Gender research expanding my thinking.

[Valerie]

I have been doing some research into why I CD. I have been CDing off and on when I can, since I was 18 ( I'm 49 now ). Usually when my wife was at work or away for a while. As the years went on,I found it harder to find time,with kids and all, but usually got to dress at least a few times each year. A couple of years ago I got really down,maybe depressed because I could not dress as much as I liked and my wife was so against it. We had a talk ( arguement? discussion? ) about it. She let me know she wasn't going anywhere and throw our years away. But she still doesn't understand. I also needed to know more ( ease my anxiety) and found this forum.
Looking for more info I began to read up in books on the subject. " Who's really from Venus" by Peggy Rudd; "My husband Betty" by Helen Boyd"; "Crossdressing,Sex and Gender" by Vern L. and Bonnie Bullough. These were very good books, each one different but the same. The last one, by the Bulloughs,I found was more a text book type going thru the history of CDing,but I found so much info in it. At this point I am beginning to know more about myself, but still not 100% as to why.
Could it be biological, something not finished while growing in my mother? Or is it because she put me in a dress of my sister's as punishment ( only 1 time I can think of ) when I was about 3 (?)? Maybe it is because in my early years,2-6,I always played with my sister and the girl next door. I have lots of thoughts of that;playing tag,pretend campouts in the backyard,etc. No thoughts of dolls though that I can think of.
As I grew older, I remember going thru my sisters clothes,but only remember looking at them,not trying them on. When I got married, at 18, I started trying on my wifes clothes. This is when it took off. Off and on,thru the years,I would try on most of what she had. About 15 years ago,she knew more, as I showed her what I looked like in one of her dresses. It has always been a sore subject with her, but I think she thought that "out of sight,out of mind",and I would grow out of it.
But we know better. In these last couple of years,I wanted to know more about why I am this way. I am more informed now, but still not to the root cause. Maybe never will get to it. I have taken some of the online tests (COGIATI was one ) and always rated, in the 100-0-100 scale, about a 0 to 50,depending on the test and rating. So I know that I am leaning more to the male side,but with some female traits. I know some of you have rated more to the female side. But,as I have read, gender is not 100% "male" nor "female" . It is more like a sliding scale in gender. There is no text book classification as to what is a male or female when talking gender.
So I keep wondering and researching,my thirst for knowledge never stops ( no matter the subject, is how I am ). Do I see a therapist? I am still thinking about this,but since I know where I am, it may not do any good ( except maybe for my wife,but that will never happen,haha ). I have yet to explain all the theories and go over the books with her. I am still waiting for the right time ( having an 18 year old in and out doesn't help ). And I hope she will listen with an open mind when we do. Wish me luck,

[DonnaT]

Good luck Valerie.

I'm pretty solid in figuring it has more to do with some biological anomaly, than anything else.

Heck there are many different types of conditions for some who's bodies are Intersexed, so, why can't the brain have such intersexed conditions!?

[Valerie]

Yes Donna, I believe that some of it is in the brain. But I also think that mine could be due to my up bringing or what I have read about society in general.

I tried to bring up what I have read so far to my wife this mornng. Kind of want her to understand. She didn't want to talk about it right now,so I am just going to have to wait on her.

[Virginia]

Valerie, honey you are taking the right track!! I too could not believe what I was feeling, I did not feel guilty, I was puzzled, but like you I thought, I have got to find out what is going on with me and these "interesting" desires and feeling. "God Bless the Internet!" I was most fortunate to have "stumbled" on this site shortly after discovering the ?CDDC? Anyway, my sisters here have made my acceptance of who "what" I am so much more enjoyable.
I, too, have done extensive research and reading. Although, "science" is somewhat at a loss to explain "us." I personally don't have any problem with "it!" I love who I am, I accept it and I relish it and I share what Virginia has given to me with everyone that I come into contact with. The empathy, love, understanding, sharing, listening, touching, all the "feminine traits" that most of us admire and strive for. It is all so wondrous!!!
I have espoused my theory before and I will again and I will hang on to it until I am proven wrong: "We may well be the next phase in human evolution!" Science has projected that the "X" chromosome will be extinct in the the next 25,000 years anyway. We may well be the first of a new breed of humans! Granted, a very early breed, but all evolution has to start somewhere!
"Go forth woman, and BE!"
Love,
Virginia

[Mány B]

Valerie,
I think we are all puzzled by what is hapening to us. Although it doesn't satisfy all explanations, I would like to add a point of view that might be helpful (or not at all so..):
I believe I am sometimes triggered into CD-ing by seeing a beautiful woman (in real, in a magazine, on a pantyhose packing, on TV etc), wanting to look at her freely, talk to her, feel her, caress her or in a way to .."possess" her. If I cannot achieve that, being too remote or somewhat shy when it comes to communicating and expressing one's feelings, then it could be a solution for me to try and be "her" and so to possess her fully.

Just adding a personal reflection, nothing more.

Enjoy..

[AnnaMaria]

I have also been doing a lot of research about this topic because of my own desire to understand why I am the way I am. Much to my amazement I have found information that traces back in history as far as ancient rome before the birth of Christ. So Virginia if your theory of evolution is correct then we are looking at a progression of over 2000 years at least. Which would make us a little farther up on the track rather than at the beginning.

One particular part of recent history that I personally find to be interesting is the fact that prior to the white man's arrival in the new world the Native Americans believed that tg's were a gift from the Great Spirit and most of the tribes celebrated this fact most religiously.

I have also read articles that state from a purly scientific point of view that there is a difference in the physical makeup of the brain which could explain why some people are born tg. There was a study done in Sweden I beleive where doctors actually took a look at the brains of tg's who had passed and donated their bodies to science in an attempt to help with the progress of understanding what causes some to be tg. The doctors found that the size of one particular gland, which I can never remember the name of, was different in tg's than in "normal" folks of the same gender. I think it might be the patuatary gland but, whatever it is the gland is responsible for the production of female hormones and is larger in women than in men, except in the case of tg's where it was discovered that the size of the gland takes on the size of the opposite gender.

What does this all mean? Don't ask me I am just a computer geek but I do know for sure that the reason that I am a tg has nothing to do with early childhood. I know this because I am at least a second generation tg in my immediate family. My mom is also a tg but she has never done anything about the feelings other than to supress them her entire life. Which leads me to believe that this is caused by something genetic rather than enviromental. But, that is just my theory.

Of course me being part Native American, I personally accept the belief that this is a gift from the Great Spirit and my spiritual side tells me that I don't have the right to question it. But, my computer brain tells me that I should question everything that happens to me and around me so I am in a quandry about it.

I have accepted who I am for the most part, and I try to live my life in a way which will reflect this acceptance without drawing to much attention to myself but there are times when I just have to let myself go and be who I am no matter what the reaction of others is.

Of course this discussion could and probably will go on long after I am gone so I will stop my theorizing here. Good luck with your search.

Anna

[Ed Wood]

Don't think about it... Enjoy it!!!!

(I DO think about it though, but mostly just get on and enjoy it, seriously!)

Some days are MUCH worse than others, introspectively, aren't they?

I wish that I could stop analysing, but have come to the conclusion - reading posts here and from my own experience, because we are not practising for another go at life - that I am better off putting deep analysis to one side as much as poss and just doing what feels good!

A LOT feels good! Sometimes I really QnA why, but as REAL answers are never going to be forthcoming. I am happy to be subserviant to my inner self and just try to balance things to suit all.

Not an answer, but a way of dealing with it.

On the whole though, I am with Donna on this!!!

ED

[Rikki]

I stopped analyzing after I found out I wasn't alone. Now I just wish for more time to dress and enjoy!
rr

[Valerie]

I still wonder why, but think it is probably more to do with the brain and my early childhood. My wife and I are going away later this week for a few days in a cabin in the woods. I am going to take my books with me and hopefully she will let me explain what I know so far and talk about it with me. If not, I hope the fire works won't be to bad, .

And I agree with you Rikki,wish I had more time to enjoy, .

[Absaroka]

A cabin in the woods in December with the woman you love. I hope it is a wonderful few days.

Valerie I liked your post and the others here also. I, like most of us, have thought and read a lot about why?

I think that we have to be careful what we are talking about. Helen Boyd talks about the variety of crossdressers, from the truly transgendered who could make the arguement that they are not cross dressing at all but merely wearing the clothes of their real gender, to the folks who do this precisely because it is what they are not: that is the people who wear womens clothing specifically because they are men. And all sort of other reasons. So it is likely that one explanation will not fit all.

"Why" is a fascinating question, but we must ask why do we ask it. Is it with the idea that if we have an explanation then our difference will then be more acceptable, at least to us? I think this is often the case, and as Virginia and others here sometimes say, maybe we should cut to the chase and just accept without knowing why. That is something the forums have given me and for which I am truly thankful.

Whenever you ask why? one perfectly good response is why not? WHy don't more people enjoy dressing as the opposite gender? A question of course which is complicated by the fact that we have no idea how many people do this. After all often a woman can crossdress and be un noticed, although crossing gender lines of course may attract attention. And men are so secretive about it that what percent of the population does this is a wild guess at best.

To tell the truth, except for social consequences I can't think of a good reason not to cross dress, just as I can't think of a good reason not to dress as a male also. But the social consequences can be pretty hefty. So once more I must ask why do I feel the need to take risks to do this? What makes it so important at times, so unimportant at other times?

Right now I am home alone at my computer in total male garb. Today is an unhurried day but getting dressed en femme just didn't seem worth the extra minutes it would take to change. Other days it is something I find the time to do even if it is a frantic day.

A year ago someone posted a poll about would we wear womens clothes all the time in a perfect world. My answer was a resounding no, that in a perfect world I would often be naked. And indeed when it is warm I wear as little as I possibly can. CDing is a cold weather activity for me. What perspective does that put crossdressing in?

Absaroka