How to come out to Mom...

MissSophie · Post by **MissSophie** » Sat Dec 27, 2008 2:57 pm

Hey Ladies, i've been crossdressing since i was about 13 years old but i've found that since i moved on my own and out of my mothers house it's gotten more and more involved, i'm just purchasing my first pair of silicon breast forms and i've been thinking about wether or not i just want to be a CD of go all the way, but first i want to come out to my mom and sister and i was wondering if any of you lovely ladies would have any ideas about how i should go throw with it, any comments are welcome

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Sat Dec 27, 2008 3:22 pm

Do it with them at gunpoint, for maximum effect, if you're going for "all out shock value".

How tolerant are they of the whole GBLT thing as reported by the media? Are they the types that furl their noses at the slightest mention of something related to it on the news/newspaper/the interwebs/etc?

Seriously though, it'd probably be easier on you if you can get your sister on your side first.

Erin L · Post by **Erin L** » Sat Dec 27, 2008 4:27 pm

You can always count on Michelle to come up with something low key.

I like both her second and third points, though. I would see how Mom and Sis respond to the general subject of TG and see where the tolerance meter is. While it is true that sisters seem to be more accepting than mothers, it isn't a hard and fast rule. After taking the temperature, I'd approach the one who seems more accepting.

Hugs and good luck.

CharLee · Post by **CharLee** » Sat Dec 27, 2008 4:49 pm

If I were in your place, I would put out feelers to my sisters first to see how they react. If they are supportive then I would enlist their help in breaking the news to your mother. If they are willing to help you it will make it easier for your mother to accept this side of you. Plus the fact they can help you with picking out clothes, make-up and presenting yourself as a woman.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the luck in the world.

CharLee

Stephanie H · Post by **Stephanie H** » Sat Dec 27, 2008 5:17 pm

MissSophie:
Be truthful and honest. Besure to answer each question with an answer and if you do not know the answer tell her, than write down the question and tell her you will give her an answer when you have one for her.
Remember to be direct and open. A mother will ask the same question in different ways, but the different way is a different question and besure to answer it truthfully.
The first family member that I came out to was an older sister. It was her because we always had a special relationship of trust and confidence.
She in being the first to know, also made it easier to tell others. Having this special relationship with her, has made her one of my greatest supporters and helpers, shopping/dining/makup/manners etc.
Taking CharLee comment to heart might be helpful to you.

I would put out feelers to my sisters first to see how they react

Please keep us in the loop as to the steps that you take and the results of each. It will be most helpful to others.

Gaven McLaren · Post by **Gaven McLaren** » Sun Dec 28, 2008 3:05 am

The only suggestion I have for you is how I dealt with it. I told my sisters by a letter that was well written and answered the questions that they are most likely to ask.

They are the following questions:
Are you gay?
Do you want to have a sex change?

I answered these questions and left room for them to ask me more questions as they a rise.

Lucy Michelle · Post by **Lucy Michelle** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 3:16 pm

It might be worth writing out a letter / e-mail to send after you tell answering questions you get.

The main question I got was "do you want to become a woman?"

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 11:34 pm

I accidently let my mother see a picture of me. No recognition. She wondered who it was, and once I convinced her it was me, asked why. I explained it and all has been great.

Ann Stef · Post by **Ann Stef** » Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:23 pm

Try calling, ahaed of time and say that yur sexuallity has changed. Let them absorb this and call again in two weeks. They may think you went homo, so CD wouldn't be so bad. Mothers & sister are more tolerant to "dressing up".. You may be surprised., good luck.

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Wed Mar 25, 2009 11:34 pm

There are exceptions, of course, but most people I've talked to about coming out to their mother found it to be comparatively easy and were glad they did it. Mothers want their children to be happy - their biggest fears are usually around the question "will this make you happy? Will people close to you be hurtful as a result?" The more confident you are in your decision the less she'll worry, so long as it feels to her like you're being true to yourself and not forcing anything.

The only time I'd worry about approaching mom is if she suffers from lack of self-confidence herself. If she tends to hover in your father's shadow or otherwise "follow the herd" then she might find it harder to support a non-mainstream decision.

Ultimately, she's your mother and you're in the best position to know how to approach her. I would agree with Gaven that whatever you do be sure to address the questions everyone seems to ask: are you gay? And are you thinking about a sex change?

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 4:48 am

MissSophie,

I told my best friend in person, but I told my mom over the phone. But I am not very close to my mom and have only talked to her a couple of times in the last 15 years. I know that many people have had great success with a letter. Once written it can be given to family members, friends, or coworkers or anyone that you want to know about you.

It allows you to answer a few basic questions and tell them where they can find more information from mental health care professionals that explain that you are not a bad person, but suffer from gender dysphoria. It gives them time to absorb it and decide what they want to say or ask of you and when. They are not put on the spot.

Also includes some sights where they can find some support. Places like this forum. Where they can find others in a similar situation to what they find themselves in.

So there are a lot of ways to come out. It just all depends on what your style is and what you feel comfortable with.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Sun Mar 29, 2009 3:56 pm

Start with a light hearted unusual remark , such as-

"Hey that dress on that woman (in a magazine or on the street) looks fantastic on her , wish I could look that good" or " I would like to have a dress like that".

If that doesn't get the ball rolling then it will at least make her suspicious and it wont be so much of a shock when you fully come out to her at a later stage.

Angela · Post by **Angela** » Mon Mar 30, 2009 7:12 am

As I wore my sisters clothes at every available opportunitty it was no great surprise to my Mum when I walked into the room one day fully dressed. "What took you so long?" was her reaction.
My Mum was always totally supportive.

Angel.Marie · Post by **Angel.Marie** » Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:28 am

I'd say most of the notes I've read so far sound like good ideas. The gunpoint option, well, I suppose if you're at the range with your mom, and you've just emptied the clip several times, and managed to shoot the words 'I like to dress like a girl' into the target at 25' with, say a .22.. he he....

I can tell you that, as I've been coming out to the people that I know, it has always been a touch and go process. I've come out to about 1/2 of my general circle of friends, if not more, and always in person. Considering we attend similar events, it's been easy to frequent a club dressed here and there and then feel out the residue. I've certainly seen that it all tends to go whatever direction the individual wants it to go, and so IF the person is a generally accepting individual it's just a matter of having /some/ of the right answers ready when the questions are presented to you.

I have yet to tell my mother, however, I am 'right there' on deck, if you will, writing my crib notes on the event in preparation. My therapist, a GID specialist, had originally suggested I write her a letter and mail it, though when I mentioned I'd rather tell her in person she was surprised and supportive that I wanted to. However, she advised, the idea of writing the letter in advance, and, perhaps, writing it almost as a script if you will, might actually keep you from stuttering and stumbling.

The thoughts on 'testing the waters' with your sister or your mother in question I've also done, granted my mother DID catch me dressing 15+ years ago or more ONCE. I don't have a sister, however over the past few years I've commented here and there about how pretty some clothing is, and this that and the other things.. Say, having a conversation with her while flipping through a clothing or accessories catalog (JC Penny's for example) and getting to the womens section and being like 'You know, I always wished men's fashions would be as beautiful as women's these days.. you know how many times I've wandered through a store and said I wish I could have worn [that]??' This almost exact conversation I've had with my mother several times over the long run. Her response was, roughly: 'Well, you can wear just about anything you want these days, and, I suppose, as long as it doesn't interfere with your life or work too much then why not??'

Everyone's experiences will differ of course, but I do wish you well. Just take it easy, and be strong! - Your strength will show that you have the courage to stand up for how you feel.

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:39 pm

Sorry my timing wasn't better, but here comes a blockbuster...

As previously revealed here, my mother knew of my crossdressing early in my puberty, and hated it, and hated me for it. I was physically beaten for this. She also forced me to attend counseling with pastors who had poor people skills when it came to talking to teenagers. No way would I ever open up to them. A tremendous waste of time and money for all concerned.

Obviously all of this drove me very deep into the closet. We never discussed it. She decided I had "outgrown it". I never tried to dissuade her of her delusion. I vowed I would keep this secret from her till her death, or mine, whichever came first.

Tomorrow, my mother will have been gone from this world for exactly a year. I have no regrets about keeping that secret from her to her very end of life.

In so doing, I did inherit what might have been enough money for a quality surgical transition, but alas, I feel I am just too old for this now, and then also, it would not be fair to my wonderful spouse of 32+ years. Indeed, having enough savings to sustain us in retirement seems the more pressing threat now.

Of course, the money having been previously invested in stocks and bonds, it is more or less gone now without my spending a dime of it, but I digress.

Based on my own life experiences, I could never recommend that anyone come out to their mother. Of course, many do, and most survive, and some have enriched lives as a result (Rock on!). But sadly, transgenderphobia among parents is as likely as it is in the general population, and a bigoted response by parents is surely a devastating thing. Beatings aren't much fun either.

Would that it would be easy to test her reaction in advance, by introducing another transgendered person to her as your new friend, and see if mom hates or accepts your friend. Unfortunately, in the real world you can't just call Enterprise and ask to rent a transgendered friend for a weekend, even though Enterprise will pick you up. All kidding aside, perhaps a supportive GF could pretend to be a transgendered person?

So, while not the encouragement you probably hoped for, I suggest you wait until you are 100% financially independent of your mother, and have weighed the prospects of perpetual alienation. If you can live with the worst potential consequences, only then you can gamble. You only get one mother, for better or worse. There are no "Do over"s.

Hugs,

Bernice

Crossdressers-Haven.com