Personnel low point

[Jill S]

I wish I could say things are better but whatever part of me wants to be female won't let up. If I had no family I am pretty sure I would be living as a female by now. I know others have said they pushed this feeling away for years at a time, please tell me how. My former mechanisms; cross dressing and just keeping my mind busy aren't working so well lately. If I lose my wife and daughter over this I'm not sure I can go on. I have another hour to myself and I am going to dress up and relax as much as I can before going back to the joke that is my life.

[KimberlyS]

Hang in there Jill. I will pray for understanding on your wife's part. Early on in working through the CDing issues with my wife I tried to point out my more feminine traits that I had and always had. Did not go over well at first. But over time she realized she married me for many of my feminine traits. She just did not think of them as feminine.

[Anita]

Jill wrote:

I know others have said they pushed this feeling away for years at a time, please tell me how.

Jill, I'm sorry to hear that things do not seem better right now. I, too, have heard others say they pushed these feelings away for years, usually when they were younger than say, 35.

Thing is, Jill, if someone has been successful at suppressing the feelings, then I (and we) don't hear about it. There have been people who have come to the forums I go on, and they say, "That's it. I'm quitting. Goodbye." Then we never hear from them again. I've compared it to being in Alcoholics Anonymous--if you're staying clean and sober, you aren't going to come back around to the neighborhood bar and talk about it with your former companions.

I have read online accounts where someone started to resolve the issue in some way, and then backed off to save the marriage. Eventually they had to resume the process; the longest I know of was a five-year holdout.

Again, this is biased. It's the ones who get on with the process who keep the websites updated, because they have a story they want to tell. If there are successful ones who "bite the bullet" and go back to suppressing it, I'm not reading about it. Their websites are usually four or five years out of date, if they're still up. Were they successful? I don't know.

I helped a web friend find a Christian site for CDers, and I have read the posts. The posters were sincere, thoughtful people. It seems like that would be one of the places where you would find examples of people who are struggling to put this all behind them in the way that you're asking for here.

I will say that in my reading of those posts, I do not remember coming across any that claimed ultimate success at suppressing CDing. I am not trying to be cynical about Christian beliefs by writing that, and I can't claim I was able to read all of the posts. This is a hard subject to write about, since many people turn to spiritual support to deal with major problems in their lives.

If you have an interest in finding the site, send me an email.

[DonnaT]

I know others have said they pushed this feeling away for years at a time, please tell me how.

Actually, they don't push it away for years at a time. They do what you have been doing, fighting it.

There are some for whom the gender dysphoria my go into hibernation for periods at a time, but it's not because they pushed it away.

If one can push it away without breaking down mentally and/or physically, then good for them. But many are not able to do that, because their dysphoria is a bit stronger than other's or their will power isn't as strong.

In some cases, they rent a hotel room for a day, say they are going out to run a few errands, or some other excuse, and go to the hotel and dress.

For some, however, the crossdressing gives them no relief. They either continue to fight it, like you are, or give in to transitioning.

Whatever you do, don't give up on living.

[CJ]

Whatever you do, don't give up on living.

Love,
CJ

[Sylvia H]

Anita,

IMHO
There are plenty of "Christians" who are non exclusionary
See http://www.sevenstraightnights.org/ as but one example.
I can understand how the loudmouth pseudo Christians get all the attention.
Unfortunately there does exist this Christian stereotype which is just as annoying as the racial , transgender, ethnic , etc ones we are more familiar with.

Jill:
My heart goes out to you, as I have been through similar periods of feeling between a rock and a hard place. I obviously cant get in your head to see what gears are turning, as with many of my friends and aquaintences. But having a support network to help work it out is better than having none. In my case suppression was a matter of long term habit. A 50 year one. I'm adjusting (slowly) and I refuse to go crazy for anyone. One has to answer to ones self ultimately. You sound like one who has the fortitude, perhaps you just need a convenient spot to jump on the train so to speak .


May you find resolution soon!

xox
Sylvia

[Anita]

Hi Sylvia--
I wasn't trying to say that all Christians are biased against transgender. I personally know Christian people who aren't. What I was saying to Jill was that this particular website was trying to put in practice what she was asking for in her post. I also wanted her to know that it was religious in nature--not everyone is open to that approach.

There are probably some secular sites out there that try to do the same function, but I'm not aware of them.

[Jill S]

Thanks Anita, I think if there is a site on the web dealing with CD/TS/TV I have probably checked it out. I think Donna is right, I will just have to keep taking it one day at a time and resist the noise in my head. Today I have the house to myself and will be making breakfast in a skirt,blouse and painted nails. I know I will pay for this small break from "Real Life" with some guilt later but I'm not sure how to get by without them. Today at least is a Calm day so far. Thank you all for looking out for me with kindness.

[Absaroka]

Jill I am not really transgendered, I just have non mainstream feelings about clothes. And maybe I am way off the mark here, in which case I apologize. Please understand I am trying to be helpful to you, and if what I say doesn't feel correct to you please just discard it.

You talk a lot about wanting to be a woman. In then in your last post you say that because you have a few hours to yourself you'll be in the kitchen with skirt blouse and painted nails.

I know what my wife, who is all woman, would be doing if she had the house to herself, or even if we are home, because we are family. If she was cooking she would be in sweats and her nails would be the last thing on her mind. She'd probably be thinking of what she might be making us for dinner later or of what time she needed to drive our daughter somewhere. She would also probably be thinking that she wouldn't shower till after she went for a walk with a friend. If it was Sunday she'd be annoyed that on Monday she had to wear a dress and makeup to go to work. She'd be thinking about her job as a teacher and how she can be of help to her students.

The point here is that being feminine, being a woman, is not about the clothes. It is often about a way of relating to people, society, and the world, for a variety of reasons, both societal and biological.

Yes if you really are female inside living as something or someone you are not, namely a male, can make you desparately crazy and depressed. But if you are merely a man with a lot of female tendencies, which I am in some ways, the question is how can you express this side of yourself in socially acceptable ways. If you feel, like I do, that you have a strong nurturing streak (one of those "female" personality traits) how can you nurture people? If you are emotional, how can you express this? If you are artistic or dramatic or just sensitive to other people in a way that many men are not, what can you do with this. In short how can you express your "feminine" side in ways that are socially acceptable?

Because here's the kicker. Most men who are merely cross dressers and not truly transgendered don't just look like men in dresses, they act like men in dresses too. The quintessential example has been discussed over and over again by folks who transitioned. They go to a tri ess meeting with their spouses where dinner is served. After dinner the men sit around talking about expressing their feminine side while the women go into the kitchen and do the dishes. And once in a while there is a person in a male body who feels more like who they really are when they go into the kitchen to do the dishes. They could have done the dishes just as easily in a suit and tie or jeans and a flannel shirt.

I don't know you very well even by the standards of electronic forums. And as I said earlier, maybe I am completely off base in all my comments. But perhaps it would be helpful to look inward and figure out if this is about being a woman or about donning the symbols of womanhood, namely the clothes and make up and stuff. Which for me is a manly heterosexual thing to do. As opposed to the womanly things I did when my daughters were children, like walking them to the bus stop or making them snacks when they came home, or welcoming their friends after school and making sure they all did their homework and making them dinner and listening to them complain about school. Or on weekends taking my daughters hiking with their girlfriends and trying to explain mysterious things like boys to them while making sure they ate enough and enjoyed their time with mother nature. Or when my wife got home sitting with her by the fire rubbing her feet while she unwound from a hard day and we were both in our sweats. And when we had sex sometimes sometimes she helped me enjoy my liking for lingerie by wearing something she knew I'd like. Because as much as I like wearing lingerie I like her wearing it also. As much as I like wearing a dress I like watching her wear a nice dress. I like the feeling of the dress next to me when she is wearing it just like I like the feel of the dress on me. I like the look of her in her bra just like I like the feel of the bra on me. Like a lot of men, I like watching a woman get dressed almost as much as I like watching her get undressed.

Oh yeah and sometimes I get in touch with something inside myself that's really mostly male which involves me wearing womens clothing and fantasing that I am a woman having sex with a man in a way that my wife doesn't like to have sex. And guess what? The man in my fantasy is always me. And because of those associations, and because I started doing this as a kid when it was forbidden, dressing up gives me an endorphin rush that makes me feel peaceful, like my clothes are giving me a hug, and when I am alone and dressed all is right with the world and I wish I could do this always. A lot like on a cold winter morning I wish I could stay in bed and cuddle with my wife all morning.

So maybe you are really a woman. Maybe something happened with your hormones or your genes and living as a man is a lie and not who you are, and maybe you can make peace with it and maybe you can't. Or maybe you are guy who likes to wear womens clothing sometimes, nothing more, and you like to think of this as getting in touch with the woman within because that's how we talk about these things because some how saying I'm really a woman in a mans body or I'm getting in touch with my feminine side is more sympathetic and less wierd than saying I am a man who likes to wear a bra and panties. Because if you were really a woman, by your age you'd be thanking God for your tiny masculine breasts which freed you from the need to wear a bra.

Society gives us a very warped sense of what is masculine and feminine. I remember a woman in her early 30's once telling me that she could not imagine anything less feminine than pregnancy! She'd been taught that feminine was dainty and thin and sexy. Well pregnancy is pretty sexy to a lot of men but it sure ain't dainty or thin. Men don't get pregnant (recent news notwithstanding) but many couple speak of "we are pregnant" Men don't nurse but they care for and support their wife while she nurses and of course they can bottle feed the baby. All very "feminine".

Oh and the stereotypical mincing bitchy hairdresser? We say he's effeminate but he's not. He's acting like a typical AGGRESIVE male. We just call him femme because we are afraid of him. He's all man; we're just afraid he wants to do with us what we do to women. We are afraid he wants to make us women so we label his mannerisms feminine. Nonsense!

So anyway Jill I hope none of this was hurtful and that you did not take offense at anything. You are in a lot of pain and I am hoping maybe I can suggest some questions that may shed light on something. In any event I hope you are able to find a way to become the person you really are, which is the person that God created you to be. God thinks on a very different level than us, far more cosmic, and I suspect that when it comes to what we are wearing the only things God would be interested in would be along the lines of if we saw someone who was naked, would we give them some of our clothes. The man who gives his dress to the naked one comes out looking better than the man in a suit and tie who gives nothing.

Hang in there

Absaroka

[Jill S]

No offence taken, I ask myself all the same questions and wish this would all go away. I think by definition I am a cross dressers or Transvestite, but I'm not sure that a very solid line exists between CD,TV,and TS . I feel that many who are gender variant want a solid place to stand and some of us are just lost. I know I am male, I know I can never be female but that isn't stopping the mental ping pong match that goes on in my head everyday. I just want some kind of peace.