Feminine Anger Management

[Virginia]

Ladies, my "problem" is this: How do GG's manage anger? I am truly trying to incorporate all the feminine characteristics I can into my daily life. Most are returning beautiful rewards, some of which I have eluded to in other posts - sorry I digress - anyway. My ?soon? to be "ex" came over today as we had some people who wanted to tour our home which is for sale. My "wife" as you may or may not know moved out and into her parents' home over a year ago. Anyway, my friend Brandi asked me to wrap some gifts that she had for her son and daughter, which I did with plans to take them to her today. My "wife" sees them sitting on the counter and says,"I don't know who this Brandi is but she seems to fair far better in gifts than I ever did!" I like to have totally and completely lost it and had it not been for Virginia stepping in (to my mind) I would have. I simply said, "well as best as I can remember you did not seem to suffer at Christmas." What a shot!!! You girls seem to be very adept at hitting us with stuff like that out of the blue -totally untrue but how the hell can I even remember what I gave her over twenty eight years - I would be willing to bet that she can item for item year for year!
I know you girls get mad at people and can carry a gruge, how do you do it and not express it in a flurry of fists about the head and shoulders - just kidding about the physical aspect, but how do you carry it off or do you?
Hope you know what I am seeking. I just want another feminine arrow in my quiver.
Virginia

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Virginia

Basically, you are asking how do we 'manage' or 'control' our anger and prevent the outward show of that anger from turning into a war of words, or from becoming physical?

Hmm, do I *really* want to give away my secrets? Oh, okay, just this once, mind you, so pay attention!

Playing this mind game: In an argument, Person A says something nasty, and when Person B responds, that's all that 'A' remembers. Think of it this way, "the person who speaks next - loses!" Just stare at them, saying absolutely nothing; or just turn and walk away.

If the argument is getting fairly heated, just remind yourself that no matter what the other person says, 'you' are a much better person, and you don't want to lower yourself to their sub-standards.

And one of my favorite sayings, which I repeat over and over in my head during an argument, while the other person is ranting and raving: I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person!

I'm sure there are other methods, but these are just some that I personally use - and I was taught them all by a man who was a vice president of two companies, go figure!

You also said this:

You girls seem to be very adept at hitting us with stuff like that out of the blue -totally untrue but how the hell can I even remember what I gave her over twenty eight years - I would be willing to bet that she can item for item year for year!

In case you haven't figured it out by now: Women ALWAYS remember these things - I think it's imprinted in our genetic codes - the same ones that never let us forget a birthday, anniversary, or a holiday.

[Georgia(SO)]

ooh, SL, I *knew* we'd wind up giving away all the good stuff...

Yes, Virginia, there are many, many ways that women manage their anger, and then some, like your ex-wife, don't seem to do it all.

I pretty much follow SL's recommendations - as I told my soon-to-be-daughter in law the other day - you can't do anything about what someone says or does to you, but YOU can choose not to participate. YOU can choose to close your mouth and not let them bait you. A dumb stare works remarkably well. Remember, arguing is like a tango - it takes two.

hugs,
-g(so)

[Xenia]

...there are many, many ways that women manage their anger, and then some, like your ex-wife, don't seem to do it all.

Hi Georgia(SO) and SilverLady,

well, what if the gender in that statement is reversed:
... there are many, many ways that men manage their anger, and then some, like your ex-husband, don't seem to do it all.

Isn't that true, too?
How many people of all genders aren't eaten up by anger and frustration?
And if there are 'many ways' in which women (or men) can (or can't) handle their anger, is there really anything, which could be safely generalized genderwise?

Puzzled (as nearly always)

Xenia

[Georgia(SO)]

Xenia's going to make me think tonight?

well, what if the gender in that statement is reversed:
... there are many, many ways that men manage their anger, and then some, like your ex-husband, don't seem to do it all.

OK. I agree. Many men manage their anger, and no, my ex-husband couldn't do it all.

I think what you are asking is whether gender plays a role in anger management. Hmmmm... seriously, I think that, as a whole, women are taught to handle anger with either a refusal to play the game, or, as Virginia noted, with a really cutting, somewhat deft backhanded remark. I think that men, as a whole, are taught to express their anger more directly and clearly.

I'm not talking about physical expressions - grown people don't hit people.

I think, however, that anger management, as with any other emotion, is far more connected to the individual's personality than to their gender. In other words, yeah, there probably are some differences between men and women in general, but the great differences are due to individual personality quirks...

-g(so)

[SilverLady(SO)]

Overall, with Georgia.

Some people, male or female, absolutely love to play mind games with others, especially during a confrontation. My dh is one of them; he's in the top 1% for IQ, so that probably makes a difference. He can't physically fight, so he mentally fights. He usually wins, and not because he's always right. He wins by mental intimidation - by making the other person (sometimes me) feel that their value to society as a whole has less worth than the ground on which he is standing. A form of mental abuse, true, but you don't realize it's happening until afterwards - - kind of like not getting the punch line of a joke until 5 or 10 minutes later, and by then, you are the joke and it's too late for a rebuttal.

This, then, becomes his form of anger management. He has taught me some of his tricks, such as I first commented on to Virginia above.

Georgia's also right: anger management - and other emotions - are far more connected to that individual's personality rather than their gender. My dh also had a much harder time expressing his emotions prior to his strokes, although in some ways he's more emotional overall post-strokes. He continues to play his mind games, though, and he still wins by intimidation, much to my chagrin.

I think the long and short of it, Virginia, is that you have to develop a much thicker skin when dealing with the soon-to-be ex-wife and not let her realize that her zingers and barbs have hit home and drawn blood. That gives her more power over you, which means she'll throw more zingers and barbs in your direction.

Georgia(SO) said:

ooh, SF, I *knew* we'd wind up giving away all the good stuff...

In this case, true, we did, Georgia - - but I think this will help the GG's, also.

- SL

[Absaroka]

I completely agree with the comments that this is mostly about individual personality.

I do think that women are sometimes more subtle then men in their anger and also better at knowing where the most easily wounded places are. Also maybe better at using guilt rather than intimidation. The rapier vs the club. But on the other hand I have known my share of women who approach anger from a "masculine" standpoint and who's weapon of choice was a baseball bat or firearm, with a correspondin g verbal approach to match. Not people I choose to associate with today for obvious reasons.

Andrea

[KathyB]

May I offer another witticism that may help?

Never argue with fools. They'll just drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

[SilverLady(SO)]

You are so very right, my dear Zippy!

More witticism along the same lines:

I've seen more adults acting like 2-year olds than I have seen 2-year olds acting like adults!

And lately, the dh has been acting like a 2-year old. I think he needs either a nap, applied education to the seat of learning, or both! ::hmpf::

I'm going to start following the advice I gave to Virginia: develop a thicker skin to deflect his zingers and barbs, because I hate to bleed. ::very deep sigh::