A little more about me

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:01 pm

Well Elizabeth:

I have thought about this one ever since you started this thread. I have attempted to plan what I wanted to say. '

When I was small i was taught by a drill sargeant of a father, were nothing done is good enough. Perfect is no good enough. I was a nerd most of my life. I was afriad of my own shadow until I was behind the wheel of a car or was shooting then I was in my favorite world.

Was not very good enough for the ladies of high school. Did the football manager trip. Just raced and got good grades or yes I also drank. I drank because I could not date or the ladies did not want to be seen with me. My parents did love me very much and still do.

Started college to be a accountant but decided I did not want to set at a desk everyday. So the Drill Sarge helped me decide that I needed the military. Stationed for Basic Training at ft jackson broke my foot during basic but I went thru with the rest of the men would not slow down so I got to go thru with the guys I started with which does not happen much in the Army. From there to a mountain top in a Italy, until I met a Army General when his equipment would not work and his team could not get it running well i did get it running in 5 minutes for him. Well that was a major mistake as it was ever time his equipment hicked up I was flown to where the problem was. Helicopter to Venezia, Italy then flown everywhere. Then He decided I need to go on a trip to Nam with a black ops team for him when I was seen in a shooting match on his base. I took second place that day. A tow weeks later after special super fast ranger, sniper, and shealth training, I was on the carrier and coptered into Laos and Nam in 77. Which is after Nam actually.

Then back to a Hospital for a while then to Ft Bragg for the rest of my time. Made Sargeant E-5 in 2 and 1/2 years. Attempted to change my job but I was too good at it and they would not allow it.

Then out of service, decided to build electrical substations but I was too brave. Going from on Insulator to another at 110 feet without the safety belt under the steel beam. Well I fell when the wind came up and by a act of God I found a EMT running between two other insulators at 20 feet with my hands then I passed out with my hands locked on the EMT and arms out of socket. They some how got me down. Being young and pretty nurses I was ok after a few weeks. But decided I needed to go to College.

Now as my therpyist tells me I am a good hearted and loving person with anger management and low self esteem problems plus problems with the Nam remembers. I still see the 12 faces at night. I also have a society disorder. I cant be in a large group. I have always departmentalized my live into groups of individual things so that I sort of have a split personality but I do not have a split personality just groups of thoughts in different file folders in my mind. I have never truly deal with any of it until the last 8 or 9 months with this therpyist. Only person I have truly ever trusted besides my wife of 25 years. I have told my therpyist things that I have never told my wife.

Just like my CD side, I never admitted to myself that I had it until I was on this forum the first night. I was holding a 45 in my hand after cleaning it trying to decide not to kill myself. I admitted it to myself that I had a major problem and it was I was a CD at heart and that with the military problems was too much to handle. The Lord lead me to this forum and gave me a reason and understanding as to what I am and that I am not the only one. so the 45 I prize so much is still here but a tool again instead of a killing unit.

Well I have been rambling on for a while. That is enough you ladies know more about me that anyone in this world. Only the shadow does not reasons for death.

Gelinda

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:51 pm

Hi Gelinda,

This is a wonderful, awesome, and very open account of what kind of person you are. You have a lot to be proud of and I pray that everything you're working on goes as well as you've managed your life.

You're a survivor and I really respect that and you serving our country. You are so brave and I'm in awe of your accomplishments. After doing so much already in life, I think it's amazing that you're trying to improve yourself as a human. You are an amazing person Gee and I'm incredibly proud of you.

Beauty

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:58 pm

thanks Beauty:

You made me turn red in the face. It is just me is all. I am who I am is all .. Love and Hugs Gee.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Aug 27, 2005 8:26 pm

Hi Gee,

It was really great to hear more of your life story. We have spoke about it before but you really put a lot of things into perspective. One of the reasons I started this thread was because I struggled so much trying to fit into the mold of a "man" that society has created. And even though I may have accomplished this or that, what people were really talking about when they refer to "what kind of man are you?", is "what kind of person are you?".

I alluded to this later in my original post. As a man I failed and never felt like I was up to snuff. Instead of my accomplishments raising my self esteem, they lowered it, because I felt like I had to work so much harder than those around me to accomplish the same things. Of course in retrospect the accomoplishments are what they are, regardless of context.

I met a gentleman in 1986 when I was working in Washington DC who also flew black helocopters into Laos wearing black uniforms that did not bear the insignia of the United States.. Many people are not aware that these types of missions exist or that on these types of missions if you get caught, you are dead. You are not under the protection of the US flag.

It took me a long time to realise that it was not my accomplishments that determined what kind of man I was. It was what kind of person I was that really mattered. I could be not very good at being a man, and still be a good person. I did not have to be measured by what I did in my role as a man.

It is the same for you. You need not measure yourself by the faces of those 12 people. We all do what we have to do!!!!! The true measure of who we are is not what we felt compelled to do, it is how we recover from it. It was not until I boiled myself down to my core personality(elizabeth) that I realized that.

I beleive you are on the path to true self discovery now. And one more thing. It is not important what you therapist thinks. It is only important what you think.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:59 pm

Gee,
I too am proud of you! It took quite a bit to share with us and we are glad that you now feel comfortable enough to share your history. I have to admit that when you first came to us, after reading your posts, I had pretty much figured out where you were coming from.
It is pretty much a fact that we who have "the gift" are born with it. What transpires between birth and when we actual acknowledge our feminine side varies from person to person. Some pick up on it at a very young age and for some of us it does not pronounce itself until we are older, but we have always had it and when we accept it and understand it and acknowledge the fact that yes, we can supress it or repress it, but it ain't gonna go away that in itself is a BIG step.
You know how I feel about it! It is truly a gift, not necessarily the desire to dress, but what comes along with it, the feminine characteristics of empathy, understanding, love, caring, the wanting to just reach out and touch a fellow human being, to show them that we care about them. That is the beauty of the gift that we possess and to share it just compounds the benefit!
I am also glad that you survived your run in with Mr. Electricity. I use to work in the Job Training and Safety aspect of electric utilities and have been indoctrinated to the results of unsafe work around electricity. You may just be one of the few exceptions to the rule. "There are old linemen and there are bold linemen, but there ain't no old, bold linemen!"
Stay fluffy, Gee,
Virginia

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 12:47 am

Ladies of beauty and perfection. Elizabeth, Beauty and all knowing an seeing Virginia.

I thank you of so much for being here and giving of your knowledge. I am so screwed up but the road is getting answers and seeing someway to life the next few years. Love and kisses . Gee

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 12:48 am

Ladies of beauty and perfection. Elizabeth, Beauty and all knowing an seeing Virginia.

I thank you of so much for being here and giving of your knowledge. I am so screwed up but the road is getting answers and seeing someway to life the next few years. Love and kisses . Gee

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 12:37 pm

Hi Gelinda--
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. It is not always easy to do, and I respect that.

I joined the military at 21, but never made it to induction--my wool allergy tested positive, and they sent me back home. At the time, I was not worried about what I might have to do if I were a soldier. I'd grown up on John Wayne movies--I'd do whatever I needed to do.

Then I decided I wanted to do music, and it gave me a purpose to life, for maybe the first time. Soon after, I got a clear insight one day. I saw myself aiming at a line of Vietcong fighters, and singling one out. And then I saw that I couldn't do it---he might have dreams just like mine. It was the first time I'd ever gotten outside myself in that way.

I wish that I could help you process the things you went through. At least you have sought out therapy.

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 2:23 pm

Anita:

Thanks for caring so. I sometimes get to typing an the words just fall out. I do not regret what I did at all but sometimes it is hard to live with. It is funny before I was there I use to go hunting a lot.

Now I can go hunting but only with a camera. I love it more with the camera I think. I just can't kill anymore. I go shooting because I love that too and go to matches when I can. But I do not hunt to kill.

Thanks for being here. Gelinda

Post by **KimberlyS** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 3:10 pm

Wonderful post Gelinda, I so enjoy hearing about others, where they have come from. It helps me to know the people here better.

My wife does not understand how I can make friends online and get to know people. I get to know them through chatting with them, just like we were face to face, and the is tough for me because my mom and other grownups and my mom always did the talking. I was the quiet one. And i get to know people through posts like yours. Posts from the heart.

I am glad to know you and call you friend like may others here.

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 4:43 pm

Kimmy: You will never understand how much we are alike. You are like the person that is in town that I am with all the time. I have always been a loner like the big shows. Never liked it much but with people like you and others on this form I am getting someway past that.

I deeply appreciate everyone for the most part on this forum, an even the ones I fight with and have no respect for those are important too because it teachs me that there is gray in this world. As I have stated I have always liked my life as their is only black and white, right and wrong and nothing in between but there is a whole world in between and we all must live and except that.

Love an Hugs. Gee