New Phone Menu at the Mental Health Clinic

[TerriLynn]

"Hello, and thank you for calling The Mental Health Clinic. To better serve you, please use the following menu options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly,

If you have multiple personalities, please press 2, 3, or 4.

If you suffer post traumatic stress disorder, please press 5 v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.

If you are dislexic, please press 6, then press 9, then press 6 again, then press 9, then press 6.....

If you are delusional, please press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you suffer short term memory loss, please press 8. If you suffer short term memory loss, please press 8. If you suffer short term memory loss, please press 8.

If you suffer delusional-schizophrenia, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you suffer a nervous disorder, please fidget with the '#' symbol until an operator comes on line.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press a number for you.

If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers, as no one will be able to help you anyway.

If you are paranoid, you don't need to press any button. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all of our operstors are too busy to talk to you.

If you are anal-retentive, please submit, in writing, any syntax/pronunciation errors we have made, in triplicate, by registered letter, through the U.S. Mail

For English, please press '0'.