why did I start

[Absaroka]

One of the other posts got me thinking. I've writen a lot about this over the years here but I thought I'd sum it up again.

As to how I started, well I was playing hide and seek with my sibs and hid in the clothes closet and there they were, my moms dresses. End of story. I was 8. Funny thing is I had been in the closet playing hide and seek many other times and the clothes never affected me.

Fast forward to age 30. I was discussing this with my therapist. He asked me other questions about how I felt about my mom, what things were like when I was a child. A few weeks later we talked about the crossdressing again and he made the comment that to him it all just seemed like an expression of affection towards my mother. Of course by age 8 or perhaps because it was age 8 sexual feelings were mixed up with it, making it very powerful. And since it was a secret it became even more powerful, and simply stayed with me. I've come to learn, from watching my kids friends as I fold laundry (how simple is that) that 8 year old boys and lingerie seem to have a natural attraction for each other.

For me, and I am not saying this applies to anyone else in particular, although I suspect it does in fact apply to a great many crossdressers, it really seems to have started off that simply. Warm feelings toward a family member coupled with childhood sexual feelings. To put it both romantically and crudely all at once, if you can't be inside the woman at least be inside what she covers herself with.

As I said, secrecy and shame gave this tremendous power. I don't think this in parcticular was genetically hard wired in me. But it's been there long enough that it's emotionally or mentally hardwired. Just like once you learn to ride a bike and then ride for years, you never forget. It hardly seems worthy of a diagnosis or a page in DSM, any more than a stubbed toe. It's just one of these things that happen.

At this point I don't consider my taste in clothing a problem. I do consider how to fit this aspect of myself into society, at least the small society of my family, to be a bit of a problem.

That's not to say that a lot of other stuff doesn't have a genetic aspect, such as my theatrical or musical nature, or my emotional makeup, or simply being a bit of a drama queen. Some would call them a feminine aspect to my nature. Maybe so, but I don't really care. As the Bible says, we are made in God's image, male and female.

[Ann Stef]

The fascinatin of womans clothes got many of us at a young age. I had to wear my sisters clothes when all min were dirty. I have enjoyed it ever since

[Wesley]

Hey Absaroka,

Allow me to compliment you on some very succinct observations about cross dressing.

Like you, I don't think crossdressing is "hardwired" per se, but I do think there is some preconditioning that somehow allows the person to enter the "frame of reference" probably required to crossdress.

As you said secrecy and shame give the whole thing tremendous power. I think in many of us that do crossdress, we set up a pattern. It gives us, (especially during adolescence) a way to thumb our noses at the "Rules of society" You know, the ones that say, "men can never wear women's cloths or act in a feminine way.

I think too, that is why, for most of us as we get older, crossdressing, underdressing or whatever we do gives an amazing amount of stress relief.

[Leeza]

In my youth my mom made most of her clothing including undergarments. She was a very plain women with plain clothes.

My therapist thought it might be because all the women in my life were very dominering, but I don't realy think so.

My first experience with womens clothing was wearing a bra. It wasn;t that the bra felt good it was more that it was cold and my nipples didn't hurt.

Leeza

[Angela]

I was brought up in household consisting of my Mother, my four older sisters and me. So there was no shortage of female clothing, and I wore dresses, skirts etc. at every available opportunity. I didn't want to be a boy, I wanted to be a girl like my sisters, and I'm glad to say I still feel exactly the same way.