Feeling a bit sad... The feeling is gone.

[Estefania]

Hello everybody.

It is been a long time since my last visit to the fourm, and it is nice to see it is growing and has a large membership.

Part of my reasons to stay away was related to the fact that I was going through an extended period of non-cding. (Decided on my own, mostly for family reasons).

Well, after more than 2 years without CDing, I had finally the opportunity to have both the time and the right conditions to do it again. My family is away on a 1 month's vacation back in Mexico. (All my previous chances to CD had also been during their vacations abroad).

Well... there was one thing different this time around. Even though my wife is aware of my cding, she hates it. So, the previous times they had been away, I had used the approach of "I'll deal with the problems once she is back" and had CD without her knowledge, even though I was sure she suspected I would do it. Once she was back, she would certainly notice, and that would bring some problems to our relationship, but nothing too terrible. Well... This year, about 1 month before their departure, we got back to talk about CDing, in a surprisingly calmed and mature way. And maybe because of that, I promised her I wouldn't do it this time around.

As the time came closer, I started regreting my promise to her, and once I was back from Mexico, I sent her a letter asking her to please release me from my promise. If she hadn't, I wouldn't have done it, but I knew that if I didn't ask her, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

So, surprisingly enough... even though she was upset about it... she did release me from my promise, under some conditions, like not shaving my arms, don't allow anybody to know, etc.

Uff... this is getting to be a long post, but I'm not done yet, sorry!

Anyway... I got back to it. BUT... I have to say that the previous times I had got the chance to dress, I had already noticed how my drive to CD had been fadding away. And this time, after only maybe one week of having the chance to do it, I had to admit that the drive to CD is not there anymore. I still have 2 weeks to go, and I have already moved away all my femme stuff. I just don't feel like CDing anymore, for now.

I'm sad because of this. To make it clear, I'm not sad because I can't CD. I'm sad because I just don't want to, and it is a feeling of losing something that was very important to me in the past. If I don't "feel it", why bother doing it?

I think that it is a big deal related to my motivations to CD. I think that there are tons of different motivations to CD. But I know that for me, my cding was NOT about:

A) Sexuallity. Not since my teens.
B) Sensuallity. Yes, the clothes are nice, but I'm dare to say I'm more comfy in my briefs than in panties. *ha ha*
C) "Gender Expression". I have never felt like a woman
D) Comfort/Stress control.

So, these were not my motivations... Some of them were, instead...

1. Some degree of challenge... see if I was able to go out enfemme and do things, anything from flying enfemme to go shopping to taking the car for an oil change.

2. A sincere, yet unconventional tribute to women... I admire women, and being able to "transform" my look into the look of a woman was really rewarding.

3. A feeling of success being able to achieve a feminine image which could not only "pass" as a woman, but being accepted as one.

* bored yet? I'm almost done *

So, at the end... It is sad for me to find out that my cding is just not what it used to be. Doesn't bring me any satisfaction or even feels right anymore. I won't be purging... but I will have a rather large garage sale. *s*

I'm no fool. I know the feeling may come back later in my life. But maybe not. I don't know. All I know that my motivations to do it are gone, for now. I won't dissapear, I will still visit the chats and forums, but I will be one of those oddities in life... A non-cding CD. *lol*

If you got here reading my ramblings, thank you!

Love,
Gaby

[Merinda]

Hi Gaby ,

That was most interesting , I can well relate to" lack of interest " , if you read a Thread that I posted last night ( Hermione is my hero ) it refers to a 2 year break that I took and returned .
I had a few problems going on at the time and totally lost all interest in
CDing , the biggest thing I regret is throwing out my cloths.
I have also had days of opportunity wasted because I couldn't get in the mood, but I can find another hobby on these days.

Gaby ,
the best advice I can give you is pack your stuff away and have a holiday from CDing for a while , DO NOT THROW YOUR STUFF OUT !!! , as much as you think you have passed that time in your life of the need to CD , it will come back at some stage.

This year and last year have been full on for me , so I may ease off or have a break next year once my photosessions are finished to my satisfaction.
I can no longer say that I have finished because it comes back , maybe when I am too old looking to play the character I will consider quitting for good .

[Cindy Barnes]

Hi Gaby,

It's great to see your post here ,but sorry to hear of your "hibernation"?
I do understand tho as I am in a bit of a slump myself. It was just in May I had some quality girl time and went to see Stef and Cami. Im not sure when I may have another chance like that.

Thats a lot different than the 2 year hiatus you said you have taken , but I also have not had that "urge " to experss my Cindy side latley.
Im lucky that I can dress at home when I like ,if I pick my times right, but its a LOT of work trying to look nice just to tramp around the house

Maybe Im spoiled by all the fun times I have had out with friends, or maybe its that I have taken so many photos at home that Im getting bored with that part of it ? Heck I know I have taken over a dozen pics from home these last 2 years!

Hopefuly I will be in better spirits by September and make it to SCC as I had planned, and it would be great if you can make it it also! And no,,, my 2 closets of clothes are not going anywhere,(except for what may not fit anymore)

HUGS
Cindy

[Kersten Lee]

Gabi,
I will miss you and have missed your talks and advice. But heck,
since you are happy where you're at now, that's all that matters
isn't it? You can still visit I hope.

Best of Luck,
Take Care,
Kersten

[Virginia]

Hi Gaby,
Thanks for posting. I have heard of repressing or supressing, but to just lose the urge to crossdress. I have to study that. I hope it does not happen to me. This is a learning situation for me. I am aware as you are that its "once a CD'er, always a CD'er." It just does not ever go away. If I may ask, if you have any insight into this loss of the urge, please post it so others can understand. I feel there is nothing wrong with it and as Merinda said she "quit" for a while herself. My question is I guess, how do you know? What feelings do you actually have? Is it embarrassement? Outside pressure? If you can get a handle on it, please share with us.
Love,
Deborah

[Bernice]

Crossdressing is not an obligation to the group. We all usually cross-dress because of how we feel. If we don’t feel like cross-dressing - then we don't. I'm en-drab now. Not so much by conscious choice, but rather by not having thought about it one way or the other. I just was, and still am.

I have a friend – formerly of this forum, whom I believe has now stopped dressing entirely. It doesn’t affect our relationship. Why should it?

We can all remain your friends, regardless of how you are dressed. This club is not exclusive, and you have nothing to prove, least of all to any of us.

Regardless of your gender, you also have the right to change your mind whenever you see fit.

Perhaps someday you will. Until then, after then, if ever, the whole point is, how we dress shouldn’t ever be allowed to adversely affect who we are. Feel free to stick around and post.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Anita]

Hi Gaby-
That's an unusual situation you're in. We all go through cycles with this, but you sound like you really are leaving it for an indefinite period.

There's one thing I think nearly all of us get out of Cding, and that's more emotional range. We have a widrr variety of emotion available.

Notice that I don't have to debate about whether we become more like women, or are a type of woman, or any of that. I do think that of all the varieties of reasons we crossdress, the emotional benefits cut across more common ground than any other thing.

So what you're going through puzzles me for that reason. I KNOW the feeling of trying to dress when it just isn't working, and it's very real. Yet I'd have to think that you must have found some better way of expressing emotions in male life, or you wouldn't be so uninterested. That's the only way I can interpet this right off the top.

Reasons asid, I feel for you. Even if it is leading to better things, it's sad to feel no pull for something that's been a satisfying part of your life.
A

[Estefania]

Thank you all for your replies to my posting. No way I can answer to all, but I'll like to touch a few ideas...

Merinda, thank you for your advise. I really wasn't thinking about "purging" per se. As I mentioned, I'm going to be selling most of my stuff, maybe on ebay. Why? Because since I don't have a clue when/if I'll "need" it again, there is no real reason why I should keep perfectly good stuff in storage until it becomes totally out of fashion/style. When/if I find that "feeling" again, I will go shopping, of course! (And oh yes... your posting about Hermione and your feelings was cute and warm!)

Cindy, so, do I look like a bear to you? *lol* (Just wondering, because your usage of the word "hibernation". Oh, I can relate to what you said about maybe being spoiled. I know that has been my case too. After having had chances to CD for long periods of time, being able to do things "the right way", CDing "in a hurry" or just to stay home lost totally its appeal. Mmm... about the SCC... I don't think that will be doable, but well... time will tell, right?

Kersten, I'm glad that all and all you were able to see that deep inside I'm happy. Because I'm happy with my life. I have a wonderful wife and I adore my kids. My job is interesting and challenging, have few (but great) real life friends, etc. There was a time when CDing was taking a lot of my time and energy, but once I was finally able to understand that for me it wasn't something I needed to do, it was a lot easier to find a balance in my life. True, currently that balance will not include CDing, but since it has been a slow change, I don't really feel it will be affecting the balance in itself.

Deborah, ah, Deborah... You said "I am aware as you are that its "once a CD'er, always a CD'er." It just does not ever go away" ~ While I know/understand why you wrote those words, I have to tell you that it is not something I believe myself. True... once a CD, always a CD. Like once a soldier/teacher/alcoholic/fan of Elvis/jerk/genious/whatever, always a soldier/teacher/alcoholic/fan of Elvis/jerk/genious/whatever. However... the part about "it just does not ever go away... how can anybody know? Maybe it has been your experience, or to a point my experience... but can we tell for sure? The fact that most people we know seem to believe that, doesn't make it an absolute truth... ~ Now... how do I know about the lost of desire to CD? Well... difficult to explain, since it is a very personal experience. But lets see about words people uses to describe their cding experience, ok? "It feels great" - No, doesn't feel great anymore. ~ "What a thrill" - Nope, not thrilling anymore ~ "This is lots of fun" - you guessed it... not fun anymore. ~ "I feel so relaxed" - Nah... ~ "I feel like I am more myself" - Nope. I guess you get the idea... Now... Embarrassement? No way! Lucky me, even to the last day, I was able to look at the mirror and think that I was able to look good. Outside pressure? No, not that either. Specially since there hasn't been anybody around me in the last couple weeks. It is, again, a very personal choice.

Briefly, I am somebody who, after finding an inner peace understanding what may have been the origin of my first attraction to CDing, realized that even though when I was 3 or 4 years old and started, may have not been a real choice, now, as an adult, had seen my cding as a choice, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. So, my choice now is not to.

Bernice, thank you very much. While there is always support for those who want to learn more or do more about their CDing, I have always seen a total lack of support for those who may express their need or want to do less. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming anybody. But the fact that you understand that the same way we claim to our wives or families how CDing doesn't make us a different person, it is exactly the same to say that not CDing doesn't make us a different person. That's why I said I should still be around. Because I have lots of friends in the "community". I care for lots of people, and I'm blessed because others also care about me. Thank you!

Anita, I'm well aware of those cycles. I went through them many, many times. The usual euphoria, then guilt, then "liberation"/purge, and then anxiety. However... Thank God, it is been a while for me since I set myself free from the guilty feelings about my cding. And lots of years since my last purge, too. Right now the change comes when there is no feeling of euphoria or excitement about it anymore. That's the sad part. I don't know... maybe being able to release me from the negative feelings associated with the CDing took away many of the positive feelings too? I don't know.

And... yes, I have to tell you that I'm very lucky in another regard... Once I realized that CDing could be seen as a way to express some thing called "a feminine side", I realized that there is no need to wear a skirt to express all those human emotions that society calls "feminine". The biggest mistake many CD's fall for, is trying to separate their "masculine" side from their "feminine" side, when they should be really trying to INTEGRATE both sides into only one persona. A more balanced, and even happier individual. I won't claim that I'm in total balance in my life... but I'm trying to get there. And yes, you were able to understand the reason for my sadness... Did you ever collect any sort of things? Like, say, stamps from a certain country. Do you know how it feels when you finally get the very last stamp you had been looking all over? It should feel good... and at the same time... it is a big loss. No more chasing after the object of your affection.

Anyway... like I said, thank you all for your kind words. And believe me, I'm ok. It has been my choice, after all, and one that even though in the surface saddens me, I know deep inside it is the best for me right now. Will things change in the future... that's a definite maybe. And if they don't... hey, I may still be a CDing consultant, right?

Love,
Gaby

[Virginia]

Gaby, If you will allow me? Anita, said that you may have found a better way of expressing your emotions through your male life. Then you said (what Carl Jung - Anima Teory proports) that the intergration of the two personna is probably the ultimate goal/result for CD'ers. Narvana, if you will. I must be at or near that stage, as the dressing to me is secondary to integrating Deborah's personna into my everyday actions and reactions.
I still enjoy dressing and seeing Deborah, but I get more of a thrill seeing the positive reactions I get when she/me interacts with others and produce a positive reaction and I can say that I have made a positive difference in someone else' life if only briefly.
I say you can stay on as a "Consultant" and look forward to hearing from you. God Bless!!
Love ya,
Deborah

[Virginia]

Oh, almost forgot!
GREAT PiCTURE - GIRL!!!!!!!
Deborah

[Beauty]

Hi Gaby,

As I was reading this I was kind of like, "Please ... I hope she hasn't responded to everyone yet." Because I thought you may have just one post here and be gone.

I won't dance around with pretty words. I mean them in a pretty way though. (btw... I don't think anyone else gave pretty words, I've just been accused of that) Ok, here it is. I think, from what you've typed, you're still as transgendered as you were before you stopped dressing.

Crossdressing, in my opinion, is only one aspect of being transgendered. Which I think you are.

Also, you're right. You don't have to dress to be with us. I hope you can still come here and not dress.

I hope that you can explain some things to me, so I can have an understanding.

You said that you called your wife and asked to please remove the shackles of your promise to dress and she did with conditions. If you are a guitar player and you are told not to play, but then you ask for the right to play and you are told, ok you can play, but you can't tune it or you can't use the E string, or you can't use an amplifier, or you can't whatever that makes the experience complete for you. Can you really say that you tried it again and didn't like it? I think you see that I'm comparing it to when your wife said, "Ok, BUT!"

That's not the only thing though. Your wife isn't at fault here. She's a loving, caring person and a great friend and companion for you. Also a great mommy!

There's another thing. Let's say you do think, "Well that's all fine and good Beauty, but I use to love the guitar so much that even without those things above I would have still played years ago. I just don't feel the same now." I don't think it makes you any less of a guitar player because you didn't feel it. Sometimes it takes more than one session when you pick up your instrument again to feel it. Plus dressing or guitar playing is a creative form of expression. I don't know if you can truly feel it, especially if you are a wise person like you Gaby. Meaning, why would you have the desire to fall in love with something again that you know you're going to have to give up in a matter of hours (even if those ours span a week).

Another thing about dressing for me was, my wife went away for a month. I just KNEW I was going to be a dressing fool. LOL. 3 weeks into it I got the urge to dress more. I hadn't dressed fully in a long time so at the beginning, I was like, "Why in the hell am I doing this? Look at me? I don't feel like that person looks. This is so empty." After time though, it started feeling comfy again. By the time the week my wife was returning came I was like, "nooo!!" Only because I knew I'd have to go back to a life of seclusion. (This was before I was ready to accept that this was a part of me and I wanted to express it in our marriage, not just in my alone time)

Unfortunately I also know that nothing is ever absolute. So my theories or analogies may apply to me or some, but not everyone or you.

Here's another challenge/scenario.

You said you asked for permission to dress. Which means you still have the desire. It's not curiousity that had you make that request. It was a part of you that you're suppressing. I only say that because if you had zero, non, nada desire to express yourself by CD'ing that thought would have never ever entered your mind. Gaby is still there. (not another entity) I'm just using Gaby to say your femme side and desire to dress occasionally is still there.

What if you came home and your wife said, "Baby I know you've been not dressing because you know I don't want you to." and when you cut her off to say, "That's not true! I did it because I just don't feel the desire to anymore." and she said, "Let me finish. I want you to. I want you to because I've looked at the smile on Gaby's face and I see that look on your male face too, but I can see that you're not complete unless both phases co-exist. Please, for me. Express yourself."

My question is. Would you at least try it again for her? Since uno of the main reasons for you stopping was because your wife is not into it at all, would you do the opposite and allow her to open the doors for Gaby to enter her world (not your children's)?

Even if you said yes there's a problem because crossdressing is a thing we can all put to the side if we want. Most of us have proven this all of our lives. Shelving isn't impossible. Making ourselves believe it's something we do and we don't have to is also the norm. I forgot my point.. lol! Oh yeah, the problem is that when we start after a long stoppage we don't tend to feel it anymore. The beginning is like starting all over (including acceptance or self).

For the record, those who don't know, Gaby was a member of the CDDF years ago and helped me accept who I am with her beautiful posts that were thought provoking, deeply heartfelt, insightful, and even funny when she wanted to be. Her guidance with acceptance of herself helped me to accept who I am. So I respect her more than she'll ever know.

:: turns back to Gaby ::

So what do you say sister? What about visiting us more but maintaining your lifestyle as a transgendered person who just doesn't crossdress anymore? If it's something you resolved then you can help those who don't want to anymore either.

Love you Gaby!!! Thank you for coming back. I hope you can still post occasionally this site would surely benefit from your wisdom.

Beauty

p.s. Deborah's right. What a wonderful picture!!! It should be a sin to put a pretty smile like that away forever.

p.p.s. If you're anyone but Gaby and you read this whole thing... Well, I'm sorry about the headache.

[Estefania]

Dear Beauty,

Thank you so much for your reply. (And thank you and Deborah for the comments about my pic, too!)

Nah, I'm not gone, so I will be around to reply to anybody kind enough as to post anything in this thread.

Yikes... well, here I go, stirring the pot, again... I have to say one thing... I totally agree with what you said. I'm still as transgendered today as I was yesterday or the week before. However... The same today than yesterday than 1 year ago, or several... I don't identify myself as a TG. Believe me, not that I see any stigma or problem with people identifying themselves as TG's, not at all. But, I do believe that of an individual to be really considered a TG, they should have at least a small degree of GID, or whatever you want to call the fact that they perceive themselves to be at least partially bi-gendered. (That is, in this forum, see themselves as at least part time women).

This is a lenghtly subject to discuss... but for the sake of the reply, unless you really want to revisit it, lets not go there, ok?

Well, trying to explain what you inquired about... The conditions she asked me to comply with were not really extreme or anything. I wasn't planning to tell anybody about my cding, anyway! And, not shaving my arms wasn't a problem, either. (Bleached the arm hair, and maybe you can tell that it doesn't show a lot by looking at the pic)

So, it is not like she took anything away from my "performance". However, there may be some truth on the idea that my lack of drive to CD now may be an answer to her selfless act of agreeing to allow me to CD. Because love is indeed a two way street. With her tolerance, she brought the feeling in me about wanting to correspond in some way. And what better way than re-evaluating things and giving them again the corresponding priority to them?

Ah, I do agree with you. CDing is/was a creative form of expression. And lets see if you will agree with me on this non-totally related concept... there are writers who after several books may totally lose their muse, and not being able to write ever again. Same with musicians, and any other artists.

Back to your reply... Since you have been in the same boat about being home alone and such, you know that it does bring mixed emotions... yes, having the chance to CD is a strong emotion, but missing the ones you love is even stronger. However, knowing they will be back soon makes that feeling of loneliness bearable. So, it is not that... It is more about something I have felt in the past years... I have done most if not all I can do about CDing. Gone out everywhere I wanted. Done most everything I wanted. Certainly a lot more than I ever dared to dream about doing. So, what's next? It gets to be repetitive after some time. Repetitive as in boring, too.

Somehow, it is much like the concept of reaching a plateau. Or getting to the top of a mountain. The only way now is going down. I feel I have already peaked into my cding. I'm not going to get any prettier *laugh* or any younger. And the idea of looking like an old guy in a dress just doesn't appeal to me. At all. Hey, I'm not telling it is the same for anybody else. And there are folks who dress at 80 years old and still look lovely. But, I don't want that for me.

Mmmm... Yes, when I asked to "ok" my cding this time around, I certainly felt the desire to do it, of course. And in a part it was the desire to see if this time around things would be a bit more like the old times, in which my CDing brought lots of emotions and wonderful feelings to me. But, it just didn't work that way. Don't think that this is a new thing. It has been brewing for years now.

Yes, Gaby is here. And has always been, and will always be. I won't stop being who I am. But the greatest thing is that I can be who I am with or without the CDing.

What if... what if she was acceptant of it. Beauty dear... if that ever happens, I will let you all know. Could it change things for me? Yes, most likely. But I'll bet you (how much I left in my purse?) it will never happen.
So, forgive me, but can't even go there.

I see your point about how getting the 'taste' for it after a long stoppage may take some time. But really... If it is a taste which has to be adquired, maybe that is like forcing oneself to love eating brocolli? It shouldn't be an adquired thing.

Now... acceptance of oneself. That is such a really big and important concept! Do I love myself? Yeah, maybe more than I should! *s* Do I accept myself? Yes, I do! Took me long years to be able to accept how CDing was an important part of me. Took me a few extra years to figure out that it wasn't really and would never be the most important part of me. And finally, it has taken me some time too to realize that even though it will still be a part of me, it has changed into something a lot less important for me. Much more important is the fact that I am me, no matter what I wear.

Beauty, once again, thank you for your incredibly kind words! I don't deserve them... (But you can keep them coming why should I stop you? *ha ha*)

So, yes, I plan to stick around. Like I said, I may become again an oddity, a non-cding cd. I don't mind. People has thought I was crazy in the past, so, no changes there.

Love,
Gaby

P.S. ah, and the pic... I know I should remove it later, I had forgot it was somehow against the rules to post pics here... But for now, I hope they won't mind much... It is after all the most recent pic I got, a few days ago.

[Kathy]

Hi Gaby,

I'm pleased to make your aquaintance. I just had to let you know that I just love your attitude about this. Your responses to Beauty very much parallel my own thoughts and feelings.

While I do enjoy wearing the clothing, I've never really identified myself as actually being a woman, either in whole or in part. I just simply seem to identify more with them than with men. I mostly think of myself as a guy who enjoys feminine things or, perhaps I'm just that "dreaded" man in a dress.

I'm still working on the acceptance part. I never had the advantage of any kind of support group in the past. I feel like I made significant progress in that direction since finding this forum. Still, I have a way to go yet.

I will look forward to reading your future posts.

[Cindy Barnes]

Gaby,


Ok Im sorry,, "hibernation" was probably the wrong term,, but I think you know what I meant *S*

After reading the replies to your original post mine may look a bit shallow, but just to let you know, you were the second person I ever emailed some 2 years ago or more. Vickie Rene being the first, and I was happy that you took time to send a reply!

Hope you stay in touch with us all !!

Cindy

[JoAnn]

Cindy must be thinking about the hunting season coming up, I remember those pics of her and Suzie 4-wheelin off into the sunset!

Hi Gaby, LTNS good to hear from you again!

One thing you said hit home with me concerning incorporating both your feminine and masucline personalities together. I have been unable to merge the two, my wife notices it more than I was aware. She tells me JoAnn is so much different, I didn't really notice it until she said so....I was just being me I thought.

If you don't feel like cd'ing doesn't really change much, in my case I thought after telling my wife and having her support me the way she does, that my "urges" would go away, because I was pretty much free in my dressing. In my case that didn't happen...it actually was the opposite.

Well, i've been rambling on here....huggs to all

JoAnn