and her and Davina used to go out together...

The thought I had after reading this was that your wife married you because somewhere she was also responding to the part of you that likes to dress up. Like unconsciously she's attracted to that part of you.

[Michelle Diane]

Possible, quite possible??? be nice if that were true. I know one reason she married me because, in her words, "You're the most girly guy I've ever known" I think the PC term is metrosexual. Hey what can I say I'm in tune with my feelings. Also I will freely admit I like the movie "The Holiday".

[Michelle Diane]

Hi Michelle,

It sounds like your conversation with Joanne about Davina would have been the opportune time to introduce your cross-dressing. Oh well, but nevertheless, her being familiar and open to a man presenting as a woman gives you an edge. I sincerely hope you have the opportunity to bring it out and all is well.

I agree it would have been the perfect time. But unfortunately I'm, by nature, very self-effacing and always have been so I guess I chickened out and let the moment pass by. Funny thing is the only time I’m not self-effacing is when I'm Michelle or there's an emergency situation that needs attention. Then a whole new me comes out....scary sometimes

[Anthony Simon]

...one reason she married me because, in her words, "You're the most girly guy I've ever known"...

Put this together with:

a wonderful woman who made me feel truly happy a kind of soul pleasing happy I didn't know existed.

The suggestion is part of the reason for that happiness is she allowed you to be your inner girl without dressing up. And so:

not knowing how she would react to Michelle, Michelle she went away and has been in the closet for the past 15 years only coming out on rare occasions when my wife is out of town.

Michelle went away, in part, because your inner girl was satisfied. Which may or may not help you when/if you decide to tell your wife.

[Alexia]

I just wanted to say, if you are ever 'caught' or if you ever decide to tell your wife, I hope it goes well.
That must be the hardest thing to do.
If it happens, I hope she proves to be as understanding as she sounds.
I'm not going to give you any advice regarding that, I don't know the first thing about relationships.

But if it is becoming difficult not to dress up, make sure you don't get caught.
Not because I think it is a shameful thing, I try not to think like that any more, but because I think that would be the worst way for her to find out.
You love her and the last thing you want to do is hurt her.

And talk to someone, here or with a professional who is sworn to secrecy, if you're having trouble with not being able to cross dress, if you're feeling anxious because of it.
Feeling anxious and upset is not good.

I fully intend to come clean to any person I start a serious relationship with, if that ever happens.
But intending to and actually doing so, may be two different things.
I hope I'll have the courage to address the issue if it comes up.

Let me just wish you good luck!

[Michelle Diane]

Thank you Alexa, that was nice of you.

One thing I have neglected to mention is that I wear makeup everyday. I know sounds strange doesn't it? For about 5 or 6 years now I've been battling adult acne and well not to put too finer point on it I looked like those mugshots of junkies you see with the acne all over their faces. It was killing my self esteem. One day I bought some pressed powder from the store and tried it on I was very pleased with how it hid the acne.

My wife says it's down to the male menopause and will go eventually. (I think I remember reading here another member had a similar problem???)

I graduated from powder to Maybelline Fit Me foundation and translucent powder to take the shine off and have been wearing it for years now. My wife has only ever said constructive things like I need to feather more around the neck area, or that shade is a tad too dark for your complexion...never to critisize or mock me.

For a test I bought an eyebrow pencil as I have ultra fine eyebrows and they dissapear under the foundation anyway. I began to pencil in my brows, keeping them neutral at first but now I've become bolder and have moved towards a more feminine arched brow. My wife must have noticed but hasn't said anything.

Sometimes if I feel bold I'll even sneak a stroke or two of mascara.