What's wrong with me!

[Hope]

Now this will all sound stupid I'm sure, but I need some help here.

My wonderful spouse is so supportive and always has been. I told her everything I understood well before we were married so she could make a clean break if so desired before things got messy. Seemed only fair to me.

Anyway, I have been planning and looking forward to my annual 'vacation' where for a couple weeks I spend my life as 'her' doing non-boy stuff like sewing, cleaning, cooking, maid service, etc. Yes, I've done this every year for....well about 10 years now and it seems to renew my spirits and invigorate me. She insists she like it because she gets a really clean house, lots of other things done in the way of secretarial tasks, sewing, and so much more. All she says she needs is a few bon-bons and the TV and life couldn't get any better.

Everything was set on the morning before I was to 'take off' so to speak. That afternoon, we received a call from a friend of my wife's asking advice on a purchase. Making the story short, it eventually wound up with my spouse suggesting I would refinish the furniture piece the friend was eyeing because it was a floor sample, and a bit distressed. Instead of sticking to my plan, I felt compelled to forego my plans to accomodate the suggestion. AFter all, I would be delaying my plan, and it isn't really an important plan, just a stupid little thing I happen to enjoy and....(continue self flogging at your leisure)

My lovely wife thought it would only be a couple of hours and I could easily do it in feminine mode anyway. What she didn't understand or think about perhaps was the idea that I was looking forward to spending the time AWAY from boy-mode stuff. I just wanted to take some time away from that occupation for a bit.

I was broken hearted. Sure, I could easily postpone things for a week or whatever time it takes to get that project done, but you know when you have a plan in your head and....well.....grump

The problem now is I am so ashamed of being so 'broken' by this turn, I lost any interest in even considering the vacation time. This happened last year as well, and the prior year was also 'postponed.' Needless to say, this year I was REALLLLLLLY looking forward to the time away from ME.

Now I'm totally bummed, and don't really give a ^$#$( about almost anything. What the heck is wrong with me? My wife is a wonderful partner and has always been so supportive and I can't get it through my stupid brain this delay was no big deal but somehow, it really IS a BIG deal.

Maybe I just need a little time to calm down huh? Any ideas out there? Is this like I thnk it is (acting like a 4 year old with a tantrum) Dang! I have purged everything out of the house and packed it all away and all the preparation was just for practice I guess. I just want to cry I think.

Help?

[Lydia]

Hi Hope,

Let me be brutally frank: Stop whining and consider how fortunate you are. The majority of wives or girl-friends are not cooperative with us CDrs. Some run screaming about the loss of manhood. Your wife is a jewel. You should cherish her. If there is an occasional screwing up of your plans, she sounds like one who would let you make up the femme time in some other way.

I can empathize with you. Many is the time when my long laid plans of dressing up were stymied by some outside influence. It hurts. You're mad. But it is not the end of the world nor an excuse to purge your beloved wardrobe.

Don't give up. There has to be a compromise. And consider your lucky stars.

Hugs,

Lydia

[DonnaT]

My lovely wife thought it would only be a couple of hours and I could easily do it in feminine mode anyway. What she didn't understand or think about perhaps was the idea that I was looking forward to spending the time AWAY from boy-mode stuff. I just wanted to take some time away from that occupation for a bit.

Needless to say, this year I was REALLLLLLLY looking forward to the time away from ME.
(

I guess I can understand your frustration, especially since something has come up in years past. So I'm sorry for your disappointment.

However, maybe you should think of it as a new adventure/experience. As not really "time away" from you, but time to be you completely.

I suggest dressing and carrying on with the task at hand, and see if you can enjoy it a bit more.

So, instead of being frustrated, find a solution. A work around. Who knows, the same thing could continue every year, and every year instead of being disappointed, you can say "no biggy" instead.

[CharLee]

I understand your frustration and can empathise with you about your plans getting stomped on, it has happend to me on several occassions. What I find is that even though I had planned to do certain things, I just put them on "hold " and go about the tasks I am asked to do but do them enfemme. It becomes a challenge to see how a woman would do these things. You then get a better understanding of being a woman and the differculties they have to face in doing such things, ( i.e. boobs getting in the way, hair in your face, breaking a nail, etc. ).
If you really want to be enfemme just refinish the piece dressed as a woman and see how it feels. You might even enjoy doing it as a woman, I know I do.
But if you feel that you cannot do it dressed, so be it. Do the task, put off your plans until it is done, then go about what you have planned. Just be thankful thaty your wife supports you in your Crossdressing, you are one of the lucky ones.

[Hope]

Charlee,

Enjoyed visiting the Cape a couple years ago. I dream of Jeanie Lane? FOR SURE!

My wife suggested working on the item dressed. Unfortunately, it's a messy process and DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DRESSES COST? It's not really a good option. But I do understand your suggestion.

The point for me though really is taking a vacation from me. I know Donna, but I don't want anything to do with guy stuff for a bit. Hard to believe huh? It's not that I'm trying to be all of me, and enjoy all of me, I just can't explain I don't think.

Oh well. I'll keep working and you never know.....maybe next year...
Still just want to spill a few self pity tears I think. Wouldn't do any good of course but at least I don't have to worry about the mascara running? LOL

Hope (springs eternal)

[Kyra]

Hi Hope,
If there's no putting off the refinishing job, and you can't find a workaround en femme, it looks like you'll just have to do it.

But that's life! All the best laid plans in the world can't take into account all the little things that life throws at us. I know it's a real let-down. I know how you feel, and I'd venture to say a lot of people can say the same.

Don't let it ruin all your plans though, I'm sure you'll find time to let your femme side out.
I'll echo what the others have said too, you've a gem for a wife! Supportive spouses and partners are wonderful and should be cherished!

I hope the delay doesn't get you too down. Keep thinking about the nice luxurious bath you can have when you're finished!

Hugs,
Kyra

[Virginia]

I am somewhat at a loss as to your delima. Are you going to your friend's house to do the work or is it being brought to your house and you are afraid someone will walk in on you?

I enjoy watching the DIY shows on home repair and remodeling and there sure a a lot of girls doing construction on those shows. Swinging sledge hammers and using all kinds of power tools and moving furniture and tiling bath rooms and doing plumbing,etc, so have at it!

A couple of years ago when I was "flipping houses" I use to dress while I did work, virtually everything, from carpentery to window installation, to laying carpet, so it is not that unusual and it did give me a different perspective on each chore.

Let us know what you decide.

Virginia

[Anita]

Hi Hope-
I'd feel the same way you do about this. For one thing, my partners don't schedule me for anything without asking first--no matter how easy they think it's going to be for me. Your wife may be supportive, but it sounds like she's not altogether comfortable with your "vacation." Otherwise, she would know that this time is set in stone for you. I don't know why the last two years have been the same way, but that would add to the upset for me, also.

When I'm dressed, I don't mind doing errands or shopping for groceries. I can go to meetings OK. But I don't want to work at manual labor, and trying to do chores around the house is harder dressed. It distracts me. Besides that, if it's real grunge work, I'm going to be dressed like anyone else, boy or girl; I'll have on sweats and an old t-shirt.

Don't scold your wife, but it does sound like you need to let her know how this is affecting you.

[KimberlyS]

I have long lost count the number of times I was planning on getting some femme time and something came up and plans changed. No I did not like it but this does not just happen with femme time. It is life. In general we must learn to be flexible.

Sounds like you needed a trip to the second hand store for some femme clothes you could get messy. Or just delay your femme vacation. It also sounds like maybe you should express your feelings to your wife. If she is as supportive as you say, maybe she needs to know the importance to you to keep the scheduled time in the future. If she knows how important it is to you she can help work things around it.

I hope your femme time works out soon.

kim
joe in a skirt

[Absaroka]

Let me get this right, you're bitching about not being able to cook and clean?

Seriously, when we plan these little vacations for once a year it's only natural to be disappointed when they don't work out as we planned them. maybe you can do some of these things at another time?

Here's another perspective. Folks who have transitioned sometimes say (Diedre McClosky writes very strongly about this) that becoming a woman was for her about being more oriented towards the needs of others, doing things for others, and so on. Of course that's a stereotype, but then so is cooking and cleaning. So maybe you can get in touch with your inner woman by doing something nice for other women, namely your wife and her friend. I don't know if this is part of it but you could think of it as submitting to their wishes if you wanted.

I also go with the idea of buying some old womens work clothes. I find l like doing stuff like weeding the garden, hanging out the laundry, and chopping wood and doing carpentry in and old skirt and casual top. Of course long flowing garments and power tools don't mix at all.

My grandmother chopped wood, killed the chickens, got water from the well, went fishing, and cleaned the outhouse all in a dress. And also in the below zero temperatures of the North Woods in winter. I'm not sure what she considered man's work to be but she thought of all of this as womens work. I think Carol Ann here does a lot of the same things.

All this aside as I said it's natural to be disappointed when our plans don't work out. But with a wife as supportive as yours I would think adaptation is possible. And if you insist on it being your way that's bound to be a turn off for her.

Absaroka

[Hope]

It's really nice to have a group with so many points of view. I thank you all for your words and thoughts about the subject.

My oh-so-wonderful wife and I talked last night, and again today. I had been having trouble trying to figure out just what the *$$^% my brain was doing that made me so irritated and....well....angry? FINALLY, the old grey matter hiccupped and I figured it out! The difficulty was to try to explain it so someone outside MY brain (like my Wife) could understand.

What it comes down to is this:

I knew I could just reschedule. That wasn't the problem. I knew she understood how I had been looking SO forward to this time (we had even talked about that earlier in the day that day) but that wasn't the problem. Still, for just a moment, I was REALLY ticked she would even consider getting me into a situation where I would roll with the needs of someone else DELAYING what I had planned for weeks! (course, looking back I'm not sure it's fair to say SHE put me in the situation but hey...why not blame it on that? LOL)

Now....that feeling of being irritated at her lasted just about two heartbeats mind you. Then (and I'm sure a lot of you know this feeling) I got really REALLY angry with ME for being irritated like that. And the more angry I got with me, the more I started the usual kicking myself and slipping back to the good old "what a pervert! Why can't you just forget about this silly HOBBY of yours and be a man for )(*&^(*&^ sake! (sound familiar to anyone?????) Then of course, the ever popular 'purge' of all thoughts about indulging my own wants for something so STUPID.....etc. etc.

So after a few days of self deprication and moping around feeling stupid, useless, lower than a snail in a wagon rut, packing away all my clothes, shoes, etc. I began to understand I wasn't angry at her, the project for the friend, or the delay. I was angry at ME!

Yes, all who commented on this, I understand more than you may ever know how I AM one of the lucky ones here. I have managed somehow to become the spouse of a really wonderful person who accepts all of me a lot more than I accept all of me. And because she read the responses too noticed that I failed to hadn't pointed out this vacation time isn't the ONLY time I play, I'll set the record straight and acknowlege that tidbit.

The horrible part (beyond the obvious 4 year old behavior) is that I get really quiet around her. She thinks (of course) it's because I'm mad at her. When I explained that it was because it was just smarter for me to keep my mouth shut she assumed I was afraid I would lash out with hurtful comments to her. No....the reason I'm quiet and not saying things to her is because I would lash out, but at my own stupidity, not her. And Lord knows I don't need to provide audible proof of my idiocy now do I?

Sigh......Why is it so hard to learn at this age?

It's nice to be calming down now that I understand better what the heck just happened. But....sanding, slopping gel-stain and varnish, more sanding, IN A DRESS? I have much more respect for those clothes than THAT (LOL).

Oh, and I'm really sorry Donna, but...it really is time away from me in the sense I don't do guy stuff. Don't want to, don't need to, and enjoy ignoring that part for a bit. (Not ALL the guy stuff mind you.... )

Hope (it never goes out of style)

[Elizabeth]

Hi Hope,

I don't see this as a crossdresser problem. I see this as a respect issue. I do not allow my wife or anyone else to make commitments for me. Perhaps she would like it if you told your neighbor that your wife would clean their house next time you wife is planning something.

Your wife should have called you and asked you if you would do it, and if so when you would do it. If I were you I would have a talk with her about making commitments for you and your abilities. To me, this is totally out of bounds and disrespectful to you. If my wife made a commitment like that for me, I would refuse to do it and embarrass her and she would not do it again.

The problem is not you and it has nothing to do with your wife approving of your dressing or not. You are not obligated to do work for others on your wife's whims simply because she allows you to dress. And it's just downright rude for her to commit you when you already had plans.

I am sorry if you are offended, that is not my intent, but that is how I see it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Hope]

Oh my....I think there is still a problem with my communication isn't there?

SHE didn't commit me to the project, I did that. I mean, if you want to say she could have suggested at the time that perhaps it would be wise to delay taking on the project sure, but that really wasn't her place I don't think. Nope, I gotta take the blame for the acceptance issue.

Sorry if you misunderstood Elizabeth (or anyone else for that matter). The issue simply was....ME (again!)

[Elizabeth]

Oh my....I think there is still a problem with my communication isn't there?
...

Hi Hope,

it eventually wound up with my spouse suggesting I would refinish the furniture piece the friend was eyeing because it was a floor sample, and a bit distressed.

This is where I got the idea your wife committed you. If that is not the case, then yes, I was mistaken and apologize for my misinterpretation.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kimberly Kael]

I can definitely understand your frustration and empathize with your disappointment over your last-minute change in plans. That said, I think there are definitely healthier ways to approach the situation.

The grumpy, angry response is so typically masculine that it seems like an ideal opportunity to explore the other options available to you. There's so much more emotional range that you can channel into, and a good opportunity for an open, honest conversation with your wife about how you feel. Make it clear that you don't blame her and you're not looking for her to fix things, but you'd like her to understand how disappointed you are and how much you were looking forward to spending some girl time. Voice your sorrow, let her explore it with you, and make sure you're finding ways to feel closer to her rather than driving a wedge between you.

Others have already pointed out that dressing feminine can mean more than putting on a frilly dress. Women refinish things too, and expanding your wardrobe to include work-wear might mean you don't have to go as long between indulgences.

... and if none of that sounds like you, please ignore me and find your own way! Just don't let it eat at you without doing something productive. I appreciate your willingness to share and hope you find something positive to do to salvage the situation.

Hugs,