Not TG After All

[Maggie]

I haven't posted here in a long time and no longer attend support group meetings. In case you didn't see my final post in another forum a few months ago, I wanted to assure you that I'm okay.

For almost a year, Maggie has stopped being part of my life. Some of you may be curious to know why.

As I discussed in some of my previous posts, my creation of "Maggie" came at a particularly stressful time in my life, which stirred up issues dating back to certain childhood traumas. I originally intended Maggie strictly for theatrical purposes, but I then discovered that she relieved my stress offstage as well.

Although I insisted that I was simply an "actor" who occasionally performed in drag, just about everyone I encountered in the TG community urged me to accept the fact that I was inherently transgendered, that Maggie was the "real" me, and that there was nothing I could do to change this. This view was reinforced by articles on the Internet and by various professional experts whom I consulted. One of my therapists explicitly said she was only interested in helping me to accept and accommodate my transgenderism. For a while, I seriously considered transitioning.

However, I discovered that I was not typical of the other TG's that I had met or that my therapists usually counseled, in that I viewed Maggie and my male self as being two totally separate and distinct persons. After much counseling and introspection (which I won't burden you with), I was finally able to understand and resolve the issues that had been bothering me as a man. Maggie had been a temporary quick fix to my stress, but now I see her as being both unnecessary and maladaptive. She is no longer relevant to my life. I am back to feeling happy and to loving myself as a man. I am now divorced and have a loving relationship with a woman. I still think that Maggie was a great character and that I was very talented to have portrayed her as well as I did. However, I have no interest in continuing that performance.

I am writing this to give some closure to this episode in my life. I wish to emphasize that my experience is based on a unique set of circumstances that are specific to me, which may be totally inapplicable to the vast majority of transgender persons. I fully accept the fact that true transgenderism is a condition that people are born with and that probably can't be changed. However, it turned out that I was not one of those people.

My final message is that not everyone in the TG and CDing community has the same motivations as everyone else. Just because people try to convince you that you are transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you are.

Best wishes to all,

The Actor Formerly Known as Maggie

[Caith]

Maggie, thanks for coming back to tell us. What's most important in your life is what's right for you. That you've thought about it deeply and understand it much better is a wonderful achievement. I'm very happy for you, and if/when Maggie ever needs to resurface for whatever reasons, at least you'll be comfortable knowing who and why she is. That's what's important to us all, wherever we may (or may not) be on the transgender spectrum.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Thanks for the fill-in, Maggie. I was already here when you first joined and I remember your hesitation at embracing the transgendered condition. I'm glad that you've finally come to some understanding regarding your own true self. As you say, people don't necessarily share the same motivations--even though they may all be members of a crossdresser support forum.

Just remember this, Maggie: not to cast even the shadow of a doubt on your newfound self-assurance but being free from the urge to crossdress for a year and being partnered to a GG don't automatically mean that you're not a crossdresser. I haven't dressed (fully) in more than two and a half years and I've been with Roxanne for close to two years but I understand I'm still a crossdresser.

I guess the important thing is that you know your own mind and that, shaman that you are, you've explored your own soul well enough to know who you truly are. Run with it, I say! Good luck to you, Maggie, in all you do and choose to be.

Love,
CJ

[DeeDee]

hiya Maggie
I'm sure your post took considerable thought on your part, and I respect your conclusion. Whether theatrical or otherwise, you have experienced the "other" side and now its time for you to move on. Thanks for being here and getting to know us. We'll always be here for you if just to say "hi" Best of luck with your new life and your new SO. Its wonderful to see someone take such positive steps one way or the other. The future is yours..enjoy life!!!!
Hugs DeeDee

[Virginia]

First, I want to say welcome back if only briefly. I missed you and thought of you often, wondering what was going on in your life.

I can only echo what my sisters have said. I am happy for you and wish you only the best. You know you will always be welcomed here under any circumstances.

We will leave a candle in the window for you anyway.

Love ya,

Virginia

[Anita]

Hi Maggie--
I have also thought about you after you left, and am glad to see you back to tell us what has gone on with you.

I understand your situation somewhat, and I'll tell you why. I see that my female self is also a way of resolving issues that I had as a man.
I am not transgendered in the sense of needing to be a woman; I'm TG in the sense that I need the female side of me to balance me out.

I had an ambitious plan for my life as a male. By the time I had hit my mid-40s, it was clear the plan wasn't going to work out as originally laid out. Rather than going into middle-age despair about it, my subconscious came up with another plan--let the 'girl' carry on the work. She could still do it, because she's ageless in some ways. I am not.

I would have been horrified at this idea when I was 30. At 49, I saw that I didn't have much choice in the matter. For me, it has worked out better than I could have ever imagined. But like yourself, my path is not for everyone.

The issues I have won't be resolved in the way yours were. I've done therapy, and I'm committed to two selves, two lives. But I don't doubt that your path exists. One of our other members felt as you do, and she also said goodbye.

[Absaroka]

I'm glad things are going well Maggie, and thanks for reminding us that we are all unique and that one size only fits one person, not all.

Absaroka

[DonnaT]

It's good to hear from you again Maggie. I certainly hope that you remain free of the need to be Maggie again, but if you do find yourself wanting again, you'll know where we are if you need to talk.

My final message is that not everyone in the TG and CDing community has the same motivations as everyone else. Just because people try to convince you that you are transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you are.

I agree, not all CDs are TG. Some do it for other reasons than some need deep in their soul.

[Jill S]

Thanks, some of us needed that.

[Ann Stef]

Perhaps you'll visit here again sometimes in the future as a CD who enjoys the femme side of life on occasion

[Ann Stef]

Some of us enjoy CD'ing just for the relaxation and therepy it gives to sooth the mind.