My Scrambled Thoughts

[Jennifer M]

I wasnt sure if this belongs as a reply to CJ's butterfly thread or not.I sympathize with CJ and everyone else going thru similar situations.

As I sit here looking at the girl things mixed in the room with the boy things I have so many more questions than I know there are answers for.I find I really want the fem side of me to disappear forever.

I wish I could see this as the gift that I know deep down it really is,but I cant.My life has been full of tension,despair and frustration because of the way I am.I envy the few that are able to accept the gift without question.My life has been a constant internal struggle.One side aching to be free,the other just wanting to be just the one gender,to fit in on a daily basis.

If I am specail,why cant others see it ?I have tried ,I have opened myself up on more than one occasion to be greeted with ignorance and fear.I have tried to educate and talk to these people only to have them turn their backs on me.If this is a choice I made why cant I stop ?If its not a choice why cant someone find the answer to why some people are two spirited ?I know we are not supposed to ask why,and just accept this.I cant do that right now.I feel a need to know why.

I want to be loved,but I know that cant happen.Yes ,there are a few exceptions and I am very happy for those few.I have come to see that love is fully accepting someone as they are.I now understand all the storybooks when they say that true love is rare.I cant help but feeling that everyone deserves this.I know I may be wrong or that I am just upset,this is just how I have been feeling,mostly since the divorce.

Last Friday at work I was injured,twelve stitches and a big scar across my nose.It hasnt brought on these feelings,but it has intensified them greatly.I want to purge so badly,to never deal with any of this again,just like so many S.O's would like.Unlike them I will never be free of this,I will never have answers and I will never be accepted by society.It is making getting up in the morning more difficult.I know from first hand experience that suicide is not the answer.Therapists only seem to be intrested in my money and not me.I wish I had answers,I could use a few right now.Instead I will go take the snow tires of my car(finally) and go for a long ride,that always makes me feel better.

[Caith]

Jennifer: Have any of the therapists you've visited specialized in gender dysphoria? If not, that could be why you've not found them satisfactory. Do you now or have you ever been diagnosed with depression of any kind? Gender dysphoria and clinical or situational depression often go hand-in-hand. In these cases, anti-depressant medications can help significantly. They're not 'happy pills' but they can certainly help keep you out of the depths of despair.

I'm no doctor and I'm certainly not a therapist. But I've experienced similar feelings in my life. I visited a few therapists who weren't worth a single cent. I swore off them for many years. Then I found one who was truly interested in talking with both sides of me. It made a world of difference in my life.

I hope you get through this difficult time without purging. I really hope your injury heals well and doesn't significantly affect your appearance. I wish you peace of mind and comfort right now.

Above all else, love yourself.

[Danielle La Belle]

Hello Jennifer:

Let me first approach this thread with care. What I cannot know for certain is your position on this subject. Is it one that is expressing concern over one’s mental health or perhaps just some form of doubt that creeps in on all of us at various times. Only you can really answer that question.

I am going to presume (yikes) that it is just doubt. First and foremost, consider that the state of “love” has been compared to someone using drugs to get high. That’s right! After all, all states of emotion are just that. Chemical states of the brain at any given moment in time. Love, anger, hate, trust, distrust, etc., etc. All chemical states of the human brain. By and large, they do not exist as a physical entity. Not like a car, a ball, a horse etc., etc.

So, with the idea in mind, your desire for love should start first with love for oneself. Total self-esteem and acceptance of one’s self is undeniably the best elixir that one can consume. It is the tonic of life! The measure of happiness that we all seek.

First we must appreciate that for the most part, our Creator has blessed us with a multitude of options and thinking processes that lead to any number of feelings, positive or negative. When we choose those negative feelings, we are exercising our God given right to feel that way. God, creator, etc. Pick your own concept and then apply it, even just nature is fine.

You must take a stand for yourself and decide, how is this working for me? Oh my, I am sounding like that Dr. Phil guy! Sorry! But, it is really true isn’t it! How is it working for you? Are you happy? Are you sad? Do you feel out of control? Does it interfere with your personal happiness?

Do not look for the convoluted answers of all time and space. Look at how you are living right now. If you do not like the current results, then it may be time to take another tact. To change your direction. To reconsider what it is that you do.

When the spouse tells me she is going out for awhile, I do not run and change my clothes. I do not seek to entertain myself in female form as such. Why? Because to me it is a state of mind and I choose to dress or not dress as a matter of how I feel in the moment. Living alone permits you the tremendous freedom to express yourself at will without guilt. WOW!

So perhaps, as I have told my SIL that has been married and divorced 4 times, perhaps it is time take stock in living alone for a time. No one to grab the channel changer, or dictate what you wear around the house or when it is time to do the chores. Freedom to decide what, when, where and how! Freedom from the demands of your particular birth gender. Freedom to identify with your own feelings and not those of another just to suit them!

A great time to consider all that you know and have learned over a lifetime. No hurry, no need to decide anything right now. Just live in the day. Live in the moment! Let the elephants of worry pass you by for a time!


Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Amelie-Laveau]

That’s really strange Jennifer, I didn’t know that cars still use snow tires.

OK, first off, I’m sorry bout the accident with the stitches and all. This can put a damper on things especially the dressing up stuff.

Second, DON”T PURGE!, this will just cost you money when you buy all the new clothes. Try to put your stuff in a place not easily reached by you.. Sort of hide it somewhere, this way you won’t see the clothes and stuff, but you will be able to get them at a later date.

About questions,, we all have questions, some questions we’ll never have the answer for and some questions, the answer will be NO. But it’s always good to have thoughts about yourself, only the insane don’t have questions about oneself, so, you’re not insane.

I don’t know if this helps, but a lot of cds look for inner acceptance of the fem side, so to speak. I don’t believe this to be quite correct. Most of us are firm with our belief that we have a fem side. What I feel that we should do, well some of us anyway, is to try and accept our male side. I sometimes feel that some are too wrapped up in the female emotional side of ourselves, that we get angry(?), maybe upset is better at our male selves. We wish so much to be females that our male side gets us down and I feel that maybe a better acceptance of our male selves would help in a way, not the accepting of our fem selves,, this is a given. That was just my thoughts,, it’s probably different in other parts of the galaxy.

We all have tough sh*t that we go through,, it’s not always about being transgender, there are other difficulties we all face in life and somehow we manage to pull ourselves through, as proof,, most of us are still here. If life was unbearable for the transgender, there would be les of us around,, maybe only the young would be here, but no, there are lots of us out there, we all pull through and fight for another day of happiness, it’s how we are, the transgender are a strong group of people.

Hope you get over this hill soon Jennifer,, we’ll be on the other side of the hill waiting for ya. And then you can wait here for others to climb that same hill.

[CJ]

with Amélie.

Jennifer,

Both Danielle and Amélie have each touched on an important matter. When Danielle says that what matters most is love for oneself, she's right. You realize this yourself. Of course, what's much tougher is to figure out how we can get to that point, especially in the face of a world (or society, or even spouse) that has not much love for who and what we are. It's very difficult to not see what we do and who we are as something inherently, well, bad. I often hear Christians, for example, talk about "loving the sinner, but not the sin" and then go on to say that what we do (and who we are) as crossdressers is a sin. Personally, I don't let that affect me too much because I find that such judgmental attitudes are more sinful than crossdressing.

Although I may not share Danielle's view that emotions are just chemical states in the brain (that's only one way to look at emotions, I believe), I do think she has a point when she emphasizes that (to pilfer Bible-speak), "as a man thinketh, so he is." If we view the world as a bad place, chances are the world will live up (or down) to our expectations of it. If, on the other hand, we view it as a universe of possibilities for personal growth, then chances are it will live up to those expectations as well. And the same thing is true of ourselves. Why wait for other people to love you? As Elizabeth, for instance, would be quick to point out, that other people don't love you is their problem (and their loss), not yours.

Rare are those who will love you unconditionally, Jennifer. Very rare. People are just too caught up in their own crap to care much about your yearning to be loved wholly, unconditionally. And there's nothing wrong, really, about being caught up in crap. We all are, to some extent. Even yourself. It all comes with the territory, with existing, with being human. But here's the secret: there always exists the possibility for at least one person to love you fully as you are... and that person is you, yourself. Don't worry as much about what others may think of you or feel about you as what you think of, or feel about, yourself. I know it's hard to do this, to say "yes" to life when it seems all those around you (or, even worse, when you, yourself) keep saying "no" to life. But there's a good reason many people will tell you that nothing worth gaining is easy; experience--lived experience--teaches us that suffering follows growth like a shadow. Moreover, it's also often the case that growth will follow suffering like a shadow. Just be open to the experience. Again, one way to do this is simply to accept. Accept that this is who you are, that this is how this fifteen-billion year old universe made you. That this is how it will have made you, fifteen billion years hence, when the droplet that you are will have long since returned to the ocean that gave you life. It's this acceptance of self that will lead you to love your self unconditionally. This, in turn, will free you to love others in the same way, to--as Amélie said--wait for others on the other side of the hill. There is more unconditional love in that one statement of Amélie's than I've heard in a very long time, from any source. Try to see, Jennifer, if you, yourself, can be the person waiting for yourself on the other side of the hill.

In the meantime, don't do anything rash. Don't purge. You'll only regret it later. Keep a clear mind, even though you may be confused right now. Going for a drive is an excellent idea. Do something that pleases you and does your soul some good. Come here to chat with us, your fellow travellers; our own lived experience allows us to feel your pain... and to be pillars of strength should you need to lean on something and rest your feet for a spell. Above all, be as tender and compassionate with yourself as you would have others be with you. We already are, where you're concerned. Now, you need to be so, too. For your own sake.

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

Here I sit, tears streaming down my face, tears of sadness and of joy!

I mean, we are love!!!! I read these responses to one of our sister's tribulations and think there is not a "shrink" anywhere who would understand better or give the love and understanding that you can get from "your sisters" here!

Jennifer, honey, stay with us!!! We will hold you hand through this, walk with you, talk with you! We love you, we care about you and you have to know we are here for you!

I know it will be difficult if not impossible to accept this, but do not give up on trying to understand, to learn, to accept who you are and to love yourself. I know you struggle with (my words) this "gift," but I hope you will grow to accept it for what it is. I am not as articulate as my sisters, but let me phrase it this way -- learn to work with Jennifer. She will help lead you to where she wants to be in your life. She can be a strength, an advocate a real help. She may even accept being repressed or suppressed for a while just to let you, "catch your breath" so to speak.

We are here for you, dear. The candle is lit and sitting in the window!!

Amelie, our streetwise philosopher! Wow did you give me something to think about, I think I may have been doing it subconsciously but to see it in writing, kinda puts a little different spin on it! Thanks, hon!

Love,

Virginia

[Anita]

Hi Jennifer—
There are so many good things being said in this thread! Other than CJ, we aren’t professional therapists, but at the same time, no one is pushing advice on you. It’s as if we’re all war vets, and we’ve shared common experiences ‘under fire.’ Just hearing about how others have handled that is beneficial, even if it’s not exactly what you’re going through.

I'm glad that you saw that suicide was not an answer, for yourself personally. Everyone has to answer that question for themselves. There are people around me who do consider suicide from time to time. I can only tell them my reasons for not being tempted to do so, but I'm not 'them.' It's good to hear from someone else (yourself) who has decided that this is not their path.

Amelie-Laveau wrote:

I don’t know if this helps, but a lot of cds look for inner acceptance of the fem side, so to speak. I don’t believe this to be quite correct. Most of us are firm with our belief that we have a fem side. What I feel that we should do, well some of us anyway, is to try and accept our male side.

This seems useful to me, and is easy for me to forget. I need to take time to buy my male self nice clothes, for instance. I have to pay attention to my needs as a man out in the world, because that’s the primary way I earn my living.

But here’s the contradiction. A gal at support group voiced it very well. She said, “All my gender problems and confusion tend to happen when I’m dressed male. I’m constantly thinking about gender then.”

Many of us nodded when she said that. She went on to say, “And when I’m dressed femme, I don’t think about gender problems. I’m just being me.”

Now, this particular view may not apply to you directly. You may NOT be happy or comfortable in femme mode right now. What I’m trying to say is that it’s the balance between them that allows me to appreciate both of them. I can support my male self better because I also get to spend time as a woman. If I try to stop either expression, I’m not comfortable or happy.

My life has been a constant internal struggle.One side aching to be free,the other just wanting to be just the one gender, to fit in on a daily basis.

I can see why you would want to be one gender, if you feel that it will help you to fit in. I ‘fit in’ as one gender for many years, and I appeared to be successful at it. If you haven’t had that experience, it might seem that any price would be worth getting it.

As much as I don’t like this, experience tells me that those of us with a dual nature can’t leave one self behind in a quest for acceptance. You, Jennifer, have opened up your dual nature. We don’t know why this happened, but it has. Once you become aware of both, then it’s a bit like having children—you’ve got to raise them and nuture them. You can’t abandon them without a lot of guilt and pain.

You might say , “But BEING Jennifer is a lot of guilt and pain,” and it may be true, at this point. She may be a problem child right now—maybe even going through adolescence or something. But she’s dependent on YOU, and if you abandon her, it would seem like the pain will only get worse. That is the story I get from hearing many of us talk, both here and in my world as a support group leader.

I know we are not supposed to ask why,and just accept this .I cant do that right now. I feel a need to know why.

I agree with you there. I had a need to know why, and I went after answers. I found some that satisfied me, and I continue to find them as I go along. Not all of them are comfortable for me, but at least I know what I’m dealing with. It’s not important what those answers were for me. I just know from talking to many of us that those answers are there. You will have to create a way to find them for yourself, and that is not always easy to do.

[DeeDee]

Jennifer
Those aren't scrambled thoughts at all. So many of us have been through the "thinking" mill and beat ourselves up. I do think that if I didn't have this side of me, that I could have been more intent, involved, and successful in life. By that I mean it has been a distraction that did affect my professional and social life, one that I had to come to terms with. Heck, we all know it doesn't go away and finally I just accepted it was a huge part of me, for better or worse. This is the most wonderful forum to share thoughts (as you have) and listen to the advice and experiences of many much wiser and more articulate than me. Do what you must, we all go through our "down" cycles, but stay with us I've said so many times that I thought I would never ever meet someone who liked me for who I am, but it did happen!!!! Remember, support groups are just that...support. They can be wonderful and opportunities to meet others like you and I. It opens a whole new world. But, keep the faith, you're not alone. And we're here for you
Hugs
DeeDee

[Jennifer M]

First off,Thank you all for the kind words and support,it truly is the only support I get.

I know without a doubt that I need both Jeff and Jennifer to survive,they just cant be seperated.I know I must go on.Its just the how of it I cant get.I realize self love is important but when your family turns their backs on you along with the few you thought you could count on it becomes a difficult thing to find.I feel that if my family cant love me then I must be unlovable.

Most of my self acceptance problems do come by when I am my male self.I cant figure this out or convey it correctly but when I am Jennifer I am a woman.At least that is what my mind is telling me.When I am my male self I am all male and as such I feel that it is wrong to pretend to be a woman.It is not often that I feel the two are intertwined.

Being bi gendered has mostly been a torment in my life,mainly because of how others have reacted.There have been a few times that it felt really awesome but not many.I truly feel that I dont matter to anyone in my life with the exception of this group.The only time my family will talk to me is when they want something done.They either dont care or they are just to small minded to try to care.That may sound cold,but it is how I feel,right or wrong

I dont believe that I am a bad person ,but the silence and lack of support from those I need it from the most make me feel like one.I am very confused.

[DeeDee]

Don't ever think that you're a bad person. You are a loving person, probably much more so than those that might cast stones. I had the same life, doing everything for family, helping, listening to problems while no one ever asked how I was doing. When I finally told my sister, and we were close before, she pretty much said "so?" and that it explained a bit why I was so caring. Gosh, thers nothing wrong at all expressing your feminine side, even if not presenting as such. Let it out because life is short and caring and loving yourself is so important. A favorite expresion of mine is "you can't help anyone til you help yourself first". I made that up, but I live by it. Is not selfish, but keeps me afloat.
Hugs
DeeDee

[Jennifer M]

I can only imagine that it would be better if just one person would stand by me.I do all I can for those I care about only to have them turn a cold shoulder to me.I am very close to purging.I keep telling myself I can do it this time.I will try not to,at least until my frame of mind improves.

[Absaroka]

Jennifer i didn't reply to this earlier because I couldn't think of much to say. I still can't. But I do want to say please hang in there.

I don't know what you should do in terms of expressing male vs. female or any of that. I guess it's something where everyone has the balance that is right for them and they have to figure it out. Hopefully it will. In the meantime please don't give up on yourself or the things that make you you.

Absaroka

[Rikki]

Jenn,
Do hang in there. "YOU" are NOT a bad person. You are who you are and in my opinion, we are truly exceptional people because of who we are. More sensitive, more caring. That's why you are so concerned about the others around you. The way we are does not hurt anyone else. It does not injure them, take their money or in any way violate any laws. For that reason you should feel OK with yourself for being "YOU".

I think I can understand a bit of your feelings: there are both sides of "Rikki" that I like and enjoy. The femme side and the guy side. Neither one wants to exist without the other. Together they make me who I am. That's what makes you special, both sides. Keep them both, enjoy them both.

All the best to you, Jenn, drop a line any time. Watch out for those darn blackflies!!
Rikki

[Lydia]

Jennifer --

Whatever you do DON'T PURGE. I guarantee, the urge will be back, and you'll wish you hadn't. Put the stuff in a bax, and out in the garage or attic.

As the philosopher Popeye said: "I Yam What I Yam, and Dass all I Yam."

Love & Hugs,

Lydia

[DonnaT]

Hi Jenniffer.

Purging will not change how others around you feel and act towards you. It may give you a sense of relief, but it will be a temporary one, because it is a false sense of relief.

I suggest not trying to get others to like you by doing things for them, if they can not show any kindness in return. Instead, try getting out as your true self and make other friends.