THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[Kay]

There was a 17th century French priest who tried to reform the prostitutes of Paris by teaching them analytic geometry.



He was the first man to put Descartes before the whores!

[SilverLady(SO)]

::groan::

Oh, Kay, that is *so* bad, if this was the "Banned" thread I would ban you just for the joke!!

(Hugs)

- SL

[Carolynn]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar'.

[Carolynn]

A Native American friend forwarded this to me ... really funny!

> The Indian With One Testicle
>
> There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
> and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
> name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
>
> After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
> cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
> again I will kill them!'
>
> The word got around and nobody called
> him that any more.
>
> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
> forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
> jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into
> the forest where he made love to her all day and
> all night. He made love to her all the next day,
> until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>
> The word got around that Onestone meant what
> he promised he would do. Years went by and no
> one dared call him by his given name until A woman
> named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
> away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's< /SPAN> cousin, was
> overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
> and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
>
> Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
>
> then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
> night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
> her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
>
>
> Why ???
>
> >
> OH, come on... take a guess !!!
>
>
> Think about it !!!
>
>
> You're going to love this !!!
>
>
> Everyone knows...

> You can't kill Two Birds
> with OneStone !!!

[DonnaT]

The Nun Golfer..........

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses;

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible
about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it
was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was
hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground
after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in
its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.

"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt,
Didn't you?"

[Carolynn]

(I used to teach outdoor investigation techniques to detectives. I was impressed with their rather macabre sense of humor. While very punny, this one reminds me of them.)

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

--
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Virginia's response: ::groan::

SL's response: At least you posted this in the correct thread!


((Hugs))

- SL

[Carolynn]

After years of fighting over the same thing, an elderly couple just snapped. The wife got tired of the husband using the remote to flip through channels during dinner, instead of talking to her. So she picked up a spice rack, slamming it down on her husband's head and shattering a jar of MSG on his forehead.

Enraged, he slammed the remote onto his wife's head. The force of the blow was so strong that the remote shattered and embedded a AAA battery in the side of the old woman's skull. Both promptly suffered heart attacks, and they keeled over dead.

So, two uniformed cops walk in on this mess, and the hardened veteran leans over to appraise the gruesome scene. His young partner asked, "What do you think happened?"

The older cop said, "Well, I'm pretty sure that's a salt, and that's a battery."

Hmmm, both spicy and electrifying!! Such a great plot for a book!!

[SilverLady(SO)]

V says: ::groan::

SL says: ::double groan::

We don't know about you, Carolynn!!

((Hugs))

- SL

[Carolynn]

OOOOOh, a chance for more PUN-ishment!!!

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

25. Irving Bloch (pronounced Block in the USA) had a son nicknamed Chip who shared his father's penchant for writing horror stories. Issac Asimov stated that the son was a "Chip off the old Bloch".


So There!! Was it as good for you as it was for me?

[Carolynn]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the guy is impressed and thinks she is just so sweet.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed and slightly in awe of her business sense.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection ! of what to do with them.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Think about this . . .

Back in 1990, the U.S. Government seized the Mustang Ranch Brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.

Now, you are trusting the economy of your country AND 700+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that don't make you nervous, what does?!!



- SL

[Elizabeth]

Think about this . . .

Back in 1990, the U.S. Government seized the Mustang Ranch Brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.

Now, you are trusting the economy of your country AND 700+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that don't make you nervous, what does?!!



- SL

That's funny. I remember in the 70's when everyone wanted to Nationalize the oil companies because of the high price of gasoline. Then President Ford said that if you think gas is expensive now, you don't want to see how expensive it would be if the US government ran it. He then said "If the US government made beer, it would cost $50 a six pack".

But yes, I share your concern. We are in deep trouble here and no one seems to know what to do about it. History tells us that we can not spend our way out, even though that is what every government facing this has tried to do. It will end with massive inflation and the collapse of the dollar and a prolonged depression. It is indeed a worrisome time.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[SilverLady(SO)]

No Speak English


A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request and, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.

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What were you thinking?


Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!


I don't know about you sometimes!



- SL

[DonnaT]