my secet revealed

[Ashley]

I found this website the other night when I was feeling as low as I could imagine. My wife of 10 years never had any idea of my desire to cross dress until this past Friday - and all of my concerns and fears were realized in a few short hours.

After reading many of the posts and seeing what looks like a strong network of support I am going to share this tragic story. I am part of this community in the fact that I have an incredible desire to dress as a woman - it is to the point that I wear pantyhose, panties and a bra Mon - Fri - I find a couple hours 2 - 3 days a week where I can put on a dress and heels and enjoy wearing these clothes. I will never pass as a woman and honestly I am ok with this I just want to be able to wear the clothes that I enjoy so much. But that is not reality so I ride or sit in the car cross dressed and wish I looked like the women I see during the ride. I want so badly to be able to just go shopping or go for a walk while dressed. I don't have the "balls" to do this so I have devised ways over the past 6 months to force myself into public for at least a few minutes - the emotional rush is indescribable.

The way I have been doing this "the deviant side of me" is that I place a key to a set of handcuffs and shackles in a public area (near a bench, doorway or stairwell) in a local shopping center. I park across the parking lot and work up the nerve to lock the ankle cuffs and hand cuffs behind my back. Once the last click is made there is no way out without getting the key and I purposefully lock my hands behind me to eliminate driving away. I work up the nerve to make the walk and get the key and then get the heck out of there. I have started doing this more and more and I simply cant stop the desire to be in the open while dressed.

It all came to an end Friday night - I placed the key to the cuffs next to an employee door and went to the car as normal, changed into my outfit and finally locked the cuffs on. It was after dark so it was not as intimidating as it is during the day but still exciting. I worked up the nerve and started my walk to the key (about 100 yds). when I got to the doorway I could not find my key and went directly into panic mode. I was in total shock just staring at the empty doorway. I decided to head back to the safety of the car to regroup when the employee door opened and 3 ladies came out of the doorway laughing and asking if I lost something. I begged them for the key and they just kept laughing and making jokes. they finally stopped and said they had no intention of giving me the key and to have a nice night. They walked back inside and left me standing there. I made it back to the car and just sat there for over an hour - I was completely helpless locked in a dress and 6 inch heels and no way to get home or out of the stupid chains.

This is the point where my marriage came to an end - I managed to get the phone and speed dialed home my wife answered and told her I was in trouble and needed a ride and to get to me as fast as possible, I remember so vividly the sight of her car when she was driving across the parking lot looking for my car. she finally did and parked a just across the lane from me. she quickly jumped out and headed to my car only to stop dead when she saw me. she FLIPPED OUT - she got into the car and you can only imagine - we sat for nearly 30 minutes and I told her everything about the night and cross dressing etc.. she went through my bondage and cross dressing stash I had in the car and went into a rage again. At that point all i wanted to do is go home and try to make it right by her. I kept telling her how sorry I was and that I loved her and I could not help the way i want to dress and at that point she picked up a ball gag I had in my suit case and told me to save it for someone who cared - she told me to open wide and she buckled the ball gag on as tight as it would go. she smiled and said have a nice life as a woman and left. that was the last time i have seen or heard from her (5 days and counting).

It took me nearly 3 hours to walk home - and when I arrived the house was dark and a note was left saying that this was not over. I had a safe key in the house so i was able to get unlocked but at this point i have no idea who she will tell and the further fallout - i know it will not be good -

I need a friend really bad at this point and this is where i ended !! I know this is probably not the forum for the type of stupid I have done but I dont really have another outlet right now -

[DonnaT]

Good luck with your wife.

Hopefully the anger she felt in your discovery will abate shortly.

[Stephanie W]

Hi Ashley

No need to feel bad about sharing your story here. Quite the story I will say. You know, that need to get out dressed can be overwhelming and sometimes we do what we have to. I have posted here about my first experiences in the outside world, and like you, I took some chances back then which made me wonder what I was thinking, looking back now.

But, as you found out through what can only be described as a baptism of fire, the inherent need to get out can overide common sense and the we can easily ignore the consequences of "what if something bad happened?", when that 'rush' overwhelms you. The one golden rule when you're out of your comfort zone is to never leave yourself without an "out" or do anything to compromise your safety. In your case, those handcuffs effectively removed that safety net.

Now with your wife involved to the extent she was, you have your work cut out for you. No easy way to say that. I hope when she calms down, she'll be more willing to sit down and discuss this, assuming you have the kind of relationship that can withstand such a powerful shock. What makes it harder, is her, not only stumbling on your crossdressing, but the actual situation she found you in. That part is going to take a lot more explaining.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it. At least you have somewhere to talk about it and I hope you continue to share your developments with us. If things work out, maybe I can substitute the word 'developments' for progress. I feel for you though.

Stephanie

[Virginia]

HI Ashley,
\Wow! quite a story, can't say as in my three plus years on the forum I have come across one quite like it, but as my sisters have said, you "ain't alone, hon!" Several of us can say, "been there done that" not quite like your experience, but the end or for some of us the beginning of something new and I can only speak for myself, but it is now what I call my "Magical Mystery Tour," and I would not change it for anything.

I do dress and go out and in fact have met, in person several of the girls from this forum (California, Florida, Colorado, Virginia, North Carolina) in person and you will not find a nicer sorority to be a part of.

At this juncture, I will not say much more other than we are here to support each other, share our stories and offer advice. The advice you get will be varied and hopefully numerous. You have to pick and choose what will work best in you life.

Do NOT be ashamed of who you are. For most of us this "desire" is truly "a gift." Do not let it overwhelm you, you must learn to use it, to control it and eventually to share it, maybe not as Ashley, but the feminine strength that comes from it can serve you well. I know it has for me.

Please stay and participate and share with us.

Love,

Virginia

[Gaven McLaren]

Ashley, we have a lot in common. I will never pass and do not care to try. I do go out wearing what I want most of the time. I am just as likely to be wearing a skirt as I am pants. I have a GG friend that is helping me with my sense of style. The odd thing is I can help other people find things that look good on them but I have a hard time choosing things for me. Just a bit of advice keep the bondage gear at home and just go out being you. I am sure that you got stranger looks because you were wearing handcuffs then you would have ever got just wearing fem clothes. I have been on the forum from almost day one and it has helped me quite a bit. Hope your wife comes around.

[Absaroka]

I hope this all works out for you, and the handcuff story is a lesson to be learned. You're very lucky no one robbed or assaulted your while you were incapacitated.

The three ladies probably think this was a joke. Without suggesting anything illegal personally I might be tempted to confront them with the consequences of their actions.

Absaroka

[Robyn Katie]

Oh Ashley, I'm so sorry.

I know the dramatic, irresistible pull to put yourself out there, in danger, being a public woman, yet terrified of the consequences. That's often been talked about but never, I think, explained. Its power is awesome. It's like being on the cliff edge and the depth is just pulling you forward. And if you do it ... you'd better have wings.

I sincerely hope your wife, when she gets over her shock, will reflect on who you are, what your marriage has meant to her, will try to realize you're the same person she loves, and make a cautious beginning toward reconciliation. Maybe she can know, from all the accounts here, that a wife and husband can get past this hard place and live with you having this femme side ... which, after all, every male has, just as every female has a masculine side. Gee, I wish there were a balm that could just make it better right now.

My heart is with you both. Be brave. And may your wife be brave too.

Love, Robyn Katie

[Ashley]

Thank you all for the kind and supportive words - without question the first I have ever heard on this topic - I believe I really need the outlet this forum provides.

When I came home from work yesterday her car was in the garage and I absolutely had no idea what to expect - I walked in and she was in her office and at best it was a cool welcome but it was more than I expected - opened with a catty remark to the effect that she expected me to be in a dress but then she said she needed about 20 minutes then we needed to talk. She then suggested with a great deal of sarcasm that I should put on my "little outfit" I had on the other night and she would join me in the living room when she finished her work. I didn't see this as a positive but complied - this was the first time I wasn't completely excited about putting on a dress.

When she came out she was full of herself and I thought the one liners were going to go on forever - I sat there and said as little as possible - then she said "your outfit doesn't seem complete without your pretty bracelets for your ankles and wrists" - at one time I would have given anything to hear a statement like that but not last night - again I complied and knew that this very well was a crucial point - oh yeah, lucky me, I got to wear the gag again - this will be the first thing to be thrown out!!

She explained that this will be her night to say what she had to say without interruption - she thought it would be best to have a "captive audience".

For the next few hours she talked about "trust or lack there of and whether she could ever trust me again - personal embarrassment, not knowing me or who she married etc etc!! she had actually thought that I was having an affair and she did not know whether to be relieved or more upset. She had talked with her best friend who by the way is visiting this next week so there is at least one more that knows who I am so I have know idea what to expect when she comes and some of our family is coming in for thanksgiving next week and I don't know who or what has been said to them.

For the time being she is back in the house so that I believe this is very positive although I spent the night in the guest bedroom exactly dressed and chained the way I was - I did not sleep much but I had hopes - she woke early this morning and opened my door and said the keys to the cuffs were in the kitchen and then went to her office. I found the key and unlocked the cuffs, showered and got dressed for work (first day in a long time I had not worn pantyhose under my pants (felt very strange) - I looked into her office and said thanks for coming back home - she glared and wanted to know why i wasn't wearing a dress. On that note I left for work.

She was home again tonight - we actually ate dinner together and watched a couple of tape tv shows before she went to bed about 30 minutes ago - she let me know that the guest bedroom is now mine!! I was in sweats tonight and nothing was said about the "incident" - i have no idea where this is going.

Anyway thanks to all that replied

Ashley

[CharLee]

Oh Ashley,
I'm sorry to say but you are not suffering the ultimate price of keeping your CDing desires a secret from your wife.
Right now she is reacting in what is a normal reaction of finding out about your CDing the hard way. She is feeling betrayed because you never told her of this before she had to come to your rescue.
Would her reaction have been different if you had an honest discussion with her about crossdressing in the beginning, I don't know. Some wives will accept it, others will have nothing to do with it, it all depends on the love in the marriage and the trust of your partner. You violated your marital trust by keeping this part of you a secret from her and she feels hurt right now. She may get over it or she may not, depending on how strong your love for each other is.
In any event my advice to you is if she calms down and is willing to talk it out with you, come clean. Be totally honest with her about your need to dress, don't hold anything back even if it is embarrassing to you to admit it. Then listen to her concerns and fears and how she feels about your CDing.
With an open and honest discussion you may be able to come to a compromise that the two of you can agree upon and live with. She may be willing to go along with your crossdressing but with limitations and you should accept them for now anyway. If she does, in time she might allow you more freedom. But for right now you have to earn back her trust that she has lost in you.
I hope for your sake all works out well, but whatever happens we are all here to help and support you.

CharLee

[Jeannie]

Hi Ashley
I know some will say we are wrong for not revealing ourselves to our partners in life. They feel lied to and betrayed and rightfully so. Then we have the other side of the coin. People like us spend our lives making others feel comfortable at our expense. We live our lives in solitary confinement.
Everyone else gets to be who they are and go about their day. Transgendered people are not monsters yet we are demonized and others are horrified if we come out. Most of us spend our lives hating ourselves for what we are.
If you want to go to your grave kicking and screaming for the life you never had,knock yourself out Hon. If others in your life can't accept who you are,you don't need them in your life. Just my thoughts Hon. It took me 55 long,long years to figure that out. Hugs.

Love
Auntie Jeannie

[Anne]

The fact that she's back, had her say, etc. is a very good sign.

You'll read in many posts here that the wife acceptance thing is "baby steps". You will need to figure out how that strategy might figure into your own situation. This might be as simple as not doing any overt dressing unless she's mentioned it like the other day - she'll probably be asking about what dressing you've done since the incident - best to say "only what you've asked me to do" or similar. See how it plays out over the short term to see how the long term might be.

The friend visit could actually help if that person is enlightened enough to know that dressing at home with your wife's tacit concent is healthy enough. As your wife came back after talking to them it is a positive sign the persn didn't say "run away from that $*%(%".

So keep your spirits guardedly optimistic to see how it goes. Wishng you the best.

[Virginia]

Ashley,

As you can see, "we" are in general proud of who we are and how we all accept this "gift" a bit differently, but yet most of us live with it with varying degrees of succcess.

On thing to keep in the back of your mind is the fact that there are support groups for virtually every human failing. From those who eat too many peanuts to "stalkers," or those who have a cleanliness fetish to shoe fetish. I would not recommend that you spring this on her for a while but if the situation presents itself. There are support groups for Crossdressers and (who would have known even for their families). She sounds like a fairly strong woman, at least she did not throw up her hands and go screaming off into the night, she held her ground. Point being we have a part of the forum right here for GG"s that is only for GG's and I am sure the ladies there would be more than willing to have her join them in a discussion and I know for a fact that some have been in at least telephone contact with eachother. It is another alternative. It at least let's her know that there are support groups for her as well!

Good luck and keep up in your loop, dear

Love,

Virginia

[Michelle Miller]

I'd be more worried about someone out in public reporting me as a "suspicious individual that seems to have escaped police custody", being in handcuffs and all, than being read, but hey, that's just me. To each their own, I suppose.

Just keep on the "I'm sorry" bit, and emphasize that you're sorry about not telling her before, but that you were just scared of a rash reaction from her, and how you'd like her to be comfortable and at ease sharing this part of yourself with her.

On thing to keep in the back of your mind is the fact that there are support groups for virtually every human failing. From those who eat too many peanuts to "stalkers," or those who have a cleanliness fetish to shoe fetish.

Does buying too many shoes make me a shoe fetishist? I'll start a support group, we'll meet at the local Payless and go from there.

[Absaroka]

I'm glad your wife is back and allowing her an evening to say whatever she had to say was I think a very good idea. It's funny how so many wives don't know wether to be even more upset or to be relieved when we discover that we ourselves are the other woman......but it does say an awful lot about the stigma of all this. However just about all the famale partners here seem agreed that the deception is a huge thing, and if we visualize our partners doing what we have done it is easy to imagine why. To which of course I must add a gigantic mea culpa.

I'm less clear about the sleeping in handcuffs. Is this something you two have experimented with in the past? Is it something you were comfortable with? I'm also unclear just how much a part of all of this the handcuffs and obedience stuff is. How emotionally voluntary was this on your part? As someone who watched quite a bit of highly negative physical interaction between my parents as a child I have very strong feelings about these things.

If you are comfortable with this than all well and good. I do know that if my wife ever tried emotionally blackmailing me into some sort of physical submission against my will that my fears of her leaving would immediately be irrelevant because I would be leaving her. No way I would ever allow myself to live with someone who would disrespect my autonomy like that.

You need to be fully accepting of your wifes feelings. That doesn't mean you let her seriously mistreat you.

Absaroka

[Erin L]

As it happens, I have my own new story of being discovered, but that's for another thread.

One of the hardest things to understand in our world is why we put ourselves into situations where little good can happen (a momentary thrill, perhaps) but very much bad can happen. In your case, Ashley, I'm referring to the connection you made between going out in public dressed and a Houdini-like challenge (the key to the cuffs), which is probably the most extreme example I've ever heard about. I think it is the result of having been forced to repress who we are for much of our lives. It is impossible to live in denial of who we are and not have our self-esteem suffer a stomping. That stomping is even worse when combined with the cheap laughs gotten at our expense.

And yet, many of us have legitimate reasons - really good reasons - for continuing to conceal who we are. We are making conscious choices to make a sacrifice for something we deem to be more important when we decide not to reveal this part of ourselves to our wives. In my case, I have considered many times telling my wife that what I told her all those years ago about my dressing was only partly true, because it really isn't over, and likely will never be over (at least not until I'm in my dotage). But I never did because I knew it would hurt her, and in our situation (first our disabled children, now her disabled parents), I owed her every ounce of support I could give her, and coming out to her did not fit the bill.

I'm not saying that anyone who comes out is wrong, selfish or anything else. Every couple is different, and every party to a marriage sees that marriage through individual perceptions and with individual values. I am saying that I understand why Ashley never told.

But I suspect that Ashley's behavior - the cuffs, leaving the key in a public place and forcing herself to go there dressed in order to get out - indicates one of two things: her subconscious mind pushing her into a situation where sooner or later she HAD to be discovered, a place where her conscious mind did not want to go, or a terribly degraded self-image, and possibly both.

Those of us who choose to remain under cover do so at great cost to ourselves. We suffer because we hide part of ourselves; we risk being discovered, and if we are, we are often villified for being deceptive, which makes ultimate acceptance that much harder. And yet the TG world is well stocked with our sisters who had the talk and then watched their spouses walk the walk.

Ashley, dear, I agree with the posts that see your wife's return as a positive. The verbal harpoons are how she is dealing with the sense of betrayal, and with the struggle of acceptance. There is no guarantee that acceptance will carry the day, but the evidence of the struggle gives you hope.

But while her main question may well be, "Why do you have to dress?" I hope the question you begin to work on will be "Why did you feel you had to demean yourself in public?" After all, as you can see by reading through these forums, there are lots of CDers who go out, whether they are able to pass or not. You could have just decided to go. But you felt you had to force yourself, and in a way (hands cuffed behind your back) that would draw instant attention to yourself if anyone else was around, attention that would be at once acute and unsympathetic (let's face it, no one goes up to a dressed CD, or even a GG, who has cuffed her hands behind her back and says, "Nice cuffs" or "Excuse me, where do I catch the J bus?"

Ashley, you need to deal with this, regardless of what happens with your wife. I hope and pray she will be with you when you do, but you must seek help even if she isn't.