Things change

[Jennifer M]

Over these past months I have noticed a change in me.The days of me hating who I am have dropped to almost zero.I am liking who I am more and more.I find that even at work I am letting myself be who I am.I will never tell them about Jennifer but my behavior is truer to my inner self .They have some fun at my expense at time but I dont let it get to me.As Jeff or Jennifer my life is getting better,I am truly finding myself and I like it.

This confuses me and even scares me a little.For 47 years all I have known is self hate and a lack of self worth.I never expected these positive changes to happen and I am not really sure how to react to them.Its like I have become another person ,only this time it is my true self.The lonliness is becoming the big battle now and even that is not as bad as it was.I am not sure if I am just getting used to it or that in finding myself I am finding peace.Most likely a little of both.

My family still ignores me unless one of their cars are broken and that stills bothers me an awful lot.Its just something else to work on.I am thankful for this forum and all the wonderful people here.I am certain I would never had made it this far without you.Lets hope the trend continues.

[DonnaT]

The days of me hating who I am have dropped to almost zero.I am liking who I am more and more.

[Andi L]

Jennifer, I'm happy that you feel better about your situation. I hope things continue to improve for you.

So my question is, can you identify any reason, event, reflection, etc. that helped you see things in a different light?? Any explanation?? I'm just curious because I'm still stuck in the rut of the former you that you described and I don't have a clue how to get out.

P.S. I sympathize with you. I have a wife and 5 adult children and it seems they all need money or have something broken needing repair all the time. I think I'm the only name in their phone book. Nobody ever calls just to check on me, to ask "How are you doing Dad?" so understanding the rest of me is out of the question. No self pity allowed here, so I'll just go put on my nightie and snuggle in my blankie and life will go on.

[Elizabeth]

Jennifer,

I remember when that happened to me. It's is a great feeling to look in the mirror and like the person you see looking back at you. Especially if it has not really happened before.

Remember that feeling and hold on to it. It will give you strength and courage in future trying times.

I am very happy for you and find it very uplifting to see you turn this corner. Totally put a smile on my face.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Rikki]

First: Jenn, I'm so happy to hear that you are doing great! I worry about everyone, even my online friends I've never met.

Second: Do you and Andi think you're the only ones with "tech/financial support" written on your chest? Every phone call I recieve from one of my brood begins with, "Dad, I have a question..." To which I reply, "How much?"

It's a beautiful day! Sun's out; Rikki's in a skirt, blouse, petticoat, and heels! All the best!

[Absaroka]

Jenn I'm glad to hear you are feeling so much better about who you are.

Absaroka

[Jennifer M]

Andi L,
There isnt a specific moment that I can recall where I had turned a corner.As with everything else I think that the small steps forward are begining to add up and make a difference.
I believe what has helped me most is being so alone. (C.J's post's have been especailly helpful in this department.) I have been able to look inside and find who I really am,not the person others want me to be.I am at the point now where what others think have very little impact on me.It hasnt been easy and I doubt I am out of the woods,I just try to keep moving forward,one small step at a time.

[Andi L]

Jennifer, thanks for sharing. Again, I'm so happy for you being able to accept yourself and move forward. Know that we are here if you ever find yourself down and want a sympathetic ear.

[Andi L]

....Second: Do you and Andi think you're the only ones with "tech/financial support" written on your chest? .......

I'm sorry Rikki, I didn't mean to make myself out as a super special person/parent. I'm sure there are lots of parents here whose kids depend on them - as it should be and I gladly accommodate for mine. I was only lamenting after

.....My family still ignores me unless one of their cars are broken and that stills bothers me an awful lot.Its just something else to work on....

that my kids only seem to need me when they have issues like Jennifer's does. And maybe that's also the way it has to be. I can live with it. Kudos to all parents who stand by their kids through thick and thin throughout their kids lives. No sympathy requested just sharing my feeling.

[Anita]

Hi Jennifer--
Certainly I'd be grateful for the change, and I'd also be puzzling it out, trying to figure why all the pieces were suddenly fitting together better.
Bottom line is that they are, and you're benefitting. Thanks for letting us know.

[Rikki]

Andi,
I wasn't being critical ... I was offering a hug and saying you're not alone in that department! Ain't life grand? gotta love it!

[CJ]

Hi all,

Glad to read what I'm reading here, Jennifer. First you get a toehold on who you are--even if loved ones have let go of your hand--then you get a foothold, then... well, you get the picture.

I'm glad you're part of this big wide world, Sis.

Love,
CJ

[Tammy R]

Jennifer,

I think learning to like yourself is an obstacle many of us face and I am happy at reading your account. I have this test that I do for myself. I look directly into the eyes of the person in the mirror and ask that person "are you worthy of your many blessings?" All too often the answer is no.

I guess it is a state of mind that one must reach in order to accept one's self as is, yet strive to curtail those destructive behaviors that we all tend to exhibit from time to time.

Thank you for your insights.