" What a fool believes..."

[Lisbeth]

. I haven't posted in quite some time for a bunch of reasons. My world has been knocked on it's backside and I'm still trying to come to terms with the way things have become. My wife, who has been so supportive and accepting, ( Buying me a wig for our anniversary, 3 pr. of shoes, panties, jeans and a really nice denim skirt, doing my make-up and nails for me, etc. ) since going out with me and her daughter to the mall on halloween ( I was totally en femme ), taking pictures and videos of me in the park, has now figured out that the whole "thing" freaks her out.
. We've been taking baby steps all along and talking about it costantly. I truly believed that everything was fine with her. I think even she thought it was okay. We had even planned our trip to the mall on halloween because it would be safer. It is, after all just a costume. She worries ( too much) about my being hurt while dressed by some of the "great unwashed", people that just don't tolerate this sort of thing.
. The big turn around came after our outing at the mall. We all walked in together with my slightly ahead of them so they could watch how other people were reacting to Lisbeth. I thought I was doing pretty well and so did they. I was on cloud nine! After we had walked a little my wife wanted to sit so her daughter (K) and I continued on. We were looking at dresses and shoes and I was so happy to be out and about in public.
. Well, I guess I wasn't quite as pretty as I felt. As we were walking past some shops a man going the other way said, as he was passing me, " I hope that's a costume". "K" heard him and she is very protective of me, much like her mom. I thought she was going to stab the guy. She was so worried that he would have hurt me with his comments. Gotta love that kid. I wasn't upset about it at all. My honest first reaction when he said it was " Needs work". Besides, I know that I passed with a bunch people in hour and a half that we were there. As far as I'm concerned it was a successful mission. I got out in public with the two people I love and chose to share this part of me with. I felt terrific!
. Now I feel like we're back to square one again. She said that she couldn't handle seeing me all "dolled up" so we're compromising. I only get dressed on Monday and she watches "Dancing with the Stars".
. Anyway, that's a major part of my world right now. It seems like everyday is a new set of rules but I never seem to be able to get new rule book. She has since calmed down a little and her therapist is really helping her with it all. We both have sat down together with the therapist and that helps her to open up and be more honest and not so freaked by it all.
. That's all for now. I'm tired beyond resonable thought right now. I also have a problem with being "outed" against my wishes and what I was promised but that's another post. Tomorrow's another day.

Nite all,
Lisbeth

[Andi L]

Dear Lisbeth,

I'm so sorry for the unfortunate turn of events in your life. Your wife probably has had some issues that never surfaced before and your trip to the mall just overwhelmed her and they spilled out. My wife too had a sudden and complete reversal of tolerance two years after we were married (she knew about me early on) and she has never given me any substantial reason for it. She just doesn't want to talk about it although I've approached the subject many times in the intervening years. I hope someday your wife will tell you what's really bothering her and you can then work through it. Thinking about you.

[KimberlyS]

Lisbeth, Good to see you here again. I would not say you are a fool. You are a couple in the process of finding out where this part of you fits within your marriage. It sounds like it is still in the works as she still allows you a dressing time, you both are still talking about it, and she has found outside professional help, that is helping her work through it also.

CDing and many other things within a marriage need to be worked through on how they fit within a marriage. It is just CDing has high societal hits against it especially more with the older generations.

I do understand your feeling of being taken back by the change in from how your wife seems to be dealing with it ok and suddenly it is the other way. My wife has done her share of flip flops with CDing. My wife and I are also actively working on where this fits within our marriage . A couple of months back my wife and I spent three days out and about with me enfemme. We went to a movie, shopped for things for our house, for clothes, for antiques, and for other things. We shopped for clothes for my wife and for myself. We ate meals out breakfast, lunch and supper for 3 days. I worked hard at doing things she and both of us liked to do. My wife seemed fairly comfortable being out with me enfemme. When we got home and talked about our time my wife stated that while she did feel more comfortable being out she did not enjoy the time with me enfemme and she only did it for me as she got nothing out of it. She has made similar comments on other things since then.

It is like our wifes are trying but like us going through self acceptance, they are also through their own self acceptance of our CDing. They are feeling their way around often like we are. We just often have a head start in the process and we are the ones with the internal feelings. Most of us CDer have a hard enough time understanding this part of us. Our wifes are trying to understand and wrap their heads around our CDing with out the feelings we have and usually with an up bringing and past that is against it along with most of society not understanding it.

My wife has accepted that this is part of who I am and that is it. My wife and I have come a long way with many ups and downs to get to this point where we are at. I do not think my wife will ever like my CDing. I just hope she can continue to tolerate it in some way. Some days seem a lot better than others.

I know my road has been and still is a bumpy road. Even tonight my wife lashed out at my CDing. About 5 years ago I asked my wife for some type or level of tolerance. And we are still figuring out what and where that tolerance is. Like you, I think many of us travel down constantly changing roads.

I wish you the best of luck going down your road and hope you can find some more smooth spots.


KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt

[DonnaT]

Sorry to hear that Lisbeth.

Welcome aboard the CDing rollercoaster.

I reckon it feels like starting all over again when (some of) our wives degree of acceptance/toleramce seems to do a 180.

That's where the baby steps come into play, again. As long as we don't get pushy, the smooth part of the ride can be reached again.

My wife can't handle seeing me all dolled up, so, at home I don't wear makeup or my wig. That way she just sees her husband, not Donna, in a skirt.

[Carol Ann]

Hi Lisbeth,
Girl can I relate to the set back, my wife has come to turns with it but I know down deep she doesn't like it. When I dolled up and went out and passed with flying colors she became very upset. Some times I believe thats why she doesn't want me to go public any more. Truth is I believe she doesn't like seeing me as a women out in public, but around the house she could care less. Don't figured????

[Sally]

Hi Lisbeth,

Believe me, there's never any fools in these situations, and I believe it to be not an uncommon occurrence with many wives. It may be best to go back to square one so to speak and give her time to adjust again. I’ve seen it many times where the wife has been quite ok with her hubby being ‘herself’ around the house, and the wife gets to the stage where she honestly believes in herself that she’ll be ok with him stepping out in public as ‘her’, but when the time comes it’s more than the wife can comfortably deal with, and she withdraws from the whole situation.

I’ve seen some wives eventually come to terms with it much better, and others who have never been able to deal with the ‘public appearances’ comfortably, and for some it can be damaging in the longer term to persist with trying to have the wife come to terms with it. It's more a trial and see situation, and needing to give things time to settle and never forcing the issue, after all, we must understand that our wives and indeed all those people not of our ilk, have absolutely no idea ( and never will) of the needs and force inside which drives us to do what we do, and nothing we will ever be able to do or say will ever enable them to 'see it from our side'.

Sometimes we may have to see things as they really are and not how we’d like them to be. Sometimes we have to accept and realize that other people are no different to us in the fact that there are some things they can accept, and some things they will never be able to accept. It’s then up to us to find other alternatives to gain the life satisfaction we need, and we need to do this without having a detrimental effect on those people we love and hold so dear to our heart. Life does indeed build barriers in society, and it exports those barriers to varying members of society, and those barriers are either consciously or sometimes unconsciously conveyed back in the form of peoples attitudes, and sometimes those attitudes are permanently and firmly entrenched in peoples personalities and being. That is the way it is and always will be for them, even though because of their deep love and attachment for us, they try their hardest to give us more support than they normally would anyone else. This is not always a bad thing, because as human beings we’re all different and we have to accept that there are things in life which we like and accept, but other people will never be able to, and that doesn’t indicate that they're mean people, it’s just the way it is, and they may be hurting inside more than we know, because they may feel they have failed us.

It’s not an easy situation, and my view would be not to suggest to your wife any more outings in public for the time being, and give her as much time as she needs to ‘recover’ herself, and reassess the situation maybe next year. I can still recall my initial times out with my wife and they weren’t easy for her and it’s taken many years for her to adopt a ‘devil may care’ attitude with it all.

I wish you and your family well with it and always remember that talk is paramount, unless everyone knows exactly and honestly what others’ attitudes and thinking is, then it’s only guesswork, and then people form their own ideas and opinions, which invariably are the wrong ones.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Lisbeth]

I just want to thank all you Ladies. It's comforting to know that I'm not the first one to come across these little "speed bumps". I realize that this is very hard for her and I honestly do not push her beyond her comfort zone. It just feels like she doesn't want to even try to understand sometimes and I get really frustrated with the whole situation.

. I also mentioned about being "outed" aganst my wishes and contrary to what I was promised. I also know that it's probably inevitable. I kept my secret for 50 plus years and outside of a couple of shrinks I never told a soul. I came out to my wife and she promised to never tell anyone else. She then told her daughter (Almost immediatly) and continued to swear that she hadn't told anyone. Well, when I decided to tell 'K" she told me she already knew everything. She also promised not to ever tell anyone especially her boyfriend. He is a very macho kinda guy of Cuban heritage and we both agreed that he would never get it. Well, you guessed it. Now he knows and has for months! I wasn't really thrilled about another promise broken but I do understand how it was almost a sure thing to happen.
. Now I'm just a little bit paranoid. Thanksgiving brought my brother in law from Mass. down for dinner and I can't help but have a nagging feeling that he's been let in on it too. My step daughter has been acting a little differently since he left and some of the comments he made make me wonder if I've been hung out to dry again. I'm afraid to ask her if she did. I don't know which answer would cause more damage. If I ask her and she says she told him I'll be very hurt and I think our relationship will change for the worse because of it. If I ask her and the answer is no then she will probably be upset that I don't trust her. Frankly, I don't think I can trust anybody anymore anyway. So far they don't really have a great track record in the trust department.
. Well that's enough bitchin 'n' moanin out of me. I'm just tired and cranky now. Tomorrow we go to the therapist. She is really up to speed with CDing and I feel like she is sort of on my "side". She understands much more than the other therapists I've known and hat in itself is comforting.
. Again, thank you all for your input and support. Since I found this forum I no longer feel so alone. I get a lot of strength from all of you and that's more than I ever thought was possible growing up. Bless you all.

Love,
Lisbeth

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Lisbeth -

I'm sorry to hear that your SO seems to have hit a speed bump, but it's not unexpected, either.

What really does bother me is the fact that not only your step-daughter but, most importantly, your SO, both broke their promises to you . . . sorry, but there's no absolutely excuse for that at all.

It's up to you, the CD, to decide whether or not to let anyone else know about your being a CD. Family and/or friends do not have the right to make that decision for you, especially when (1) they made promises to you, and (2) they have not been given permission by you to make the information 'public.'

I think that your SO, step-daughter, and you all need to have a heart-to-heart talk about this, and soon. You have a right to know why they felt the need to break their promises, exactly who they have 'outed' you to, and to know when they did 'out' you.

While I firmly believe that the CD has a duty and obligation to let their SO know about them being a CD, I also believe that a promise made is a promise to be kept . . . by all parties involved.

Good luck, hon!!

- SL