A closer look at Tri-Ess

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 12:10 pm

Well let me put my $.02 in. I really don't have that much input as I only attended 1 meeting and 1 get together but was treated very well, Would stay active but it's a 7 hour drive to the nearest chapter for me. Now I will say that this group does go out on a regular basic and has many functions with in the area. Hoping the new group I join when we move will be as out going and fun as the old one. My $.02

Carol Ann

Nancy · Post by **Nancy** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 12:11 pm

I have never really understood just what the heck the problem is with Tri-ess? For over 40 years Tri-ess has been there for those that feel they are not a part of the more "open" CD/TG community and for those that are wanting support not only for themselves but the wives, SO's, families, and friends.

Sure they have rules and by-laws and sure they are not for everyone but never once have I seen anyone coming to Tri-ess be refused help. Everyone that comes to Tri-ess looking for support is interviewed and if during that interview it is made clear that the applicatnt would be better supported or conceled else where Tri-ess will direct those individuals to other better suited organizations or where they can get the help they need.

I am sure, at times, things fall between the cracks and someone dosn't get their info packet or those doing the interviews miss something. This happens with every organization.

Ask a CDer that has come out to his wife or SO what was one of her first reactions and you will be told among other things that one of the first questions was ARE YOU GAY? Most of the wives and SO's that I know have told me that the only reason they did agree to come to a meeting with their CD is because Tri-ess is for heterosexuals it is not an open organization. In fact I have met a number of wives that were the ones that got their CDer to come to a meeting not the other way around.

Tri-ess does not in anyway put down any other TG/TS organization or group in fact they work closley with the other groups in the community. In Chicago where I am the Tri-ess chapter I belong to is one of the largest chapters. Many of our members belong to the other open groups and organizations in the area. Our chapter co sponsers the BE ALL with CGS (Chicago Gender Society) each year in June. We have a garden party each July with CGS, we co sponsered or Holiday in Fem dinner and dance with CGS and even have a yearly picnic and vollyball game with CGS. Also Tri-ess has a float and partisipates in the Gay Pride Parade every year. We fully supprot the gals that are working so hard to get laws changed and passed for the entire community.

So what is the beef? We have a dress code and facial hair restrictions and some rules on conduct? Tri-ess puts it all up front about what it is and who it is intended for and because it does countless numbers of CD and their wives, SO's, families and friends have been able to open that closet door and for many even come out.

It's like this board. You have the right to check it out before you join if the topics here do not cover or allow for what you are looking for or are interested in then there are many other boards, forums and lists that one can go on to. It does not make this board not right.

I get the feeling that a lot of people think Tri-ess is a nose up to high, we are better then the rest organization. Well, that just is not so. Tri-ess just like any other organization is always changing and growing and trying to improve upon its self. Not to do so would bring it to an end. There were several more new chapters started this year and the organization is growing because it meets a need.

I hope that I have not ticked anyone off I know this board is not Tri-ess pro but I do belong here only because of the way everyone conducts them selves with respect for each other. If you do not like what you are seeing change the channel. It's what freedom of speech and choice is all about. Tri-ess offers a choice to those that do not feel comfortable or as if they fit in with the open community. Many times after a CD has been out with Tri-ess they find them selves and then go on. We have girls attend our meetings that were once members but are now what we call "friends of" that moved on, some all the way up to post op TS.

Please don't tell me that the ladies of Tri-ess do not support GLBT as I have check stubs that say I have and I know of many of my Tri-ess sisters that could do the same. I also know that Tri-ess has been present at if not all major community events throwing in our support. The Peter Oiler case comes to mind with Winn Dixie. Tri-ess officers and members where there picketing arm and arm with the rest of the community. One of my dearest Tri-ess friends along with many of my other sisters have attended scores of public events and at one such event my friend even had her picture taken with Mayor Dailey.

Say and feel as you will about Tri-ess and I am sure what I have written will be picked apart. But hey take your best shot. The day I called the Tri-ess hot line and a gril answered back I was expecting to get an answering machine that I was going to leave my last words on.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 12:17 pm

Hi Nancy,

What you said won't be picked apart.

Folks have been kind.

I have faith this will continue.

Beauty

Nancy · Post by **Nancy** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 12:37 pm

I really need to say this I know all the members of this forum are great, friendly and respect each other. This is one of my reasons for being here. All I ask is do not read into what I have said anything that is not there. It is how I feel and how I see the issue is all. I know that many do not see Tri-ess as I do and that is fine with me we are all see things in a different light and I just wanted to state mine. I did not and do not want to cause anyone ill feelings.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 12:41 pm

Well said!

Beauty

CJ · Post by CJ » Sun Feb 15, 2004 12:44 pm

Hi Nancy,

As Beauty said, there's no picking apart here. And, as you yourself said, we all have a choice in what we want to participate in, in seeking out what works for us. You may not have gotten this from my own post, but I, for one, am very grateful for the existence of such groups as Tri-Ess, precisely for the reason you stated in your very last sentence--they're there in times of dire need... and they're invaluable in providing both support and information. I just don't have any experience with them. I think I need, at the very least, to go check out their web page in order to see what they're all about.

Love,
CJ

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 1:43 pm

YAY NANCY!!! YAY JULIE!!!!

Beauty

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 2:53 pm

Hey Y'all,
I really like this thread. It shows that we can all have opinions, and voice them, and not get beat down or insulted for what we think or feel.

Julie, I am sorry you didn't get the support you deserve at Tri-Ess. I'm sure there are organizations out there (close to you) that can help. I applaud your efforts to stay true to yourself.

Nancy, I am very happy that you have found comfort in the folks at Tri-Ess. There's no disputing the fact that they're doing wonderful things for gals all over.

I, personally, don't have a relationship with Tri-Ess. There's no local chapter here. (As Carol Ann stated - 7 hrs. away is NOT local) I only have information given to me by others and their website. While i don't agree with some of their rules, i still approve of what they're doing as a whole. Their efforts on a national level will benefit me. I also have to say that I'm not aware of their interview process...and I probably am a TAD BIT closeminded to think that they would not at least redirect those they felt weren't acceptable candidates. That would be the professional thing to do.

My wish is that (since they're nationally recognized) they would be more open to all people. This is my personal hope. My opinion. Nothing more and nothing less. I have this compassion for fairness. It pains me to see others treated unfairly and I sometimes butt in where I don't know all the facts. That's just my nature. And yes, I spend many hours removing my foot from my mouth (yuck, awful taste!)

Well, that's my stance.
Oh, BTW - if they had a local chapter, I'd probably be a member. Who knows, I may still join. I need all the help I can get.

And that's a FACT

Hugs to everyone,
Kyra

Nancy · Post by **Nancy** » Sun Feb 15, 2004 7:01 pm

Kyra wrote:

also have to say that I'm not aware of their interview process...and I probably am a TAD BIT closeminded to think that they would not at least redirect those they felt weren't acceptable candidates. That would be the professional thing to do.

On the National web site for Tri-ess they have links to other supoort groups and when they are contacted by a CD if the CD would be better situated and helped by another group or organization they will refer them to those oher groups.

As for the chapters being regional this is true each chapter is different from the others but all chapters do follow the guidelines set by the National organization.

The Chicago Chapter with over a hundred members does function different from lets say the soon to be Iowa chapter where there are like 12 to 15 members. Some chapters dont make a fuss at all about members with facial hair which is against National policy but still they do allow it.

Believe me National Tri-ess does not have the money or resourses to police all of the chapters and for the most part is there for continuity to tie the chapters together.

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Mon Feb 16, 2004 3:40 am

I'm not picking on anybody nor am I belittling the value of Tri-Ess to many people today or in the past, but someone did ask what's the beef . . .

I'm not so much concerned with little things like beards (although it may make all the difference in the world to some as we have seen here) or inconsistencies between chapters, but rather, Tri-Ess's influence on our society's perception of Transgenders or Crossdressers.

I'll start with a quote from the Tri-Ess home page:

Tri-Ess works hard for a community of transgendered people.

Oh really? How so? They exclude certain people from membership so how does "community" fit in?

A more accurate statement is: "Tri-Ess works hard for a community of hetrosexual crossdressers" or " . . . a segregated community of transgendered people".

Take a look at the GenderPAC/NTAC thread . . . not many people responding, but in this thread we've lot of people helped by Tri-Ess. While obviously not a scientific certainity, even the layman can see that Tri-Ess has a great deal of influence how crossdressing is percieved today -- and that perception is non-hetrosexual crossdresser can be excluded at will.

Its hyprocritical of me to strongly defend gays or gay crossdressers/TG individuals everywhere I go on the net or in my neighborhood (which I do, all the time) only to come here and ignore the elephant right here in our back yard (Tri-Ess).

Its akin to having a private country club that allows only male members (which is their right) -- but we don't have to sit silently (which is my right) as this exclusion goes on.

One gets the feeling that Tri-Ess has chosen to deal only with the easy and less messy aspects of crossdressing (an easier "sell" to members and the public) -- as for the other things, the real tough issues, Tri-Ess simply tells them to get lost.

One would think after 35 years, Tri-Ess would be finding ways to accomodate them into the organization.

Again, Tri-Ess has done wonderful things for many people and should be commended for doing something nobody else was doing back then, but now, we should be concerned -- IMO that exclusion thing HAS TO GO! Members of Tri-Ess should be pressing the national leadership for changes . . .

I very strongly feel this way. With society in general excluding us from many things, we have no business doing any exclusions among ourselves.

I've no problem with people disagreeing with me. I post my opinions/views just so that individuals can do some research on their own and make up their own minds.

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Mon Feb 16, 2004 8:42 am

Nancy, Jane and Frances Fairfax would be very proud of you

It's so enjoyable to hear everyones views and no name calling or spamming $\:D/$ . To all luckers out there this is why the forum is so great. You al' are the best

.

Carol Ann

LeftyRainbow(SO) · Post by **LeftyRainbow(SO)** » Mon Feb 16, 2004 11:41 am

Alexandra,

Since I am a moderator for the GG's here I wanted to bring something back into the light.
It is very important to recognize what Nancy has said about Wives and SO's.

Imagine if you can the women who has been married to her husband for most of her adult life and is now a senior citizen and during his retirement learns of his CDing?
What of all the women who want reassurance that their spouse is not seriously considering a sex change or questioning their sexuality?

Many of the CD's here may not realize this but it is not uncommon to hear about the attempted suicides of the Wives/SO's over the distress of their spouse's sexuality.

These women are not likely to join a group that is all encompassing and that is where Tri-ess comes in.

Tri-ess brings these women together (who would ordinarily have tossed out their spouse because of misunderstanding or would give up trying by way of massive depression and or suicide) and let them talk about common obstacles and try to give each other hope, compassion and understanding.

This forum is unique and positive and full of alot of wives/SO's at stage two of the game .
Acceptance and understanding.
Most of the other forums out there deal with the raw stuff and it is not pretty.
Making Tri-ess accessible and appealing to these GG's at stage one is essential for their mental and sometimes physical health and a successful outcome for most of their families.

Thanks for listening..I just wanted people to know that I've seen many a success story because of the existance of Tri-ess support.

Lefty

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Mon Feb 16, 2004 5:32 pm

Hi Lefty,

No doubt some (many?) SO's may need to be "isolated" from the "raw stuff" until they are ready to cope with the larger picture beyond the initial discovery of finding out their partner is a crossdresser. Steps taken to provide that "isolation" or "safe spot" at Tri-Ess (and as well as here in the SO area) is not a problem.

However, speaking of severe depression, does Tri-Ess's have concern for the SO's of CDs who DO have homosexual tendencies or perhaps a desire to consider a sex change? Shouldn't the mental well being of these SOs worthy of consideration by Tri-Ess as well? Not all of these marriages will end up in failure -- unfortunately up front rejection by Tri-Ess will only complicate matters for that partnership -- and yes, even triggering depression and even suicidal thoughts.

Surely Tri-Ess can find a way to embrace everybody in this community, yet structure itself to serve different needs (like the one Lefty has raised).

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Mon Feb 16, 2004 5:40 pm

Nancy, do you know what the outcome of the Dixie-Winn case? I did a bit of research and ended up at a dead link. The redirect page did not answer this question: Did he get his job back?

Marilyn · Post by **Marilyn** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 8:34 pm

leftyrainbow(SO) wrote: Tri-ess brings these women together (who would ordinarily have tossed out their spouse because of misunderstanding or would give up trying by way of massive depression and or suicide) and let them talk about common obstacles and try to give each other hope, compassion and understanding.

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Making Tri-ess accessible and appealing to these GG's at stage one is essential for their mental and sometimes physical health and a successful outcome for most of their families.

No offense, Lefty, but I agree with Alexandra...

I think we all agree that what you say above is true, however, why can they not take it a step farther and offer "Branches" for the other areas of the CD/TG community?

These "Branches" could operate independently of the original organization, and yet the Tri-Ess organization - as a whole - would be supportive of all CDs. I think it would also present a more united front (if you will) to anyone who would question the causes/motives of a person who crossdresses.

I have not visited Tri-Ess' home page, for quite some time, but assuming Alexandra quoted correctly, then I believe their statement of 'working hard for the Transgendered community' to be a false statement. They are doing nothing for the Transgendered community. And only partially working for the Crossdressing one.

I have read a lot of posts discussing how nice it would be to not have to worry about society, and what they might think. But, at this point, the most recognizable group for crossdressers, is a "closed shop" to many of us. It would be in our best interest to have an organization that stood up for the complete CD/TG/TS community, and was out there getting recognition amongst the masses.

Hugs.