Personnel low point

[Jill S]

Not looking for advice, I simply have to let some of this out and have nowhere else to go. Usual story I'm 49 have been dressing and repressing for as long as I can remember. Told my wife a few years ago that I'm a transvestite. She wants nothing to do with "my problem" and I understand. She prays it will be cured someday. I have been taking a natural mood stabilizer (St. Johns Wort) for a few weeks and feel it starting to flatten my emotions out some but the noise of "you should have been born female" won't completely go away. I have a chance to dress about 2 hours each week but I find that it isn't quieting the noise as much as it did in the past. I watched the rerun of Oprah with the TS families and was in tears. I know if I go any farther than dressing way deep in the closet I will lose my wife, daughter and my job. I feel that being TV.TS,TG or whatever I am is a cruel joke played on me by nature, I'm not strong enough for this, I want to be a boring normal male but I'm no good at that either. If I had any writing skills I would pen a book "How not to be transgendered" . Sorry for the ramble but any tiny bit of relief is a good thing today.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Jill,

I have been there. I know just how you feel. It can feel like a punishment, being transgendered that is. We are forced to make impossible decisions without knowing the outcome, in hopes that we might find some kind of happiness. I feel for you, but I can not advise you. It's just a tough situation. Good luck.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Jill,

I know you just need to let off some steam. Do so, by all means. I know you're not looking for advice, here, but just know that coming here to let off some steam is a good thing. We can be all ears (and all heart) when we need to.

Only one thing I want to say: Don't despair. In stormy weather it may seem like you'll never be able to dry your weary bones but it's always the case that stormy weather cannot last. Take what nourishment you can from the rain, as you will from the sun once it comes back out.

Love and hugs and affection,
CJ

[Virginia]

Hi Jill,

As my sisters have said, please tell us how you feel. That is what we are here for, to listen and if asked to comment. You know from being a member of our sorority you are not alone. Not alone not only in how you feel but in how those around you react to you. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for us before the internet.

Anyway, you know you have friends here and some of us lay claim to the "been there done that" so just ask if you need to or as CJ has said, just putting it down in writing can be a big help!

Love ya, and keep us in the loop, dear!

Virginia

[SandiAnne]

Jill -
You said that if you had writing skills you may write a book on "how not to be transgendered."
Hon, you DO have writing skills. We have read your remarks and were moved enough to respond. Pick up ANY highly regarded book and open it to any page. Close your eyes and point to a spot on a page. Read the sentence that your finger touches. I'll bet it isn't flowery prose. It is rarely the words themselves, but the ideas behind the words that make writing special. You have demonstrated to us that you can (and did) write.
Hang in there. You are with a sorority of friends.

Sandianne

[Jill S]

Thank you all for your kind support. Today I just feel numb and drained of emotions. Have to drive about 7 hours today so I better get going.

[Diannna]

Jill,
I agree with the other girls. Don't dispair. I'm sure better days are just around the corner. Please ramble on when you feel the need. We are hear to listen.

[JoAnnDallas]

Been there, done, and got the t-shirt. Back in 2005, I had been CDing off and on since I was 8-9 years old. I got hit with the Pink Fog. I realized then that I had been in denial and could no longer tolerate that. So I told my wife of almost 25 years. She was not happy but did allow me some time to dress. So I would dress a little here and a little there. This was causing my stress levels to rise. Then one day in 2008 we came face-to-face and she decided to accept my CDing and since then has become supportive too. Since she has helped me with my warddrove, my makeup, and presentation. We even go out together now.
I fully feel my wife had a preconceived notion what a CDer was and how they looked. When we came face-to-face, I think she realized that I was not trying to look like a Drag Queen or a Hooker but what a normal 60 year old woman would look like. She has even told me lately that I pass very well, since when we go out in the pulbic with me dressed everyone we meet preceives me as a female.

[Jill S]

I'm happy for you Joann, being able to share this part of your life with the one you love must be a huge relief. I know that will not happen for me, my wife is the love of my life and I will do whatever I must to not endanger our relationship. She is somewhat Homophobic in the true meaning, not bigoted but she has a fear of any lesbian thoughts or actions on her part. I think seeing me dressed as a women would be a blow to her self image as a very straight proper woman.

[Andi L]

Jill, I understand what you are going through as I have been down that path for 43 years with my wife. I have learned to cope by reminding myself what a special person she is and how I do not want to cause her any pain or grief. I have to also remind myself often of all the blessings I have and how good life is in spite of my personal "feminine" burden. Life in total is really very special and I can't afford to let the "pink fog" control me. For me it is a huge and constant battle but I have managed through it.

I pray that you will manage through it also and be able to see the beauty of life around you and deeply love those people in your life.

[PattiG]

I fully feel my wife had a preconceived notion what a CDer was and how they looked. When we came face-to-face, I think she realized that I was not trying to look like a Drag Queen or a Hooker but what a normal 60 year old woman would look like.

Yes. The original poster told their spouse they were a "transvestite". Such words bring up an emotional image that may not fit. What the OP meant by "transvestite" and what the wife sees as the image could be quite different.

There are powerful, colorful words associated with us and it can be important to chose the right ones to communicate.

A lot of CDers (or TGers) would not want to be called a transvestite even though the dictionary definition might fit.

Best wishes,

Patti

[Anita]

Hi Jill--
It is indeed a tough situation, and you will need to be sure-footed as you go about facing it. You have us on your side, and maybe that's going to have to be your starting point for support. It can be hard to find support in the real world where you live. Your wife, daughter, and co-workers may have strong opinions about how things should be, but that doesn't help you decide what will work for you in the long run. I hope you can find support for yourself as you work through this.

[Absaroka]

Jill I'm sorry to hear that you are so discouraged lately. I am reading over what you said about your wife being the love of your life. You are indeed very fortunate to have found someone like that, so many do not. I fully understand your desire not to sabotage the joy that your marriage brings you.

For many of us the desire to wear women's clothing does not go away even if it is dormant at times, sometimes for long times. Personally I find that other aspects of my life situation sometimes make the desire stronger. And so there is a balancing act that is difficult. Some men play golf or fish and desert their wives for a few hours while they do this. We do something less socially acceptable, but except for what is a murky area of deceit we aren't hurting anyone.

I would like to be more open with my wife about my dressing. She knows a little and is not interested in knowing more. I think she would feel it was an imposition. So if I say that after rehearsal I am going to go for a midnight stroll in the woods, I leave out that I'll be wearing a dress. I keep the clothes out of sight and no one has any ideas. Another word for this is lying by ommision. I like to think my motives are good but it bothers me.

However I find that if I visualize sitting around the house in a dress with her the whole idea is unappealling. This is my little private thing. Everyone has a secret side, mines just a bit more odd than most. You didn't ask for these feelings and you seem to be doing your very best to handle them in a way that will cause the least harm.

I didn't dress much all summer. I never do, the family is home and it's too hot anyway. Sometimes i miss it. I try to be greatful for the time I do have to dress and more so for the family that I have. After all there are lots of people without family or anything to wear except rags who would envy us deeply.

hang in there
Absaroka

[Lucy Michelle]

I do agree that it can be a cruel trick.

Little more to add except to offer a ((hug)) if you need it.

[Stephanie W]

Hi Jill

I hope you are feeling a little better today. I can only imagine how disheartening your situation must feel. Repressing such strong feelings are a big sacrifice to anyone's emotional well being and if only she knew (or cared to know) what this kind of sacrifice means to a TG person, she'll realize just how much you love her. Perhaps if you can help her understand, she could reciprocate and begin some dialogue towards some kind of compromise. A healthy relationship can't survive without it.

At the very least, you;ll always have friends here willing to listen.

Hang in there Jill and best of luck to you.

Stephanie