Out or not

[Genifer Teal]

My subject is to suggest that it is possible to be out yet not really be out. Several experinces this past weekend have taught me that while I go out to many places, I am still not out there as much as I could be. The good news is I am improving. Now let me explain.

I go into New York City at least once a week via the train. It is a half hour ride. While I might look good, I wouldn't say I pass. I've noticed a few second glances in my direction, but no one has said anything inappropriate that I could hear. What I have come to discover is that while I am out, I do not interact much with the general public. You could say it's like I am traveling in a cocoon.

I never thought much about this before until now. I have always felt comfortable traveling the train, but I realize now I was avoiding all unnecessary contact with others. There was a limit to my level of comfort. This past weekend I had several interactions on the train. They were all good, and helped increase my confidence. Here is what happened.

The first trip in was earlier than usual and on a week nite. A group of Spanish women were on their way home from work. They were chatting in Spanish, and giggling the whole ride in. Unbeknownst to me, I was who they were laughing about. When we got to the last stop a man stading near me, who apparently spoke Spanish too, says out loud to me and everyone, "You are one of God's children too, and he loves every one of us!" I was surprised by the comment but thanked him. Then he made some nasty comment to the Spanish women that they should be more considerate of others, they never know who is listening. You had to be there to know how weird but really cool it felt.

On the next trip in, as we were waiting by the door to get out, some young kids were talking about me but I couldn't her them. This gay guy could, and he told them a thing or two. Wow, Two days in a row. I don't remember ordering any guardian angels. No complaints here.

That nite, on the trip home, I met this young boy, 25 yrs old, I'm 36. At first he complimented my coat. Then we started to chat. He told me I was beautiful. I knew I wasn't fooling him. He really liked me. Then he started telling me a little about himself, and how he had explored some femenine curiosities of his own. This was in no way sleazy. He was sincere and even blushing as he spoke about it. In the end, I gave him my email and he has sent me a brief hello to stay in touch.

This was a busy weekend. I still had one more trip. Waiting for the train, I had a slice of pizza. A group of gay boys were sitting at the next table. When they left, 2 boys walked back over to me and asked if I was in the city the last two nites. They had noticed me and said I was beautiful. I must really stand out. People do seem to remember me.

On the ride home, very early sunday morning, I must have spoke to everyone around me. First this gay boy accross from me said I was beautiful. Another youngster - early 20's. Then I spoke a bit with this strange but very nice guy in front of me. It turns out he knows someone I know. Steer clear of that connection. Then another guy takes the seat where the gay boy sat. He has a girly magazine in his hands. I noticed he was smiling at me. I ask if he is on his way home from work. No, he is going to work. He has some video to show me. Fortunately he took a while to remove it from his bag. Only one stop for me to get off. The video as it turns out is of She Males. Go figure. Get me out of here. That guy really liked me too. I didn't stick around to find out how much!

OK, I know I've beem rambling on. For someone who has traveled the train every weekend for 6-8 months and had no interactions, this is a big turnaround in one weekend. Maybe I have reached a greater level of comfort with all this. I didn't even know I needed improvement. All in all it was a great weekend. These little stories all added to the fun.

Hugs - Genifer

[Beauty]

Hi Genifer,

First let me say I agree with the people who said you are beautiful because you are.

I'm sorry that the people were talking about you, but like you said it was wonderful that God sent guardian angels for you both times. I have to agree that you it was odd that after so long of riding the same train/taking the same route, all of a sudden these things happen in rapid order. You handled yourself with class and I'm glad you posted how you handled it because it's a hopefully and example of how I'd hope I would behave. Well, the way I'd behave now because I just had a lesson on how to handle yourself in that kind of situation.

I also think you handled those who admired you and you were like, "Check please!" If you handle those situations wrong you could put yourself in a dangerous situation, but again you were quite the gal by handling yourself and treating them with respect, but removing yourself from a possible uncomfy situation.

I only have one question. It's about the person who knew a friend. Why did you say that wasn't a good thing? Do your friends not know about your TG'd side? You don't have to answer, but I was curious about that one.

Thank you for this thread it was great!

Beauty

[Absaroka]

That is a really interesting post. It is funny how sometimes things come in waves and I like trying to figure out what it means, although I think The Creator has quite a sesnse of humor in this area....

Thanks for telling us about this

Andrea

[Lorna]

Hey Gen!!!

That's wonderful! I wish I was there with you.

But I do have good news - I'm off Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - 3 day weekend coming up! I'll send you an e-mail.

[Genifer Teal]

Beauty,

Thanks for the compliments. The person who knew a friend, knew someone at work. That is one place I am not out. They may have suspicions, but I am not about to confirm them.

Genifer

[RikkiOfLA]

Hi Gen,

I can relate to your experiences. I ride the train a lot too. Always have. When I was a kid, I had it drilled into me not to talk to strangers on the train. That was a big deal to my mom.

Now, I'm starting to understand the really strange etiquette on public transit. It's okay to talk to people, but the usual dumb courtesies aren't necessary. "Hello, how are you? Fine, thanks." Those are BS anyway. Most people aren't "fine." They may be hung over, bored, broke, happy, etc. But not that vanilla "fine."

You're coming of age, so to speak, on the train. You're about 20 rides ahead of me, or something. I'll catch up, I think.

You ARE really pretty! Love your new avatar--you look real--honest, down to earth, not artificial.

The people on the train are also learning. They're learning that trannies are real--we ride public transit, we know people they might know, we have feelings too, etc. We're not just performance artists on Jerry Spriinger anymore. Good for you, for being a role model!

[Beauty]

Hi Genifer,

You're welcome and thanks for the explanation.

Beauty

[DonnaT]

My subject is to suggest that it is possible to be out yet not really be out.

That statement is pretty much the way I feel too.

There are some of us who are in public all the time, enfemme, yet they pass and aren't noticed, so are they really "out?" There are some that go out occasionally and don't pass, but they are only seen by strangers, so are they "out"?

I believe that being "out" has more to do with who knows you are a CD/TV/TS. In my opinion, if your extended family knows, and your friends know, then you are "out", regardless of whether or not you go out in public.

[Beauty]

Hi Donna,

I had to read that a three times, but after reading it I agree with you!

I think being out means being out to people you know like family, friends, and acquaintances.

Beauty

[Virginia]

I don't wish to detract from Genifers post, I am proud of her for exploring new avenues for her and she has been given some sage advise from us.
Congratulations, girl and read on!
As to "going out or being out" guess I have to think about it, is it just semantics?? Everyone in my immediate family knows I am a crossdresser, or at least that is what they have been told. Although none of them have ever seen Virginia and only my wife has seen my wardrobe and borrowed some of my make-up. I know I am a crossdresser, but what if I told them I am not, does that put me "back in the closet? What if on the week-ends I am a skydiver or race car driver?? They have never seen me do these things do they simply assume that I am telling the truth?? That being said I can only speak for myself, but I really don't care what they think. Another question, what if one of your immediate family who had never seen you dressed asked to see you dressed, how would you respond? Does appearing dressed for them mean your "out?"
Finally, if Genifer and Lorna get together in NYC - we will demand details and just remember "a friend will come and bail you out of jail - a true friend will be sitting in the cell with you saying -Damn, that was fun!!"
Have fun girls!
Virginia

[Violet]

Sometimes coincidence is the Way's way of adding harmony to your existence. It seems as if you have gained a degree of balance within yourself, Genifer. (Gained a level in the 'cross-dresser' class?) Yes, those kind of situations can be scary/embarassing, it's good to know you can handle them with aplomb.

[Genifer Teal]

Tha you all for your kind and supportive comments.

Hugs - Genifer