Everything that begins, begins with aloneness.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Anita,

Thanks for your post--I didn't expect this thread to be resurrected. Over the past half-decade or so, I've been trying to live a bit more "inside" my emotions and feelings, with mixed results. My father (a rational man to the nth degree) has this way of looking at emotions that is very dispassionate. His favourite image is this: life is a great big ocean and we are sailing that sea in our fragile rowboats. Most of us try to stand in order to see where we are going, to scan the horizon, and as a response to emotional turmoil; however, in doing so our center of gravity is so high as to increase the risk of our falling overboard or toppling the boat. The sailing, at the very least, becomes an inordinately "wobbly" experience. Better it is, according to dear ol' Dad, to just sit in the rowboat rather than stand--it'll make for smoother sailing. And you'll have an easier time in handling the oars.

Yes, well, maybe. I find that, if I don't pay attention to what my heart says and what my heart wants and what my heart needs, a big part of me goes missing at sea. To this day, my father doesn't deal well with feelings and emotions (to the endless frustration of his wife), but I truly appreciate those gifts he is able to give. That's brought us both peace, I think.

Carol Ann,

Thanks for your love; you're truly a sweet one and you're loved in return. The early January post was a response to the pain and tremendous disappointment I felt as a result of my somewhat careless (and carefree) involvement with an online "sister." I thought I'd found a kindred spirit but, then, it was brought to my attention that, in the online world, things and people aren't always what they seem. The fact that I'm fairly new at all this made that a difficult, but necessary, lesson to learn. I just felt I needed to disconnect for a while so that I could go lick my wounds. But, I'm all better now. Really, I am. Thanks again for your concern, Carol Ann. It makes me feel warm and cocooned.

Love,
CJ

[Kyra]

Hey CJ,
First let me say I really enjoy reading your posts. Your writing prose is elegant and professional. Your attitude toward self is exceptional and your genuine care for those here and in your everyday life is warm and loving.

Second, when life gets you down, remember that you don't have to go it alone. We may be miles apart, but you have friends on this forum. Friends who care for you just as you do for them.

And lastly, I add my comments on life. People come in all sorts of colors and styles. Sometimes we make mistakes and trust people we shouldn't. Sometimes we don't trust people we should. The difficulty is that we don't always know which is which. That's life. Unrehearsed. Daunting and even overwhelming at times. But I think that if you can achieve happiness with yourself, then it's worth it. Bumps in the road are expected, and they make the smooth pavement more enjoyable.

We love you CJ, just because you're you!

XOXO,
Kyra

[CJ]

Kyra,

Right now, after reading your post, I feel: + + + ..........thanks, Kyra. If you only knew how much I needed that tonight.

Thanks also for the kind words. Yes, I agree with you, life is unrehearsed and trust can be an issue. What I'm discovering is that I need some sort of body language cue in order to figure out more accurately where I stand with someone. I'm not sure if that's a sign of immaturity or not (probably not) but it's there nonetheless. Whether they be friends, family, colleagues, lovers, or girlfriends, I need to be able to look into a person's eyes and to let them look into mine so that we can communicate the things we mean beyond the words we use. That's something that's hard to do online... communicating strictly through words, without any other kind of cue, can sometimes lead to misunderstandings. I know that, in my case, it has; because of such a misunderstanding, I've alienated someone here whom I was very fond of, and I regret it deeply. I miss her terribly and I wish she knew how sorry I was. I just hope that, whether or not we ever chat again, she'll find it in her heart to forgive me.

Kyra, I know I'm not alone. Really, none of us are when we have such a wonderful place as this, where we can share and, hell, just be. I've had dark thoughts and dark moods lately, but I don't bother sharing those because, for one, I know they're temporary and, second, I'm just not made that way. I hold fast to my stoic ways--like my crossdressing, it's a habit I can't break... and neither do I wish to. Still, it brings me joy and a certain peace to know that someone out there is thinking of me tonight, as I listen to some Enya and hug myself tenderly. Thanks, Kyra.

Love,
Christina

[Nancy]

What we need here is a group for our girl CJ. We all have our ups and downs and some times they are higher and lower then normal. Just knowing that there are so many nice people here on the forum is coforting but at times I agree you just need that feedback that you can only get being face to face with someone else.

With me my lows always seem to come close on the heels of my feeling really good. Over the years I have come to notice this and at times have found if I can find something that will give me a good laugh or chuckel I can find my way back up so I am not feel quite so low.

What comes to mind is in the movie Steel Magnolias when Sally Fields really starts to lose it after her daughter dies and can not find away to come to grips with it one of her lady friends grabs another one of the ladies that is there and tells Sally to hit her. This totally catches everyone off guard and brings life back into focus.

Sometime we just need a good kick in the pants or something off track to snap us back. We all could use a group at times and as good as this forum is and it's a really good one it just can not replace that one on one looking into each others eyes or personel contact of a hug.

[CJ]

To all of you: Thank you.

Love,
Christina

[Beauty]

Hi Julie,

This was one of the most honest threads that was started here.

It's inspired so many people to open up because of Christina's honesty and openess. She honestly shared her thoughts with us during a very low moment for her. This openess and trust has caused this thread to become one of the most heartfelt, personal, supportive and favorite threads on the forum.

I with you. Internet support is incredible and mystically important.

I hope to read from you soon, but take your time, Shannon and Sharon will keep the doors open for us.

Beauty

[Carol Ann]

Hi CJ guess who? ,
I have a question for you, do you know what comes out of a coccone?
A very beautifull butterfly, have you looked in the mirrow lately? Carol Ann

[CJ]

Hi all (and hugs to all),

Carol Ann,

Thanks. You know, I haven't really looked in the mirror for a little while now. These days I'm in a "blind to my own being" zone. On the one hand, there's just too much going on and, on the other, too little. I know there's a beautiful butterfly in here, Carol Ann. Thanks for reminding me... I forget sometimes.

Nancy,

Of course, you're right; I just need to bring my life back into focus now (hmmmm, not sure if I want anyone to hit me, though ).

Julie and Beauty,

I agree with you both; this online "connectedness" is important to me too. The people I've met here are very much bridges over troubled waters sometimes.

What's strange about my current glumness is that, deep down inside (in the place where Christina dances through the daffodils and high grasses), I actually am a fairly serene person. I'm occasionally a little peeved at myself for letting the winds of daily living overly sway me. Yet, I always manage to remain firmly grounded (if a little disheveled).

Thanks to all for being the caring, generous people you are. You certainly make this girl's world a better place to be.

Love,
CJ

[Carolynn]

Your right CJ. The only time you want somebody to "hit'cha" is when your playing Blackjack and you've got less than 16!

Love,

[CJ]

Yeah, especially if the dealer wields a cat o' nine tails and she knows how to use it!

[Nancy]

CJ what kind of dealers do you play Black Jack with? Cat o' nine tails? Would keep you focused on the game that is for sure!

[CJ]

Yup! Focus! FOCUS!