My lil' story

[Daphné (GG)]

Hi everyone,

I have come to this place to share this lil' story of mine with you and get your thoughts and opinions... I think I found the right place

Not so long ago, I started a "social" page on the Internet and made a few new friends. My interests range from music, art, fetish etc., so I am open to a lot of different things and very little actually bothers me.

Two of those virtual friends had "known" each other virtually for a few years, because they both frequent a chat room with Transvestites and Transsexuals. They described themselves as Trans Admirers and I thought, Hey ! That's something new to learn about. I wasn't freaked in the least, although I did ask myself "Why ?" [but that's a different topic altogether...]

Then, the occasion came up that I could travel to the city where one of those virtual friends - let's call him V.- lives. I decided I wanted to meet V. and I have actually now seen him on a few occasions. V. and I had been virtual friends for a few months at the time of our first meeting. He is also in his 30's and we have many things in common.

Last time, we were talking the evening away when the subject of the chat room surfaced. And I asked him, half-jokingly "I wonder if being a TS admirer statistically increases or decreases your chances at love ?" He laughed and said "But I don't want to meet a TS woman..." So I asked "Why are you chatting up these people every night then ? You told me you did go out with a TS girl..." And he said "Because I have things in common with them..."

Let me take a break in my story if you'll allow me. Now, I like to think that I am an ascute person. And I know that *you* have already figured out where this is going. BUT, at that time in the conversation, I hadn't, the thought had *not* clicked in my brain....

So, I asked : "Well, what do you mean ?" [yes, yes, I know, it was pretty obvious, but he did mention that he went out with a TS girl and I really really really thought he was an Admirer....]

And he says : "Well, I've done it ! I used to do it ! After my divorce, I was feeling so alone, and longing for female companionship that I dressed myself up. I couldn't help myself, I had this urge, I *had* to do it." [He had mentioned to me previously that his divorce and relationship with his ex. had left him in such a state of sadness, hurt and loneliness, that he turned to the TS community, disgusted by Genetic females...]

Let's also bear in mind that this man is very very straight and very very masculine. He has that "bad boy rough around the edges" kinda look / feel.

I didn't really say anything, I let him talk. But I'm sure he could see that I was a little.... flabbergasted ! I think I asked him if he was gay (although I do know that one has nothing to do with the other !!!) and I told him that I had seen CDs at Fetish parties and that one of them had striken a conversation with me... And that the guy was very nice and bla bla bla... Basically, I was trying to "be cool with it" when I was still, well, flabbergasted !

Then he said "But I don't do it anymore !" My clothes are in a box, and I haven't taken them out in a long time. He said "That has passed me, I don't feel the urge to do it, so I don't."

And I said : "OK, well, either way, that's fine..." and, after a few Ed Wood and angora [tasteful and sensitive !] jokes on my part, to "de-stress" the two of us, we slowly went on to talking about something else.

Now, I have millions of questions swirling in my head... At the bottom of it all, it doesn't bother me that he cross dresses, or used to do it or whatever. As his friend / potential interest, I feel supportive. I've always found "different" / "misfit" people (I mean that in an upper most positive sense !) very attractive.

Still, I ask myself : "Why ?" (like every other SO on the planet, I suppose) and I wonder if he really doesn't do it anymore or he just told me that so I wouldn't freak (which I didn't exactly do). Now, I know I could just ask him, but I don't want to make a big deal out of it / overload him with questions he may not even have the answers for. I know we'll talk about it again when we see each other again in person, but over e-mail etc., it's not so easy.

Soooo, ladies of all genders, what is your take on all this ???

Thank you...And talk to you soon,

Love,

D.

[Anita]

Hi Daphne--
I like your writing style to begin with, so that was fun to read. My take on this? It's kinda like the old railroad worker's adage: "Expect a train on any track at any minute." He may well have "put away" everything for years, but all kinds of triggers can bring it back--a new relationship, a major birthday, or the moon in Taurus squaring Venus in Leo, for all I know.

You should assume that it will be part of your life if you get interested in being around him. I don't think that's overreacting. He may never do it again, but the odds are more likely that he will. If you're OK with that, then it's win-win. You might have to make adjustments to it, but at least you've decided from the very beginning that you could handle it if it appears again.

I've just heard too many stories where the CD said, "I used to do that, but I never do it now," and the new relationship started with that as a 'truth,' rather than as a 'maybe.'

[DonnaT]

Yes, if he's transgendered, the odds are he'll do it again. He may, however, simply dressed on a whim.

That is, he may not be transgendered. If not, then it's doubtful he'll dress again.

Then again, he's only boxed the things up, and not disposed of them. So it's hard to tell where his mind is. You might ask him why he's not got rid of the clothes if he's sure he's not going to dress again.

Then there's your interest to consider. Do you want to see him dressed?

[Virginia]

Hi "D", if I may call you that!

As my sister Anita said, I too enjoyed your writing style, it was a nice read!

Now as Donna said, would you be prepared to see him "dressed?"

We, those of us here, are on a continuum, a crossdresser's continuum. From those who may wear one thing maybe once a year to those who are full-time 24/7.

There are other areas of this forum that lend themselves to addressing your questions and concerns. I will say this and I speak only for myself, the "other" aspect of our being TO ME is a gift! Something to be treasured, explored, groomed, loved and shared. To a lot of us it is beautiful.

Hope you stay and participate with us.

Virginia (a NOTS = non-op Transsexual)

[Daphné (GG)]

Hi Ladies ! And thank you for your kind comments and answers.

Actually, your answers have been very very helpful because I have noticed that they tend to address the "Will he do it again ?" question.

My initial post probably gave the feeling that it was the paramount "issue" for me. And I may have written it with that in mind.

But, as I read your answers, I found myself thinking "But that's not the main point I was hoping they would address !" In fact, I don't mind if he dresses again, and I would probably be cool with him dressing when I'm around. (Well, at least it feels this way as I lay typing... )

I suppose the point on which I was hoping for your feed back -and again, it did not occur to me before I read your answers !- is rather the genesis of the behavior, or rather, the explanations that he gave.

He expressed two main points :
- His (ex)wife was not very feminine, and he had a craving for girdles, stockings etc. which she never wore. He really wished she were more feminine.

- After his divorce, he felt so alone and longed for female companionship so much that he started dressing, or rather, had he urge to do so.

And I guess we are back to the "Why ?" rather than the "Will it happen again ?"

Is that progress ? I don't know... And it's not that his explanations sound 'phony' to me... Not at all... Actually, they sound pretty insightful...

Yet, I'm puzzled, Ladies, I am puzzled...



D.

[DonnaT]

Ha, it's hard enough explaining the 'why' for why I do it.

Trying to figure out why someone would dress because their wife was either not fem enough in their mind, or their wife left them is something else.

I do remember a CDer in his 70's in another forum who said he didn't start until after his wife died. He even started dating an older gentleman.

Why?

OK, my take on it is that some of us are hardwired to be trans (TG), whether it's CD or TS. But we do not act on this wiring until something comes along and throws a switch to reroute our minds circuitry. Much like some alcoholics. The switch gets thrown my taking that first drink or getting that first drunk on.

What triggers the switch in one thing, at what age it is triggered is another.

Can the switch be unthrown? It's quite rare.

[Anita]

Hi Daphne--
I won't bore the regulars with my story again, but some of my motives for doing this were the same as for your friend. I talk about it in the very last paragraphs:

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... apter+life

In a way, your friend is providing a very clear explanation as to why he did it. Maybe you're saying that for you, the explanation raises more questions than it answers. Part of the reason it may seem mysterious is because not very many of us give that reason for becoming TG/CDs.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Daphné,

First, I think it's wonderful that you express such honest curiosity about this. In fact, it's very refreshing. But I would expect no less from someone who's already at ease with the "fetish scene." Which brings me to my second point.

Like my sister, Virginia, said about crossdressers (namely, that there is a spectrum or continuum of transgendered identities and experiences), I think there's also a spectrum of possible explanations. For some crossdressers, it's a sexual fetish and thus has much to do with their psychosexual development (think: imprint); for some, it's an emotional coping mechanism that allows them to "slip into something more comfortable," not necessarily in terms of clothing but in terms of an identity more closely matched to their "felt" gender (and whether this "felt gender" is a social construct or not is another issue); for yet others, crossdressing is simply the social expression of a sometimes hard to pin down "essential" identity, a form of social rebellion, if you will; for many, it's simply the alignment of a hard-wired gender identity (où le genre est inné... where gender is "inborn") with traditional social norms and expectations regarding gender expression and presentation.

Scientific studies will say this, that, and the other thing, and you can always find two that come to contrary conclusions regarding the etiology of transgendered behaviour. Ultimately (and, in keeping with the fact that our world has become a marketplace of ideas and opinions and beliefs), each person will espouse that theory or explanation that bests suits his or her temperament or philosophical stance.

There are a few basic things you should know (and, by the sound of it, you already do):

- gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things;
- wearing lingerie and wanting to become a woman are two different things;
- for some, crossdressing is eminently sexual in nature; for others, not;
- transgender yearnings, longings, and needs can lay dormant for a long time but usually do not ever go away completely;
- there's sometimes a world of difference between being a GG friend of a CD and being that CD's SO;
- crossdressers are, for the most part, "normal" (and, Daphné, you have to learn to hate that word!) in every other aspect of their lives and, as such, are pretty representative--in their interests and aspirations--of the majority of men out there.

Remember this, though: the foregoing consists merely of my own opinions on the matter. Many of my sisters here would dissemble or disagree.

I'm glad that you show interest in your friend V's lifestyle and emotional landscape, Daphné. I've always believed that people on the margins are the ones who most make us reflect on our own situation and experience. This is true across gender lines, too, of course. I wish you well in your exploration of this through your budding friendship with V.

Love,
CJ

[Daphné (GG)]

Bonjour Ladies !

Thank you, thank you and thank you for your thoughtful input !!!

I'm amazed at how eloquent y'all are ! Y'all have thought / read / learnt about this, and it really is amazing to read your answsers. Might I add that this kind of insight is *very*, let me rephrase, *extremely* rare in "regular" men (i.e. those who do not dress) ?

Right now, my friend V. is worrying me, not because of his CDing, but because he's showing all the signs of depression and alcohol abuse.

He has a young daughter which he does not see anymore after the divorce. The mother does not give him any news or anything. This is an source of tremendous pain in his life. He has developed such a rage (I'm weighing my words) for this woman, that the hate spread around to all women as well, in his mind.

He has very low self-esteem, he doesn't have many friends and he cannot bear to be alone in life anymore. Yet, he exhibits anti social behavior.

He talks about being violent, not against himself but against others. One day, I felt obliged to write him to "go out and find help with a professionnal", as his e-mail was filled with violent ramblings... I mean, there is a difference between a "cool" dose of nihilism / thrashing society and ramblings that make you think "my friend is not well"... I'm sure you understand what I mean.

And to top this off, he abuses alcohol, which in turns fuels the violence inside.

As a matter of fact, if he does/did dress as "an emotional coping mechanism" as CJ puts it, well, I wish he'd continue, as maybe it would make him feel better, alleviate some of the tension... Then again, he said he hated himself for having these CDing urges, and now, he has to have facial hair on his face because if he shaves too close, he's reminded of his CDing in the mirror and he can't stand it.



I guess I should be careful in putting that "nurse" hat on my head...

[Absaroka]

How much easier in some ways to talk about CDing which after all is just a question of acceptance, rather than alcohol abuse, violence, depression, self loathing and hatred of women, all of which require actual changes in our life if we are to cope with them. His daughter will be a woman someday and I speak from experience that whatever problems we have with women in general will be magnified a hundred fold when that cute little girl becomes an independent woman. And then there is the other 50% of the human population that he has to learn to deal with, none of which will be accomplished while drinking, and all of which will become far worse with the advent of violent behavior.

I would be very cautious about how emotionally involved you get and I would burn the nurses hat. You didn't cause any of this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your friend does need people to care about him but he needs a lot of something else also and you can't provide it. Has it occured to you that some of these issues may have contributed to the divorce rather than being caused by it? Divorce can be very traumatic as can loss of children but they don't usually happen in a vacuum.


Now of course all I've done is read a few emails. I could be totally off base. But you just wrote about a half dozen gigantic red flags in my opinion. The degree of anger and self hate you described earlier in the thread were alarming enough without your last post.

Sorry to be blunt but this is my uninformed opinion.

You might go back in this particular category a ways and read some of the threads started by Jennifer Mu. No disrespect intended towards her in any way but there is much to be learned from reading about some of the ideas that she had trouble coming to terms with in regards to her boyfriends issues with anger, women, and drinking. None of them having anything to do with CDing. Sure CDing can lead to anger and depression but at some point these problems, similar to drinking, can take on a life of their own and must be addressed.

Absaroka

[Kandis]

He has a young daughter which he does not see anymore after the divorce. The mother does not give him any news or anything. This is an source of tremendous pain in his life. He has developed such a rage (I'm weighing my words) for this woman, that the hate spread around to all women as well, in his mind.

If this is the case, and he is entitled to see said child as an order of the court by way of the divorce decree, he can and SHOULD contact his attorney and file contempt of court charges against her. She has NO right to keep him from his daughter UNLESS it is by court order that he is not allowed to see her, then he needs to fix what is wrong and get that order changed.