as far back as i can remember

Ian · Post by **Ian** » Sat May 17, 2008 9:09 pm

basic points first.
personally im not in to makeup or shose. i dont want to be a girl or look like a girl .thought i do embrace the feminine feeling inside myself while i am wearing .i feel so relaxed .i don't feel the need to dress every day but if i haven't dressed in a week i miss it.

as many iv come from alcoholic parents separation's!! sexual abuse by a stranger at 5. iv been living depression and suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember .
I to looked at dads mags under the bed and was drawn to the lingerie as well as the girls .as young as 5 i remember fantasizing about 2 of my female cousins dressing me up in frilly clothing. i could never bring myself to wear my mothers stuff mabe thats because i hated my mum.on the occasions when i had to live with mum she was normally sharing a place with girlfriends and when i was in the house by myself id go for the girlfriends underwear draw. as i grew up and became more convinced i was a freak alone in the world.i used to look through the junk mail alone thinking yep id wear this or that.over the years iv tried many many time to block it out but it just wouldnt go away compounding the felling of being a freek.im allmost 40 now and been with my wife for 16 years or so.I finaly got to the point were i couldn't keep it in any more,easter 2005 i wrote a short letter to my wife and handed it to her, my heart was beating out of my chest the fear was total. at the same time years of depression lifted from my shoulders and for a short time i felt hole.i felt so bad for what this might do to her before i did it, that id held of many times,she likes the mans man type /the cool looking guy that people don't mess with because of the unknown factor well that's how she and my family saw me.she cried a lot and my heart broke for her,we wnt through the are you gay do you want to be a woman thing ,how long has this been going on are you wearing my stuff,she felt betrayed and i don't blame her for feeling any of what she did and still dose.she tryed very hard be ok with it ,she felt her own femininity threatened as shes a bit of a tomboy.and though she lovers me im am certain if we did not have young shild she would leave me.for a short time she sed ok i could wear a skirt.so i went out by my self wearing a skirt and guys singlet while she was at work no one sed boo about it ,but finally she sed she dint want me to go out in public just in case someone she new saw me and she would feel embraced .so the depression came back ,now i only wear when she is at work and sadly we agreed i can go to one of my cousins house in a skirt.if i forget to take s camisole or some underwear out of the washing basket and she sees it she gets upset ,as long as she doesnt see any evidence of my dressing she can put it out of her mind.i wake up most days wishing i was never bourne.she also cant talk about it with me iv tryed so very hard .i went to a shrink one of the best in perth on genderdysforie and so did she ,things will never be the same again between us and god that hurts us both so badly i cant wait for my time on this earth to be over. i have looked for answers as to why i am the way i am and ,the short answer seems to be there are no answers .some times i look to the heaven's and shout in anger WHY WHY WHY AM I LIKE THIS. even though i have excepted its part of who i am.

I made a few mistakes when i first let my wife know about the cd-ing i knew if i tolled her strait out i wanted to wear skirts and lingerie she'd have left me,so i only mentioned female underwear.Mistake (one)because she was trying to be supportive and sed ok if its causing me so much distress do it ,its only underwear.i was so excited, i started wearing them 24/7.up until this point i sleept naked.then a few months later i tolled her about wanting to wear skits.bless her she tryed so hard to be ok with it ,then i made my second mistake,again i was so happy i wore a skirt at home to often, stupid stupid me it was not a mini but it was to short.a few night's later she wanted me to go get mc-donalds dam i feel so stupid thinking back on it now but in this skirt i jumped in the car and went through the drive through as always .i went to fare to fast ,the next day she made me promise not to wear a skirt in public.since then i didnt have the hart to say i wanted to wear lingerie aswell i felt i had done enough damage to our lives already ,i do wear nice soft camisoles in cold weather but thats as close as i get to lingerie
.the one thing i know for sure is if id sed a blanket statment like. i want to wear female cloaths she would be gone .the thing with me is i am only interested in skirts lingerie -underwear ,not dressing up all the way to go out so i feel out of place here somtimes .

Post by **DonnaT** » Sat May 17, 2008 11:02 pm

Sorry to hear you both are having a rough time with your trans nature.

Would your wife be up to joining the forum as well?

Note that it doesn't do much good to fight yourself, you'll end up on the loosing end. It's time to learn to accept the hand you've been dealt. When you can do that, and be strong, then it may help your wife also.

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sun May 18, 2008 8:07 am

Hello Ian,
I am very happy to meet you and also very sorry for all of your problems.
Keep your head up and smile as tomorrow is always better then today.

Lydia · Post by **Lydia** » Sun May 18, 2008 12:27 pm

Hi Ian,

Don't despair. Most of us here have gone through the same kinds of situations.

Since you are there, I highly recommenbd a wonderful group:
http://www.chameleonswa.com/chameleons/forums/

They are supportive , understanding and very friendly. If you are in Perth, that's their home territory.

Hugs,

Lydia

Ian · Post by **Ian** » Mon May 19, 2008 12:32 am

thank you all ,as for my lovely wife ,sadly she just cant deal with it.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon May 19, 2008 8:51 am

Hi Ian,

thanks for your description. I related to parts of it. I used my moms clothes when younger but as her drinking progressed I wanted nothing to do with her clothes anymore (or her either but that's another story) My feeling is that in alcoholic families there is usually some form of emotional incest going on even if there is not sexual incest.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so discouraged currently. Many of us have felt that way. Although my taste in clothing has never left me feeling that despondent other things have. However at this point in my life I am glad to be alive. I hope you will hang in there and I hope we can be of help to you.

My wife is pretty much don't ask don't tell and knows some but not nearly all. It seems to work with us.

Absaroka

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Mon May 19, 2008 1:10 pm

Ian........I can relate a little to what your going thru. About a year ago, I told my wife of over 25 years that I was a CDer. She was not very happy about it but after talking for a while, she said I could dress when she was not there and I could have a Saturday afternoon to be my fem side. Otherwise she did not want to see me dressed or pictures of me dressed. So for around a year, I would dress when she was not at home on my scheduled Saturday afternoon. I usually asked for the same Saturday as my Tri-Ess meeting. She would go to her MS water arobics class on that Saturday afternoon. So I would get about 12 hours CDing in. So for a year, I had to be very careful and not let my see me fully dressed. Then one day she got her schedule mixed up and she ended up see me fully dressed. Again we talked and talked. I am sure she had some preconeived notions as to what Cding is all about and how I would look fully dressed. Now she is more accepting of my CDing and I am letting her lead in this so that she can become more compy.

Ian · Post by **Ian** » Mon May 19, 2008 10:13 pm

(Absaroka )My feeling is that in alcoholic families there is usually some form of emotional incest going on even if there is not sexual incest .

interesting thought.

Its interesting because i found the two people who took it the hardest were the two people who expected more from me than thay had a right to. my mother's first words after she got over the initial shock were how dare you dump this manure on me and then she didnt talk to me for a month or take my calls that ment my son didnt get to see his nanny .i ended up getting my wife to ring from a difrent number to see if she wanted to see her grandson.not once did my wife or mum ask how i felt .in there eyes i had let them down .
all the rest of my famliy cousins uncles ect it didnt matter to them .
thay love me for me not the cloaths,i wear.99%of my cousins are female and would be more than happy to go out in public with me wearing a skirt.

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Tue May 20, 2008 8:18 am

Parents sometimes have very high expectations of their children. Parents always want more for their children than they had. Better education, better job, and etc. When a child does not meet these expectations even if it is not the fault of the child, the parent feels like they have failed. This can cause resentment in the parent. They put a lot of work, money, and soul into getting their child into the best schools, best programs, and etc and then the child decides he/she wants something else completely different can be devastating to the parent. Sometimes the child turns to drugs and/or crime. The parent now wonders what they did wrong in raising that child. The devastation to the parent can be so bad, that they can completely shutout the child. No child should have to live up to a parents expectations because it is his/her life not their parents.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Fri May 23, 2008 2:12 am

Hi Ian--
It sounds like you were having problems accepting being on this planet even before you met your wife, according to one of your replies on another thread. You've come out to all your family, am I right about that? That takes a great deal of courage to do, because you can't count on acceptance from anyone--you have to let the chips fall where they may.

Absaroka wrote:

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so discouraged currently. Many of us have felt that way. Although my taste in clothing has never left me feeling that despondent other things have. However at this point in my life I am glad to be alive. I hope you will hang in there and I hope we can be of help to you.

That really echoes my feelings about your situation as well, and I wanted to put it in here for emphasis. At least you're here, writing and posting. I sometimes forget, but there are lurkers who read these threads for months (or years) at a time, and never participate. Maybe it does them some good, but... being here makes a difference, I feel.

Ian · Post by **Ian** » Fri May 23, 2008 6:30 pm

yes my hole family knows .i did it for a few resons one of wich was i didnt like to feel i had to hide in my own house if somone came to visit,lol yet i have to hide from my wife .

and yes iv felt out of place since child hood.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat May 24, 2008 9:54 am

Ian one of the more difficutl things in life is sometimes accepting that what we want from the people we love may be something they may not be capable of giving. So we have to find it somewhere else, either within ourselves or in other people or in something else, hopefully something positive like some forms of spirituality and not in something negative like drinking, drugs, violence and so on.

I am NOT suggesting that you divorce your wife with that last paragraph, indeed I am not suggesting any specific course of actions. More like a way of accepting the world, since it's here whether we like it or not, and picking our battles wisely, attempting to change what we can.

Absaroka

Ian · Post by **Ian** » Sat May 24, 2008 7:26 pm

when im in a good space i think, as you have described .but its hard to hold on to .i always thought i never wanted anything from anyone, but obviously thinking people would not want anything from me aside from me being me is me wanting somthing from others. as a child iv seen EVERY one of my families abuse drinking as a result i dont use any drugs, coffee and choclate is as close as i get to drugs .and the only violence im into is in computer games. i think what makes it harder for me that my wife cant deal with the cd-ing is the fact that i got so much exceptance from the rest of my famile. and the only female cloathing id want to wear out in public is a skirt for the rest id be happy wearing my normal mens tops.

some days when im putting my underwear on as i get dressed , life feels so surreal i look at myself and think manure is this really real .

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Sun May 25, 2008 6:08 pm

Ian

I'm so sorry to hear of the troubles you've been having, but so glad that you've found a way to express those feelings here. Being able to do that takes a lot of courage and you should know that we do understand what you're going through. Many of the people here also understand that feeling of isolation, especially when it's from the people you love the most. That said, they too are only human, and not being able to accept this doesn't necessarily take away any love they have for you. It may just take time for them to realize that this IS you, and if they can come to see that, perhaps there is hope that your wife will begin to understand someday. In the meantime, it still hurts, I know, but we all need to somehow find our own way through these kinds of emotional issues, and more importantly, stay positive that things WILL get better. If that ultimately means a life apart from your wife, then perhaps that will be for the best. Either way, I wish you luck. Stay strong, and remember, we're all rooting for you.

Stephanie