I'm going to tell her

Tammy R · Post by **Tammy R** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:00 pm

Hi folks.

I have not posted in a very long time, and even then I did not post much, but it's just getting to be too much.

I'm going to tell my wife again and make it clear that I need to do this. I need to dress in feminine clothing, own my own women's clothing and purchase some things openly with my credit card.

I'm just not sure if I am approaching the subject right, and I truly would like her to join with the SO people and gain some insight. Any suggestions, would be most appreciated.

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:38 pm

Hi, Tammy -

I'm glad that you've decided to let your SO know about Tammy. I suggest you read the following before you talk with her:

THE OFFICIAL: How to Tell Your Wife - A Manual of Love
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=107

You need to have firm, honest answers for all her questions. Talk with your wife, not to her. Have information (websites, books, etc.) available for her to read at her convenience, our forum is a good place to start. Please remember that your wife has the right not to accept Tammy; if that is the case, you do not have the right to make her feel guilty for having those thoughts and feelings, for those are hers and she is entitled to them.

You must be willing to compromise, and remember that compromise is a 2-way street. Do not start demanding things, don't issue ultimatums, and don't give in to ultimatums or blackmail, either.

Our motto here is, "Baby steps, honey; baby steps." Take things one baby step at a time, don't push her, and be ready to accept that boundaries may be placed on your dressing. If/when she's ready to accept more, she'll let you know!

Your wife is more than welcome to join the Forum, where she can chat with other SO's and CD's, too. We also have a section of the forum that is off-limits to the CD's, so she could post in private.

Good luck!!

- SL

Tammy R · Post by **Tammy R** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:18 pm

SilverLady,

Thank you ever so much for the kind thoughts and the advice. I will read everything I can to help this go smoothly. Actually, this will not be a cold start, since I did come out to her about 10 years ago. At that time, it was too much too fast and, honestly, it was a disaster. I am older and wiser now, and hopefully better informed about myself.

Kind regards,

Tammy

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:33 pm

Good luck Tammy.

A ten year cooling off period may be of help getting your SO to understand how hard things have been for the past few years.

Andi L · Post by **Andi L** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 1:43 am

Tammy, I'm saying a little prayer for you and your wife in hopes you can establish some mutual ground on the situation. Grab onto any progress if it comes and use that as a foundation to build on. SilverLady and DonnaT have some good points to be mindful of. Please let us know how things turn out.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:36 am

Hi Tammy,

I know my sisters here have given you sage advice and you do not seem to be ignorant to the fact that too much, too soon can be detrimental. I have a habit of being the odd person out on this subject, on many occasions have perhaps ranted a little more than is appropriate.

All I really want to say is that when it comes time to negotiate, don't accept terms you can not accept. Just as she has a right not to accept this, you have a right to be who you are. It's about knowing what you can live with and what you can't.

If in the past you told her, she threw a fit and you dropped the matter, then from her perspective, that strategy worked. Only you know what you can live with. Only she knows what she can live with. Sometimes posturing can get in the way of a successful negotiation. By knowing what you can live with, this frees you to give her everything you can.

I have always taken the position, in any negotiation, that I want to give the other person everything I can. I don't hold back and try to get more because I think they may give it. Instead I give everything I can and never give what I can't.

If you are at a point in your life where you want to live as the person you are, and are willing to work with her, you could just end up getting what you need. However, be aware, that if your needs are inflexible, relationships can and do end over crossdressing. Good luck.

Love always,
Elizabeth

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:53 am

Mos tof you know my background. At first my wife was not accepting or supportive. It has only been in the last 6-8 months that she decided to accept me as a TG/CD, support me, go out with me, and join my Tri-Ess group. It took a long time, over 2 years in fact to get to where I am at today. So do not expect quick results. Honest communication, negotiation, andd compromise is the key here. Remember don't expect instant results. Even today I make little compromises with my wife.

Tammy R · Post by **Tammy R** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 5:13 am

Donna, I truly hope so. Thank you.

Andi, Thank you. Much appreciated.

Elizabeth, And thank you. Our relationship is strong, and we both give and take. She is a wonderful woman, but I think everyone here can accept that having her husband say to her that he loves wearing a dress might be a bit shocking.

JoAnn, You have no idea how much hope your struggle has given me. Thank you.

Ladies, I have not found the courage yet to tell her, but I am working up to it. It will be this week sometime, I am sure. I'm pretty scared right now, but just as determined.

Tammy

CJ · Post by CJ » Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:37 am

My thoughts are with you on this one, Tammy. I wish you well.

Love,
CJ

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:58 am

Hi Tammy--
I can't tell you not to be scared. It sounds like you know that you need for things to change. There is courage that goes with that kind of determination.

Tammy R · Post by **Tammy R** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:23 pm

Because I am much more focused when I write, I wrote it to her in an Email, but before you think of this as a cop-out, know that I was standing next to her when she read it. My knees were shaking. My wonderful wife took it in stride. She knew that something was eating at me, and I think she feared something worse. I asked her if she was mad and she said, "No, not at all." Perhaps it helps that it was not our first time though this.

I am so relieved that I have gotten this off my chest. One baby step behind us. Thank you all for your kind words and support. I look forward to paying it forward someday. Here is the text of my email.

kind regards,
Tammy

B,

I am a cross-dresser and I love wearing women's clothing. This is something very important to me and all I ask is your tolerance. I have tried to suppress it but I don't want to fight it anymore and I don't want to do it behind your back.

Neither will I force my dressing on you. You will from time to time see me in panties or find some of my clothes, but I will try to minimize that.

I love you so much. I will always love you.

J

Amelie-Laveau · Post by **Amelie-Laveau** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:02 pm

That's a very good step Tammy,, good luck and I hope for the best for you.

That's all i can say to ya, i can't give any marital advise,, never been there.

CJ · Post by CJ » Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:16 pm

Great e-mail, Tammy. Bravo!

You said it right. This is you; this is important to you; yet you made her know that you love her and always will. Now, in a way, the ball is in her court. Be patient. But don't wait another ten years for the next step. Above all, make sure you both reserve some space in your day or in your week to talk, and listen, to each other in regards to your respective feelings. Your SO seems like a good-hearted gal; treat her accordingly.

Keep us posted, if you wish.

Love,
CJ

Tammy R · Post by **Tammy R** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:14 am

Amelie - Thank you. The road ahead is long, but I am walking towards the sun. I can tell you that marriage is a wonderful thing for the most part, although it takes a good measure of compromise.

CJ - Thank you also. B is a great lady, and funny you should mention it, but we actually do try to sit and talk each weekend over a leisurely breakfast. We have another hobby that I shall not go into, but it also requires a great deal of two way communication.

kind regards,
Tammy

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:37 am

The next test will be the first time she sees you dressed. I remember the first time my wife saw me fully dressed. She was a little shocked but relieved at the same time. She had a preconcieved idea on how a CD dressed and when she saw what I was wearing, I could see the surpise in her eyes. She has never told me but I think she thought CDer dressed like a over-tht-top DQ. Instead she saw dress in an outfit where I would blend in and most people would not take much notice of me.

Crossdressers-Haven.com

I'm going to tell her

I'm going to tell her

I did it