Lawyer Jokes

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 7:41 pm

MY DINNER PARTY was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. "In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money." I cringed. "The lawyers!" he shouted.
There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States " by Jane Ghegan

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:05 am

Incredible!!! No one has any lawyer jokes for this thread? None at all? Really? Guhooollllllllleeeee! (Gomer Pyle accent, of course)

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:07 am

A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going
for $20 per ounce and engineers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And then there were lawyers' brains which were currently fetching $1000 per ounce.

"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?"

"Well" she explained, "It takes more lawyers to get an ounce of brains."

Caith · Post by **Caith** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 6:48 pm

How about the doctor, preacher, and lawyer stranded in a boat surrounded by man-eating sharks all around, with no paddle or motor? The preacher prayed for salvation and attempted to swim to shore. The sharks devoured him immediately. The doctor thought the sharks would be full from eating the preacher and attempted to swim to shore. Nope, they ate him, too. Finally, the lawyer stood up in the boat and whistled loudly. The sharks all lined up side-by-side, allowing the lawyer to walk across their backs to shore. Why?

.

.

.

Professional courtesy.

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:13 pm

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:08 pm

Three surgeons were discussing recent surgeries that they had performed.
The first surgeon said he had just performed one of the easiest ones ever, it was on an accountant......... seems all the parts were numbered!
Second surgeon says, "that's nuttin! I just recently did a mechanical engineer. Not only were the parts numbered they were color-coded!"

They both turned to the third surgeon awaiting his input! "Well" he started, "It's kind of embarrassing! I just did an attorney! Seems there are only two parts, ---------- mouth and pot hole --------- and they are interchangeable!"

submitted by me!

TerriLynn · Post by **TerriLynn** » Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:29 pm

Waht have you got if you have 100 lawyers buried up to their chins in the beach?

Not enouigh sand.

Carol Elizabeth · Post by **Carol Elizabeth** » Fri Feb 15, 2008 8:44 am

It's time to quit picking on lawyers.

After all it's 99 percent of the lawyers that give the rest a bad name.

CE

ErinKaas · Post by **ErinKaas** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:55 pm

An architect fell off scaffolding and died. He finds himself at the gates of hell.
As the demon is greeting him the guy goes "Well this wall around the place looks horrible, I am not stepping foot in until I can fix this...
The demon figures the guy has eternity there anyways so the guy is permitted to fix it. Months later, it looks brand new. Satan sees it and goes "I like it! What else can you fix....?"
SO as years go by, the guy fixes many things in hell. the prisons, Satan's castle...,
One day God calls to tell Satan that there is a soul in hell that belongs in heaven, it was the archetect. Satan says "Sorry God, this guy is turning this place into a nice place to spend eternity, he is staying with me..."
God is like "Oh yeah, you either return him this second or I will sue for his soul and other damages!"
Satan has a good laugh and says "Yeah sure you will God, and just where are YOU going to find an attorney?"

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri May 02, 2008 6:57 am

A very old one:

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute won't screw you if you're dead.

Absaroka

Kandis · Post by **Kandis** » Fri May 02, 2008 8:47 am

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying to you?

His lips are moving.

Connie · Post by **Connie** » Fri May 02, 2008 9:45 pm

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying to you?

She's breathing!

Tracy W · Post by **Tracy W** » Sat May 03, 2008 9:18 pm

An old wealthy man was on his death bed. His sons, a doctor, a politician, and a lawyer, were called to his side. He gave them each a envelope.
He instructed to them that they were to place the envelopes in his casket when he died. Each envelop contained $100,000. He said he wanted alittle with him just in case he needed it in the after life.

A few days later at the funeral, the brothers stood by each other as their father was buried. The doctor was the first to speak.

"I am a bad son. I kept $20,000 for myself."

'Thats OK" said the politician. "I'm a bad son also. I kept $50,000 for myself."

"I am ashamed of both of you!" said the lawyer. "I put a check in there for the whole amount!"

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat May 03, 2008 10:21 pm

What do you call five hundred lawyers are the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What's the difference between a Sucker fish and a lawyer? One is a bottom feeding scum sucker, the other is a fish.

Kind Regards,
Elizabeth

CJ · Post by CJ » Sun May 04, 2008 1:12 am

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.