Outed...I Think

[Erin L]

As I've posted elsewhere, I've recently started dressing again after not having done so for a few years. I attribute this to a ratcheting up of stress both at home (elderly in-laws) and at work (downsizing - what else is new?). I don't get too much opportunity, which is why I'm so glad I've found this forum. But I do get to work from home from time to time, and I find that many of my wife's clothes fit me, so I when I'm home, I work en femme.

I've not yet had time to grow a stash of my own things, but when I borrow my wife's, I return everything immediately except panties and hose. I had recently held onto a pair of cute black tights and a pair of peach-colored cotton panties (not my faves, but beggars can't be choosers). The tights were hidden amid my sweatshirt drawer while the panties were at the bottom of a drawer with gym shorts and swimming trunks.

My wife is a compulsive reorganizer. She is manic about orderliness. If dressing is my outlet for stress, rearranging her drawers and closets is hers. Tonight, I was sitting in the living room, minding my own business, when she called down, "Can you please come upstairs? I have a surprise for you."

When I got up to our bedroom, she was standing next to my dresser with a big (and genuine) smile, and she said, "I saw how stuffed some of your drawers were (alas, I am as manically DISorganized as she is organized; it is sometimes a bone of contention) so I did you a favor and reorganized everything. I sorted out your tee-shirts, your sweats - you had some nice polo shirts mixed in with them and they now have a separate drawer - and I moved all your workout things over to that drawer so everything is in order."

As I thanked her (it really did look better), I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know, "Oh, and by the way, why were my panties in with your soccer shorts" or something like that. But, no, she said nothing. I told her she really shouldn't have done it, that I hated to see her do extra work because of me (a truthful statement, although certainly not the whole truth), but she just waved it away. Earlier today, we'd had a blowup about organization, and she had gone rather over the top on some things she said, and had later apologized. She said now that she just wanted to make it up to me.

Well, I thought, okay. Maybe she moved the sweatshirts in a single pile and never saw the tights. Maybe I had actually stuck the panties inside a pair of swim trunks. But, no, after she went back downstairs, I quickly checked the sweatshirt drawer, and no tights in sight. My workout clothes drawer was a panty-free zone. Then I went out to the hall where we keep the laundry basket, and with a quick rummage found the tights in question. There was no sign of the panties, and I can only conclude that she threw them out.

The fact that she was washing the tights rather than just putting then in her hosiery drawer indicates that she knew they'd been worn. And the fact that she seems to have thrown out the panties suggests that she at least suspected how they'd been used.

A little later, we both sat down to watch a basketball game. During the game we talked about the trades the Knicks just made, what's the latest with Stephon Marbury, my father-in-law's obstinacy, my mother-in-law's generally poor health, the strain of maintaining care for both of them, and how much we need a break. We watched the game until it was over, and then she went to bed (we've both had a busy day). But she never said a word about what she discovered.

She knows I dressed as a teen, but I had told her when we were dating that it was all in the past (my mistake). We had a blowup a couple of years back when I had bought her some lingerie, which I've described in another thread ("A Puzzlement").

As I see it, there are three possibilities. She may have decided that I had worn some of her underthings as a way to relieve the stress and accepted it. Or, she may have simply decided to eliminate my "stash" much as the spouse of an alcoholic will somtimes pour the booze down the sink. Or, she may be waiting until a time when she is not so tired and drained by the day to confront me.

Because of her manner toward me over the remainder of the evening, I eliminate the last one, because she's not very good at hiding her feelings and she would have exhibited at least some hostility, and there was none. We even embraced warmly before she went to bed. And as much as I'd like to believe it's option 1, I doubt it because she would have said something much more direct about it, something like, "Hey, I know things have been really tough, and I just want you to know I understand." So, I'm pretty sure it's Option 2. The fact that she specifically told me she had moved the contents of the two drawers tells me she wanted me to know she had found the two things. Still, the lack of any reaction is disconcerting.

My course of action is probably going to be to not mention anything if she doesn't, and to be very careful about any new clothing I bring into the house (probably won't pick up anything for a while). Sigh.

[DonnaT]

My course of action is probably going to be to not mention anything if she doesn't, and to be very careful about any new clothing I bring into the house (probably won't pick up anything for a while). Sigh.

That's one choice, but maybe it's time to have THE chat with her.

It sounds like she's obsessive enough not to want to wear panties you've worn, and thus may have tossed them, if they are no longer in her drawer. If that's the case, you may want to buy her a new pair, and slip them into her drawer, on top. She'll then know that you know she knows.

It's a general consensus that one should leave their wife's things alone, and instead, buy their own.

That way you'd obtain lingerie you like.

If you do decide to have a talk, don't argue with her. Remain calm, and explain why you need to do this.

Or else find a better hiding place. But if she finds your things again, she'd probably toss them out, and it doesn't sound like you want to keep buying new things.

[JenniferPL]

My wife set three rules. I can not embarrasses her, will not dress in front of the kids, and will not go out in public. I can live with those rules. It might help if you had some similar understandings with your wife. She may be worried that someone will find out and how it will reflect on her. It may help if you set some boundaries with her that she is comfortable with.

I agree with Donna. It may be time to have a talk with her. I would suggest find her comfront level. Maybe some basic rules of understanding What you will and will not do.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Virginia]

Hi Erin,

You stated that your wife knew that you "dressed" as a teenager. Do you think that your wife knows what cross dresser is? Most spouses, it seems, don't have a clue and when faced with this "new" aspect of their husbands personality, a lot of them just totally lose it! Some throw their hands up and run screaming into the night, so to speak. Others, ask the first question that comes to their mind, "are you gay?" While others are open-minded enough to want to understand this "new" aspect of you!

As you have already sensed there are several ways to approach this. One is to continue to hide. The problem with that is IF/WHEN you get caught, they are more hurt (it seems) by the subterfuge than the actual act in itself. The other is to broach the subject with them by whatever means you feel will slightly open the door to discussion. One thing that you DO NOT want to do is suddenly have her confront Erin in full "battle dress" and say "Honey, we need to talk!" That can get you a frying pan upside your head!

Anyway, as you have eluded to, she must have some suspicions now, so you have to be a tune to any further questions on her part. Females are a complex lot as you know, so keep your ears open to comments she may make. AND think about telling her, gently. You know her best so how you do it is up to you, if you choose to tell her at all.

From past experiences here, it seems to be best to tell her rather than having her "discover" Erin some day when you don't expect it! But again that is up to you.

Let us know how you are doing.

Virginia

[Erin L]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, girls. Now, for an update. It is now nearly 11:00 pm Sunday. We spent the entire day together - tonight, we took our daughter and my father-in-law out to dinner, but this afternoon we had several hours to ourselves. There was absolutely nothing in her demeanor toward me that suggested that anything had changed, or that she was upset, or holding anything back. She vented some about the pressures that have been on us all year, and talked about some odd dreams she's been having. We talked a little about how dreams are often the subconscious mind's way of dealing with things the conscious mind refuses to acknowledge. I left several openings for her to mention what she had found, to give her a chance to talk about it, and she did not.

Some of you will likely ask why, then, did I not press it myself. The answer is that my wife almost always addresses issues head-on, and when she doesn't, it's because she has deliberately chosen not to. This is such a time.

Virginia asked if I thought she knew what crossdressing is, and I would have to say she does not. We haven't really discussed it since before we were married, and we've been married for 32 years. Back then, even I didn't really understand what dressing was, why it happened. Geez, I even thought I could just decide to not do it anymore and make it stick.

My wife tries very hard to be accepting to everyone, but she is not always as accepting as she would like to be. Her first cousin, with whom she was quite close through childhood is gay. We recently saw him at his father's wake (along with his domestic partner), and I was surprised to see her so ill-at-ease. Later, when we were driving home, I told her that if she wanted to see them socially - to go to dinner and/or the theatre - it would be okay with me, she looked at me like I had two heads.

In looking back over the past two days, I have come to the conclusion that finding her things in my drawer, she decided that it was my way of dealing with the current stress and pressure in my life, possibly remembered my past involvement with dressing, realized that it poses no threat to our relationship, and decided that she wanted to know nothing more about it. If I were to force the subject open, I am certain she would be uncomfortable and possibly resentful. Nothing good comes from that, and it also risks a discussion that ultimately engulfs my son, and I know he could not possibly cope with my dressing.

So, in the end, we have a return to the status quo. I'm going to take Virginia's advice about the lingerie, out of consideration of my wife and my own tastes (which, in lingerie at least, differ quite dramatically) and I'm going to find a better hiding place.

Thank you all for your kind and helpful suggestions.

[Absaroka]

It's good that you are able to understand the nuances of your wifes behavior and respect her boundaries.

There are those who would say that being attuned to others like this is a feminine way of handling things.

Anyway, glad it seems to be working out.


BTW I regularly find things like dinner napkins in my underwear drawer. Maybe she thought it was a mistake. My wife throws everything out of place in the laundry on general principles.

Absaroka

[Erin L]

I'm working from home today, and I had to run an errand this morning (which is why I'm working from home today). So, on my way back, I just happened to pass a shopping center with a Victoria's Secret, so I just happened to stop in and buy myself some bras and panties. Also stopped to pick up some pantyhose (I love L'eggs' Silken Mist).

Now I'm home, dressed, and happy as can be.

[Tauny K.]

I have several guns so I bought a large gun safe It is even tall enough to hang my dresses so they don't crease

[Erin L]

That makes for a very interesting combination, Tauny. Sort of like Sarah Palin, I guess.

[Tauny K.]

Never thought about it but yes sort of a sugar and spice thing

[Michelle Miller]

I have several guns so I bought a large gun safe It is even tall enough to hang my dresses so they don't crease

That's definitely a 'one-up' on the places that plastic-bag preserve wedding dresses and such.

Of course that'd probably lead to:

"That's a divine perfume you're wearing, what is it?"

"umm...eau de gunpowder!"

[Erin L]

(giggling)

[Leeza]

I am giggling also on that one. Really liked it

Leeza

[Erin L]

Update (and I'm really not sure what to make of it): Temperatures here in NY have been in the deep freeze this week, and Thursday night, the forecast for Friday morning was for temps around 10 degrees (before wind chill factor). My wife said, "Well, I'm definitely wearing tights under my jeans tomorrow." I told her how lucky she was, and she said, "Well, why don't you borrow a pair from me? It's not like anyone would know."

So, desperately trying not to sound too eager, I said, "You think so?" and she laughed and said, "Sure, why not?" I "thought" about it for a moment and then shrugged and said, "Yeah. Why not?" I was still inwardly celebrating the fact that we may have actually opened the subject in a painless manner, when she suddenly said, "On second thought, mine probably wouldn't fit you." Now, I KNOW that's not true, because I've worn her tights before (as well as other things - yes, Virginia, I know, I know), but I can't SAY that, can I? So I said, "I'm sure they have lots of stretch." But she said, "No, I don't think so."

It's not about the tights. I had already bought a pair of my own. It's the fact that I thought she was signaling a willingness to open the subject, and in the next breath, she closed it again.

[JenniferPL]

Keep at it and go slow. You could push it little bit saying something like let me try a pair "just to see".