My lifes journey so far....

Jemima · Post by **Jemima** » Tue Jan 06, 2009 6:10 pm

My lifes journey...

There was never a time that I believe I have not been influenced by my predominant feminine side something that has been a struggle throughout my life and for a long time I have denied and subjected myself to self denial about my true self by abusing my body with food and hating my body. To the outside world I was a man's man, worked part time in security as a bouncer, dressed in black, shaved head and a dark shadow goatee beard, affectionately known to all as thebigman, but dispite being very masculine I have always remained feminine on the inside, loving caring, emotional and very affectionate, my main career was in nursing where I could express my nature to love and care for others, and be one of the girls, spending tme chatting and discussing woman's issues and feeling right at home lol.

As a child I played with the girls, my friends were girls and was happy dressing up as the princess or the nurse in the nursery play box, but I have never been effeminate, perhaps the opposite on the outside, just very sensitive, loving and showing lots empathy to others, which I feel are more feminine traits.

I loved wearing my mother's clothes and high heels, I always recall being girly dreaming of being a girl and doing girly things like brushing my long hair, make up and perceived female activities like dancing, something I just could not achieve, or partake in, so I was confused and at times very unhappy. I recall wearing female clothes that were available in my house, dressing in dresses belonging to my big sister, stockings and pantie girdles from my mother. I can recall when puberty kicked in I went into a lingerie shop dressed in my school uniform and asked to buy black lacy bra, panties suspenders and stockings and said they were for myself, the mature woman in the shop was stunned but sold them to me, oh the thrill and desire was so strong fulled by teenage male hormones, I was so confused and yearned to be beautiful like all women inherently are to me, that was my deepest desire to be feminine.

I remember being caught several times by mother when she found my secret clothes between my mattress and bed base, now my mother and father were both church goers, but didn't live up to the godly parents they would have lked to have been, I was disciplined, scowled and corrected and had threats and bible quotes thrown down at me, and to prevent a eternity in hell as a deviant, I began to deny these feeling and step away from being myself, I believe my light began to dim, but I threw myself into the church and at times rebelled, drank, smoked and had a very healthy sexual drive which yet again caused guilt and conflict with the concept of being pure in thoughts, gosh I was so bad!!! lol My weight began to pile on and for the past twenty years I have used food to abuse my body and I believe now it was a protection, from my desires and a way to remove opportunities to borrow my petite ex wife's clothes, who knew nothing of my desires, struggles and self hatred. I now know in hindsight she was the wrong person for me.

Recent years have been wilderness years, dark years and lonely years, my ex and myself got married, had three kids and I lost my way. Continued to seek faith and find freedom from sexual impurity lol I hated my body and chose to eat myself if required to an early grave, I was not able to even bring myself to crossdress, I hated myself and as a result our relationship broke down over the years, I had no self confidence and no way to break out of those dark years.

Happiness is on its way!!! My world broke down when my ex cheated on me and left me, but yet I raised up like a Phoenix out of the ashes, a song by UK band Embrace was my anthem called 'Ashes'. I kept close to my kids and kept the family house but more than this I slowly began to realise I had been put down for years with negative comments and had lost all my confidence.

Almost two years ago I met the most wonderful lady that has changed my life around, picked me up and taught me to fly high with confidence and openness. Our relationship is so empowering and together we have explored and discovered a whole world of sexual freedom free from guilt. She was drawn to my open and sensitive nature and we have helped each other so much. She has taught me to dress in bright colours and has bought me wonderful smart trendy male clothes (and female) that fit, she has encouraged my confidence and self belief. And of course because our relationship is based on acceptance of who we are and total openness it has been natural, that as my confidence grew and my light came back, I would naturally open up about my hearts desire to be feminine.

I love my life, its as if I have been given my life back, I am living my dream and at the moment I am like a child in a sweet shop. I am what I am and I love the freedom to be me, Jemima. I have discovered plus size clothing, make up. perfume and love to pamper myself and spend time shaving my legs and body and smooth on fine fragrant moisturising creams and paint my toe nails. I love being sensitive, loving, open and frank. I love being Jemima every now and then, as and when my work and family priorities allow me to spoil myself. I don't have all the swanky wigs or any desirable sexy female shoes but what I have and share with my partner makes me so happy. I have so much to learn but I hope my story helps you or inspires you, but most of all thanks for letting me write it down and getting it out, feel free to chat to me and will be happy to answerer any questions.

thanks to all you girls
love Jemima x

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Tue Jan 06, 2009 7:07 pm

What a nice post that one is, Jemima! I got misty-eyed toward the end; it's great that you've not only come out of the darkness, but found someone to share both sides of yourself. Keep the torch burning, hon!

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:50 pm

Lovely!

Post by **KimberlyS** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 12:19 am

Welcome Jemima to the forum. The is a great into.

Kay · Post by **Kay** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 3:48 am

Sitting here in the office almost crying my eyes out, what a turn around

.
Kay

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Jan 07, 2009 9:56 am

That's a very noce post Jemima and I am glad things seem to be working out.

I related to the whole hellfire and brimstone thing. Also the eating myself into submission. I've lost a lot of the weight now. And I related to the being in a relationship that was just all wrong-I've had a couple of those prior to my marriage.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Absaroka

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:03 am

Hi Jemima,
Thanks for sharing with us. Your story was heartfelt, and I'm happy to hear you living better today than you have in the past. Guilt is a powerful deterant. It's good to see you moving past it.

Kind regards,
Kyra

EmilyN · Post by **EmilyN** » Sun Jan 18, 2009 3:06 am

such a compelling and interesting story....i do hope that the final chapters remain as uplifting.....the very best to you!

Amelie-Laveau · Post by **Amelie-Laveau** » Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:31 pm

Nice beginning story, very interesting. But sadly, not an uncommon story for most tgirls. It's sad that most didn't find this happiness at a younger age. But as long as one reaches happiness is all that matters.

Jemima · Post by **Jemima** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:38 pm

A message to all my new family on this forum, to each of your individually thank you for your comments and taking the time to post, it's so reassuring to know we are not alone and we can share the up's and down's of our life's journey. I am so glad to have found this site

Love to you all
Jemima x

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:24 pm

Jemima

What a lovely inspiring post that was! With the support from your wonderful lady, I'm so glad to hear "your light came back" and wish you well on this new journey of yours. You sound so happy how and that is an inspiration to others who are trying to find their own light again.

Only one question I have is why you chose to become a "mean looking bouncer dude" which is probably one of the more macho professions you could have picked. Was it to distance yourself from your softer side at the time or was it for some other reason?

I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing more good things from Jemima. Keep that light shining brightly!

Stephanie