Rough seas again

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:42 pm

Lately I get up and put on my happy face and go to work and function as I should.Its just a show.Inside my emotions are eating away at me.No one around me cares how I feel,they say they do but their actions and lack of intrest in me tell a different story. Even my last friend is putting a lot of distance between us.Every time I reach out to someone I fall flat on my face.Its enough to discourage anyone.

Moving is not the answer,I would just be alone in a different place.I am a quiet,shy person and I know this doesnt help my situation.These last few days have found me in tears when I am home.I want so much for this to just go away,but I know it wont.I am not a bad person but why do I feel like one?I dont mean to be a wet blanket most of the time,but here is the only place where I can vent and have a chance of being understood.

I know eventually things will improve.I do feel a lot better about myself and who I am.I wish eventually would hurry up.

SharonRose · Post by **SharonRose** » Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:03 pm

Hang in there Jennifer. As you said, eventually it will all be better.

I know it helps to vent here on the Forum. And I know its hard when you are not able to talk about these things with the people you interact with at work and in your personal life.

For now I suggest you do something fun to cheer yourself up. Go shopping. See a movie. Take a "mental health day" off from work. Plan your next vacation.

And try to think positive.

Hugs,

Sharon

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:10 am

Hi Jennifer,

One of the most important of life lessons that I had to learn was that we can not change what other think, say or do and it's wasted effort to try. Trust yourself and do things that you enjoy. Make it all about you and what you will find is that the other stuff will fall into place. It's up to you to make you happy.

Being happy is a choice and you can decide to make yourself happy or not. No one else is going to do it if you do not. Instead of worrying about who is accepting you, stop worrying about it. You do not control that. You control you accepting you. Once you accept yourself, you will no longer care if others accept you. You will realize you are just as important as any other human being.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 11:51 am

Hi Jennifer--

Elizabeth wrote:

You control you accepting you. Once you accept yourself, you will no longer care if others accept you. You will realize you are just as important as any other human being.

I would add to this, that once you accept yourself, you open the door to attracting those who are more in tune with you. It's like dialing in a radio station--when you accept yourself, you suddenly send out a strong signal to everyone around you. I know that sounds very mystical, but something of that nature seems to occur.

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:25 pm

Thank you for the support.I am doing things that I like and that make me happy,and I work very hard at accepting me for who I am.Its just really tough when you keep reaching out for help from those that know and say that they care and finding out that their words are only that.Its like they are accepting but only if they dont see it or hear about it.

Its just been a rough week and I just really needed to vent and get it out of my system for a bit.I will always find my way wether its easy or not.

Thank you all for being here.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 9:25 pm

Hi Jennifer,

I understand, I have felt like you many times. I felt very betrayed by many of those who claimed they loved and cared about me, yet turned their back on me after I came out. But I finally figured something out. We were not feeling love the same way. To me love is unconditional. It does not require someone to conform. It's acceptance that we are all imperfect.

It's now very clear to me that some people just do not feel love that way. They feel that if a person loved them, that person would conform to their wishes. And I am sure there are many other ways that people view love, that is different than my view of love. So when we say we love someone, it actually may not mean the same thing to both parties. In the end, I have had to accept that.

I had to accept that I may have to stand alone to be me. But when I did, I found all the other people that were standing alone and it turned out I was not alone at all.

Love always,
Elizabeth

CynthiaD · Post by **CynthiaD** » Fri May 01, 2009 11:26 pm

What others have said is the truth. Accepting yourself is the first step toward happiness. The first step in accepting yourself is to forgive yourself for your shortcomings. It's not easy to do.

If you really like other people and are kind to them, forgive them for their shortcomings, they will like you back. Unfortunately, it's really hard to love others if you don't love yourself.

Cynthia

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Sat May 02, 2009 6:51 am

Anita wrote:Hi Jennifer--

Elizabeth wrote:
You control you accepting you. Once you accept yourself, you will no longer care if others accept you. You will realize you are just as important as any other human being.
I would add to this, that once you accept yourself, you open the door to attracting those who are more in tune with you. It's like dialing in a radio station--when you accept yourself, you suddenly send out a strong signal to everyone around you. I know that sounds very mystical, but something of that nature seems to occur.

Yes. They speak the truth. Public opinion really only matters in two things. Politics & organized professional sports. Since you're not responsible for the public well being & maintaining a stable government or filling seats on game day in some multi-bazillion dollar stadium, I say concentrate on what makes you happy, satisfied and content. Let everything else fall where it may.

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 7:25 pm

Well it happened,the rough seas turned into a typhoon and I sank.I went all the way to the bottom.At first the isolation was comforting.For a while I didnt let anyone near me emotionally.At work I was professional ,but that was it.I was all alone.
Then one day I realized that I was in a cold,dark place and that I didnt want to be there anymore.So I fought my way back up to the surface and started living again. I went places and did what I really enjoyed and even though I was still alone I was living again.I had thought I had accepted myself but while on the bottom I realized that I hadnt.I now feel like I have finally made it.I still consider myself in the closet as I havent been out as Jennifer,but I no longer hide from myself.I go shopping for femme stuff as my male self and no longer worry about what others think.I still worry about being seen as her but in time I feel I can grow past that also.I no longer suppress myself at home and I feel so much better in general.

Then the impossible(or so I thought) happened.I met someone.She is a very nice person and she knows about me.She hasnt seen much of Jennifer which is ok.I remember that baby steps are needed.When I need Jennifer time I am still alone but I dont mind and she doesnt seem to either.So I made it back,I missed being on the forum and the friends I had in all of you.I hope to become a part of this wonderful group again.Maybe I can get my SO(that sounds good to me) to join someday.

CharLee · Post by **CharLee** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 8:49 pm

It's good to see you back among us Jenn. It's still better that you have found a balance in you struggle as to who you are. But the best thing is that you have found someone to share with and support you so you won't feel all alone anymore.

Welcome back

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 3:30 am

Hi Jennifer ,

Rough seas , typhoon (or cyclone as we call it here in the southern hemisphere), now your experiencing calming seas , sounds like the sunshine is just around the corner.

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 6:02 pm

Welcome back Jennifer! I'm not surprised to hear life is better for you now. When you hit rock bottom, up is the only way to go. Good for you and best of luck in your new relationship.

Stephanie

Post by **KimberlyS** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:56 pm

Good to see you back and it is great when a person can pull their self out of the hold they are in. Every time you do it you become a stronger person.

kim
joe in a skirt

Kay · Post by **Kay** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 5:35 am

Welcome home Jennifer. best wishes to your new SO
Kay

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:13 pm

I'm glad things are going better for you. I hope your new friendship works out.

Absaroka