Hi, everyone.
I never realized how important dressing was to me until now, when I have no chance to (being deployed and such...). I've been on the brink of a breakdown for about the past week because of the fact that... I can't express myself. This goes beyond just crossdressing, though... even though it is a large part of it. Its the fact that I have to wear this... mask that doesn't fit my face at all, and it is very real and alive and is twisting and distorting me in all of the ways that I never wanted it to. The mask is my male half.
I've come to the point where I feel like my femme and my male are to seperate entities that are currently in this gladiatorial battle that there seems to be no end to. I don't know what to do with all of this. I want to talk to someone, but all that army people will do is fix me "according to the needs of the army."
Last night I was flipping through my sketch book and found a picture that I had been working on of a finger puppet of a soldier on the middle finger of a hand "flipping the bird." The soldier had a bayonet in his hand and was also flipping the bird. I drew it as a derogetory statement to being in the army and fighting this stupid war in Iraq. Anywho, I looked at it with a whole new meaning last night, and... as weird as it sounds... I saw me. I was the finger puppet... and that is exactly how I feel right now, like the government's little prank monkey. There is quite a bit that I would give to change that, but I can't. I started writing all over the picture, just whatever phrase or word came to mind at what ever place my pencil fell. I don't know what came over me. I was angry, confused, and in tears screaming on the inside.
One phrase that stuck out in my my is "He has trapped me inside." The phrases on the page were written from my femme aspect on life, where most of my head is right now, and body is far from. I feel so desperate just to get out en femme that it is on my mind quite a large portion of the time.
Someone just today ask me what was wrong, and specifically mentioned "women problems." He tried to give me advice, but I blew him off, telling him that he did not understand the situation, and that I was not willing to discuss it... but maybe I should... I'd probably turn a few heads.
Just like I told Julie in another post, take none of your time for granted, as you don't know how long it will last.
With Love,
Celes
He has trapped me inside
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Nick
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Celes wrote:
First, a breakthrough came when I started to apply basic principles of "negotiation." So I began by letting my male self be more accepting of my female self. When that happened, my female self was less antagonistic towards my male self. There are times when one part genuinely respects and the other part.
A concrete example of this is when my male self gives explicit permission to my female self to do something 'she' wants--whether that is dressing, or shopping, or buying a dress. Even if your circumstances prevent that, you can still 'give yourself permission' to spend 30 min. or an hour just feeling and thinking like your female part, without any kind of self-criticism or guilt.
Another example: you said your female side thinks "he has me trapped inside." You can fix that by letting your male side relax his attitude. Let him think, "Okay, I don't really understand this female part, but she IS part of me, and I kind of like her. And maybe we can work out a deal here where we can both express ourself." At that point the female can no longer say she is trapped. Rather, she can say, "well, I would prefer to run the show, but at least I'm getting a little respect!"
Second, sometimes I wonder if both the sense of 'maleness' and 'femaleness' are merely alternative fictions or illusions. This is where spirituality, and, in particular, meditation can possibly help. With meditation one can potentially discuver that the real Self is neither male nor female, but something more fundamental.
So, while this sense of being divided, or of feeling like your female side is the real you, is perplexing and frustrating, I can say from personal experience that it is not overwhelming. Rather, I tend to see this in my life as an interesting mystery. I hope to solve it, but in any case, I don't believe that my happiness necessarily depends on solving it.
Sometimes when we get upset there is a tendency to lump all the sources of our frustration together, and not be clear which is causing the immediate problem. In your case, it seems likely that your 'deployment' is, by far, the real and immediate issue, and that this is exacerbating your 'gender conflict.' Yes, of course you're a puppet. But we've all been through this kind of thing one way or another. On the plus side, within a year or less you'll be home and looking back on all this. You're young and your whole future, with limiless possibilities awaits.
Feel free to email me any time.
Cathy
I think it is common to feel like the "male" and "female" are battling. After experiencing this on-and-off for years, I think I've made some progress handling it, which I'd like to share.I've come to the point where I feel like my femme and my male are to seperate entities that are currently in this gladiatorial battle that there seems to be no end to. I don't know what to do with all of this.
First, a breakthrough came when I started to apply basic principles of "negotiation." So I began by letting my male self be more accepting of my female self. When that happened, my female self was less antagonistic towards my male self. There are times when one part genuinely respects and the other part.
A concrete example of this is when my male self gives explicit permission to my female self to do something 'she' wants--whether that is dressing, or shopping, or buying a dress. Even if your circumstances prevent that, you can still 'give yourself permission' to spend 30 min. or an hour just feeling and thinking like your female part, without any kind of self-criticism or guilt.
Another example: you said your female side thinks "he has me trapped inside." You can fix that by letting your male side relax his attitude. Let him think, "Okay, I don't really understand this female part, but she IS part of me, and I kind of like her. And maybe we can work out a deal here where we can both express ourself." At that point the female can no longer say she is trapped. Rather, she can say, "well, I would prefer to run the show, but at least I'm getting a little respect!"
Second, sometimes I wonder if both the sense of 'maleness' and 'femaleness' are merely alternative fictions or illusions. This is where spirituality, and, in particular, meditation can possibly help. With meditation one can potentially discuver that the real Self is neither male nor female, but something more fundamental.
So, while this sense of being divided, or of feeling like your female side is the real you, is perplexing and frustrating, I can say from personal experience that it is not overwhelming. Rather, I tend to see this in my life as an interesting mystery. I hope to solve it, but in any case, I don't believe that my happiness necessarily depends on solving it.
Sometimes when we get upset there is a tendency to lump all the sources of our frustration together, and not be clear which is causing the immediate problem. In your case, it seems likely that your 'deployment' is, by far, the real and immediate issue, and that this is exacerbating your 'gender conflict.' Yes, of course you're a puppet. But we've all been through this kind of thing one way or another. On the plus side, within a year or less you'll be home and looking back on all this. You're young and your whole future, with limiless possibilities awaits.
Feel free to email me any time.
Cathy