Partner Dilemna - Do Anything You Want When I'm Not At Home

[BillieMar]

Hi Forum Readers:

I'd like comments, support and ideas from forum readers about how I can better cope!

My girlfriend age 57 knows that I crossdress, in fact I wear women's panties, bra and panty hose every day. I'm not permitted to wear women's clothing or female looking flats or heels, makeup, nail polish or jewelry in her presence. My eyebrows are tweezed and shaped fem and my hair is almost to my shoulders having been permed in a body wave allowing me to look masculine or feminine.

I've been told I can wear only cklear nail polish on my acrylic nails in her presence but do whatever I want, and wear anything I want going anywhere I want during the day dressed however I want so long as it isn't when she's home. I'm therefore free to do whatever from 8:00AM to 4:00PM Mondays to Fridays. I spend this time doing errands, getting my hair done each week, my nails done each week and shopping errands i/e cloths, groceries, etc. My closet is filled 90% with women's shoes, boots, sandals, clothing items such as suites, dresses, slacks, coats and accessories. When I do wear men's clothing/shoes I wear with her ok women's underwear (panties, pantyhose and bra) even when it's after 4:00 PM, and all day Saturday and Sunday.

How do all you others deal with girlfriend and wife thta has acceptabnce and tolerance for certain female clothing items but no acceptance and zero tolerance for crossdressing in her presence? I'd truly enjoy sharing with others forum members experiences they share at home that effects their respective lifestyles. How do each of you deal with such similiar issues? I enjoy crossdressing almost like a hoby or sport yet don't want to become a transgendered person or deal with those kinds of issues.

Thank you

William (*Billy) Marino
Billiemar

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Billy,

I enjoy crossdressing almost like a hobby or sport yet don't want to become a trans gendered person or deal with those kinds of issues.

I fail to see a problem here, from one perspective, and that is there are many here who would be delighted to have the freedom you have to be able to dress all that you want during the hours that you are alone with her blessing,

The problem (if there is one) that I see is that it appears (that perhaps) you are unwilling to accept the reality that you are at least a mixed gendered person, and have no other choice about it. Which at some point you will likely need to deal with.

Love Darlene.

[Virginia]

I agree with my Sis (not so unusal - huh?! ) A lot of our sisters here would love to have a spouse that tolerated our crossdressing upto the the point of sitting limits. A lot of the girls here are still in the closet and live in fear of getting caught. To be out and to go out is quite an accomplishiment. You are very fortunate, so I would not rock the boat right now.
As for your accepting yourself, one test is to get dressed then just look into the mirror - I mean look in the mirror, not at the make-up or hair, but look and see who is looking back at you? Can be a rather enlighting experience.
Virginia

[BillieMar]

Hi Sisters:

Thank you both for your heartfelt postings.

Bottom line is that I pay plenty once a week to enjoy being pampered i/e the hair salon and/or the nail salon. I simnply would like to wear my nail polish 24/7 and not have to take it off within hours of having it painted on me. Moreover, knowing I'm a crossdresser why can't I lounge about our home dressed as I like.

Intentionally or not, Sandy's allowed me to excellerate my crossdressing obsession allowing me to roam about anywhere as I desire (just not when she's home, when we're in public together or near where she works).

Even though I don't comprehend where she's coming from, I'm delighted to report we've both agreed to be counseled by a therapist. Our appointment is this next Monday at 12:00 noon with Leah Hunt, the counselor. I also advised Sandy the other day I'd joined TOHR, a Human Rights organization that supports gays, lesbian, crossdresser, and transgendered persons.

Hoping you both stay in touch with me to allow our continued interaction.

Sincerely

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Billie,

Thanks for your reply, I think Virginia has indicated that she is taking a break from this forum, but don't let that stop you. I and others will likely be here to chat with you when you need to.

It is encouraging to hear that you both have agreed to counseling. I wish you luck with that, keep us posted dear.

Love Darlene.

[Absaroka]

It sounds like a reasonably good deal to me that you have with your girlfriend in that she is saying do what you want but not to do things that make her undcomfortable. Also sounds like seeing the counselor is a good idea.

To me what struck me is the used of expressions like "not permitted" Perhaps there is something going on with you about autonomy-who is it that gets to make the rules about this. Sounds like it is her. We all have some issues that we feel that we can not compromise on and it sounds like this is one for her. Perhaps if she led to understand that you will respect her wishes it will be less important for her to be in a position of having veto power. This by the way has come up here another time.

On the other hand I could be completlely off base- who knows

Please keep us informed

Andrea

[Danielle La Belle]

*Billy:

I am going to take a different position. Has dressing or the need to dress become so necessary in your life that you failed to see the flexibility in your lifestyle. It seems as if you are still on the outside of life with your girlfriend. Like so many of us, we cannot seem to get our loved ones past the concept of taboo behavior. That our social concepts, interpreted as "the moral code," blocks us from acceptance by the majority.

Your current opportunities seem endless and yet, I do not envy you. I think you would like to be accepted. To have someone else, participate in your "hobby." It can be rather lonely at times when the only person that accepts us directly is "the girl in the mirror."

To reflect further, I think this went unsaid as you demonstrated in your initial input, that this seems to be rather freeing and at the same time, something like a "bird in a gilded cage."

I wonder out loud just how free you think you are in this matter. Free to be "you" but not free enough to be included in social activities among your loved ones. We seem to give up a great deal to participate in this charade at times. Trying to "get over to the other side" without having real opportunities to do so on a social basis.

Our social clubs permit us the opportunity to socialize among "birds of a feather," but it seems that you are looking for acceptance from your girlfriend. A more complete kind of acceptance. We walk among others everyday and make casual glances at people to verify our participation in the human race. You seem as if you would like to be directly accepted by someone close to you. That everyday dressing can become a bore without other positive human acceptance and input.

You say that you are really not wanting to be transgendered, but, at the same time, want to enjoy the transition process as a hobby. I think that many do observe this type of entertainment, but, still, we wish to be accepted among our closest friends.

I came out to my family and some friends of long ago several years ago. I have posted my experience in this category under the thread, "Revelations" for your interest. I am 57 this year so we are no doubt in the same age bracket. Perhaps the information there might help answer your thoughts about integrating your behavior with your girlfriend.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Samantha Jane]

Hi billiemar,

Cding, a hobby/sport!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????

I'm sorry, but I think collecting coins for instance is a hobby and say, playing rugby is a sport.

Charlotte xx

[BillieMar]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm going to be reading alot tonight and tomorow respond favorably. Thank you all for your comments! It's difficult to make decisions, be assertive and to control sdituations now that I no longer care to wear the pants but only skirts and dresses.

Billiemar

[Elizabeth]

Hi Billymar.

I am a full time dresser, and recently divorced. My ex-SO never accepted my CDing, and it was an issue in the divorce, although, just one of many.

I compromised for years only wearing panties under my clothes, but in the end, I resented her for keeping me from living the way I wanted to, and she never appreciated that I gave up dressing for her. For her, just knowing I wanted to, was more than she could stand. She wanted a "manly man".

Because of this, I am a strong proponent of no bounderies. You only get to live once. Decide what makes you happy, and do it. No one can make you happy, and you will not make anyone happy by altering how you dress. But mostly, if you are unhappy hiding the person you are, this is unlikely to change unless you do something to change it.

I know this goes against the grain of what most crossdressers think and reccomend, but my fiance` totally accepts me and my life is much happier now. But it could only happen when I decided I would not try to please anyone any more.

Good luck to you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kay(SO)]

Billiemar and ladies,

From an SO's perspective, things look slightly different and I understand where the girlfriend is coming from.

I do agree with what Elizabeth wrote about "to thine own self be true." That however becomes an issue of whether or not you want remain in your relationship with this woman. If you are going to do whatever makes YOU happy then you either risk losing her or you should go ahead and end the relationship. If she's set limits it's because she knows what she's comfortable with and what she's not. If you cannot live with those limits then by all means release her and live your life the way you want to. From her perspective, she may be thinking that she's offering you acceptance, understanding and compassion and giving you all that she can. She may also be wondering why you want MORE or why what she's giving is not enough? It may not have occured to some of you that she may be doing the best she can in being supportive. If this isn't enough for you then again, by all means move on. Something to keep in mind however is that her limits may change over time and they may not. That may be it. Then again, I know my own feelings have changed and my husband gets to do way more than he did in the past. The difference here is that he was so grateful for any level of acceptance that he has allowed me to wear the pants until I felt comfortable to negotiate. He hasn't pushed me or asked for MORE. And he's happy with the way things are. So, each of you has to decide for yourself what you can live with and what you can't, as Elizabeth has. She's decided that she doens't want to be with someone who doesn't fully accept her and her way of life. I would say that you are pretty lucky to have found your girlfriend. She's a gem Elizabeth. Not every woman would be so accepting as you all well know. Anyhoo, just wanted to throw my hat into the ring and be naughty one more time and post in this section.
I can't help it you all come up with the most interesting topics!

Kay(SO)

[CJ]

Hi all,

Again, words of wisdom from an SO. That was a clear and concise point you made there, Kay. Hats off to you.

This is always the way it is, Billie. Your SO wants to be who she is and to live in the way she chooses to no less so than you do for yourself. One way out of this apparent impasse is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Talking things over is the best way of finding out whether or not any compromise is possible. As Kay hinted, if compromise isn't possible, both you and your girlfriend will, in the long run, be doing each other more harm than good by staying together. This is a variation on the old saying, "If you love someone, set him/her free." Of course, the difficulty is that this adage applies to ourselves (our selves) as well.

I wish you peace and happiness, Billie.

Love,
CJ

[DonnaT]

Well Billie, you have to know when and where to pick your battles, and decide that if you do do battle, will it be worth it.

For some, they find a much better life deciding that they will do what they want.

For others, like myself, it has been a long "struggle". My wife set limits which I abided to, but I slowly overcame many of them. How? By talking, finding out what she didn't like and why, getting the ok to go further and see if she could be comfortable with the next level.

Take your time. Small steps.

You didn't post why your GF has set the limits such that you can do what ever, unless you're in her presence. My questions to you are, why does she have these limits? What makes her uncomfortable? Have you talked about this, or just accepted the limits as is?

My wife, and probably a good number of SOs will have that one not so little question in them, and that is "What's Next?"

I told my wife, that I want to eventually be able to occasionally go out, with her, dressed, such as shopping, movies, dinner. And that I have no desire what so ever to live my life as a woman 24/7 or to transition.

So, she knows "what's next" but still raises the question and I will happily reassure her that my goals have not changed.

I can now dress in front of my wife with no problems, so it seems, but I know this isn't an entirely accurate statement. So I don't wear dresses and makeup and wig, hardly at all. I will if the urge gets too great. But if I did it all the time I'm sure it would overwhelm her.

So, if you can get her to move those boundries a little, don't overwhelm her. For example, if you get to wear polish, go for a light pink at first. If you go darker, do it for a couple of days only. Skirts, maybe one or twice a month, not everyday. Let her get used to seeing these changes and get comfortable with them.

[BillieMar]

Hello forum and all readers:

I disconnected myself from this forum to better devote all my thoughts, efforts and will power toward trying to live a lifestyle that Sandy could accept and I could enjoy, be happy with, and accept totally.

Sandy moved out! We've been separated for three, going on our four month the 14th of August. I reconnected with this forum today because I met Sandy for lunch today, she had to sign the title of our car over to me. After we finished our DMV business, we talked for quite awhile and just as she finishged her last words I kissed her. Unquestionably she was surprised saying "That's been along time coming". We chatted a minute or two more and then as she was getting into her car asked me to call her saying "Let's go out to a movie together".

Now here I am dressed almost totally fem today. Although I have on no makeup, nor am I wearing any jewelry, rings or necklaces, my long white hair is blown dry and styled very much like a women's flip hair du. I'm wearing a blue women's blouse shirt, women's western jeans, breast forms, veronica and flip flop sandals with my toe nails and finger nails both polished silver. I guess I look more like one of those women that wears women's cloths which resembles men's cloths?

Since Sandy and I have split, like clockwork I have my nails and hair done every week. I continue to keep my body smooth and wear women's clothing. Although it takes me 1-1/2 hour a day to primp, I usually wear makeup, jewelry and something nice everyday. I no longer have limits and enjoy like totally but miss Sandy.

SOOOOO - I'm going to call her this weekend a take her outr tyo a movie and go slowly...perhaps little bits are best...or perhaps she misses me as much as I miss her! Unquestionably, we broke up because of how I dress and where I'm going with this crossdressing thing. I accept that I'm a transvestite, I've also accepted the psychotherapists disgnosis that I have a disfobia, I like to make myself look like, speak like, act like and image myself like a women. Am I transgendered, not yet! However, as the doctor warns me - Anyman that lives a women's lifestyle for an extended period of time (several years), could easily transform liking his new gender perferring same although not desiring to have SRS or and augmentation.

I'll come back on line soon to let ya all know how I'm doing with Sandy!

Luv & Hugs
Billiemar

[DonnaT]

I hope you can work things out Billie, to both of your satisfaction.

You might try a light pink polish when you meet, see if she notices, show her no on else does (hopefully).