A Vent: People who DON'T LISTEN

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 9:36 pm

Okay. I’m going to let you all in on a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. (You can all relax, it has nothing to do with this board) This is something a little broader that REALLY gets my goat. I’m sure many of you can even relate to this.

I swear that I am now convinced that all of my face-to-face friends are totally THICK HEADED.

Whenever they send me those annoying Fw: Fw: Fw: "send this to 10 of your friends, inclucing the one who sent it you " e mails, I do not get angry. When folks were calling me bright & early on a Saturday or Sunday morning (my ONLY chance to sleep in) I did not lose my temper.

But NOW I am really growing disgusted with them because I have REPEATED to them ALL, over and over again… MY SATURDAY EVES IN MARCH ARE BOOKED SOLID. I have nieces’ birthdays, nephews’ birthdays, godchildren’s birthdays, and other obligations. Plus I am moving within 2 weeks. I have a LOT on my calendar this month, and given the fact that I work all week (as people will tend to do, gee) I only have Saturdays to take care of personal business.

I have repeated to EVERY ONE OF THEM that Saturdays are not good for me to “hang out”, yet week after week, my e mail runneth over, and my cell phone will ring off the hook, all with messages from people asking me “what are you doing tonight” and telling me that I just “have to come out”. I swear that everyone I know is DENSE. Nobody listens. I repeat myself like a PARROT, but it just doesn’t sink in. It does not register.

The reason for this rant? Okay, it was triggered by a real snotty e mail response from one friend when I told her that I was not going out tonight. Yeah, there’s a good idea: Let’s go out, get drunk, and then drive home on icy roads. Real smart. Besides, this e-mail invite got to me yesterday? One day’s notice? Of course I’m going to say no!

I CANNOT and WILL NOT answer an e-mail or a phone call the moment it gets to me and that's just the way it is. I have too much to do right now.

And people will just have to get used to that, at least until the middle of April after I move and Birthday Season has passed.

I swear, the next one of them to ask me “What are you doing Saturday? Come out!” will be permanently BLOCKED from my e-mail account!

This nonsense has really got to stop.

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 1:12 am

Another MAJOR pet peeve that I have is when I post what I feel is a serious issue and others turn it into a "humor" thread!!!

I like to joke as much as the next girl, but I was NOT expecting it in this thread. :x

I really don't know why the hell I bother sometimes. It's days like this I am just ready to give up on the human race.

I think I'll just shut up from now on. This will be my last post.

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 2:11 am

Whoa Lorna! Hang in there girl! Sometimes its pretty difficult to tell a poster's state of mind without being there in person! I too, thought there might be a tounge-in-cheek humorous slant to your first post. I'm sure nobody here meant any offense but rather were trying to help you get through this. I hope everybody can get beyond this. :|

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:30 am

Lorna wrote:Another MAJOR pet peeve that I have is when I post what I feel is a serious issue and others turn it into a "humor" thread!!!

I like to joke as much as the next girl, but I was NOT expecting it in this thread. :x

I really don't know why the hell I bother sometimes. It's days like this I am just ready to give up on the human race.

I think I'll just shut up from now on. This will be my last post.

Hi Lorna,

I'm so sorry. I read this thread and was squeamish about the reactions, but I don't think folks were trying to be mean. They were trying to cheer you up by posting humor to bring you out of your bad day.

Please don't you take even one more step away from here.

It would make me extremely sad and very empty if you left. I don't think I'd be alone.

Please don't go.

Beauty

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:49 am

I guess what I will do, going forward, is leave some sort of an indicator at the top of the post to avoid future misunderstandings. Maybe I did overreact, my head has been messed up all year.

2004 has been a rotten year for me thus far.

My job gives me no end of grief, I've been having serious financial problems, I got the shaft on my tax refund, I now have to deal with the stress of moving, my family is so self-righteous, and my friends give me NO SPACE whatsoever. They IM me to death to the point where I had to delete all of my Instant message software. They call me up early on the weekends, NEVER allowing me to sleep in so now I keep the phone shut OFF, even to those who want to reach me in an emergency. They run my phone bill up & my battery DOWN. They send me useless CRAP, filling up my e mail which I have to clean out every two days. They give me NO notice when they want me to attend some get-together and then give me flack when I say NO.

I'm under enough stress. Friends are supposed to help take that stress away, not ADD to it. I think that I have to cut them off.

I have to go to work. Another !#$%&* day ahead.

(And for those of you who think THIS post is funny, guess what: IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE!)

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 9:25 am

Hi Lorna,

I'm happy you decided to stay.

Feel free to vent anytime. It's good to get those kinds of things out.

Are you still ruling out talking to a therapist?

There's A LOT of stuff there and some of it hasn't seemed to abate after a few years now.

I'm worried that you're trying to take on too much because you are such a caring person. I too was over caring and realized I was co-dependent. Ironically enough I learned about this while I lived in your neck of the woods. Over 10 years later I do what I want to and I don't think twice about it. Those who are affected can feel the way they want, but I'm to screwed up in the head to manage another person's expectations of me, much less more than one.

I wish you the best and I'm VERY glad you stayed.

Beauty

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 9:42 am

Hi. Lorna,

I'm not telling you this so you can think you don't have problems. I
just want you to know your not alone. I can tell now how much you are
hurting as the pressure is building. I thought Julie and Miss Carolyn
were only trying to cheer you up. I'm not good at cheering up, but
here it goes, typing with one eye.

I have financial difficulties now. My best friend, whom I taught with all
my hard earned knowledge the last 6 years, betrayed me and plotted
and turned the engineer against me to take my position. I know you'll
believe I was always upstanding and did nothing wrong. It's a long story,
but I will stop here.

I have no friends that will go to a movie with me dressed like I love.
I work mostly 6 day weeks, around 45 Sat a year. Sunday morning
I need the sleep. We can't shut the phone off as my wife's suffering
business, through the downturn, depends on customers contacting us.
A lot are only free to call on Sunday mornings.

We have no sick leave and I have used 3 of 5 call in days already.
One for a day I was snowed in, one was a family emergency, and
the last two days I've been home because of an eye problem.
I couldn't be excused for an hour even to go to the eye doctor to find
what was wrong. It wasn't a work injury.

I think maybe you are blessed with so many friends. If a friend goes
over the top because your busy and you have lots of friends, I'd try
not to worry about this one. Your well being is more important.
I like honesty even though it don't always produce the desired effect.
You should e-mail everyone again, explain your situation again. Tell
about the cell phone bills and tell them you will have to screen your calls
for a month or two until the financial and personal situation improves.
If nothing else you will find who your real friends are.

I have to believe as wonderful a person as you are, some of these people
are deep friends and will support you through these hard times.

Best of Luck,
Don't melt down on me!
Kersten

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 10:00 am

Hi, Beauty and Lorna,

I haven't known you as long as Beauty but I think Beauty may have
something. I too have been a codependent and am first learning to care
about my needs, (in therapy). Cross dressing was never seen as a
cause of my instability nor something that had to be cured. It only
mattered who I was. She was the first person to respect me for me.

From the way you always are there to help, it could be that you are over
loading by caring to deeply for others and not so much for youself.

Maybe you could do a little thing for yourself today that would please only
you. That is how I started.

Please don't think I am trying to analize you. Only you can know how you
are. I only care for you like the other girls here do.

Take Care,
Kersten

LeftyRainbow(SO) · Post by **LeftyRainbow(SO)** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 10:39 am

Just wanted to add..."Good Luck with your move, Lorna"

Hope things lighten up for you soon,

Lefty

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 12:53 pm

Beauty wrote:Are you still ruling out talking to a therapist? There's A LOT of stuff there and some of it hasn't seemed to abate after a few years now.

I would love to talk to a therapist, but I have still yet to find counseling that I can afford. Maybe I'm not thinking clearly right now, (when Im stressed, I cant think straight) ... I want to see one but I wouldn't know how to go about doing that w/o health insurance.

If you have any ideas or suggestions, feel free to e mail them to me. Thanks in advance.

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 12:59 pm

DianeL wrote:I suppose that you and I should be flattered that these people thought to include us in their plans, but I'm not!

Exactly!

It's just common courtesy to give someone enough of an advance notice if they want me to be a part of whatever is going on. I require at least a week's notice. I DON'T think that's asking too much.

And just because I am not married and have no children does NOT mean that I am at anyone's disposal 24/7. I have a job, amongst many other commitments. You hit the nail right on the head, hon...

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 1:31 pm

Kersten Lee wrote:I think maybe you are blessed with so many friends. If a friend goes
over the top because your busy and you have lots of friends, I'd try
not to worry about this one. Your well being is more important.
I like honesty even though it don't always produce the desired effect.
You should e-mail everyone again, explain your situation again. Tell
about the cell phone bills and tell them you will have to screen your calls
for a month or two until the financial and personal situation improves.
If nothing else you will find who your real friends are.

Hi Kersten... thanks so much...

Would you believe that I had gone through a "screening out" of friends when I first came out to the world as Lorna? Truly, at that point, I saw who my real friends were.

Then about 2 years later, I had to do a second "screening out". True friends vs. those who thought that Lorna was nothing more than a sideshow.

Who would have thought that I would have to do another screening out so soon?

Like you said, I'll find out who the real ones are. The real ones will understand when I'm too busy with important stuff to partake in something frivolous.

I would rather have few true friends than lots of fake ones. So I sent out the following open letter to everyone:

First off, if you don't feel that this applies to you, then you can simply delete this. This e mail is going out to EVERYONE I speak to on a regular basis. So I don't want anyone taking this personally, and I don't want to read any reponses of folks ripping into me. This is a general e mail for EVERYONE.

As I have mentioned to many of you before, this month I am burdened with an overabundance of job commitments, family commitments, birthdays and other obligations. Not to mention that I am moving within 2 weeks, and I need time to organize, plan, and prepare for that. I have told everyone time and time again that the month of March is an extremely busy one for me. Yet week after week, many of you still persist in asking "what am I doing Saturday night?" when you already know the answer, and when I decline, I catch flack for it.

This routine is beginning to bore me. So I'll repeat it again: MY SATURDAYS ARE BOOKED THRU MID APRIL.

If I have a free night to go out, or get together, or whatever is going on, trust me I WILL contact you. But right now I am juggling way too much to answer each and every indiviual e mail and phone message, especially when I'm at work. I have TOO MUCH personal business at the moment to think of anything else.

So, if for any reason I cannot make it out on a certain night, I don't want to hear any flack. I don't mind so much the emails about what is happening on any given night, and I appreciate the fact that you want me to come out & go to this club/party/get-together/show/whatever, but again if I don't respond immediately or I cannot make it, you already KNOW why.

Fear not, the dust will subside by mid April. But until then, I just have too much going on, and assume that I am NOT available. If anything changes between now and April then I will be in touch.

Thanks in advance.

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 1:32 pm

leftyrainbow(SO) wrote:Just wanted to add..."Good Luck with your move, Lorna"

Hope things lighten up for you soon,

Lefty

Thanks hon...

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 4:39 pm

Julie wrote:I'm glad you're still with us Lorna.

I'm sure you know about the "stress tests" where you list the things that are causing problems and then get a score. I think your score would be off the charts. Its hard enough to deal with one or two things at once, and really hard to cope with all the things happening in your life.

One of the things I'm learning about having girlfriends is that it includes the freedom to vent and to be comforted if possible. To have someone who listens and cares. Joking about (not making fun of) problems is guy-mode. -- me in guy-mode:

I don't know if you want to share about your self-righteous family (or if you did and I missed it) but we are here to listen. I suspect a lot of us have similar situations and will understand.

We had our first child when many of our friends had no children, and it was hard to convince them that just "dropping by" didn't work anymore. We asked people to call first and were taken as -- rude? unfriendly? We also asked for a few days advance notice if there is a get together, so we could get a sitter. Didn't work either.

I have no great advice as to how to deal with pestering friends, but there are some possibilities. So, my opinion only -- its unclear to me why real friends would not listen to you and respect your boundaries. I think that selective "cutting off" is a good idea. I think (my opinion only) that these people are using you for their own selfish reasons. Like -- let's have a get-together, and we'll have a lot more fun if Lorna's here. Or, I'm lonely, I'll try to get Lorna to fix that for me.

Take the flack, calls, etc., for what they are -- pressure from people who need or want you but have little intention of helping you. If they pepper you with questions (why not? etc.) you do not have to give an answer. If you try to explain, then they will put further pressure on you -- and the things that you need support for will be seen by them as obstacles that they have to overcome, not as real problems for you. Say "I can't" and if they ask why answer "I just can't".

I hope that we can be the friends and support you need to handle your incredibly stressful situation. Rant away Lorna dear, you need to do it and, I think, all of us realize that and will listen and understand.

Love, Julie

Thanks, Julie...

I just sent the following e mail to everyone I see on a regular basis:

First off, if you don't feel that this applies to you, then you can simply delete this. This e mail is going out to EVERYONE I speak to on a regular basis. So I don't want anyone taking this personally, and I don't want to read any reponses of folks ripping into me. This is a general e mail for EVERYONE.

As I have mentioned to many of you before, this month I am burdened with an overabundance of job commitments, family commitments, birthdays and other obligations. Not to mention that I am moving within 2 weeks, and I need time to organize, plan, and prepare for that. I have told everyone time and time again that the month of March is an extremely busy one for me. Yet week after week, many of you still persist in asking "what am I doing Saturday night?" when you already know the answer, and when I decline, I catch flack for it.

This routine is beginning to bore me. So I'll repeat it again: MY SATURDAYS ARE BOOKED THRU MID APRIL.

If I have a free night to go out, or get together, or whatever is going on, trust me I WILL contact you. But right now I am juggling way too much to answer each and every indiviual e mail and phone message, especially when I'm at work. I have TOO MUCH personal business at the moment to think of anything else.

So, if for any reason I cannot make it out on a certain night, I don't want to hear any flack. I don't mind so much the emails about what is happening on any given night, and I appreciate the fact that you want me to come out & go to this club/party/get-together/show/whatever, but again if I don't respond immediately or I cannot make it, you already KNOW why.

All of the dust will subside by mid April. But until then, I just have too much going on, and assume that I am NOT available. If anything changes between now and April then I will be in touch.

Thanks in advance.

I kept it polite, but firm. Hopefully they will get the message. The ones who don't will be the ones to go.

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 8:30 pm

Lorna,

It looked like a good e-mail to me and I would think most of us here would
respond to help you through this period. I sure hope that your friends
respond kindly and in helpful ways.

I am so sorry that I don't have a way or suggestion to help you with a therapist or counselor. Our insurance dropped mental health this year.
I went to an hour every other week and was able to do that because I
finally have been doing better. This still has contributed to a part of
our money problems. Maybe someone else here knows of programs
or something else to get you free or reduced cost short term help.
From all I have read from you, I doubt that you would need extended
help, such as I.

The stess reducing exercizes and new ways of attacking everyday stress
have worked better and better for me. I am not stress free and never
will be, but it is overall becoming more manageable.

Most self help books have been ineffective for me, but you may know
already I've been in bad shape all my life. It is a wonder I never got the
nerve to kill myself long ago. I have had multiple major mind problems.

Does someone on the Forum know of a good effective book on stress
control? Come on people, someone give Lorna an idea.

Your friend,
Kersten