Help and advice please what am I?

[Sophie-W]

When I was a young child I was small for my age and very shy .I felt that I didn't fit in with the boys or girls .When I got old enough to be left at home by myself , I would wear my mum's clothes ,I loved how they felt .
As time went by I got my own flat and started cross dressing .I then got a bit bolder and started going into different towns , but never close to where I lived for fear of seeing someone I new .I am a loner and have no friends , that doesn't bother me .In time I started to feel lonely , and decided to get a girlfriend .(I am not sexually attracted to men )
I met a wonderful woman , we have been together for 13 years , married for 6 years .I never told her about the cross dressing .I didn't dress for 7 years , as I never got the chance to .In 2002 we got married , my wife bought a shop , which meant she had to work on Saturday .So each Saturday I would dress ,my wife suspected nothing of this .
3 years ago we moved to Spain ,I thought a new start ,I got rid of all my female things .Last December my wife went back to the UK for 2 weeks ,a few days before this I had decided that I was going to buy a dress and shoes .As soon has I got home from work I would change into the dress ,I even spent the weekends in the dress .The second weekend I thought ,just 1 more week to dress , then thats it until next year .I broke down and spent the rest of the week crying .During this I started looking on Transgender sites , trying to get some answers I even looked at sex change sites .In my mind I had decided that I wanted to be a girl ,I am so confused .When my wife came home she know something was wrong , and kept asking me what was wrong .
The next day I devastated her world ,I broke down and blurted out that I wanted to be a girl ,I told her everything .She took this very badly .She has said that I can dress on Sunday , the last time she even came and sat with me .This week she bought me some tights , make up bag ,lacy knickers and a eye liner pencil .she feels that she has accepted this , but if I have a sex change that it .It has affected her health , she took a overdose and went into a coma , it was lucky that I went into the room where she was , when I did .The doctors said she was in a very bad way .She has been diagnosed with clinical depression and Dissoctive Identity Dissorder .
I really don't know what I want, I never thought about a sex change until that weekend .We have done a lot of talking over this , and some of the things my wife has said make sense , things I had not thought about .It is making me question what I want .I don't know why this happened ,I have a lovely wife who I love , we live in a lovely country ,I have a good job ,we don't have a mortgage or any debt , so why now I ask myself ?
I am going to see a Psychologist next month , all I want is a solution .
Has anybody else experienced anything like this .

[Anita]

Hi Sophie--
First let me welcome you to the forum. There are people here who have gone through what you're experiencing right now, so there are ways to come out on the other side. There are choices to be made along the way, and that's where you have to be "awake."

You listen to other's stories, and then you ask yourself, "What do I want and need, right now?" It sounds like a selfish question, but it's not, really. Unless you're clear about what you need, you can't really help your wife or anyone else understand what they can do to work with you on this.

If you're going to see a psychologist, that's great, but I would hope that this person knows something about transgender issues, OR, will refer you to someone who does. Too many of us end up teaching our therapists about transgender issues; that's OK if we didn't know the issues were there in the beginning. But you know it's got something to do with your need to express a female side.

I don't know why this happened ,I have a lovely wife who I love , we live in a lovely country ,I have a good job ,we don't have a mortgage or any debt , so why now I ask myself ?

Success in the world outside doesn't seem to have anything to do with the need to express a female self. No amount of another person’s love or your own money is enough to satisfy an inner need like this one. We have certainly all tried to use outside activities to distract ourselves, and we’ve also tried to seek out partners so we could put all our needs for “femaleness” on them—I know that I did this, and was even successful at it for many years.

I might have easily gone on being successful at it, too—I think there are many men who are borderline transgender, but never appear to cross that line. They put all their feelings of their own femaleness into their relationships; they let their wives act out all of that side of the gender behaviors.

But for me, the more “successful” my relationships were, the more they showed me that none of them were ever going to be able to substitute for me having my own version of femaleness out there in the world. That may not be comforting for you to hear right now, but it can explain why no matter how loving or attentive your wife is, it’s not her fault that this need has come up.

She can also join this forum, by the way, and there is a section that is for wives and significant others only. Also, you can join the Transgender forum here, as some of your questions concern surgery and transition. But you may not need to do surgery or hormones—you may be satisfied with just going out as a woman occasionally, for instance.

You don’t know at the beginning, because all the feelings seem new and extreme. I was in a panic at the very beginnning because of this; I had no idea how far I would need to go to deal with the new feelings. It turned out that I didn’t need to live fulltime as a woman, or to take hormones, but I couldn’t figure this out until I’d been around other transgender women at support groups. Talking to them, or to a therapist, you get to hear yourself for the first time, and you can begin to notice what you really want out of this, hopefully.

Just know you're not alone, OK?

[Amelie-Laveau]

Funny thing,, I can releae more to your wife than what you are going through having tried to off myself and also having DID myself.

But for you I say this,, ask lots of questions, have others ask questions to you, sometimes you may not ask yourself the right questions. Going the route of becoming a woman isn't easy, one should take time to figure things out.

My feeling might upset you,, but i would consider what your wife has to say, take in some of her thoughts as well, you did marry her so I assume that you love her as well and as such her feelings do matter.

Good luck with whatever path you take and feel free to ask questions here at this site as well as asking questions elsewhere, get all the info so you can make a good decision.

[Virginia]

Hi Sophie,

Well, you will find that there are those of us here who can say, "been there done that." Maybe a different response here or there, but first, a lot of what Anita has said is very important. Going to a counselor is critical but make sure that they are "qualified" in dealing with transgendered individuals and issues. Your there for counselling, not to be a teacher.

As for your wife, for those that find out about our "gift," after the fact in virtually every situation, the first question is "are you gay?" and the second is "are you going to transition?" You have moved to the second question, but I am given somewhat to the feeling that perhaps your not 100% sure that this is the right thing for you to pursue. We have a motto on this forum for most of what you have been through, "baby steps, just baby steps." If you love your wife and it would appear that you do, you have to give her some time to absorb this "news" even after her reaction with was extreme or would seem so in some circles, but anyway it has happened and now you have to deal with it. I would recommend that you let her make the next move. Not superficial, like buying you "girly" stuff, but let her talk about how she feels and/or why she bought you --whatever she did! The proverbial ball is in her court so let her let her feelings out.

From your prospective however, you are not crazy or a weird-o. If I may, we who are who we are, actually have "gift." At least I think of it as a "gift." Like athletic prowess, we just have to learn to accept it, use it to help others, share it, grow in it.

Further research you will find too, that more and more scientific evidence points to the fact that we were born this way. It is NOT a choice and we learn to deal with it.

Please stay and continue to share with us. You will find some very brilliant sisters here and many can share a vast amount of knowledge with you.

We are all here to support one another.

Love,

Virginia

[Victoria]

I want to echo Virginia's voice in that you are not a weirdo, because I felt that for so long it isn't even funny. I am Victoria Rose and I can finally say that with conviction. I like my name and I chose it. A lot of girls choose their name by taking their masculine name and femming it and I also liked that because Michael became Michelle but I also love the name Victoria and so I became Michelle Victoria and all that to let you know that this journey has taken a long time and on it goes with its continuing twists and turns, hills and valleys.
Sophie, at this time I believe myself to be, if I must choose a label,a t-girl. I love being a girl but don't have any desire nor see any need to remove my man parts because I am married and still want to be able to (someday) perform as a man once in a while for my wife. I love dressing and I dress under my clothes and wear make-up and might as well be a girl while I am working. In that, I am fortunate, because I decided to do that this year and so far it has worked well for me. At 53 this was the year I finally said no more hiding, no more trying to live for someone else or just to get the approval of someone else. I still struggle and I still have butterflies just as I did before a performance but Vicki is a part of me and I am learning how to deal with that part of my life that is worthy of that acceptance whether anyone else wants her or not.
Years ago, I also tried to take my life and as I look back on it now, for what? because I like feeling pretty? Because I wanted to wear a dress or skirt or know what it is like to have long hair? Maybe red nails? How lame is that? Well I won't purge again and I won't stop being who I am until I come to that point where I can make that decision fully by myself and for myself and because I have decided that this is not something that I want in my life. Guess what girls, I don't see that happenning anytime soon if ever, thank God!
Vicki

[DonnaT]

There's a big difference between wanting to be a girl/woman and crossdressing.

A number of CDs get in a pink fog when they've had an unencumbered chance to dress for a significant period of time. Sometimes they get confused as to whether they are CD or TS.

One question to ask yourself is, do I want this so I can dress enfemme, or do I want this to live the rest of my life as a woman?

It may take a good therapist to help you figure out what it is you really need.

Note that some who identify as TS still do not transition, for a number of reasons. One which may be their relationship with their wife.

So, even if you do conclude you are TS instead of CD, that does not mean you have to transition.

[Sophie-W]

Hi
.I really don't know what happened to me that weekend ,I think it might have been some sort of mental break down .After all I had not CD for nearly 3 years . When I do dress , its like some sort of release , if that makes sense .I am not effeminate in any of my ways or mannerism .The Sunday that my wife sat with me , she was observing me ,at the time I was doing a jig saw .
She said that she saw nothing at all feminine with me , EG the way I walked , sat or moved about .She said all she saw was me dressed nothing more .And thinking about it she is right .
I suffer from low self esteem , and lack confidence .
The other night my wife suggested that we go out with me dressed to see what response I got .I said fine but not to the local town ,I didn't want to be recognised .We did go out but I did not dress .
They was one occasion quite a few years back ,I drove to a town away from where I lived .It was night time , I just went to the cash machine .As I was walking back to the car , a guy who was a fair distance from me ,whistled at me .I was really scared and walked faster to the car ,Im just glad that he was not any closer , has he would have known I was a man dressed , and who knows what might of happened .

[Sophie-W]

.She has taken this very badly .She did say that she could live cope with me CD , but not if I have a sex change .She keeps saying why didn't you let me die . why did you come into the room when

you did .she has even text me saying she wants to die
I know that she is not bluffing or trying to manipulate me .When she came and sat with me when I was dressed , she said that she felt ready to handle it .I had my doubts , I thought it was to soon for her .She has been away for 3 days , she told me that she was working in the garden ,when the image of me dressed came into her head , she could not stop crying ,she is very depressed .She has days when she feels hypo active , and days when she feels really tired and doped up . She is on 9 different pills , valium , 2 different anti depressants , and sleeping pills .She has asked me to make a list for pros and cons , regarding CD and sex change , she is also going to do the same .She is a very practical and down to earth person .She calls a spade a spade .The 3 days she was away I only dressed twice , then not fully .
My wife has had depression before , but never as bad has this ,they is no mental illness in her family . It is all down to me .

[Sophie-W]

Hi ,
Thanks everyone for the comments .I posted on another site and this is the reply.

I do have empathy for your situation and have been through very similar turmoil myself.
Whilst I'm quite happy to tell you the story of my life and 30 year marriage I think that right now you urgently need some simple pointers towards a plan of action before you do anything terminal to your relationship.

Firstly...... one of the usual indicators of transsexualism is absent from what you have said so far - a very long held desire to actually BE a woman.
From what you have said you may be deeply transvestite and nothing more, in which case it IS perfectly possible for you and your wife to continue.
There are many happy couples where the husband is trans with the knowledge and often active participation of the wife - in that regard you are fortunate in that your wife is trying to make the best of the situation and has even been out and bought you some stuff and suggested that you go out together.
This is a VERY positive thing - many wives more or less simply walk out as soon as the situation becomes known to them.
The most important advice that I can give to you at this time is to slow down and calm down!

Dressing is an important part of your personality and cannot be denied - it is not a thing that will ever go away, as you have already realised.
But.... you have not been dressing for a long time and giving in to the urge after abstinence always brings a euphoria and a desire for more. You have also opened up and told your nearest and dearest which after years of secrecy and denial causes powerful emotions to surge.
Right now, you don't know your arse from your elbow - you're (both) far too stressed and disorientated to be making very important decisions about your own future or your future together.

The first thing to do is to stop scaring your wife so much!!! Stop saying at this point that you are transsexual and give it a little time while you work out for sure whether you actually are or not.
There are varying degrees of transvestism from masturbating whilst wearing a pair of knickers through to leading practically a complete double life and in that female component there may be no sex at all.
There are also many who ARE transsexuals, but for various reasons do not go along with it, finding a tolerable compromise instead.

The desire to be a woman is common to all these - it's a question of degree.
Transvestites also very much want to BE women, they don't really want to be a man-dressed-as-a-woman ...... but they only want it for a short time, they don't want to give up manhood forever.
There are transsexuals who definitely want to be women, but find that they are able to get along with much less - a quite high proportion of diagnosed transsexuals who are in the Program and have taken hormones do not make full transition. Some begin their transition intending to go all the way to genital surgery and then change their mind long before because they've reached a point where they've found enough peace of mind.

At this early stage and in the stress and confusion you are experiencing through finally dealing with this long suppressed "problem" you cannot possibly know for sure what you do want in the long term.
The one thing that is VERY clear is that both you and your wife care deeply for each other and if possible want to stay together.

I think that at this stage, this is what you should do:-
Stop telling the wife that you want to completely be a woman (sex-change surgery)
Start dressing regularly. Wife knows now and is prepared to try and accommodate so include her - go shopping for stuff for you, seek her advice, spend time together with you dressed, go out if possible.
- in other words, express this feminine side that you have kept secret for so long.
Get help! Contact the Beaumont Society immediately - as Becky says, they have strong support for wives and it would undoubtedly be helpful to your wife to talk to other wives who have had to deal with the same thing. Right now she will feel very alone - her entire world has crumbled without warning and she needs to know that it is possible to get through this, that others have done so and how.
Contact your nearest transvestite/transsexual group (Beaumont may advise where and how) and go to a meeting.

You need to take your time..... you may find if you do dress regularly, that alone is enough. Whether you are in fact transsexual and whether even then you are driven to go all-the-way is something that you can only decide when the dust has settled from your sudden revelations and you have had time to adjust to the new situation where you now have the freedom to express your feminine side on a regular basis.

Do not take any important decisions about your marriage or make sweeping statements about your future plans unt .I read this and agree with what she says .At the moment though I can't see my wife helping me choose clothes , or going out dressed ,it's just too soon .She thought that see could cope seeing me dressed ,then she had another set back .
I have shown my wife this post , and she said that's what she has been saying all along .I have read this post over and over ,and yes I think this is the answer, this is what I want .
I am going to see a psychologist this month , just to get some in put ,a solution , but I think I have found it , just need to have it clarified .When my wife went away for 3 days , she told me not to embarrass her , she meant not to go out dressed , we live in a small village .I will let you all know how I get on ,

[DonnaT]

one of the usual indicators of transsexualism is absent from what you have said so far - a very long held desire to actually BE a woman.

This is true for many who ID as TS, most of the time, but it's not true for everyone.

So, have you settled down and figured out who you are?

It is all down to me .

It may be a good idea to seek counseling with your wife. Suicide attempts should be taken very seriously. It is not all down to you. Marriage is a partnership.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Sophie,

First, welcome to our forum. I am a male to female transsexual, meaning I believe I am a woman born with a man's body. I have believed this since I was nine years old. I point this out because there is a huge difference between "wanting to be a girl" and being a girl in a man's body.

There are a lot of men out there that want to be girls, but they are not women and becoming women would not work for them. They enjoy dressing and they enjoy feeling feminine. They enjoy leaving male responsibility behind. But most of these people, it's only for a limited period of time. Some a few minutes, some a few hours, some a few days, some a few weeks, ,some a few months and even some a few years.

But at some point they want to be men again. I would not find myself in that catagory. While I can not afford to see psychiatrists or go on hormones and I certainly can not afford gender change surgery, I did transition my life five years ago. I live completely as a woman.

Now I am not saying this is not what you want, but I am saying that you should really take some time to explore it. Get a good therapist, coming here is also a wise thing. Here you can talk to people who vary from light crossdressing to those who have already had the surgery. Many on hormones and lots with relationships with woman. Some understanding, some not so understanding, some divorced.

There is no need to rush. Explore how you know you want to be a girl all the time. Have you considered giving up male privilege? Have you accepted possibly not being passable? Being disowned by family and friends? Social consequences like being kicked out of church or clubs? Being fired or laid off at work?

To be ready to transition means being ready to give up everything. It can and does happen. If you want to be a girl so bad that you are willing to give up everything. Then you are ready.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Absaroka]

Sophie you've gotten a lot of good thoughts here many of which boil down to take it slow, take time to realize just how you feel, and enlist professional help in doing so.

Something that has been glossed over by most of the replies except by Amelie is your comment that your wife has DID. If this is so, then your marriage has another long standing intense challenge. DID does not arise lightly and does not resolve itself simply. I had at one point a girlfriend who had this diagnosis. The entire thing cruised along in stealth mode for a number of years with people around her just finding her to be confusing at times. What brought it to the fore was that her husband got clean and sober. After a couple of years of his recovery she no longer had to be the strong one and came apart-literally. Years later after a lot of work, much of it painful, she knows who her alters are,they are all friends, and life is good. But it didn't happen with a few counseling sessions. She will need a tremendous amount of support from someone, probably a number of someones as this sort of thing is usually way beyong the ability of a spouse alone to deal with.

There is also the suicidal depression of your wife.This is probably the most immediate concern of all. Hopefully she is getting enough support that she will not actually kill herself. As someone who has had his parents make similar attempts I will say to you that at one time I was very greatful for the whole involuntary institutional thing. Having them locked up was a lot better than having them dead. I would say that all the sex change stuff, dressing, everything, has to for the moment take a back seat to getting your wife strong enough to withstand the onslaught of emotions that all the other issues, both her DID and your gender issues, will bring.

On to you. There has been a lot of good stuff said here, much of it reflecting the experience of the person posting it. My response is no exception to that. But your experience, who you are, is unique. Take what seems right to you from what we say but you are not any of us.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be the woman that I seem to have turned into my imaginary friend. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be whatever it is that I am not. But the bottom line is that I am a man, which is what makes "the other" so intriguing. Especially when " the other" is a part of so many people that I have loved so dearly, such as my wife, my sister, my mother. At the same time my daughters have commented that sometimes they felt I was trying to turn them into boys, mostly in choices of activities like taking them hiking, playing in the mud with them, and so on. I suspect that if I was a woman, a real woman and not a man playing dress up, with a womans psyche and my personality, that I would think about how much fun it would be to be a man.

To me the key here is acceptance. And what you are right now, as important as are you male or female or any of that, is confused and frightened. Acceptance that the answer will appear when it supposed to, and not before that. And that's okay even if it isn't pleasant. It is where you are supposed to be. And your most important decision right now is probably not do you want to be a woman. A far more reasonable decision is do you want to try to enlist some serious assistance to figure out where you want to go with this. And perhaps your most important decision is one that it sounds like you have made already, but are having trouble implementing, is to care for your wife who you love while you do this, and to find a way to keep her needs in the marriage of equal importance to yours.

Should you find yourself a therapist who can help you sort these things out, some of the questions you are asked will be very difficult. If they are not, you probably need a different therapist.

Hang in there. Keep posting. I don't envy you any of this.

Absaroka

[Tania María López]

I´m Spanish and I can see that you have moved to Spain. May be you want to contact with similar couples. There are groups of married CDs who meet regulary. They know good therapists.

[Sophie-W]

This weekend we had planned on going shopping with me dressed for fem clothes. My wife has joined a few mental health forums. The night before we were going shopping, I came into the room where my wife was. She was in a very bad way, she was crying and posting on the mental forum. I saw the post and asked her why she was feeling like that. She told me everything about how she was feeling, she had suicidal thoughts, and felt really desperate. She said that she needed to talk to someone , she also said that the psychologist had told her that if she felt bad, she had to go to the hospital. I asked her if she wanted to go, she said that she did. She packed some night clothes and toiletries in case they kept her. I knew things must have been bad has she was prepared to stay in a Spanish hospital, when she doesn't speak much Spanish . We went to the local hospital, it was late at night. We were told that we would have to go to another one, 45mins away.
My wife told them how she was feeling. They have prescribed another anti depressant , multi vitamins, and she has to have 6 injections for thiamin. We didn't get home until 4-30am. That day we didn't go out , my wife said she was sorry for putting me through this. I told her she had nothing to be sorry for, and that I was sorry for putting her through this. that night we went out. In one of the bars, they was a couple sat at the bar. The lad kept turning round to look at me, then said something to his girlfriend. I knew that I was a man in fem clothes.
This morning my wife was crying again, she told me the reason why. On Tuesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist, I will let you know how I get on.

[Susan]

Sophie

Good luck dear, you both have my very best wishes.

Susan