another bout of explaining

[Conie Sue]

hi all, I just had another round of brow beating from my wife on my crossdressing, i'm at a loss for words when she asks me why i must continue to dress, a little back ground we have been married for coming on 20yrs now , and she is well aware of my dressing and knows i have a closet and half my dresser full of my undies and hosery and under our queen size bed are at least 12 pair of shoes i can't resist a new pair of shoes, anyway she has at least twice that and wants for nothing as i see to her needs first and foremost, but it seems like every time i'm gaining a little ground in her finially being able to accept that who i am and always have been, she goes looking threw everything i have and just starts to cry and say why can't you be normal like you were, then after a day of not speaking shes back to her old self and happy as can be knowing nothing has changd in me , she also knows i have'nt worn mens briefes in years now, we both wear the same kind vanity fair and when there having a sale she says to get us some. she even buys me lacey bikinis, i just can't figure it out, i guess i'm not suppose to, any words of wisdom would sure be helpful, thanks for listening connie

[Virginia]

Conie Sue,
Honey, I will be brief, Go to the "Coping for CD's " section, click on the "Self-esteem, Bounderies.....: thread. Read it! learn it, study it! I think it will give you a lot of insight, understanding and direction. I personnally think that it is the absolute best thread we have ever "produced." If it does not answer all your questions, come back and I am sure your sisters will more than happy to share their feelings with you.
Love,
Virginia

[Terri(SO)]

Well, how about three little letters? (pms) I know that this is often used as an excuse or blamed for a woman's unpleasant disposition but still...
Women do, in fact, experience hormone induced ups and down of emotions; days when what usually is simply part of life seems just too much to handle anymore. I know I have days when parts of my life overwhelm me and I have to take a breath and be sure of what is happening. The crossdressing may be what affects her that way. Maybe its not fair to you but it could just as easily be something else that sets her off on an emotional spiral.
If what she's feeling is what I'm suggesting, and she's anything like me, I can assure you (I'm sure most men won't believe me, tho) its no fun for her either. It really doesn't feel good from either perspective.
Seems like since the emotional pendulum swings the other way too, she isn't actually opposed to the dressing totally.

[Honey(SO)]

I do agree with Terri, that this can be a problem some of the time. I also think that having a CD spouse has it's up's and down's. Sometimes it only takes seeing something on TV or reading an article that makes me worry how far my husband will take this, even though he tells me and his actions do show me he is not interested in anything beyound simple CDing.
It's in our nature to worry and worry creates emotional stress, hopefully short lived...
I would say be happy your wife supports you most of the time and give her the same support in return....

Honey (SO)

[Beauty]

Hi,

I default to the wisdom of the SOs and Virginia's advice is good. The boundaries thread was a very nice exchange.

It sounds like for the most part she's accepting, but even my wife who's very accepting has her days where she just wishes this would all go away. Naturally she doesn't wish it would go "away", "away". I just asked her, in fact. She said, "No? Why would I want it to all go away? It wouldn't be you if it all went away." I love that woman.

So, I'd just chalk it up to a bad day. I'm sorry it happened.

Beauty

[Conie Sue]

thanks for some insight, i guess it's true when they say you can't see the forest through the trees, yes my wife is on a hormone supplament, for the change of life, god that even sounds awfull to say,you would think that with all the progress in medicine that they could come up with something, i remember asking how long this last when it began, my wife and her doctor just looked at me and laughed and said who knows, well that was comforting, so i guess i forget sometimes to be a little more understanding of that , so thanks again for the reminder . i guess maybe we do have a little in common on that page as far as not being in controll of what body and mind are telling you and all the frustrations and emotional upsets. i know i should be more supportive and understanding when i see shes having a bad spell. connie sue

[DonnaT]

Hi Connie,

I reckon you'll just have to let her have her 'vent' session every once in a while, especially if it is only for a day

Probably something she just needs to get out of her system every so often, like my wife does.

Although the boundries thread is a good one, I don't think that is an issue in what you've described, as it does not appear you are going past any boundries she may have (if any).

As for pms, it can be decades long, guaranteed. Just "roll with the punches"

[Allena]

I'm so glad there are 'SO's who participate here.
The value of their insight is unmeasurable!

While reading your opening post, I kept thinking how you might want to get her more information about crossdressing.
But reflecting on my personal experiences with this issue and my wife, even learning more doesn't always 'fix' things any better.

Has your wife ever visited this website or others like it (if there are any others like this one! )?

Have you and your wife done any research on the topic of crossdressing?

I started out by printing material off the internet for my wife.
I suspect she had some doubt as to the relevancy and truthfulness of the material since it DID come from the internet.

This time around, we've both been reading books that I find in stores or order over the 'net.
A couple of books written from a non-crossdresser point-of-view are:
My Husband Betty

Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhood's-My Mother's, My Father's and Mine
and
Out of the Ordinary:Essays on Growing Up with Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Parents.

http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/
http://www.alibris.com/search/search.cf ... Ng5zF_q5nQ

There's one called, "My Husband Wears My Clothes" , but I didn't finish reading it so I can't give a recommendation about it.

I believe that having the chance to learn that...First - there are other couples/people who are dealing with this issue, and Second - that some of these other experiences follow along very closely to one's own experiences, is very helpful to a non-crossdresser.

For my wife, her time spent reading is her own private time to reflect on what other folks are saying about their lives.
She has the opportunity to recognize similar traits, patterns of behavior, emotions in other people that she may recognize in either of us.

The good thing about these books, is that they do not come across as one-sided. At least not to me.
Sort of like the 'SO's here.
I imagine that this gives my wife a chance to have her views/feelings validated.
It's different coming from someone else than coming from me.

Although a person may be 'handling' this issue on the outside, there could very well be a struggle continuing inside.
I know that I have had times when I all 'hunky-dorey' with what I'm doing, but then there's that one moment when I fall apart and start to hate myself all over again.

The PMS issue may be right on, or it may be part of it or none of it.
Perhaps she can help you understand it better if you ask your wife about it.

Here's a link to the topic that was mentioned earlier
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=4800

I hope you two can find middel ground comfortable for you both.
It's encouraging that you are looking for answers to this issue!

[DonnaT]

Allen mentioned obtaining reading material for your wife, and one informative site is at http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm run by Dixie, a member of this forum.

[Gardenia_SO]

This is kind of an old thread, but I can relate to Conie Sue's wife.

My guess is that she didn't know about the crossdressing for a while, and she's having a hard time adjusting to the news. I found out that my fiance is a crossdresser at a point where we were moving in together and picking out new furniture. It was a shock, and I had a tough time digesting that news for a while. He told me about 10 months ago, and while it's still tough at times, I'm much more ok with it now than I was back in January.

She's probably thinking about crossdressing a lot these days, and there could be things that trigger her feelings of anger or frustration. It's probably fun for her at times and irritating at other times. One thing that I discovered early on is that while it didn't bother me when he watches tv in a skirt, I'm not attracted to him when he's en femme. He knows that if he wants some lovin' that he needs to show up in the bedroom with boxers on. If he doesn't need any nookie, he shows up in a thong. That's one compromise we've made.

Sometimes, though, I feel like I've been very understanding and accepting of his crossdressing, but he doesn't ever try to accept that it's difficult for me. It may or may not be true, but that's my perception sometimes.

My advice? I'd talk to her about what bothers her the most. Maybe it's time to discuss boundaries and compromises. It doesn't sound like she's completely unsupportive, but she probably needs to vent occasionally and have her needs met. Good luck.

-Gardenia

PS--she really should check out this board. There are a lot of other SOs out there struggling with the same issues!