I would like others input on the following. How do you deal with the Who? What? and Why?
I know many if not most people here struggle with Who we are as a person?
Or What label do we give ourself as person?
Or Why are we like this?
I know I have personally struggled with those questions. And still do some at times. I did a lot of research into the human development process and the different affects on it. And while I have lots of theories, I have no definite answers. But I do have one answer.
Does it really matter who, what, why I am? NO
No it really does not matter. This was a turning point in my personal acceptance. It did not matter who I would be 5, 10, 20, 25+ years later. We all go through change. Life is change. I was currently me and why did I need to know who I would be later in life.
Labels are just ways for people to define things so they can relate and deal with things. I decided I was many things including a husband, a father, a neighbor, a co-worker, a home DIYer, a CD, a TG, a guy in femme clothes, and many many more things. No one thing defined who I was and more would be added as I go through life. I am a person of many labels.
And it does not really matter why I am, who I am, what I am. I just needed to accept I am me and just live my life. And I do not mean you need a detailed definition of yourself. Life is too short to waste time worrying about all that.
Your input. Your reflections. Your responses please. And not so much for me but for others that are asking these questions. How did you answer questions like these?
kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt
Who? What? Why?
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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KimberlyS
- Site Administrator
- Posts: 3341
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:01 pm
- Location: North Central USA, SD
Who? What? Why?
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
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Carol Ann
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3296
- Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 7:23 am
- Location: Southeast Missouri
Hi KimberlyS,
To tell the truth I am who I am, I have always wanted to be a girl since my mother caught me all dressed up one time on a Saturday.
I cry when she ask me why, and I told her I wished I was a girl. God love her as she didn't yell at me just hug me and gave me love.
My wife knew before we got married and believe it or not her and her sister pushed me even more to be me.
Life isn't just black and white and I have come to be just me, no who what or whys I am who I am Carol Ann.
To tell the truth I am who I am, I have always wanted to be a girl since my mother caught me all dressed up one time on a Saturday.
I cry when she ask me why, and I told her I wished I was a girl. God love her as she didn't yell at me just hug me and gave me love.
My wife knew before we got married and believe it or not her and her sister pushed me even more to be me.
Life isn't just black and white and I have come to be just me, no who what or whys I am who I am Carol Ann.
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Lydia
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 859
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:43 am
- Location: Sarasota, Florida
Hi Kim,
Thought provoking post. Brings up several points worth discussing.
One is:”labels”. Our human thought processes need labels - if nothing else a short-hand so that with a single word, we can express a complex of ideas or events. The perception or “semantic reaction” of the listener or reader may not match the definition or the meaning intended by the speaker or writer. A word like, say, “transvestite” has a simple, unambiguous definition, but the connotation to many implies a hint of sexual perversion. How one labels oneself is really arbitrary and a short-cut convenience. It is a useful tool in thinking and working out solutions to personal problems. Suppose, I call myself a “scrungenic ablavore.” I can define it any way I wish, but the problem comes if I try to communicate that label to the outside world. My point is that labels are useful, but no matter how clear one makes the definition, someone will see a different aspect and misunderstandings flow.
As for personal acceptance, my story is like that of many. Questioning: am I the only one like this? Am I basically gay? I went through years of feeling shame, fear, and guilt. I envy those who had sympathetic sisters, but I was an only child, and faced the problems alone. My wife of many years was barely tolerant, and avoided the problem, in spite of being a most beloved and devoted helpmate in other ways. My first encounters on the internet led to shemale porn sites, that I found disgusting and frightening. Am I like that?
After my wife died, I started dressing more, but only at home. Somehow, I managed to find my niche by myself. That’s what I was - whatever it was. I found that I could work at the computer, write, communicate, read, and enjoy my solitary life better if I were dressed en femme. It was only recently that I discovered this forum, and that opened my horizons immeasurably. I wish I had something like that to turn to a dozen years ago.
After a couple of years, I met my present SO (Paula). When our relationship started to get serious, I told her about my CD needs. I was hugely lucky. In short, she has accepted me completely. She admits that she does not understand “why”, and cannot conceive of anyone wearing a bra if they didn’t have to. On my part, I admit I don’t understand “why” either, but I need it and enjoy it. I have been “out” occasionally, but have to be careful locally. I find I am becoming a bit more confident each time.
I guess that you (Kim) and I are on about the same level in that CD continuum. We enjoy feminine feelings, but not in the “female trapped in a male body” condition. I am still the “scrungenic ablavore”, what are you?
I hope my ramblings go along with your post.
Hugs,
Lydia
Thought provoking post. Brings up several points worth discussing.
One is:”labels”. Our human thought processes need labels - if nothing else a short-hand so that with a single word, we can express a complex of ideas or events. The perception or “semantic reaction” of the listener or reader may not match the definition or the meaning intended by the speaker or writer. A word like, say, “transvestite” has a simple, unambiguous definition, but the connotation to many implies a hint of sexual perversion. How one labels oneself is really arbitrary and a short-cut convenience. It is a useful tool in thinking and working out solutions to personal problems. Suppose, I call myself a “scrungenic ablavore.” I can define it any way I wish, but the problem comes if I try to communicate that label to the outside world. My point is that labels are useful, but no matter how clear one makes the definition, someone will see a different aspect and misunderstandings flow.
As for personal acceptance, my story is like that of many. Questioning: am I the only one like this? Am I basically gay? I went through years of feeling shame, fear, and guilt. I envy those who had sympathetic sisters, but I was an only child, and faced the problems alone. My wife of many years was barely tolerant, and avoided the problem, in spite of being a most beloved and devoted helpmate in other ways. My first encounters on the internet led to shemale porn sites, that I found disgusting and frightening. Am I like that?
After my wife died, I started dressing more, but only at home. Somehow, I managed to find my niche by myself. That’s what I was - whatever it was. I found that I could work at the computer, write, communicate, read, and enjoy my solitary life better if I were dressed en femme. It was only recently that I discovered this forum, and that opened my horizons immeasurably. I wish I had something like that to turn to a dozen years ago.
After a couple of years, I met my present SO (Paula). When our relationship started to get serious, I told her about my CD needs. I was hugely lucky. In short, she has accepted me completely. She admits that she does not understand “why”, and cannot conceive of anyone wearing a bra if they didn’t have to. On my part, I admit I don’t understand “why” either, but I need it and enjoy it. I have been “out” occasionally, but have to be careful locally. I find I am becoming a bit more confident each time.
I guess that you (Kim) and I are on about the same level in that CD continuum. We enjoy feminine feelings, but not in the “female trapped in a male body” condition. I am still the “scrungenic ablavore”, what are you?
I hope my ramblings go along with your post.
Hugs,
Lydia
"There comes a time ... when you must grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation."
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
I've thought a lot about who, what and why I am over the years but not so much in terms of crossdressing.
What I've come to understand is that who I am is something indefinable but real. If you want to know who I am you will have to get to know me because it is beyond my ability to put into words.
What I am is a decent human being with flaws. Like most people. Everyone has flaws. There are a few folks out there who are not decent human beings but they are rare.
Sometimes I think things are flaws when they aren't. Like when I was younger I thought not being good at sports was a flaw. It's not, it's just something that is. Sometimes I don't like my flaws. Like I am somewhat self centered. Sometimes I wish I wasn't but it is usually for self centered reasons. Other times I am not self centered and don't really care about it.
In terms of manliness and my taste in clothes, it's two different issues much of the time. I sometimes wish I was more macho so that people would be afraid to disrespect me, wouldn't indulge in obscene gestures as they drive. I guess that is a fantasy instilled by society.
In terms of what I like to wear, sometimes I'm embarrassed about it, or afraid of people's reaction. So I keep it pretty private.
As to why I am the person I am, there are so many things to discuss that this would take forever. I guess you could say I am the person God allowed me to be. Which is either terribly profound or a non statement, depending on how you look at it.
As to why I like to wear womens clothes, I have a bunch of reasons which seem accurate to me. But truthfully I sometimes think a more interesting question is why so many men don't like to wear womens clothes. Because I don't understand that, even though I can give you all sorts of intellectual reasons.
Absaroka
What I've come to understand is that who I am is something indefinable but real. If you want to know who I am you will have to get to know me because it is beyond my ability to put into words.
What I am is a decent human being with flaws. Like most people. Everyone has flaws. There are a few folks out there who are not decent human beings but they are rare.
Sometimes I think things are flaws when they aren't. Like when I was younger I thought not being good at sports was a flaw. It's not, it's just something that is. Sometimes I don't like my flaws. Like I am somewhat self centered. Sometimes I wish I wasn't but it is usually for self centered reasons. Other times I am not self centered and don't really care about it.
In terms of manliness and my taste in clothes, it's two different issues much of the time. I sometimes wish I was more macho so that people would be afraid to disrespect me, wouldn't indulge in obscene gestures as they drive. I guess that is a fantasy instilled by society.
In terms of what I like to wear, sometimes I'm embarrassed about it, or afraid of people's reaction. So I keep it pretty private.
As to why I am the person I am, there are so many things to discuss that this would take forever. I guess you could say I am the person God allowed me to be. Which is either terribly profound or a non statement, depending on how you look at it.
As to why I like to wear womens clothes, I have a bunch of reasons which seem accurate to me. But truthfully I sometimes think a more interesting question is why so many men don't like to wear womens clothes. Because I don't understand that, even though I can give you all sorts of intellectual reasons.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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Rikki
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 810
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 11:25 pm
- Location: Northeast USA
You've all captured my personal feelings so well. Labels are just labels. We are such complex collections of feelings, beliefs, emotions, needs, loves, desires, and fears. All those ingredients thrown into a pot and stired for many years can make an interesting soup.
And as you've all said, if one can come to accepting the flavor of your life it can lead to lots of wonderful (some challenging) days ahead full of experiences that can only make our personal soup even more interesting.
It's only those persons who don't want to step out of their own comfort zone and take a sip of something different who might frown on us. Only my modest opinion, but as in cooking and art, spice and unique ingredients make life worth living.
Rikki
And as you've all said, if one can come to accepting the flavor of your life it can lead to lots of wonderful (some challenging) days ahead full of experiences that can only make our personal soup even more interesting.
It's only those persons who don't want to step out of their own comfort zone and take a sip of something different who might frown on us. Only my modest opinion, but as in cooking and art, spice and unique ingredients make life worth living.
Rikki
Be safe, Be frilled
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KimberlyS
- Site Administrator
- Posts: 3341
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:01 pm
- Location: North Central USA, SD
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
Re: Who? What? Why?
I am just me, and not defined by what I wear. I'm a husband, a father, a son, a Jack of all trades and an artist.KimberlyS wrote:I would like others input on the following. How do you deal with the Who? What? and Why?
I know many if not most people here struggle with Who we are as a person?
Or What label do we give ourself as person?
Or Why are we like this?
But if I needed to explain my attire to anyone I would say I'm transgendered, and like to crossdress.
Other than that, I don't see a need for a label except to enable others to know more about me.
I never worried about the 'why' until my wife started asking questions and continued to ask them. I found the answers (genetic predisposition and hormonal response prior to birth) that I was satisfied with, and after explaining them to her, she seems satisfied with them also. At least she doesn't ask why any more.
So, I don't ask myself the who, what and why questions, but I have answers ready in case someone else does ask, or needs an education.
DonnaT
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Donna, honey, I notice that you did not list "pool shark" under your list of
Jack of All Trades?" That's all right though we won't tell anyone else!
I do think that any of us who feels that they may be "approached" by anyone else, i.e., friend, foe, family, whoever, it would probably behove them to have some explanation that they are comfortable with at the ready at all times. I have heard of situations where, for example, shopping and as some of you have related, the SA asks, "is that for you?" and you answer either, "yes" or "no" but say you say "yes" and that peaks their curiosity as it will at times. She says, " wow, that is sooo cool! why do you do it?" or something to that affect. If you have time, you can possibly win someone over to our side with a brief, heartfelt explanation of who or what or why? (Boy Scout motto - BE PREPARED)
As for friends and family -- your kind of on your own there but being prepared with understanding gives you the upper hand, well unless you were married to a total idiot!!!! sorry 'bout that its another story!
Reading stuff by Katherine K. Wilson or Magnus Hirshfield (who coined the term "transvestite"). Know the history and the future of the DSM-IV relative to transgender interpretation. Dr. Rachael St. Claire of Boulder, Colorado. Lin Fraser, M.A./MFCC. A former member of this forum, Dr. Catherine Anderson "Anima, Crossdressing and Alchemy." And Carl Jung's "Anima Theory and How It Relates to Crossdressing" at
http.//ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/cathytg/anima.htm
There is a wealth of knowledge out there! My opinion - none of them know why, but they are trying to develop something for us.
Be Prepared and........................................
Go Forth Woman and BE~!
Virginia
Jack of All Trades?" That's all right though we won't tell anyone else!
I do think that any of us who feels that they may be "approached" by anyone else, i.e., friend, foe, family, whoever, it would probably behove them to have some explanation that they are comfortable with at the ready at all times. I have heard of situations where, for example, shopping and as some of you have related, the SA asks, "is that for you?" and you answer either, "yes" or "no" but say you say "yes" and that peaks their curiosity as it will at times. She says, " wow, that is sooo cool! why do you do it?" or something to that affect. If you have time, you can possibly win someone over to our side with a brief, heartfelt explanation of who or what or why? (Boy Scout motto - BE PREPARED)
As for friends and family -- your kind of on your own there but being prepared with understanding gives you the upper hand, well unless you were married to a total idiot!!!! sorry 'bout that its another story!
Reading stuff by Katherine K. Wilson or Magnus Hirshfield (who coined the term "transvestite"). Know the history and the future of the DSM-IV relative to transgender interpretation. Dr. Rachael St. Claire of Boulder, Colorado. Lin Fraser, M.A./MFCC. A former member of this forum, Dr. Catherine Anderson "Anima, Crossdressing and Alchemy." And Carl Jung's "Anima Theory and How It Relates to Crossdressing" at
http.//ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/cathytg/anima.htm
There is a wealth of knowledge out there! My opinion - none of them know why, but they are trying to develop something for us.
Be Prepared and........................................
Go Forth Woman and BE~!
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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KimberlyS
- Site Administrator
- Posts: 3341
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:01 pm
- Location: North Central USA, SD
Once again thank you and I love the responses.
Lydia, I agree we need labels and that some label can have multiple definitions or context. For me I guess I am always trying to think of simple and more specific labels to use. One I use often is:
Crossdresser, IE guy in a dress type.
More of a label with a short definition or clarification. And while I know may CDers do not think much of this type of label, I think for the general public it gives them a different view from the often aligned fetish, criminal, drag queen look, or just strange guy. So while my perception of the label may be one thing, hopefully it makes them think about their definition a bit more and hopefully wider.
Rikki, I like soup and love the analogy.
Donna, I so agree being able able to say you are transgendered or a crossdresser with confidence when some one asks can be key to others initial acceptance of who you are. IMHO it shows others you know and accept who you are and what it the problem with it having a positive attitude about it. Like they are missing out on something. I have also found it helpful having answers for others to basic questions that others may have. It again shows you know who you are and are comfortable with that. And gives us a chance to educate others even if it just may be a 10-60 second exchange of words.
I agree about being prepared. But also we do not need to know all. Just to be able to answer some basic questions like you said "Is it for you?". To know you will say "Yes it is for me" with an attitude of confidence and is there something wrong with that. And not to let a pause or double take by the other person to make you want to run. But just knowing in most cases they are just re-aligning their brains to what you said and the current view they have looking at you. If you are holding a skirt and are in male mode there were expecting to talk about your wife/SO. Then need to align skirt with you. My experience has been others acceptance begins with our personal acceptance of who we are and what we are doing.
Thank again for the comments and keep them coming. IMHO talking about how we deal with things is a lot of what a support forum is about. And I know there are a lot more ways of dealing than the few already given.
kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt
Carol Ann, to bad more of us could not have been comfortable about our selves like this.Carol Ann wrote:....To tell the truth I am who I am
Lydia, I agree we need labels and that some label can have multiple definitions or context. For me I guess I am always trying to think of simple and more specific labels to use. One I use often is:
Crossdresser, IE guy in a dress type.
More of a label with a short definition or clarification. And while I know may CDers do not think much of this type of label, I think for the general public it gives them a different view from the often aligned fetish, criminal, drag queen look, or just strange guy. So while my perception of the label may be one thing, hopefully it makes them think about their definition a bit more and hopefully wider.
Absaroka, I like this outlook and it is similar to mine.Absaroka wrote:What I am is a decent human being with flaws. Like most people. Everyone has flaws. ....Sometimes I think things are flaws when they aren't. Like when I was younger I thought not being good at sports was a flaw. It's not, it's just something that is.
Rikki, I like soup and love the analogy.
DonnaT wrote:... But if I needed to explain my attire to anyone I would say I'm transgendered, and like to crossdress.
Other than that, I don't see a need for a label except to enable others to know more about me.
....
So, I don't ask myself the who, what and why questions, but I have answers ready in case someone else does ask, or needs an education.
Donna, I so agree being able able to say you are transgendered or a crossdresser with confidence when some one asks can be key to others initial acceptance of who you are. IMHO it shows others you know and accept who you are and what it the problem with it having a positive attitude about it. Like they are missing out on something. I have also found it helpful having answers for others to basic questions that others may have. It again shows you know who you are and are comfortable with that. And gives us a chance to educate others even if it just may be a 10-60 second exchange of words.
Virginia, thats for the pool shark warning.Virginia wrote: ... being prepared with understanding gives you the upper hand ...
I agree about being prepared. But also we do not need to know all. Just to be able to answer some basic questions like you said "Is it for you?". To know you will say "Yes it is for me" with an attitude of confidence and is there something wrong with that. And not to let a pause or double take by the other person to make you want to run. But just knowing in most cases they are just re-aligning their brains to what you said and the current view they have looking at you. If you are holding a skirt and are in male mode there were expecting to talk about your wife/SO. Then need to align skirt with you. My experience has been others acceptance begins with our personal acceptance of who we are and what we are doing.Thank again for the comments and keep them coming. IMHO talking about how we deal with things is a lot of what a support forum is about. And I know there are a lot more ways of dealing than the few already given.
kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
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Frances Jewell
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 249
- Joined: Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:38 am
- Location: Upstate New York
I am a canvas and I like to express my creativity. I don't want to sound as if " we should all just get along" but for the most part all people have something to offer. I've had Muslims in my home on Christmas Day partaking of "our" celebration and saying their prays in my living room. I accept people, because everybody has a story and everyone is like a book - some chapters are boring, but in the end when you close the cover of a good book you just might feel sad that its finished.
Patience and Time generally work things out. As I like to think Turtles sometimes win.
Fran
Patience and Time generally work things out. As I like to think Turtles sometimes win.
Fran
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Who? What? and Why?
For me, those are easy questions to answer.
I think it's not that hard for people to see that I'm
as well as a (although, sometimes, I feel as though people peg me as a ). Go figure!
If I had to apply a label to myself, however, I would most certainly call myself either a or a ... but probably not a . Well, not essentially so, anyway.
Over the course of my life, I've come to believe that I am who I am and I do what I do because . Even though others may think that it may have more to do with my being an or a , that certainly isn't incompatible with my being a .
Great thread, Kimberly! Thanks!
Love,
CJ
Who? What? and Why?
For me, those are easy questions to answer.
I think it's not that hard for people to see that I'm
as well as a (although, sometimes, I feel as though people peg me as a ). Go figure!If I had to apply a label to myself, however, I would most certainly call myself either a
or a ... but probably not a . Well, not essentially so, anyway.Over the course of my life, I've come to believe that I am who I am and I do what I do because
. Even though others may think that it may have more to do with my being an or a , that certainly isn't incompatible with my being a .Great thread, Kimberly! Thanks!
Love,
CJ
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Amelie-Laveau
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 629
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 7:20 pm
I like labels, they tell the world who I am. So, I pick labels for myself that offend people, I like to mess with the "normals” of the world. That is why I label myself as a goth/punk, shemale, skag, street scum whore,, I know these labels bother some,, so I use them as often as I can,,, then one day I looked in the mirror and Lol,,, the reflection I saw was of a person who fit the labels I mentioned,
Anyway, I am not alone, for we are legion,, we are many.
Anyway, I am not alone, for we are legion,, we are many.
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Ian
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Thu May 15, 2008 9:37 pm
- Location: Australia
I never worried about the 'why' until my wife started asking questions and continued to ask them. I found the answers (genetic predisposition and hormonal response prior to birth) that I was satisfied with, and after explaining them to her, she seems satisfied with them also. At least she doesn't ask why any more.
This is the same answer i recived from a shrink !!expert!! in genderdisforia in perth. i suppose its no difrent than a person who is gay or has dislexia.
This is the same answer i recived from a shrink !!expert!! in genderdisforia in perth. i suppose its no difrent than a person who is gay or has dislexia.
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
I like labels, and I like to play around with them. People will label me, whether I do or don't. So I'd rather put in my own opinion about who or what I am, and have fun debating about it.
I can see that I'm in a minority with this viewpoint, and I will have to assume that for many of you, labeling may have been used as a weapon against you at some point. I know it has been used as a weapon against me, but that just made me want to become better at it.
As for "why," I have come up with reasons for many of the things that I do. I am always thinking about this; it just seems natural to me, like breathing. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, to accept the parts of myself that are not very loveable or pretty to look at on first glance. It's always a work in progress, especially when it comes to transgender! I've been peeling away at this particular 'onion' for 8 years now!
I can see that I'm in a minority with this viewpoint, and I will have to assume that for many of you, labeling may have been used as a weapon against you at some point. I know it has been used as a weapon against me, but that just made me want to become better at it.
As for "why," I have come up with reasons for many of the things that I do. I am always thinking about this; it just seems natural to me, like breathing. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, to accept the parts of myself that are not very loveable or pretty to look at on first glance. It's always a work in progress, especially when it comes to transgender! I've been peeling away at this particular 'onion' for 8 years now!
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Stephanie W
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 905
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 9:57 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
