Question

[GeriWestSO]

Did you tell your parents? My Melissa is just starting to tell people and asked me to help her come up with a list. I want her to be comfortable with who she is and be ok with people knowing, but parents are sort of a different story. Should we tell her parents? I'd love to hear your opinions/experiences with this!

[Kandis]

The choice to tell ones parents is a difficult one to make. One has to look at the way one was raised, and what their parents views are on this type of subject. Granted, we are all told "You're my son and I'll love you no matter what". Then we drop this in their laps, and it is suddenly the ONE thing that would cause them to no longer want to associate with us. I personally told my Mother...came out to her in a "strange" way though, I set myself up to get caught because I couldn't think of how to start that conversation with her. It worked out well for me, but then I was 17 years old and still living at home so it was easier for her to understand I guess. She was quite supportive and understanding of my crossdressing and even gave me permission to wear her things and also took me shopping because there are just some things you shouldn't borrow from someone else (panties and bras) so we decided I should have my own to wear, but everything else of hers was fair game for me as long as I washed it before returning it.

[Roberta-Llyan]

I would support the idea of telling. Be aware, however, that it could go one of three ways:

1. They support you and accept you;
2. They deny and denounce you;
3. They are somewhere in the middle.

I first began by telling my mom in one of my books by writing a story about a true experience I had. She tore the pages out of the book and destroyed them. Later, I sent my sister a photo of me in femme clothing and she shared it with mom. Now mom won't talk to me when I call. She has told my sister, who has recently joined the forum, she does not want to see me.

So I live with my honestly and integrity. I live with the fact that I AM True to myself first. And I AM happier than I've ever been in my 59 years, 11 months and 1 day.

Why?

Because I AM true to my self...(see my signature below.)

And that is really the question!

[Caith]

Way back when I was a wee little crossdresser only seven years of age (that would be the early-to-mid-1960's ) I knew instinctively that my parents wouldn't accept or approve. When older, my father didn't like his boys growing their hair out. Later still, he would have flipped if he knew my ears were pierced. My mother was / is even worse. She may have guessed at some time early on but if she did, she never asked.

I'd think more young children have a better time of it in this 21st century, but I won't for an instant believe it's an easy walk for anyone.

[Roberta-Llyan]

but I won't for an instant believe it's an easy walk for anyone.

Correct. Yet history has shown us that many, many females were persecuted or condemned or even jailed so females could enjoy the rights they have today. Such rights as voting, wearing what clothes they want, etc.

We as transgenders and CDers are now in the position to change the world's view of us in society. But it will ONLY happen if we make a public stand as those females did in the 1880's--1920's.

It is our obligation to the younger transgenders and CDers who are coming behind us to make the path easier for them. And that can only happen if we go public and speak out and inform our relatives, friends, etc. Some will suffer. Some may even be harmed physically. But sooner or later, as history has shown in every great movement, WE WILL SUCCEED!

(I speak as a 24/7 and a historian of note!)

[Carol Ann]

Ladies,

I am so sorry that things went so bad for you, I have told this story a dozen times. My mother except the fact and we went from there.
I LOVE her and I miss her.

[Stephanie W]

Geri

In my case, my parents divorced when I was very young and I didn't see a lot of my father. Happily, we have a great relationship now and things are pretty good. I should say they do live on different continents with my Mom here with me.

In my case, I came out to her about two years ago and she was much better than I could ever have hoped for. Of course, I was pleasantly surprised and very happy that she was cool with it. Funny thing is, she was more concerned that I was going to tell her I was gay, which I suppose was the lesser of the two evils for her. Not that she is homophobic at all, just that I had always been the light of her life.

When I told her, I had set aside a couple of days to make sure I covered everything I could, making sure I had photos on hand in case she was curious about this unknown daughter that had suddenly appeared in her life. Those pics made the world of difference to her and immediaely dispelled any preconceived notion she had that I was one of those colorful characters from your Gerry Springer show. She actually liked how I looked, so you just never know. I've since come out to my mother-in-law and one of my wife's best girlfriends. I have a sister I'm really close to who would be the one other person I hope to tell someday, but that's about it.

So Geri, telling your family is a very personal decision and no amount of advice can tell you whether it's the right thing to do for you. You know them better than anyone. If you both feel there is a NEED for them to know, then do it. Just be prepared for the inevitable questions and you should do OK. If things don't go well, then that's life, but make sure you don't spring it on them by choosing a good time. That way, you do it from a position of strength and on your terms.

Best of luck.

Stephanie

[DonnaT]

The choice to tell ones parents is a difficult one to make. One has to look at the way one was raised, and what their parents views are on this type of subject.

I agree.

My dad has passed, but I told my mom a few years ago, and she's been totlally accepting. Giving me clothes and jewelry. My wife didn't want me to tell her, but I just knew she would be ok with it. I didn't go against my wife's wishes, per say, as it was an accidental coming out when she saw a picture of me enfemme.

[Absaroka]

For much of my life my parents were violent alcoholics. There were a great many things I didn't tell them. I often wished my phone number and address were things that I had not told them. I certainly wasn't going to tell them I used to wear my moms underwear.

Later in life they got sober and our relationship improved. It improved much more when I became a father- I understood a lot more about them. But at that point I really felt it was none of their business what I wore.

Absaroka

[DeeDee]

Coming out to anyone is difficult, once you do, the cats out of the bag as they say. Families are tough since some of us wish they would vanish and others cherish them. I'm in the latter category with most of my family. I told my father back in 1990 when he needed a place to stay and I owned a house. But I had to tell him about Dee then because I wasn't gonna run back in the closet to help him. He took it well although at age 17 he threw a fit when he found a dress in my dresser drawer. Mom always knew since catching me at about age 12, but we never took that any further. Theres really no advice to give other than...."be yourself". But be prepared for the worst case scenario. I know a girl who just transitioned....her mom was very upset and against it. Once she did, her mom has accepted her as her daughter. One of her brothers still won't talk to her. Again....we are who we are and we do what we must. I'm still waiting for my sister who knows, to send me a flannel nightie for Christmas (yes, it gets chilly here) but I still get flannel shirts
Good luck, and think it out, 'cause theres no going back
DeeDee

[Jennifer M]

I told my parents after my last suicide attempt.I was desperatly in need of support,unfortunatley it wasnt there.The decision to tell someone is a very difficult one indeed.In my case I havent told anyone since I told my parents.I know the day will come when I will try to tell someone again.It is difficult to judge how someone will react to news like ours.I am beggining to think about how important another persons acceptance is worth compared to self acceptance.

[Jeannie]

Hi Ladies
For me,I had to wait for my parents to pass. My Mother, Jennie,died 13 years ago and my Father,Louie, died three years ago. I told my only sibling ,Christine about me after my Dad died and she calls from Maine too often and always asks if I'm getting counseling.
All our situations are unique and family support is a bonus, but no reason to think we are worthless if it doesn't happen.
We are all just human beings and have the right to live as the person we were born. Don't let others make you feel that you are worthless. I'm here to tell you,you're not. Hugs.

Love
Jeannie

[KimberlyS]

I have not told my parents with the conservative environment I grew up in. Being a sissy boy, gay, wearing makeup, or earrings were all bad things for guys to do. Just comments from my parents over things on television was enough for me to know their stand on CDing. I did pierce my ears about 3 years ago and my parents and brother flipped over that. And I still get bad comments.

Interestingly, CDing for humor is ok. Any thing close to reality is not. Guys are guys and do masculine manly thing and girls are girls and do womans work and are feminine. That is the environment I grew up in.

Now I do not think if I told my family they would never want to see me again. But it would put something between us. But since I am not a full out and about CDer I do not feel it is personally worth telling them just for the sake of telling them. And I do not feel a great need to tell them or most people. For me and my wife, my CDing is something personal like many other things in our life are personal. We have not even told our kids.

Telling parents and others is based so much on the feelings of the individual or couple. And on the situation of the CDer in relationship to parents and others. The likely hood that they may find out or run into the CDer un-expectantly. And how much and how the CDer needs to dress and be out.

kimberlys
joe in a skirt

[Anita]

Kimberly wrote:

And I do not feel a great need to tell them or most people. For me and my wife, my CDing is something personal like many other things in our life are personal. We have not even told our kids.

To me, this is one dividing line that can help us figure out whether we need or want to tell. If it's just personal, well, we all have personal lives that we don't necessarily share. I felt that my CDing was personal when I was a teen; nobody needed to know, and I didn't feel any urge to tell, either.

I tried to keep that approach when CDing came back in the winter of 2000, and it wouldn't work. It was no longer going to be personal; it was going to be a secret. What made the difference? What changed? Something did, and the energy that it was going to take to maintain the 'secret' was enormous. So it was really no choice at that point--it had tipped the scales, and I had to plan for how I was going to break the news.

My Dad took it very well. I knew from past experience with difficult issues that he was fairly open and fair, and at 90, he had seen and heard almost everything from my 5 siblings and myself. But it was still very hard to do; the bell can't be unrung! I am grateful he accepted me that night, and I never heard anything in the next six years that indicated differently.

I am sorry he never got to meet "me," but the time and place never felt right for that. He died last year, so that door is closed. Maybe he's caught one of our shows since then--I'd like to think so!

[Virginia]

Hi Geri,

As you can see we really don't have an answer as to whether or not to tell as we don't know the family background, but as has been eluded to you should know how they feel about gays, lesbians, and crossdressers. Do they find them offensive, or tolerate them or funny as there are enough of "us" on TV to at least get some feeling from that perspective.

My approach, if you decide to pursue it would be from a more psychological/biological approach, " you know we are all born with certain traits, hair color, eye color, maybe some type of birth "defect" who to say we can't have an internal physical/psychological "defect?" Some guys like to sew and some girls like to play sports, so where does that "desire" come from? It is internal, you can't see it, but it manifests itself in an outward way, so I believe that I have the gift of having certain feminine feelings that need to be expressed outwardly and from the research I have done, I was evidently born with this gift and it has grown with me to the point that I now have the need to express it outwardly..........

Well, its one of many approaches, just find what you are comfortable with explaining and saying and remember, we are here to support each other.

Please let us know what you decide to do and let us know how it goes as your experiences can help others who may be in the same situation.

Virginia