Hurting

[Carol Ann]

I don't know how to explain this but if I am not dressed I am unhappy. Now does that make sense?.

Tonight is the first day or night I have been able to dress as the Grandchild is gone for a few days. I can not explain it but I need to dress and just be me.

Tonight I have two coats of polish on my nails and dressed casual and the wife is upset because I told her I need to go full time. Well we all know the answer
NO!!. dress all you want but don't leave the property.
Hell what's the point?, dress all you what but stay home???.

Sorry you'al but I am just down this evening as Carol Ann just needs to be turned loose and let the chips fall where ever.

[Georgia(SO)]

no answers - just hugs...

-g(so)

[ChristineK]

When my wife bought me a purse I told her we must be going out!

She agreed we could go out dressed but we are still working on this. Untill I am comfortable with my look I go no where.

[Sally]

Yes Carol Ann, I know exactly how you're hurting. The need to 'be free' used to ebb and flow over the years, and the gap between the highs and the lows widened over time to a marked degree, and the need became so intense and urgent I had to act.

I'm so fortunate in the fact that I have a wife and family who were supportive which enabled me to make the necessary adjustments in my life so I could 'go fulltime', and this then later led to commencing my transition, which now spans eight + years.

I don't propose that I have any easy answers for you as we're all individuals and our position is unique in itself to us all, except to empathise with you and tell you that when you say " Carol Ann just needs to be turned loose and let the chips fall where ever, " I know exactly what you're feeling. That's exactly what it came to with myself, the need became so despaerate and intense that I just went for it and laid it all out for everyone and come what may. Now I really have no rgerets about my decision as I know that if I hadn't taken the course I did, then the resulting outcome would probably have been quite disasterous.
The longer we leave it the more we realise we're running out of time, which adds to the feeling of desperation.

As I always say, " The way it is, is the way it is." and no matter how efficiently we cover it up, 'she' will always be whispering into our mind, it's very, very difficult to ignore a female forever, almost impossible, but of course it's always an individual case of weighing up what one may possibly gain against what one may possibly lose.

I wish you well and feel deeply for you.

Sally.

[Kay]

Hi CarolAnn from me too.
All dressed up and not going anywhere is a tough call. I never was one for giving advise, but I'm a damn good listener.
Kay

[Virginia]

Hey Hon,

I would assume that you have talked to her about your going out but have you considered, for example, just an evening or even a night time drive. You don't have to get out, just you and (her) just driving around for a bit, then expand on that. Like a walk in the park in the evening, just little things like that. I can only asume that she sees hordes of self-righteous, religious nut-cases, chasing you through town with torches and pitchforks! We all know that that ain't gonna happen, but she still probably needs reassurance.

Of course the other side is, a lot of us wish we lived in the country where we could dress and walk outside and play with the bunny rabbits!

Love ya,

Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Hi Carol Ann,

I know you know what I am going to say. You have heard me say is a zillion times. If the compromise you made is not one you can live with, than you must renegotiate it. If not you will begin to resent your wife and she will be seen as the source of the problem, when in reality the need to be who you are, is the real source of the problem.

If this is inevitable, you need to tell her that, and start planning what to do about it, and when. And what I mean by this, is to literally re-open the negotiation. You don't have to make any agreements, or any conclusions, but you need to tell her you are unhappy with the agreement and if your needs are not met, then like everyone else, it will become a resentment.

But remember, she is under no obligation to agree. At some point it may come down to the relationship itself. You have seen this happen many times here. It's about what you can live with. It may come down to a choice. You need to know how you feel about that. How she feels about that. I mean, either it's a dealbreaker or it's not.

Good luck but remember, no one can make us happy except ourselves and it's no one's job to make us happy. It's our job. If you do not seek the things that make you happy, no one else will.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Lydia]

Hi Carol Ann,

I feel your hurt, and understand. I was married for many years, but she barely tolerated my CD. Thus I was closeted severely, but my love for her superceded and I compromised. She has been gone now 12 years, and I have an SO who accepts and cooperates thoroughly. We do have an agreement to limit outside dressing - this is primarily to avoid embarassment to either one of us since we are both known to many people locally. Again this is a compromise, and one of many that we have to put up with.

Locally, I have been "out" occasionally - to shopping venues where I am not likely to meet acquaintances. In case I do, I have a retreat procedure planned.

Don't despair, as it says in the Spamalot song:"Always look on the bright side of life." Enjoy the fact that you can dress. Enjoy the fact that you have a lovely wardrobe. Obviously, you love your wife dearly, and if such a compromise makes her happy, then you can make the sacrifice.

Hugs and Love

Lydia

[JoAnnDallas]

I do go out and now the wife has even helped me get dressed to go out. I am slowly working on her to go out with me fully dressed. She did ask one day if wives were allowed at my Tri-Ess meetings. I said, "Yes, they are very much welcomed". So hopefully one day soon, she will go with me to my Tri-Ess meeting.
Do you belong to a support group? If so, are wives allowed to attend. Could be a way to get your wife to go out with you dressed.

[Carla L]

Carol Ann,

I do not get to go out often but dress 4-5 times a week, if only for a few hours. I totally understand what you are saying. In those times when family are around, I love my family but miss dressing at the same time. It makes me feel guilty at times, because there are times I want them to leave so I can dress.

I get the most satisfaction when I go out, but I really wish I could go out with someone with me. I did this with the one daughter I have that knows I dress. It was the best time. We really had fun together. She got some extra clothes she needed and we worked on my feminine walking.

I don't have a suggestion or a solution of any sort, just that I feel for you and totally understand.

[MsJoann]

In my last confrontation with the GF last weekend, she did apologize for being ignorant about all this. She did indicate that she would be highly upset if I were meeting others on the internet and going out in public!
There's the next hurdle which faces me.....I'm not sure I want to come fully clean and tell her that this old broad has been out on the town!

[Carol Ann]

Hay Hi everybody,
I am sorry for my let down but there are things going on in the back ground that I don't talk about. For what it's worth I am truly thankfull I have you all here,

Today after a good cry I am up and running as usual, Now my problems really have nothing to do with crossdressing as I was just down and out and had no where to go or talk to.

Sorry Carol Ann is fine and just takes life as it is dealt to me good or bad.
I would like to answer all of you but I think a Thank You will do for now, I know there is love and understanding here.

OK I am up and running and ready to do battle, tonight is fry rabbit over rice with corn bread. You'al come on down as I have enough cold ones for all of us.

Jeannie I'll pick you up at the airport after dark

[Jeannie]

Hi Hon
"A life or a wife?" I think it was Shakespeare who said that but more likely Rodney Dangerfield. Do you know why most men die before their wives Carol Ann? They want to. I can only give you my perspective. Everyones situation is different.
I'm still married to the Warden but she lives elsewhere. We get along fabulous now. We were at our daughter Katie's house warming party and Mini said to me"We're are great team for running parties but I'm so glad we don't live together anymore." I said" Are you talkin' to me!" I didn't want to burst her bubble girls but the party starts after she always leaves. My kids always say"I thought she'd never leave!" Me to! I think of that sixties tune"Uptight and outta sight"
One other thing Carol Ann about that crack"Jeannie, I'll pick you up at the airport in the dark." How did you know Hon? That's how I get all my "dates". Hugs and hope you feel better. I hate being dressed like a guy. Ewwwwww!

Love
Jeannie

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Carol-Anne,

Life is the most difficult journey..and we are always changing as we go through our journey.....what may have been o.k when you were much younger is not acceptable to you now and the same for your wife.

I agree with many of the members here,the need to discuss,renegotiate and compromise has once come to your point in your life.

I don't think the way that you communicated to your wife was possibly the best way....the need to go fulltime,actually is a huge step..it completely changes your relationship and how your wife will view it and also the people in your community,which will have an affect on her.Maybe it is best to talk to her about how you see your relationship with her should you go fulltime...you then need to tell her the truth as to why you need to go fulltime...I mean if your not happy and it is all because you cannot be Carol-Anne and it is not a reflection of other things in your life that maybe not going so well...you owe it to yourself to think things through alone and then with your wife,to be honest and to not pretend that your life is o.k when actually it is not...

Many wives feelings are not even considered when someone wants to go fulltime,sometimes they are just expected to accept or that because they accepted the dressing within the home..well she will accept the fulltime dressing.
No longer as a fulltime Carol-Anne will you really be her husband..she would need to mourn that process and so much more...it can work,I am living proof of that ,my partner is now 3 years pre-op and has her op next year.....but we have had to cross so many bridges and there will be more to come.I have mourned the physical loss of my husband of 17 years and much ,much more,but it took time .
It has been very difficult in the past to stop seeing someone as your husband,but in a new light as a girlfriend...people react to you differently when your out in public and that took some getting used too..having to rewire the brain and see all the female attire,actions,etc has been difficult,but now ...well its normal.

Talk to your wife Carol-Anne

Hugs Penny

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Penny,

I sure agree with what you said. Going full time is a huge step and really required a full negotiation between both husband and wife. However, I think that Carol Ann is only looking to go out dressed, right now. I do understand that in some ways the public may view this as going full time, but I am not so sure.

I mean, if this is simply a stop on the way to "fulltime", she should just say so. I agree with you that this adjustment is very traumatic and most couples do not survive it.

I am curious about what you said about becoming a girlfriend rather than a wife? Is that how you feel? Because with me and Raven(SO), while she is most definitely like a girlfriend in that we do everything together, groom each other, and all the things you would expect girlfriends to do. But at the same time, she is definitely my wife. We have a very loving, romantic, and sexually active love affair.

Our love for each other is really what everything else revolves around. It's one of those things that I know our relationship could not survive if we were just girlfriends. Is that how you feel about your relationship? I am not sure if I am misunderstanding or not.

I don't want to ask questions that are too personal, but anything you could add would be appreciated.

Love always,
Elizabeth