I don't know what to say, so nervously I will ramble. I am quite aware of the "broad shoulders" that my sisters here have, they have supported me and our other sisters who have stumbled along the path. We have picked some of us up and shaken them to say "get your act together - you are woman let them hear you roar!" others require a much more gentle approach and in virtually every case "we" have hopefully found the best way to support each other! Those on the perifery of this forum and /or lifestyle have no idea of the love, support and empathy that is found here and even for those who "partake" of the wonders that are found here I think sometimes miss the positive results that we are able to place on each other!
What I am getting to is simply that I must join the few, the proud, the struggling girls again- I will not burden you with all the gory details and I know the support that I would receive would simply send me into a reign of tears that could last for days - I know first hand the love that you all have for eachother and as such I feel that there are others who are struggling more than Virginia. I guess what I am saying is that in difference to my Sister, Darlene, I think that perhaps we do own each other some explanation when we are struggling with our demons. However each to their own amount of sharing. I will briefly say that Virginia is not the problem and as has been stated it (CD) is part of us it ain't going away no matter what outside influences fall upon us. In my case as you know my wife brought up divorce before her illness, now she is home and she has broung it up again. My problem is determining why! Is it her mental condition as they did take a chunk of her brain out and the Dr's said that the swelling caused some damage that may or may not manifest it self in other ways. I am dealing with it as best I can in that I can not live under this constant "threat" of her mentioning divorce and then doing nothing about it like it is a game or something. Is she going to get an attorney and file or isn't she? Is it fair given my perception of her mental state to pursue it on my own? I just can not say "screw it get your butt outta here!" it does not seem fair to her, but if she takes the iniative then I can react, but there in lies the delima, what do I do in the interium? I am civil to her and virtually wait on her hand and foot, but I get no appreciation.
I guess in closing (and I apologize for rambling) a lot of you have said some very very kind things to me and I love you for it, but if I do not post or reply for a while, rest assured my heart is with you as well as my thoughts.
Love,
Virginia
Love you all!!
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Love you all!!
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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RikkiOfLA
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 298
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:39 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California, USA
Dear Virginia,
A couple of years ago, I took care of my mother who was dying of COPD. A lifetime of smoking had so damaged her lungs that when she breathed, insufficient oxygen entered her blood system. As a result, she was most of the time senile--forgetful, and of very poor judgment. It was very difficult; or perhaps I should say, she was very difficult.
In my love for her, I gave her too much credibility. She's always been an independent person and I figured that if I honored her independence it would give her a greater will to live. And I got no support whatsoever from professionals, who simply told me that she was remarkably in control of her faculties for a woman her age. She fooled them!
Only toward the end did I allow myself to learn what I should have known all along: when a seriously ill person (whose illness and its treatment affect the brain) makes a decision or expresses an opinion that confuses, hurts, or threatens us, we have to assume that it's the illness talking. It's no good telling yourself that your wife has felt this way for a long time. Of course she has, and she has had the illness for an even longer time. The illness that infected her brain infected the part they had to remove. So if the removal of that part of the brain causes her to threaten divorce, it seems logical that an infection there might have done the same thing. The infected part was removed to keep the infection from spreading, not to make her thinking any clearer.
While you're taking care of her, don't forget to take care of yourself. Being threatened with divorce in return for waiting on her needs doesn't seem fair, and its not. You might investigate moving her into a nursing home and discuss this possibility with her. It would give her more of the sense of "divorce" that she is apparently seeking. It would also give you a lot more time off. I know this may seem selfish, even evil, from the perspective of showing your love and hoping to win her love back. But apparently, her surgically-impaired brain isn't capable of expressing love, even gratitude. But patient comfort isn't measured in terms of gratitude; it's measured in terms of what the patient needs and wants. My mom set her thermostat in the 90s and felt just fine. We learned to dress light when we went to see her. By the way, she was in a nursing home by her own choice too. (We had earlier tried to interest her in joining us and buying a place big enough for all of us, but she wasn't interested.)
Meanwhile, my heart goes out to you. Long term illness is never fair; it's hard on the patient; it's hard on the family. And taking care of someone is, far too often, a thankless job. I know; I've been there.
A couple of years ago, I took care of my mother who was dying of COPD. A lifetime of smoking had so damaged her lungs that when she breathed, insufficient oxygen entered her blood system. As a result, she was most of the time senile--forgetful, and of very poor judgment. It was very difficult; or perhaps I should say, she was very difficult.
In my love for her, I gave her too much credibility. She's always been an independent person and I figured that if I honored her independence it would give her a greater will to live. And I got no support whatsoever from professionals, who simply told me that she was remarkably in control of her faculties for a woman her age. She fooled them!
Only toward the end did I allow myself to learn what I should have known all along: when a seriously ill person (whose illness and its treatment affect the brain) makes a decision or expresses an opinion that confuses, hurts, or threatens us, we have to assume that it's the illness talking. It's no good telling yourself that your wife has felt this way for a long time. Of course she has, and she has had the illness for an even longer time. The illness that infected her brain infected the part they had to remove. So if the removal of that part of the brain causes her to threaten divorce, it seems logical that an infection there might have done the same thing. The infected part was removed to keep the infection from spreading, not to make her thinking any clearer.
While you're taking care of her, don't forget to take care of yourself. Being threatened with divorce in return for waiting on her needs doesn't seem fair, and its not. You might investigate moving her into a nursing home and discuss this possibility with her. It would give her more of the sense of "divorce" that she is apparently seeking. It would also give you a lot more time off. I know this may seem selfish, even evil, from the perspective of showing your love and hoping to win her love back. But apparently, her surgically-impaired brain isn't capable of expressing love, even gratitude. But patient comfort isn't measured in terms of gratitude; it's measured in terms of what the patient needs and wants. My mom set her thermostat in the 90s and felt just fine. We learned to dress light when we went to see her. By the way, she was in a nursing home by her own choice too. (We had earlier tried to interest her in joining us and buying a place big enough for all of us, but she wasn't interested.)
Meanwhile, my heart goes out to you. Long term illness is never fair; it's hard on the patient; it's hard on the family. And taking care of someone is, far too often, a thankless job. I know; I've been there.
Love and respect,
Rikki
Rikki
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Hey Sis,
I am sorry to hear of your pain and sorrow over this issue. I do not have any great words of wisdom for you. For the most part, it is a path one travels by themselves. Life is indeed unfair, but knowing you, you will find your way through this, I understand your need to take some kind of a break, and am looking forward to your return when you are ready.
Love Darlene.
I am sorry to hear of your pain and sorrow over this issue. I do not have any great words of wisdom for you. For the most part, it is a path one travels by themselves. Life is indeed unfair, but knowing you, you will find your way through this, I understand your need to take some kind of a break, and am looking forward to your return when you are ready.
Love Darlene.
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Virginia,
I have over the past several months watched you endure incredible hardship and emotional pain. I have also watched you cope with your life circumstance using your incredible inner personal strength. Like my sister Darlene, I have no great words of wisdom for you. I know the road you travel, yet we do all travel it alone. But on your journey, think of us as road signs. We can't tell you where you are going, but we can help you find it once you know.
I love you sis, good luck. And Virginia? Don't forget there are Rest Areas along the way.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I have over the past several months watched you endure incredible hardship and emotional pain. I have also watched you cope with your life circumstance using your incredible inner personal strength. Like my sister Darlene, I have no great words of wisdom for you. I know the road you travel, yet we do all travel it alone. But on your journey, think of us as road signs. We can't tell you where you are going, but we can help you find it once you know.
I love you sis, good luck. And Virginia? Don't forget there are Rest Areas along the way.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi there,
I appreciate you taking the time out to go, "I may be taking a bit of a break, but this is not about me not accepting my CD'ing" I thought that was total class.
I respect what you'll need to go through now and we'll be here for you when you get back. You're right to do things the way you want to.
We love you SOOO MUCH!!! You're going to do great and we'll be here if you need ANYTHING!!!
Beauty
I appreciate you taking the time out to go, "I may be taking a bit of a break, but this is not about me not accepting my CD'ing" I thought that was total class.
I respect what you'll need to go through now and we'll be here for you when you get back. You're right to do things the way you want to.
We love you SOOO MUCH!!!
You're going to do great and we'll be here if you need ANYTHING!!! Beauty
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Hi Virginia--
It is a tough road you have right now. I had a severely alcoholic and disabled friend who lived with me for a year and a half. I have another friend who lives independently, but whose medications do not work perfectly. She's a brilliant person, and it is hard to know where the line is between normal behavior and crazy or even dangerous behavior. I know it has to be even harder with your wife, because that is intimate and every day. But I wanted to let you know that to some degree I've been where you are.
Rikki's advice rings true for me. The behavior that upsets you and angers you is often the illness talking. I had to go to Al-anon to find support for dealing with my alcoholic friend. There must be support groups for dealing with being a caretaker, too, and it's valuable to be there. They helped me get through terrible times. You need to know you're not alone, and your friends can only understand this to a degree. You have to live it to understand it.
Like Alexandra said, get neutral third parties in, too. I had to do that, with both of these friends. I needed professional advice, and it was also support. None of us can know all the angles of something like this, and you can't be expected to have a totally unfamiliar situation under control.
So my heart goes out to you, Virginia. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
It is a tough road you have right now. I had a severely alcoholic and disabled friend who lived with me for a year and a half. I have another friend who lives independently, but whose medications do not work perfectly. She's a brilliant person, and it is hard to know where the line is between normal behavior and crazy or even dangerous behavior. I know it has to be even harder with your wife, because that is intimate and every day. But I wanted to let you know that to some degree I've been where you are.
Rikki's advice rings true for me. The behavior that upsets you and angers you is often the illness talking. I had to go to Al-anon to find support for dealing with my alcoholic friend. There must be support groups for dealing with being a caretaker, too, and it's valuable to be there. They helped me get through terrible times. You need to know you're not alone, and your friends can only understand this to a degree. You have to live it to understand it.
Like Alexandra said, get neutral third parties in, too. I had to do that, with both of these friends. I needed professional advice, and it was also support. None of us can know all the angles of something like this, and you can't be expected to have a totally unfamiliar situation under control.
So my heart goes out to you, Virginia. My thoughts and prayers are with you.