Being myself

[Jemima]

Can I just start by saying this site is simply wonderful. It's so fantastic to realise that here is a place, that we can feel free to open up and express ourselves freely. I have read over many threads and been encouraged and touched by the openness and support offered, it is great that we have diversity and broad range of ages and experiences.

Being myself is something I am trying to come to terms with. I have posted my beginnings story in the appropriate thread, but would love to find out how you girls feel 'inside'?

I guess I have always felt since my earliest memories that I have a very strong feminine side, and that I am who I am because of it? sorry I am not the strongest at putting my feelings into words, but I am certain I would have been happier born female. I have now lived 40+ years denying and struggling and suppressing these feelings, complying with and getting on with my life, which hasn't always been easy and caused a lot in inner hurt and pain.I have made the best of my life and I have much to be thankful for and happy about.

I now have the confidence and wisdom to realise I am 'me' and I very fortunate to have met someone who I have the trust in to open up to and be myself, I feel very fortunate.

So can you help me to begin my understanding of myself as I feel dressing is natural way of expressing my inner self, which I have suppressed for many many years. Inside I have always felt trapped. I now enjoy openly expressing my female side, and the happiness in that is unmeasurable.

Please reply if you can relate, do you feel likewise that you dress and feminise yourself to align whats on the outside with your inside psyche and emotions?

Jemima x

[Erin L]

Jemima,

A lot of us have spent most of our lives denying part of ourselves. It's a painful thing to do and a hard thing to stop doing. I've read your "beginnings" post, and having a supportive SO certainly is a major advantage. As you can see from the postings here, you are one of the lucky ones, and probably in the minority. The rest of us are spread across the spectrum - some are completely alone, some have SOs who don't know and would freak if they found out, and some have SOs are know and do not accept. I think that's the hardest of all.

The worst part of denying part of yourself is that it creates a struggle that makes it difficult to move on to other things. I've really only just recently (within the past several months, that is) come to the conclusion that this really IS me, it ISN'T a temporary thing, it ISN'T the result of a weakness or failing on my part, and in fact it is part of the GOOD part of me. In a perfect world, TG people would be celebrated because we straddle in some way the division of the sexes.

Our two children, both of whom were born with disabilities, are grown, now. Raising them took a lot of hard work and carried a tremendous amount of pain and frustration. When I look at the role I played, I fought hard for my children, but I loved them with, at times, a mother's love. In the old "Upstairs, Downstairs" series, Sir Geoffrey once said, "A lioness in defense of her cubs is entitled to show her claws." I know what he meant, because I've done it.

And when I look deep inside, I know that the sensitivity that my wife has always said she loves about me is part of my feminine self, and that Erin comes with that particular attribute. The other factors in our lives - our children, her parents, etc - leave no room on her emotional plate to openly explore my gender issues. But I have concluded that directly or indirectly, she knows they are there and accepts them, as long as they don't hit her in the face.

We all find our own comfort level in dealing with issues of acceptance (or lack thereof). I am deeply happy that yours has gone so well.

Hugs,
Erin

[Elizabeth]

Hi Jemima,

Only you can know what feels right to you. You seem like you are on the right track in the search for who you are. I remember when I first started to come to terms with all of this and much of what you say, I can relate to. Good luck in the journey ahead.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[JenniferPL]

Nicley put Erin.

[Gaven McLaren]

As it has been said on many posts here (generally in regards to SO's). Take it slow. Coming to terms with yourself can be just as hard on you as it must be for SO's. It has taken me quite a while to come to terms with myself as a CD. I still slip backwards sometimes as I will want to put something fem on and decide not to based on fear.

[JulieJ]

Can I just start by saying this site is simply wonderful. It's so fantastic to realise that here is a place, that we can feel free to open up and express ourselves freely. I have read over many threads and been encouraged and touched by the openness and support offered, it is great that we have diversity and broad range of ages and experiences.

Being myself is something I am trying to come to terms with. I have posted my beginnings story in the appropriate thread, but would love to find out how you girls feel 'inside'?

I guess I have always felt since my earliest memories that I have a very strong feminine side, and that I am who I am because of it? sorry I am not the strongest at putting my feelings into words, but I am certain I would have been happier born female. I have now lived 40+ years denying and struggling and suppressing these feelings, complying with and getting on with my life, which hasn't always been easy and caused a lot in inner hurt and pain.I have made the best of my life and I have much to be thankful for and happy about.

I now have the confidence and wisdom to realise I am 'me' and I very fortunate to have met someone who I have the trust in to open up to and be myself, I feel very fortunate.

So can you help me to begin my understanding of myself as I feel dressing is natural way of expressing my inner self, which I have suppressed for many many years. Inside I have always felt trapped. I now enjoy openly expressing my female side, and the happiness in that is unmeasurable.

Please reply if you can relate, do you feel likewise that you dress and feminise yourself to align whats on the outside with your inside psyche and emotions?

Jemima x

hi jemima you have just told me my life story and thats just like i am felling for many a year now and yes thanks to this site i can now tell someone about how and what i am going throw and its easyer than i thort it was going to be so thanks to you all

[Jemima]

Thank you so much for your replies which I really do appreciate that you have all taken time to share and that has made me think more about coming to terms with being myself.

I would like to offer a reassurance that I do not take for granted the gift of a supportive SO, and can relate to the wide range of experiences of varying degrees of acceptance by our SO's and the loneliness of being on your own. I hope I would be sensitive enough to support anyone and be able to relate to pain and struggling that many crossdressers feel, sorry if I appear to be rushing too enthusiastically into this forum.

Erin thanks for you words they made me think about real life responsibilities and I can relate to your comments. Your wife fell in love with your sensitive and nurturing nature, and that makes you someone worth celebrating! Your understanding of her feelings is to be admired.

Elizabeth, thank you for your kind words and welcome, I do believe I have a whole lot of self discovery and coming to terms that yes I have fought with theses feeling all my life, now I need to be true to myself and open up my life, and move forwards.

Gavin thank you for reminding me not to hurt or alienate my SO, to take time and allow this journey to be joint discovery, and allow her to guide me with her feelings and acceptance and she chooses freely without pressure from myself by being to enthusiastic and rushing because of the freedom I have been granted. There needs to be a balance on this journey shared.

Julie thanks for posting, our stories are very similar, so glad you are likewise discovering yourself and having fun expressing and coming to terms with that area we both had to hide and deny, its great we are finding acceptance and freedom.

love to you all
Jemima x

[Kimberly Kael]

Isn't this place amazing? Sure, not every post is an insightful masterpiece, but there's more honest, empathy and humility here than most places where people gather. It's also a great place to build confidence in the ability to talk about your feelings. That brings me to your topic, which is a very complicated one to answer since feelings don't translate readily into words. It's easier to hint at them or explore situations where they made themselves known than to reveal the whole complex pattern ... but there's certainly merit in trying!

If you asked me when I was growing up if I felt like a boy or a girl I'd have been more confused than anything. I've only ever been who I am, and everyone tells me I'm a boy. How can I not feel like what I am? And how would I know? On the other hand, if you had asked me I felt masculine I'd have laughed at you. I developed a lot of interests and skills, but you'd never have called me manly. I'm very emotional, I cry easily, and I look for beauty and compassion where others seek strength and control. I'm terrible at confrontations and have never been in a fight in my life. I've always identified more with feminine traits, so why would I never have considered saying I felt like a girl?

Firstly, I guess I didn't know it was an option because nobody ever asked! Things were so black and white growing up it would have been like saying I'd prefer gravity not apply to me. Secondly, I shared the one defining characteristic all boys were supposed to have: I adored girls. I found them fascinating, admirable, and enviable. Surely that meant I was a boy? It took quite a few years for me to realize that I didn't like girls in quite the same way as most guys. I actually liked to talk to them, go shopping for clothes with them, and talk about my feelings with them.

So how do I feel? I feel feminine. I love being gentle and kind, feeling pretty, sharing feelings, and I am fascinated by fashion. Picking out clothes used to be mostly a chore for me unless I could find something silky and decidedly un-masculine - those were always my favorite clothes as a boy. I enjoy putting effort into looking good. I enjoy taking care of my hair, skin and nails. When someone calls me "miss" or "ma'am" it puts a smile on my face, no matter how I'm dressed.

The common theme I've heard from others that I don't share is feelings of shame or attempting to deny my inner feelings. I've been pretty good about embracing them - once I understand them! It's that last part that has taken me so long and that I'm still working on. So in answer to you final question: yes I enjoy making feminine choices, whether in clothing, makeup, or activities, because they feel like my choices. I feel lucky to live in a time when I can explore who I am with little more than ridicule to worry about.

[DonnaT]

So can you help me to begin my understanding of myself as I feel dressing is natural way of expressing my inner self, which I have suppressed for many many years. Inside I have always felt trapped. I now enjoy openly expressing my female side, and the happiness in that is unmeasurable.

Please reply if you can relate, do you feel likewise that you dress and feminise yourself to align whats on the outside with your inside psyche and emotions?

Consciously, I don't feel like a woman and don't dress for that reason.

I dress because of some urge that seems pretty clear to me to be innate.

Maybe, subconsciously, there is a female persona creating these urges. Who knows?