Rationalizations, fears and fantasies

[Nina Femrite]

Since my wife is very uncomfortable with my crossdressing, I'm always trying to come up with justifications, rationalizations, examples of famous people throughout history who crossdress, etc. She still doesn't understand why I do it (nor do I for that matter!) but that doesn't stop me from trying to convince her that it's not as awful as she thinks. Don't get me wrong, I'm not haranguing, arguing, preaching or even talking about it all that often but when it comes up I try to soft-sell it as casually as I can.

My most recent rationalization is to have her think of it as a sport or hobby. It's not something that I want to do professionally but it's more of a form of recreation. Just as every golfer wants to be as good as Tiger Woods, I'd like to be seen as an attractive woman. This doesn't mean that I want a sex change, I don't. Nor does it mean that I'm gay or that I want to dress as a woman full time (what a hassle that would be!). But, if I'm going to crossdress, then I'd like to have the hair, the figure, the clothes, the accessories, the shoes, the voice, etc of a woman.

I'd like to be able to have lunch with a glass of wine at a cute outdoor cafe on a tree-lined street. I'd cross my legs demurely and peak out over my sunglasses from time to time. Perhaps I'd stroll down the street, window shopping and smile at the passers-by, my high heels making the eck-eck sounds as I walked. I'd like to attend a chamber music concert and have some stranger comment that I'm wearing a pretty dress. Maybe I'd find a young woman crying over some guy in the restroom and I'd be able to comfort her. I'd like to be invited to a high tea, where I'd wear a pastel suit with white gloves and a fashionable hat. We'd sip tea and nibble on cucumber sandwiches, gossiping and giggling. While I know I could go out right now and do some of these things, I would hate to cause a stir or be the center of attention. Possibly the worst would be to have someone laugh at me or taunt me - no, the worst would be if someone decided to hurt me because of the way I was dressed. These are some of my fantasies and fears.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Nina -

Since my wife is very uncomfortable with my crossdressing, I'm always trying to come up with justifications, rationalizations, examples of famous people throughout history who crossdress, etc.

J. Edgar Hoover is the first 'famous' person that comes to mind!!

- SL

[Helen L]

Hi Nina,

Since my wife is very uncomfortable with my crossdressing, I'm always trying to come up with justifications, rationalizations, examples of famous people throughout history who crossdress, etc.

Just a suggestion, you could try watching an Eddie Izzard video together. Dress to Kill is a good one to start with....

Helen

[DonnaT]

My most recent rationalization is to have her think of it as a sport or hobby.

Not a particularly good rationalization, because she can come back with the argument that hobbies and sports can be dropped, or exchanged for a different one.


She needs to understand that our gender identity is hard wired in our brains prior to birth. That the influence of hormones as well as our genetic makeup is the cause for this phenomena. And that it can lay dormant for any length of time from 2 years old to even 70 years old or more, until triggered by something we do or see. Just like alcoholism can lay dormant until triggered by a person who has their first alcoholic drink.

Research is ongoing. http://www.tgcrossroads.org/news/archive.asp?aid=770

Once my wife accepted the foregoing, she became a little more tolerant of my needs.

[Virginia]

Donna,
Thanks for posting the website! I put it on my favorties lists. There are some really good articles in there. I especially liked reading about Dolly Parton and Willie Nelson and their attitudes. Like Dolly says, she does not sit in judgement. "We are all GOD's children!"
Now if I can just find out when she has the Gay and Lesbian Day at Dollywood!
Love ya,
Virginia

[Absaroka]

Nina,

Those are all pleasant scenarios/fantasies. Many of which I can't relate to, for example I don't like chamber music and don't like people commenting on what I wear anyway. But obviously they have some sort of emotional content for you. They perhaps portray some sort of Jungian archetype for you. I think we each have our own little vignettes we would enjoy en femme. It would be interesting to know why you would want to wear those particular clothes at those particular events.

My current perhaps tame one would be to go with my wife to an annual event she prefers to attend alone with old friends. Most of them are gay men who do drag. I'm straight and although I crossdress I don't do the show biz female impersonator thing. I think it might be nice to sit there en femme, blending in but quiet. A setting where I would be unremarkable.

Thanks for sharing your fantasies.

Absaroka

[Anita]

Hi Nina-
I liked this post a lot, since I could easily see the fantasies, and they fit mine to a high degree.

Since my wife is very uncomfortable with my crossdressing, I'm always trying to come up with justifications, rationalizations, examples of famous people throughout history who crossdress

This gets to me, that I can't come up with justifications for crossdressing that just anyone could use. The only one I could come up with was performing, first as a drag queen, and later as a musician. But I can't think of any other context that works in real life, short of just living fulltime as a woman. People will accept that, to some degree. But anything short of that--good luck, Nina!

My most recent rationalization is to have her think of it as a sport or hobby. It's not something that I want to do professionally but it's more of a form of recreation.

Donna pointed out that that is a slippery slope, and I'd agree. Looking at as a sport avoids looking at the urgency and/or need to crossdress. It's apples being compared to oranges, and it might be very misleading.

But, if I'm going to crossdress, then I'd like to have the hair, the figure, the clothes, the accessories, the shoes, the voice, etc of a woman.

That's a very common feeling among CDs. I think people get confused hearing this, because they question why you would want to perfect an image that no respectable man should want in the first place? (Their opinion, not mine.)

While I know I could go out right now and do some of these things, I would hate to cause a stir or be the center of attention. Possibly the worst would be to have someone laugh at me or taunt me - no, the worst would be if someone decided to hurt me because of the way I was dressed. These are some of my fantasies and fears.

I love your fantasies, which I didn't quote. I have lived out some of them, and they don't necessarily require a hugh sacrifice from either you or your wife. You do have to go slowly, though, when you have someone else in your life.

The fears have to be acknowledged and looked at, and you need to figure out how you will react if any of them ever come to pass. Carrying pepperspray or mace (if you're licensed) is a good idea--one I haven't acted on yet. In my five years of experiences, I haven't had any threats, few taunts, and maybe four laughs directed at me. I don't say I'll never be the target of someone's rage, but it is not a norm. That's all I can say--one T-girl's view of the world.