A question of ethics

[CJ]

Oh, the irony of it all! Earlier this week, one of my clients admitted that she moves within "T" circles. Many of her friends are transgendered. Apparently, she has a certain fondness for these special men; she finds them less threatening. All of a sudden, I became very conscious of my barely-there beard (she's used to seeing me with more facial hair), lighter eyebrows, and shaven arms. Did she know? or suspect? Why does she mention this now?

The irony is this: I've long kept my radar active, hoping to find this kind of person and, now that I have, it turns out she's in forbidden territory. Indeed, ethical considerations (and simple common sense, really) forbid us from mixing our personal lives with those of our clients. It would be disruptive of their lives and potentially damaging to their mental health--very counter-therapeutic. I most certainly understand and agree with this basic rule. But now I find myself doubting my capacity to remain objective with her in light of this revelation. And it's a double irony too, in that I may be forced to more fully come out to my own colleagues in order to explain an eventual decision on my part to refrain from any further contact with this woman.

I know I can remain fairly detached and relatively objective (or I think I can, at any rate); on the other hand, the question is, can she? Oh, but this is a bad situation. Double damn! I'll have to see how the next few encounters go, and just take it from there, I guess.

Oh, the irony of it all.

Love,
CJ

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear CJ,

I have worked in jobs where social contact with clients was discouraged. OK, dating can be forbidden. And I would agree that dating would be definitely wrong, both from the standpoint of your employer's rules, and also from the standpoint that you could unfairly influence her. And the backlash if you had a rough breakup could be devastating to her and really cause problems for your employer.

But, social contact--outside of dating--is inevitable. You go to the supermarket, the cafe, the movies--so do clients. You are going to bump into them. It's unavoidable.

Your employer should be able to give you guidelines to handle those situations. For example, when I was a professional counselor, one of the rules we had was that in any situation outside of work, if there is to be any social interaction, it would only be if initiated by the client. In other words, if you run into them at the market, let them speak first, if they want to, or keep quiet about knowing you if they prefer. That was because there might be some stigma attached to seeing a counselor.

How much you disclose to clients is another question. Generally I found ways to disclose things about myself only in the most general terms. Your client will, from the way you describe her, be curious if you're part of the T* community. It might be appropriate, if she asks, to admit some familiarity with the community. On the other hand, its also fairly easy, by your behavior, to show that familiarity without getting specific about what you do or where you go. For example if she says she enjoys drag shows, you can smile and say "yeah, those are a lot of fun!"

If she starts to hint at romantic attraction, remember your training about transference. (For anyone who doesn't know, transference is when a client begins to have feelings, not necessarily romantic, toward the counselor.) To some extent, transference is a necessary part of counseling. The client, after all, needs to trust their counselor, their dentist, even the guy who does their oil change. Your employer can give you some helpful guidelines about how much transference is permitted/encouraged in your situation. I have had to go as far as to point out to a client that I wasn't romantically interested in her, but I made sure to do it in a tactful way.

If you're starting to have inappropriate feelings about her, I suggest you give yourself a good talking to. It is quite natural to be surrounded by attractive, desirable people who are off-limits. (Just ask any married person! We're married, not blind!)

Your reawakening to the possibility of a sexual relationship, and your discovery that there are those people out there who specifically find someone like you attractive, is actually a most healthy thing! And it suggests that the time is drawing near when an appropriate relationship is going to come into your life! Look forward to it!

[CJ]

Hi Rikki,

What a thoughtful reply. Thanks, girl!

I'm more than aware of the issues of transference and counter-transference. And my employer does furnish guidelines governing interaction with clients; however, these are unwritten and more commonsense rules than anything else. I should point out that I'm not a professional counsellor--I work for a community mental health organization. Our approach is much more flexible and client-centered. There's a high degree of informality in our relationship with our clients, which increases the risk of boundaries becoming fudged. We're all very aware of that and take that into consideration when explaining to our clients the nature of our relationship. We usually tell them that, although there are many friendship-like elements in our exchanges and in the way we give them support, we are nevertheless not their friends. It can be arduous and painstaking sometimes to negotiate these limits. But we do it as a matter of course.

And, no, I don't think attraction is an issue at the moment. The issue, rather, is self-disclosure. We're not very old-school in our "gang." We don't put much stock in the effectiveness of the "invisible" therapist hovering in the background somewhere; on the contrary, we often find that volunteering information about our own life's journey is the surest way to get someone to open up a little and come to trust us. It's a fine line to walk, though--one that requires both compassion and firmness, always with the best interests of the clients before us.

I often encounter my clients downtown. It's never a problem. The one time I don't mind when they call me their friend is when they're introducing me to one of their own friends. I am sensitive about the need to protect their privacy, as much as I am about protecting my own. And there's the rub. Being a transgendered person myself, I have a huge storehouse of lived experience I could draw upon in order to help this woman explore her own issues (in which I suspect a certain degree of gender identity dysphoria may play a part). But can I do that, though, without revealing myself in my "full glory," so to speak? When she brought up this fact about herself, our discussion necessarily turned to matters of gender and transgenderism. Although I remained, as you suggested, Rikki, general in my probing and in my way of sharing my own experience, there was so much more I could've said to help her deal with some of these issues. But I refrained from doing so. I think that now throws my aptitude to counsel her wisely into doubt. Aaaarrgh! This is so frustrating!

Anyway, dear Rikki, thanks for your input; it's very appreciated. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how our next meetings go.

Love,
CJ

[Cyndee]

CJ and Rikki

You both have posted some interesting aspects of interactions between people in counseling and for CJ the awkward position she now finds herself.

I have no good ideas on this one but will wait to hear of what develops.

Handle it well as I think you will CJ and through it you wil likely learn even more of what you may desire in a future relationship.


Cyndee

[SharonRose]

CJ,

The solution is obvious. Introduce her to one of US, and we will introduced our T-friendly clients to you

I don't mean to make light of your situation. You can always just be friends until you no longer have the business relationship.

Sharon Rose

[Carolynn]

Dear CJ,

Thinking back over your posts about years past, you have dealt with problems and questions more difficult than this and at least as confusing.
You are a thoughtful, caring, intelligent person, and you likely already know the solution to this one. You have only to accept it and act on it. You know we are here if you need to talk it out.

Love

[Charlene]

What aboput the old addage, All's fair in love and war?

[CJ]

Wow, thanks for all the support, gals! You're all wonderful.

Again, in this particular case, it's so much a question of romantic attraction as it is one of simply having the opportunity to reveal more fully who I am to another person, one that's "into" this kind of thing. Yes, I'll admit to the fact that her being a woman makes a difference to me. It probably shouldn't, but there it is. And, no, I would never, ever think of getting romantically involved with a client; it's a major no-no and inevitably leads to trouble for all involved (I even have a huge reticence to get involved with colleagues, for pretty much the same reasons--Christmas parties notwithstanding ). So, it's more a matter of setting personal disclosure limits; in the end, it's no big deal, I think. I don't want to sound as though I'm making mountains out of molehills. But it troubles me nonetheless, given the fact that her disclosing this about herself to me was akin to having a sledgehammer slam into my objectivity. Anyway, as I've said, I'll keep you posted on further developments.

Carolynn, thanks for the compliments. You're such a sweetie. I know that I'll likely quickly figure out a resolution of this matter. However, there's a border skirmish going on within me now that opposes my regard for my client's best interests with my own need to be more truthful, more real, more fully in the world. In the end, I understand that she's not my therapist and, that being the case, my own needs should take a back seat. That understanding still doesn't make the situation any easier for me, though. Well, we'll see.

Again, thanks to all you warm, caring people for your heartfelt input. I appreciate it.

Love,
CJ