Nightmare

[Falen]

Due to the nature of this post by Falen, reader discretion is advised. Falen's original post stretched over 6 posts (due to 'limited space on psp'); I have merged all 6 posts into this one for easier reading. Otherwise, no changes have been made.

- SL


A couple of nights ago I had, what at the time, was a dream. During the dream it didnt scare me, only after when I remembered it did it scare me. The first bit of the dream I remember started with me going into a wooden trap-door on the floor down wood stairs at the bottom the room was dimly lit in yellow light as if by invisible torches. the room had only 3 feet to the right and in front of the stairs. It had dirt floors and dirty worn brick walls that looked almost smooth. (sorry. limited space on psp.)

(continued) Directly infront of the stairs was a hole to a small room. It was lit the same way as the previous room with the same type of floors and walls. inside was a plain wooden bench, I went inside and sat on it. Somehow, without taking them off my pants and shoes were gone, and a hooked razor knife in my hand. I looked down and and saw my penis, I grabed the end, pulled it taught, and began cutting at the base it came off very easy and, strangely did not bleed. (Sorry again.)

(cont.) I repeated the process on the scrotom and testes. looking down I saw three small tubes surounded by a red gory mess, yet still no bleeding, no pain. I stood up and my pants and shoe were back again and the razor knife gone there was a cold feeling were my penis had been. I exited the small room and went up the same stairs I had entered from. As I steped out of the room, I relized I wasnt in the same place I had come from. I recognized it as part of my school but not my school from real life. (Sorry)

(Cont.) The room I was in was huge, it was two stories tall. the room had four large square columes, one in each crnner. It also had a stair case going up it on the far wall that U turned half way up to conect to the wall on my right. the room was open to the outdoors on two sides the left wall was non existent, and the wall infront of me had only the left half, at the edge of witch the stairs started. outside the weather looked grey but I had the distinct impresion it was summer. (Sorry again)

(Cont.) The entire room was made of a blue-grey concrete that was prety smoth the floors,however were completly smooth but of the same material. Around the left of the door infront of me someone came twords me. Someone I recogized as a freind, but as with the school wasnt out side of the dream. he had brown anime hair and a purple japeneese school uniform. He walked up to me and asked were I had been. I told him I did not know. he said that I should falow him as not miss a bus trip I had won. (Sorry)

I looked down and saw blood seep through my pants.
I cant remember anything past that. the part that disturbed me the most was tha I wasnt scared or angry or anything while dreaming I was just calm. after I woke up I was honestly afraid I might snap soon and do somthing like this.

-Falen

[Anita]

Hi Falen--
My support group has one guideline that says, "Speak from your own experience," and that's all I can try to do here. I'm not sure what I would do if I woke up from the dream you describe, AND, wondered if I would
'snap,' and act it out.

In 2008, you said you were 14. So, tough as it may be, it seems like you've got to confide in at least one of your parents. Not so much to talk to them about it, but to get access to counselors that your health care plan might have.

If there's no health care plan in your family, then you might try to get into a program through a local college. We have one here, where supervised graduate students do counseling on a sliding scale, and they go down to as low as $20 a session. Given our ridiculous cost of living here, that's reasonable. You can probably find it even cheaper, in northern Ohio.

It just seems like you've got to be able to talk to someone about this, and professionals are taught how to deal with extremes in a way that parents and friends can't begin to do. Especially if your friends and family don't know you have gender issues, and that's a high probability.

I mean, if you're sitting down and reading my post right now, you know intellectually that injuring yourself on a whim is not going to solve any issues you have with being male. There's no quick and easy answers to gender discomfort. Hang in there, Falen.

[Amelie-Laveau]

I am not an expert, so what I say is just my opinion and from my observations and being with others similar to me.

You have had a typical transsexual dream, I have had this dream quite a few times but the scenarios are different from yours, my dreams would relate to places that I know or seen. I have heard from other transsexuals that some transsexuals actually do self mutate themselves. That way when they go to the hospital they hope that the hospital will give them gender changing surgery. But this sounds to be a dangerous way to go at getting surgery. But to some transsexuals, the desire to be a woman can be great, so much so that some go to harsh extremes to achieve the body of a woman. I guess in one way the desire to be a woman is just as great if not more so as the cd who has the deep needs to wear women’s clothes . A cd sometimes can go to extremes just to be able to dress as a woman,, well, the desire for some of transsexuals to become woman is great and we sometimes go to extremes to get what we want, especially if some of us don’t have the funds or don’t have the mental stability to get a shrinks OK.

But still, it is just a dream,, one can dream of murdering someone, this doesn’t mean that they will commit the act in real life. All your dream does in my opinion, is show how deeply you feel about yourself and probably the desire to be a woman, if not actually, then sub consciously.


Again, I’m not an expert,, I get most of my info from Vertigo Comics.


PS- I am glad that the mods didn't delete Fallens post because of it's content, this dream is common among transsexuals and should be discussed,, it is a serious topic anong transsexuals,, thanks.

[Absaroka]

I've had very disturbing dreams. I think most people do. It is important to remember that they are dreams. Sometimes I have learned something from them.

I'm going to agree strongly with what's been said here. If the dream is really troubling to you, or if you EVER have actual thoughts of hurting your self, or of self mutilations, see someone professional. That sort of thing is way past our ability to help you with in this format.

I've had times in my life when I felt quite desperate, quite at a loss as to how to handle very confusing and disturbing long term situations. Although I sometimes got very angry with the therapist I found, in retrospect he was very helpful. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it.


Keep us informed.
Absaroka

[Falen]

thank you all for the posts. I will keep all your comments in mind. Also, thanks Silver Lady for not deleting my post(s), and even fusing them to.