The Butterfly, Not Being Born, Hurts.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Yesterday morning, I spent a couple of hours at the Botanical Gardens with one of my clients to go see the Butterflies Are Free "exhibit." The sun shone through the greenhouse panes and through the netting in the vents, illuminating Monarchs, Morphos, Atlases, and a myriad other species of velvet-winged critters as they flitted about (and occasionally landed on our heads or on our brows). It was beautiful to see all these butterflies so free.

Summer is knocking on the door; it's hot outside and the sun is bright. People are emerging from the coccoon of their bulky winter clothes. The women, especially, are beautiful: from the sun-drenched skin of their bare calves, thighs, and arms to the smart, colorful, and sexy cut and style of the clothes they wear, women exude allure and appeal... not necessarily (or just) sex appeal but the appeal and allure of confident femininity. In a city buried in snow for so many months, it's a yearly ritual: the butterflies are born.

I, on the other hand, am a butterfly powerless to be born. The butterfly, not being born, hurts. I watch a woman--a stranger in the crowd--walk by, her heels clicking on the concrete, the hem of her skirt swaying to the music of her hips and buttocks, her luxurious hair glinting in the sunshine, her pert breasts boucing slightly beneath her filmy blouse, a delicate hint of perfume trailing behind her, and I cannot help but feel--feel, deep down where my feelings matter most to me and to no one else: if ever the butterfly that I am were to be born, it would have that shape, that colour, and, especially, that unselfconscious lightness of being.

Then I think: maybe I'm not a butterfly, after all. Maybe I'm a turtle. Or a platypus or a gorilla or a humpback whale. Not a butterfly. But my soul is crying out that I am.

I am.

I'm condemned to live out my days in a coccoon or in a chrysalis... a pocket of living tissue, sealed, never allowing the sunshine to touch what lives within... a thing drowning in its own silent and invisible tears.

This is what it feels like to be transgendered. Spread the word. And then, if you can, spread your wings.

Love,
CJ

[Caith]

Bless you, CJ.

It's far too late for me (maybe you too, I don't know) to make the changes we've always wished for ourselves. But where I take a glimmer of hope and a few large buckets of satisfaction is seeing other teenage people who aren't afraid to speak up and make the changes for themselves. I posted a couple of news items a few weeks ago, regarding groups in the medical community and their emerging views of helping transgender youth. I've recently seen beautiful young butterflies on YouTube doing what I so deeply wished I could do, so many years ago. It gives me immense satisfaction to see these young caterpillars spinning their cocoons early enough to make significant changes in their lives. I hope more young caterpillars who yearn for beautiful wings will learn they can do this, if they truly desire it.

PM for more details, if you're interested.

[Jeannie]

Hi CJ
You are a butterfly you turkey! You are something else CJ. I like you no matter what they say about you!
I think people like us are sentenced to a life in solitary confinement. You can bang your head against the wall or make your own fun. That's what I do now.
Remember what Charlie Chaplin said CJ"In the end,everything is a gag."Enjoy your weekend Hon and spread your wings. Hugs.


Love
Jeannie

PS.I wonder if Hillary wears boxers or briefs under her pants suits?If she is elected President and the phone rings in the White House at 3am you will hear "Hi! This is Bill! Hillary is asleep. What's the problem?"

[Virginia]

I repeat: "at first we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face."

I can only guess at the good that you do for your clients. I know from whence you come and your background, well some of it.

What I do know is the good that you do for us on this "Island in the Stream." I contend that you are a, how shall I put this? How about you are our "Mystic butterfly." You are born in our lives, the lives that you touch, not only through your vocation, but the lives that you touch here. We need your "touch" as much and perhaps even more than a lot of your clients do and you seem to always meet our expectations.

No, you may not always show the world your physical beauty, but you sure show us your inner beauty and for that many of us will be forever in your debt and grateful for having had the opportunity to have shared with you.

Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up!!!! CJ our "Mystic Butterfly!" You are born, dear, and adding beauty to our lives!!

Love you,

Virginia

[SilverLady(SO)]

Ah, CJ, yes, you are truly a Mystic Butterfly, and I am honored to also call you one of my Best Friends.

Remember our lengthy chats, hon . . . I need say nothing more than that, and our phone line is always open to you!!

Lots of love and hugs, CJ!

- SL

[Kay]

Dear CJ
Here I sit in drab at the office 'chained' to my desk and surrounded by a bunch of people whio will never know you, or the rest of the wondeful people here. Their loss!!!!
Love
Kay

[Frances Jewell]

CJ,

I have not been here long enough to know you very well and I certainly could never be able to offer advice, but from what I have read you are a very wonderful person and I have thought over these few days a person that I would would truly enjoy having as a friend. Your wit is immense and your advice to others has been incredible. So if I can offer nothing else, you have many many friends who love you and many more who are enjoying getting to know you. I know for one thing I am a better person for it.

Love

Fran

[CJ]

Hi all,

Thanks so much for your replies.

Reading over what I wrote last night, I realize it may sound a little whiny or depressing but I meant neither. I think I just had a springtime pang, seeing all those seemingly carefree young women flitting about like butterflies (and, yes, I include my SO, Roxanne, in that group).

It's a pang of yearning for what I suspect can never be possible in my own lifetime. But it is just a pang, nonetheless. Life goes on. I do, in fact, possess a certain lightness of being in my own peculiar way, I guess. So do many of you here.

Mystic butterfly, eh? I like that. Sounds like an attributed "totem" from my Boy Scout days (in reality, mine was "Agile Bear"--not very feminine, n'est-ce pas? ).

Thanks for being there, folks. You all matter to me, too. Very much.

Love,
CJ

[Absaroka]

This doesn't have anything to do with gender for me. But I find the effects of age, specifically the limitations on physical activity, to make me feel less like a butterfly and more like a prisoner in my own body all the time. Although the feelings are real I also know that they are not facts. My spirit need not be limited by the physical, even though I may need to grieve the loss of some types of phyiscal freedom.

It was suggested to me by someone who's opinion I respect greatly that the key to this is gratitude. When I take a walk around the block on a beautiful spring day, like yesterday, enjoy it and give gratitude for it rather than bemoaning the fact that it's not an all day journey in the mountains. So far today it seems to be working although the day is young. Maybe these thoughts can be translated to issues of gender as well.

Absaroka

[CJ]

Hi all,

Absaroka,

I agree. Gratitude is the key. After all, it's preferable to be something rather than nothing, it seems to me. That I'm still here, some 46 years later, points to the fact that, deep down, I must be grateful for something. Still, the full-force witnessing of what I can never be wears me down, occasionally.

This afternoon, I'm taking a group of clients who are part of our "walking group" for a tour of some of the east end markets and promenades. Yes, it'll be a great day, "forlorn butterfly pangs" or no.

Love,
CJ

[KimberlyS]

CJ do you feel there is only one way to be who you are as a CD/TG person? I know I felt like that when my wife and I were beginning to work through the CDing issues. My wife and I talked, we talked more than we ever had about our feelings on the subject. I could not do without and needed something. She did not know what she could handle and be acceptable around the kids around others. We began a process of trying things. Under dressing was acceptable as long as it could not been seen in any way. We discussed some things before hand, others I brought home. Any thing new went through a can it be seen, shape of it been seen through what I was wearing over. Some things worked and others did not. Most bras were more bulky and harder to hide. But many femme tank tops and tank/bra tops were ok. Cami tops are similar to bras and do not usually work. I learned to dress in layers. Some days I wore no femme items others one or more. And yet other days I seemed to need more. We added androgenyous femme outer wear and interestingly some fairly feminine male wear, some of which looked much like some of the androgenyous femme wear. Some things worked, some did not. And some did not pass my wife view of being too feminine to wear and be seen in. Today most days I wear a mix of male and femme wear still presenting my male self. But some times I need more and we work out a time for both my wife and I to get out of town for some more feminine out and about time. Other times she takes the kids some where for the night, a day, or the whole weekend and I can have some guy wearing feminine looking clothes time around the house time. She has gotten good at when one kid has been asked to sleep over some where she finds a place for the other one. And other times I just take a night or a day and get some out and about femme time on my own or with a friend. For a while it helped me to have femme time scheduled so I did not have the constant when will my next time be. But now that we have things worked through a bit more it is not as big of a deal for me to come home and need more feminine time and we some how work some in with in a short time or even that night or the next day.

It was and still is a process of trying things and seeing what worked for the both of us. It is a lot of communication and talking about things. It is about us CD/TG's opening up and talking about what we feel and our wifes and SO's being comfortable with saying no, or being ok with trying something and being able to discuss feelings afterwards. It is about us being able to back off when needed when asked or better yet when we notice. It is about the willing of the both of you to come up with and try new and different things. And it is really about not having a lot of boundaries and rules, but instead open communication and trust. It is about each other seeing things from the others point of view. It is about compromise and being happy with you have instead of sad over what you do not have. It is about a relationship that works with good open communication with respect for each other and making each other happy.

I use to get the unhappy "you are wearing something" look from my wife. Now she usually just smiles. She seems content with me wearing my daily mix of attire, and I do not flaunt it in front of her. It was a process and always will be. But it is now working for us. To me I guess it came down to what do I really need out of my CDing and what was extra for me in conjunction with what could my wife deal with most of the time and at times what extra could she deal with. What is interesting is now at times my wife is telling me I need some femme time or has worked out some femme time for me. Not bad for someone that does not like my CDing.

Good Luck, hopefully some of my ramblings will help you or someone else. If someone wants more details on things we tried PM me.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

[DonnaT]

Like the butterfly, for some, we live and display our beauty for a short while, but unlike the butterfly, instead of dying, we return to the chrysalis stage to rest and emerge again another day.

[Frances Jewell]

Well put Donna certainly a pleasant thought. Or like the flower that closes at night only to reopen in the birth of a new dawn.

Fran

[Amelie-Laveau]

Like the butterfly, for some, we live and display our beauty for a short while, but unlike the butterfly, instead of dying, we return to the chrysalis stage to rest and emerge again another day.

So, in a way, we are like that cicada that only appears once every 17 years or so. lol

I don't know what to say,, I don't let how other women dress bother me. They usually don't dress like me anyway and I usually have no desire to look like most females, so when I see a woman, I usually think,,,, eh?

PS-Unless she has big knockers,, I want big boobies.

[Absaroka]

I like the idea that we are cicadas. They are one of my favorite sounds of the summer.

Absaroka