It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch . . '
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'CRAP!' said the Hypnotist. (Seriously sanitized version).
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
I'm sure this is in here somewhere, but I just received it from a friend and had to pass it on.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.. He's been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful,
wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you're the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
'No,' she replies. . .
Wait for it. ...
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. - Leonardo DaVinci
A mouse goes into a music shop on a Monday morning, scuttles up to the counter and says to the surprised shop assistant, who didn’t really like mice “Have you got any mouse organs?” The assistant said. ”No, I’m sorry we haven’t, but if you come in again on Thursday, we’ll have some then.” The mouse said thank you and scuttled out of the shop.
On Tuesday a mouse goes into the music shop and scuttles up to the same assistant, who still didn’t like mice “Have you got any mouse organs?” The assistant said. ”No, as I said yesterday we haven’t got any, but if you come in again on Thursday, we’ll have some then.” The mouse said thank you and scuttled out of the shop.
On Wednesday a mouse goes into the music shop and scuttles up to the same assistant, who’s liking for mice hasn’t improved “Have you got any mouse organs?” The assistant yelled. ”No, as I said yesterday and Monday we haven’t got any, but if you come in tomorrow, we’ll have some then.”
“Do you always shout at your customers?” said the shocked mouse. “No.” the assistant replied. “You’ve been in here three times now asking for a mouse organ and three times I’ve said we will have them on Thursday.” “I’ve never been in here before.” said the mouse, “That must have been our Monica.”
Second Princess of Sussex
Visa La France!
Don't leave your Chateau without it.
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'.
Second Princess of Sussex
Visa La France!
Don't leave your Chateau without it.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S backside OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S backside.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST backside IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS backside FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER backside IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's backside and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
Haven't seen anything here for some time - Now time to add another oldie:
My friend Max was having a hard time finding a job. Finally, I heard he landed one. The next time I saw him he was standing in midtown at a busy street corner, just looking up.
"Did you get the job?", I asked.
"Yep", he said, "I'm working now. I'm a Sign Watcher."
"What?", I said incredulously.
"Well, you see that sign up ther?", he pointed.
I looked and there was a big electric letter sign saying:
"KOTEX IS USED BY COUNTLESS WOMEN"
He continued, "If the 'O' drops out of 'COUNTLESS', I run like hell and call the electrician."
Hugs,
Lydia
"There comes a time ... when you must grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation."
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron,' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
Second Princess of Sussex
Visa La France!
Don't leave your Chateau without it.
