Rough beginning thoughts

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:02 pm

Hi All—
I’m not sure I’ve ever posted about this, but it was a big piece of my first months “out” as a woman.

Lots of us on here have talked about the exhilaration we felt when going out for the first time in public. I know that I did—I couldn’t believe that I was really DOING this. I would not have been any more amazed if I’d suddenly learned to fly with just my arms outstretched.

I kept going out, once or twice a week during those first few months. Things went well; I went out in the daytime, I shopped at grocery stores, and I shopped at mainstream department stores. Overall, there were few hassles.

The dark cloud that came in had little to do with my experiences “out there.” It was an internal one; a voice that said, “Someone is going to take this all away.” I tried to ignore it, but I knew that it could be a real challenge. I might not have been breaking any laws, but I knew that I was being defiant in a way that I never had before.

Who was that “someone?” First of all was me, myself! Would I have the courage to keep doing this if it suddenly got a lot rougher out there? Name calling and threats and who knows what? I hadn’t seen any of this, but what if it started happening?

On a secondary level, what if family and friends started slowly cutting me out of their lives? Could I handle that? Initial responses were one thing—they were puzzled, but accepting. It’s the weeks and months after that tell the real story—can they deal with it, or is it too much?

The third part of this was the rest of the society. Were the police going to start taking an interest in me wherever I went, or would people bar me from meetings for one reason or another?

For about two months, I dealt with the questioning and the doubts. On the one hand, I was going out and discovering joyful things that I could have never imagined. On the other hand, I saw more and more that I was not going to be able to go backward, no matter how much pressure people applied to me. So if “someone” was going to try to change me, it was going to be a standstill. The cork was out of the bottle—no way could I ignore what I’d learned by being out. The pressure never came, in my case. After about three months, I saw that I was able to pay whatever price it took to be “me,” and the darkness went away.

The little voice I heard was not just an overactive imagination. I think that perhaps my parents punished me for dressing up at three, so I did have an experience of it being “taken away.” Certainly spouses, SOs, and family members can put a lot of pressure on us. But I want to emphasize that these feelings came up for me, too, and I had no SO or close family to object. I kept searching my mind for “who” was going to carry out this threat to my new girlself, and the answer kept coming back to “me.” I was the only one who really controlled her destiny, and no one else could stop me. When I finally relaxed and accepted that she was here to stay, a great weight lifted off of me.

Leeza · Post by **Leeza** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 7:01 am

I think in most instances in life the biggest obsticle to our enjoyment or progress is "me".

In looking back I know that my biggest obsticle in life in general was the "me" factor. It had very little to do with what others thought or did, but it was what I thought others would think of me or do to me.

Life has been so much more enjoyable after I accepted me for me and countinued on from there.

Leeza

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 8:36 am

Hi Anita,
I guess growing up I was a very lucky person as in the beginning it was hard on my mother but she let me dress only at home and after a year or so we would go out together.

My wife just love it to no end and we both had a ton of fun. Now as I believe I am getting to a point in my life where I don't feel as if I pass that well anymore I like you am having those feelings of people picking on me calling me names and more or less shunning my wife.

I have had 56 years of fun and joy, and dressing is just so normal to me I don't believe I can give it up as I am who I am and that's it. But for the sack of the family and keeping the peace in the world I will just keep it at home anymore and be happy.

Girl you are a young person yet, live and love your life and don't look back.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 9:12 am

Thanks Anita for a very good post..

I can't relate to those feelings in terms of going out as people here know. But I can relate to that little voice in my mind warning me that I am turning down a new path, that I may not be able to turn back, and maybe I should abandon this whole idea.

I think it's a healthy fear if not always one to be heeded. Sometimes I needed to pause, ask is this what I really want to do, and then forge ahead. Other times after that pause it was time to change direction altogether. As for the fear that it might be taken away, it was more the fear that in embracing the change that something else might be taken away, that I might become someone I was not. So I guess my response is a bit off topic, not really what you are talking about, except at the gut level of internal alarms that are sometimes hard to decipher.

Absaroka

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:04 pm

Thanks for the reply, Leeza. The quote from Pogo, Walt Kelly's comic strip, has come up here before: "We have met the enemy, and he is us."
It is hard not to have doubts about this, esp. in the beginning--I'm glad you found your peace with it.

Carol Ann--
I know that you're keeping it at home for the sake of your wife, but you did recently have to deal with your son discovering you. I hope that has continued to go OK for you.

Absaroka wrote:

it was more the fear that in embracing the change that something else might be taken away, that I might become someone I was not.

That is part of the doubts at the beginning, for sure, so it's not really off-topic. That doubt--of becoming something that I was not--was more part of the first discovery that "she" was in there. All my life, I had never acknowledged her to anyone. To do so was going to change everyone's perception of me, forever. That is such a big step, and once it's done, there's no going back to what was.

So I thought a lot about, "If I do this, it's permanent. It's not just a passing whim, is it?" But I saw that it wasn't going to go away, so it made it easier to think about making the change.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:44 pm

Each of us seem to have different mind sets and questions as to why. For me I guess initially it was the thrill of competition. Being an athlete, I took it as a competitive event. Could I dress well enough to pass and act and "be" Virginia? I was not trying to justify who I was but I wanted to justify to the "great unwashed" that I was a woman, thus the challenge to myself. Well after the first few times and the negative comments to me as a woman but positive to my male alter-ego, the competitive aspect seemed to go away and the more I studied and learned about my sisters on this forum and about Virginia, it just became the fact that this is who I had been repressing, supressing, ignoring, all my life and now she was me, I was her and she was here to stay and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

Loving my "Magical Mystery Tour!" and being an "interesting distraction!"

Virginia

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 6:34 am

Hi girls,

I can't say that I was worried about someone taking it away as much as I was worried that my life would become unmanageable. Before I understood divorce law in California, which I was in the middle of, I worried that my kids my be taken away from me. That I might be kicked out of my apartment and not be able to find another.

I knew I was never going back. There was nothing gradual about it for me. I mean maybe slightly. It was only a matter of about two months from the time I joined here and the time I went full time. And when I joined here, I had not crossdressed in 14 years, other than underdressing. I had pierced both my ears and my nipples, but never any makeup or wearing girls clothes, other than panties and the occasional stockings.

When I went out dressed for the first time, I knew it was a life change, not a test. It didn't matter if I was passable or not. I didn't even wear breastforms or a wig. I was going to present myself as a woman the best I could and not really care what anyone thought. It was do or die for me.

Quite literally, if I would have been completely humiliated or had my kids taken from me, my intention was to kill myself. I was going to live as the person I always felt I was, or I was not going to live at all. I can't go back to living as a man. I won't. It means unhappiness. I don't want to live unhappy anymore. I did that long enough.

So I go out every day with a great attitude. I got everything I always wanted. I have a loving soulmate. I have loving children with whom I am very involved in their lives. And I get to live my life as Elizabeth which keeps a smile on my face every second. I never forget how lucky I am. I am living my dream.

The only person that can take it away, is me.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:38 pm

Virginia wrote:

the more I studied and learned about my sisters on this forum and about Virginia, it just became the fact that this is who I had been repressing, supressing, ignoring, all my life and now she was me, I was her and she was here to stay and I LOVE IT!

Hi Virginia--
This forum is a valuable for all of us who are here, and I would have benefited in having it around in those days. That's OK--I made it through, and came here eventually.

It sure takes a lot of vitality to 'repress, suppress, and ignore,' doesn't it? You get to around 40, say, and you just don't have the surplus energy to do it so easily. Hence the "choice" starts to pop up in your thoughts.

Elizabeth wrote:

When I went out dressed for the first time, I knew it was a life change, not a test

Hi Elizabeth--
By the time I went out, I knew it was a no-return situation, too. There was a me-against-the-world feeling that I'd never experienced so deeply. Along with that, there were also new feelings associated with being the new "me," that helped me tremendously. Like Virginia cheering on her male alter-ego in competition, I found that I had an ally that I'd never counted on having.

"She" was me, but a part of me that I'd not been able to access before, and I was never going to go back to that part of me being walled off.
It really didn't matter how extreme it seemed to my sisters, for instance. I'd already tried all the compromises, and they hadn't worked.

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 6:35 pm

Anita,

I am glad you started this thread and shared your story.At this point in my life these threads are the ones keeping me going as I attempt to regain my confidence and sense of self worth.I feel less alone as I read storys of how others struggle as I do.The lack of acceptance or even tolerance from family and friends has caused me to be much tougher on myself than I should.As you say,I am my own worst enemy at the moment.I know I will get past this as you and others have.I will find my strength once again thanks in part to all here.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:29 pm

Jennifer wrote:

I know I will get past this as you and others have.I will find my strength once again thanks in part to all here

Hi Jennifer--
Thanks for replying. The strength and support that I got from my girl side was a totally unexpected gift. It was surprising to find out that whatever my femme side was, she had a strong will of her own. She went where "I" would never have gone, and the sky didn't fall in. The gains she made stayed in place.

But I did get acceptance, grudging as it might have been in some cases. So no one was making it difficult for me to experiment with being the new self. Online support is worth a lot; I would hope that somehow, support can start showing up around your neighborhood, too. I know you have told us why there's no support group that you can rely on, but I've forgotten the details. Once again, I'd say that even if it's a long drive once a month, it's worth it.

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Sat Feb 21, 2009 10:51 pm

Hi Anita,

The only group I was aware of was TGIC in Albany.One person from the group along with my then wife helped me find the courage to be myself.Thats when Jennifer started going out,I did enjoy being out and being a whole person by finally expressing both genders.

Long story short,the group split and disbanded.The divorce happened shortly after.Two hard blows and loss of all my support crushed my spirit and destroyed my self confidence.That was back in 2004,I have been trying to get both back since then.Slowly its coming back,I havent found another group that close(Albany is 100 miles away,one way).I do appreciate the kindness and support I have found here,I thank you all.

Geri Robinson · Post by **Geri Robinson** » Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:20 pm

Jennifer,
Have you looked into a group called TriEss

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Mon Feb 23, 2009 9:12 am

Hi Anita

It's amazing how one seemingly small incident in our childhood can come back to haunt us years later. I'm glad you managed to work through your fears because as you now know, that's really all they were. The old cliche that fear is our own worst enemy is so true. However, reconciling that is not always easy. Thankfully, if we have the love and support of people close to us, we can overcome them. If we don't, then yes, it may take a little longer. The important thing is knowing we aren't doing anything wrong, so we WILL get there eventually.

Finding that courage as you have is an inspiration to others. Thanks for sharing.

Stephanie

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:10 pm

Geri, I have looked but I the closest I have found is in Rochester,250 miles away.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:25 am

Stephanie W wrote:

Thankfully, if we have the love and support of people close to us, we can overcome them. If we don't, then yes, it may take a little longer. The important thing is knowing we aren't doing anything wrong, so we WILL get there eventually.

I did find support, in those first few months, but the majority of the support came from my new-found abilities to deal with people in a different way. Thanks for checking in, Stephanie. May we all keep going out there, and learning.