reinstatement (for a while anyway)

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:34 am

Hi ladies ,

When I retired in August it was always my intention to hold on to my gear and return in January as a test run to assess wheather I was finished for good or wheather I was rested enough after a long break and ready to return to the sisterhood , in the months since August I have been living in a state of being "half pregnant" which is impossible.
The fact is that I'm either in or out , I cannot be inbetween , therefore I was faced with the decission to "purge or persue" because waiting in limbo for January to make the decission was causing me unrest.
On November 23 I made the decission to return at least temporarily , I did so with a photosession that saw my worst effort ever , never the less I followed up the other day with another photoshoot that saw a medium improvement.
I am not really happy with my current appearance , I have large rolls of fat around my waistline that don't look real good .
Anyway to summarize , the "bad looks" issues that caused me to retire in August are still present so I may not stand up for long term continuation but the hearts willing to give it a go at this time.
_________________

Kay · Post by **Kay** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:22 am

Hi Merinda
Welcome home from walkabout

Diet starts after Christmas

Kay

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:01 am

Welcome back Merinda.

Use the "bad looks" as motivation to fix something that can be fixed. Your transness is innate and purging will not, can not, fix it.

However, your looks can be fixed. And if anyone knows how hard that is, it's me. Especially with regard to weight. Especially since I no longer have a thyroid.

When out shopping with my wife recently, she remarked about not buying a skirt I was looking at. I've not bought anything new, and won't, until I've lost considerable weight.

So far, 20 pounds since August.

I still dress though, for I am trans and won't fight that urge.

Leeza · Post by **Leeza** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:46 am

Hi Merinda, and welcome back. I have been loosing weight and still have some to go so know what you are going through.

Leeza

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:18 pm

Look to your heart.

We never can become the ideal (I can't even come close).

But if dressing makes you feel better about yourself n any way, that is much better than trying to go without and being miserable.

I wish I could fi into my smaller size clothes - I now need to work on how to make a size 14 (16?) look better - I know there are articles that discuss dressing for any body size, I'll google some but any gal can look great with any body shape and the right preparation. Look at America Ferrera (Ugly Betty, Travelling Pants, etc.) - It's all how you work on the packaging and how you feel about yourself. The rest will fall into place or be inconsequencial.

"We're better with you than without you"
- movie line, I forget which one

Anne

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:30 pm

Kay wrote:Hi Merinda
Welcome home from walkabout Diet starts after Christmas
Kay

Hi Kay ,

Actually cutting down on alcohol (beer) has already started , but with Christmas / new year approaching I'm not going to make any serious effort until afterwards.

I don't have an overall weight problem as such , its a disproportionate fat distrobution (fat guts) , I look like a pregnant woman.

I may have to dress in maternitywear

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:18 pm

Hey Merinda,

I think you may be lumping together two different issues. Not being happy with your looks, which is one issue and other issue, what do do about your desire to crossdress. It seems that you were under the impression that you only dressed because you liked the way it looked, but you found out that even when you do not look the way you want, you still have the desire to dress.

I know I have discussed this with you before and I always thought you would arrive at this fork in the road. It's easy to believe that we are in control of this and we can quit anytime we want. That is what I would tell myself. Even though deep down I knew it wasn't true. I liked it, so unless something happened that would make me not like it, I was going to keep doing it.

So you are now at that point. You found something that makes you not want to keep doing it, and yet you still desire to do it. As you know, I have always maintained that I believe this is a part of who we are and in the end, it must be expressed. People can and do stop dressing, but it's always for some limited period of time. Because everyone realizes that it doesn't matter if one dresses or not, if one has the desire to.

If I had to use my appearance as a condition of getting to be who I am, I would never get to be myself. So instead I accept my appearance and instead try to do the best I can with what I have to work with. No one is ever going to look at me and think I am hot. But yesterday when I took my son to the doctor, the doctor came in and said "so? we have A(son's name) and mom".

I see myself as the mom, so for me she could not have paid me a higher compliment. I desire to be seen as a woman, and I was. But I am certainly not some hot attractive woman, nor will I ever be. I am a middle aged woman. I am ok with being that.

So my advice to you is to not hold yourself to such a high standard. It's hard to look like an attractive young girl when one is an attractive young girl. Asking yourself to meet that standard is a really high standard. I bet you could find and attractive late 30's Merinda that you would admire just as much. We are all getting older. You can't hold that against yourself.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:37 pm

HI Merinda,

Well as always you get what you ask for here - sage advice from the best and brightest

I don't care what "book learnin" some folks have and that is all they have to fall back on, you just can't beat the ole "been there done that!"

You know what we have decided based on all our scientific research and actually I think that we have enough evidence just from this forum. If, indeed, you are what you think you may be and that is a crossdresser! It never goes away!!!!!!!! Our sisters here will admit to suppressing it, repressing it, ignoring it, but true to the nature of the beast, as Donna says, we are what we are, accept it or reject it it is still part of us. Seems however we each deal with "it" = the "gift" in our own selective ways.

As for appearances, I think that is something that we each harbor internally with a wide, wide diversity of a point of reference as to our vision of "the ideal female look and appearance." I do not wish to be taken to the woodshed right now commenting on GG's appearances that I see in the malls and grocery stores and restaurants, but I think I am safe in saying they are a far far cry from what Virginia seeks to appear as!!!!!
I have to admit to trying to "dress down" a bit from my accepted style of "conservatively sexy," so a bit, a very small bit of what I see GG's evolving to currently.

If I were you, I would not worry about a few extra pounds, seems a lot of the GG's that I see out and about don't!!!!!

Granted from a health-wise and appearance wise, lesser weight is good and diet and exercise can do wonders of our health and appearance, but it can just slaughter one's pocketbook. Same skirt/blouse/slacks, even "unmentionables" in three of four different sizes for different weight classes we may find ourselves in can get very expensive and sure takes up a lot of room in the closet.

Anyway, hang in there and we hope you can stay and participate.

Love,

Virginia

Post by **KimberlyS** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:25 pm

Merinda wrote: disproportionate fat distribution, I look like a pregnant woman..... I may have to dress in maternity wear

Merinda, about two years ago my wife out of the blue said to me "you look pregnant". We since then I have been slowly been loosing some weight. Down about 40lbs now from than. I just wish everything I lost would stay off. And not easy during the holiday season. I hate to say it but exercise has been key along with changing some eating habits. I do have some maternity wear that I got from before that time. But never did the pregnant look, I just liked the top and not much different than some plus sized tops.

And as for looks it takes practice. And in my experience for going out attitude and personal acceptance is more important than looks.

Welcome back.

kim

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:48 am

Elizabeth wrote:Hey Merinda,
I know I have discussed this with you before and I always thought you would arrive at this fork in the road.

Hi Elizabeth ,

I did not return because of the desire to dress , I returned because I can't escape. (if that makes any sense)

Imagine this hypothetical :

I've always desired to play football, so I join the Brunswick seconds football club for 12 months and have a fantastic year , the next year I advance to the firsts and I'm then spotted by a talent scout who sees me start a career and playing professionally for the AFL (Australian football league) . I play at the top level for a few years until I become slow and older , I must then retire and take a new possition , one possition open is to return to the Brunswick seconds.
I had happiness at this club once before but after playing football at the top level for so long I ask the question " is it possible for me to be happy returning to a lower level "??? , or would it be better to take on a new role that is associated with the game.

End hypothetical

As you remember it was only a few years ago that I was walking around inconspicuously in a school uniform , this included trips to shopping areas and photos in front of the school with students and parents taking no notice . The days of opperating / passing in this manner are gone , I believe I could have still pulled it off in May 2007 but noticed a big change in my looks after 6 months onwards and decided to quit this in Nov '07.
I found a new level in the first half of 2008 but it eroded to disinterest after playing at the top and getting away with it so many times , then I put on more weight around the belly and my face filled out so I saw no future in this practice.
Now I return to my opening comment at the top of this post , I still have a desire to drive the train , but I cannot find a suitable track to run it on , the previous track has been pulled up and gone.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:10 am

Welcome back Merinda,

Lots of good suggestions here which I can't improve on.

I took a brief vacation from dressing in November, for among other reasons to see how it felt. I find now that I am enjoying it again although less often.

As for the weight, well there are the health issues which are good to address, although difficult at times..

Absaroka

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:17 am

Merinda wrote: I did not return because of the desire to dress , I returned because I can't escape. (if that makes any sense)

Yes, but there is a part of you (soul? subconscious?) that does have the desire, and since it is a part of you, innate, that is why you can't escape.

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:46 am

Merinda my dear,

oh sorry I truly know how you feel as nobody has a beer belly like Carol Ann. I have the most beautiful sexy little black dress that I just can not wear as I look like my baby is due any day.
My wife has been a huge help with my cloths and how to try and work around the problem. To start I cut way back on the beer wish I love and started walking a little more.

Things are starting to work as I have lost weigh in the hips and believe it or not the belly is looking better with the help of a good tight fitting girdle.
Hang in there sweetheart, if you want it bad enough you can get it.

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Fri Dec 05, 2008 3:05 pm

Carol Ann wrote:Merinda my dear,
I look like my baby is due any day.

Congratulations Carol Ann , have you thought of any names for it yet?, my guess is "Buddy" if its a boy,

, I will be naming mine either "Vicky or Victor" after "Victoria Bitter"

, Sorry Carol Ann , I couldn't resist that comment.

Pardon my humour

Thanks to all of you lovely ladies for your input ,

I believe I've had it too good for too long , I have already refered to my passing in school uniform , but if I can go back just under ten years ago I would walk the streets in "MALE MODE" and I would commonly be refered to as "Miss" or "the young lady" by shop assistants and bus drivers etc.
Young girls grow up into ladies , this young girl grew up into a man , I wont say "reality hurts" , its more like "reality has left me lost".

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:12 am

Merinda,

What I was saying is that I looked a hell of a lot better in a dress at 19 than I do now. I can be upset about that, or accept it. Like I said, most women probably think they looked better at 19 than at 40. Yes, perhaps you do look more "manly" now, but what I am saying is that it might only be because you are trying to look young. If you found a look closer to your age, you might be pleased with just how womanly you can look.

I think we can all relate to "can't escape". This gift is a part of who we are. Try to find another way to express it more in line with what you can "pull off".

Love always,
Elizabeth