Why.

[Anne Bonny]

Why I am who I am? I only know that I discovered, recognized and became aware of this about myself at a young age, about 9 years old. Once I became aware there was no turning back and this only continued through every day of my life to this very day. It has taken years for understanding to come and for full acceptance of the fact that this is truly who I am on the inside. Once I came to realize this is who I am, an internal push back began to develop as well against those who insist and deny that we are who we are. They want to insist this is something that we do. Are they able to be someone completely different than who they are? Well there is no point in arguing with them. I have seen first hand how those who believe will deny hard scientific fact if it is counter to what they insist on believing...that is delusion. Throughout recorded history it has been demonstrated again and again that a person's physical sex is not associated with a person's sexual identity and/or who a person may be attracted to sexually. We have dug up the very rare physical presentation of ambiguous genitalia which leaves such persons struggling to figure out who they are. Why do people believe that a physical attribute and hormone production alone have anything at all to do with something that can only be found in a person's brain? Yes, physical attributes fit like a lock and key...Hormones affect how we look, how we function, how we feel, and our strength but still do not account for sexual preference or gender identity. These clearly are found in genetics, our brain structure, and influence our mental recognition of our own Identity. Some region or regions of our brain has or have a sensitivity that is heightened one way or the other which then influences who we identify as in terms of our gender and our sexual preference. It is more than a mental preference...we know internally where our gender is seated as well as where our sexual preference is and both bring a sense of pleasure as well as a sense of rest or peace...a sense that this is correct for us that this is our identity in such a way that it is not a choice for us...because if we try to be some other way there is a dissonance a disturbance a sense of uneasiness which continues until we relax into who we truly are inside. It is only when we internally accept and relax into who we truly are that we will find a true blissful sense of peace and ease ... an absence of stress. As we all know under the general adaptation to stress syndrome...continued unrelenting stress can bring physical symptoms and illness physical and mental. It is only when we are truly allowed and accepted to be who we are that we are able to find true peace and health mentally and physically. Some of us are men, and some of us are women and we just happen to have a sexual preference for one, for the other or for both. No one has the right to place us under severe duress because they fail to understand any of this. We simply are who we happen to be and everybody needs to get on with their lives and leave us alone. 

Why do I wear female clothing? Certainly it is because this is who I am internally, I have to fit in with those who are as I am inside and it just so happens that the vast majority of women are female. The clothing fits them like a glove of course while women who are as I am find we have some adjusting to do before we look as nice as they do. But it does not matter because everyone faces challenges when dressing to look their best. I suppose this is to most the strangest part of who we are and the most difficult for the rest of our society to understand. Of course willful denial will continue but I do believe if people are willing to learn and to accept the truth this too can come to be fully understood and accepted by most everyone.

Some of us struggle with a sense of being divided with part of who we are seemingly consistent with the majority of those who share our physical sex...and at the same time find part of who we are is consistent with those whose physical sex is opposite ours. It is unclear and confusing but seems our only choice is to live as if we are in a time share at times living one way, and at other times the other. It is unclear ultimately if one side is a delusion and if eventually once sorted out we would find ourselves living fully more one way or the other. All that I can say is after 61 years of struggle I have found a full acceptance and comfort with my feminine side so I do question the validity of my masculine side and wonder if that is well worn conditioning and habitual resignation after all these years. Who knows. We are forced from birth, based on what is between our legs, through strong psychological conditioning, reinforcement, and punishment to have to accept and live that stereotypical way and it matters not if all of this runs counter who who we are inside even if this happens to be psychologically damaging all that matters is that we are meeting the expectations placed on us based on our physical sex alone. It is a barbaric practice that is beyond outrage! like bindings placed on heads and or feet to force a certain bone structure as in south american or oriental cultures...

This solves nothing. I can hear it now..."I'M NOT DELUSIONAL! YOU ARE!"

In the open point and counterpoint of honest thought...I must be open to the possibility that I am delusional. It is also possible that since the age of 9 I have succeeded in countering my masculine conditioning with feminine conditioning. That is a possibility. Our brain is plastic, that is pathways can change. If that is true it would probably take me until beyond I am dead now to un-condition any feminine conditioning if that is true.... Maybe we ...well it is said that we are all a little crazy in one way or the other. In the end what does it matter Feminine...Masculine, ying and yang both are of equal value and we have made ourselves well balanced so that we understand both sides more or less.