"Two roads parted in a wood..."

[Erin L]

I know there have been lots of comments on purging. Almost always, we attribute the urge to purge (sorry for the rhyme) to guilt and/or a determination to stop dressing. But as the urge is building in me (and has been for several weeks), I find myself looking at this a little more critically.

I last purged about three years ago. I started dressing again about a year ago, and came onto this forum a few months later. This forum has been a wonderful chance to meet with like-minded people (and some not so like-minded), and to discuss, seriously, many aspects of dressing. I’ve made some very nice friends, and Robyn Katie in particular sometimes feels like a sister to me.

I’ve also had the chance to post and get comments on my female autobiography. This was actually the second time I’d written one. In the first, much of what had been difficult and unpleasant in my life was screened out on the assumption that things would have been much different for Erin than they were for me, and I realized that my “autobiography” was, as such, an exercise in escapism.

I therefore decided that this time, I would keep everything as close to my actual experiences as possible, except for those things that being female would have had to change. The biggest differences were my approach to school and my willingness to open up to close friends about my family problems, particularly my father’s drinking. I have found this to be an illuminating exercise.

But, at the end of the day, it is still a fantasy. And lately, I have found myself thinking more and more about what I am going to write, how I am going to write it, and why. When I am alone, I find myself dressing compulsively, buying more clothing, shoes and lingerie, and risking being discovered by staying dressed longer and being increasingly unable to hide my girl clothes.

Another complicating factor has been my situation at work, which had eased for a while but which I now realize could very well ramp up anew. I have not underdressed at work in months because I feel an instinctive need to protect Erin from this pressure, and because I’m just not comfortable being anything but all-male in this environment. This in turn increases the need to focus on Erin and her story in my off hours, squeezing out other aspects of my life.

I have also been thinking of something else, and I posted about this in another thread. How much of my dressing is a need to accept my feminine side, and how much is an inability to accept the fact that I am really a male? To put it another way, is dressing up the only way to accept my feminine qualities? Or is it just the way I first chose, like many of you, when I was too young to really understand what was happening and why I was doing it?

When I am honest with myself, I acknowledge two basic truths – 1) I truly wish I had been born a female; and 2) I wasn’t. And I know I am never going to change either of those facts. In life, we often wish for things we can’t have – to be a great athlete, or a great writer, or a great musician. I know a woman who has wanted to be a writer all her life; she’s written at least one novel that I know of, and has never gone anywhere with it. But still she goes to writers conferences and spends untold amounts of time and money chasing a dream that is never going to happen to the detriment of her family.

My son is learning-disabled, and he went through a stage where he was very unhappy because he couldn’t be many things he would have liked to have been. It took him a long time to accept himself, and I’m not sure he’s completely there even now. But at the end of the day, we have to accept who we are or we are doomed to utter misery.

For me, that means accepting my maleness, despite some distinctly feminine characteristics. Even at this late stage in my life, I still need to do this. I have had difficulty accepting other things in my life – my wife once pointed out to me that I have a hard time letting go of things that are over. As a result, I have a lot of unfinished chapters in my life.

Is Erin “over”? No, I don’t think so. Erin is woven into the fabric of my life, but like a recessive gene, she remains to a certain extent invisible. To do otherwise is to distort who and what I am. I have been trying to live two lives, and I can’t continue to do that – each life steals something from the other. It becomes worse when one of those lives – the female one – is fantasy. I just can’t do it anymore.

So, I’ve decided to purge. I probably will keep a small stash of things – a pair of heels, a couple of bra-and-panty sets, a pink chiffon top I bought this spring that I like a lot. But I will store them away in the attic (accessible only by ladder, no one ever goes up there) as a hedge against what I know is likely to happen some time in the future – the desire to dress becoming irresistible.

I will try to find some other way to express the feminine side of my personality – a more natural way. I have no intention of trying to deny my feminine side, because that is as futile as trying to live two lives.

I make no predictions as to what the future may bring. And I certainly am not suggesting that my way is the only way. I don’t even know if it’s right for me. But it feels right, so for now, it’s what I’ll do.

I guess I’m really not that kind of girl.

Good night, and God Bless.

[Leeza]

Erin, I know what you will do will be what is best for you at least for the moment. Do what you need to do.

Leeza

[Anita]

Hi Erin--
Being creative with all of 'this' is really one of its best features. If you're willing to be outside of the accepted coloring lines, you can learn a lot from dealing with your femme side. Even when that relationship with 'her' is annoying you, or depressing you, it's still part of you, and you have to deal with it almost constantly. You can tune another person out; you can't tune out Erin so easily.

So you're going to do a new direction, and you'll learn some things about yourself while doing so. You reached a point where the old way is not working for you, and you've got to change. So go do it, and let us know how it unwinds.

[Robyn Katie]

Hi, Erin,

There's a lot that needn't be said here ... I've PM'd you separately.

I think we all go through this. I notice that contributors to this forum seem to go in waves, or tides ... Eventually they cut back, mostly lurk, or pass on. It's natural, and though it can be sad, it's going where the heart leads.

Fare well, Erin, for now at least. You will always be in our hearts ... and always welcome back when and if you want to revisit.

Love, Robyn Katie

[DonnaT]

Good luck Erin.

[DeeDee]

Erin
There are so many variables that we have to deal with. Some have families, some don't. Some are financially secure, some not. Bottom line is that we all (here) have this gift, and theres so many ways to deal with it. Believe me, early in life I thought I was a nutcase (like many others) and purged and said "never again". Well, I'm over that and hopefully time will help you also. So, best of luck with your decisions...we're always here.
Hugs
DeeDee

[Stephanie W]

Follow your heart Erin and you will find your happiness.

Stephanie

[Elizabeth]

Hi Erin,

I know just where you are at. I have been there not just once, but many times. Trying to accept the truth that I was born male and nothing can change that. The problem is not that we can't put the clothes away. The problem is not accepting we were born male. The real problem is accepting that "she" has needs that simply can not be met in our male lives.

I think we both know this purge is temporary. Even if the clothes did not make you feel wonderful, it's hard to deny that it does allow one to express the female part of themselves. It is a quandary. Which is more important? To accept one has a male body or to accept that one has a female mind? Why is it that we wish we were born female?

So I guess what I am saying is, you can't hide from her by accepting him. I think you are probably more afraid of her taking over your life than you are afraid of not accepting you were born male. I know for me I always had a pretty good idea that if I acknowledged that I was really Elizabeth and that is who I always wanted to be, that she would take over my life. Which of course she has.

The difference being, I knew I didn't have the need to be him, at least not personally. I only needed "him" to make money and when "he" could no longer make money, he was of little use to me. From what you said, you do not feel that way. You need both parts of yourself, him and her.

I believe that what you really need to do is to find a way to fully integrate Erin into your life. And yes I know, it's a lot easier said than done. But what I learned was that I could have done it any time. I just didn't know it. The cost would have been the same no matter when I did it and the rewards would have been greater had I done it sooner.

Good luck with your endeavor.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Erin L]

Just thought I'd post an update on things.

As I had posted a while back, one of the things that has really been pressing on me has been my situation at work, where my boss was hired (at 3X what I make) without any of the requisite knowledge to do the job, and then started cutting to pieces the department I'd built over several years. It's been made very clear that he wants to outsource our entire department, and everyone has been on pins and needles all year.

I'm finally delivered from this nightmare. I've found a new job, this one in the public sector - less money up front but far better benefits (which my company has been cutting left, right and center) and security. Most important, they made it clear to me when I was interviewed that they REALLY wanted me and the experience I bring. This is quite a change from the just-be-thankful-you-have-a-job attitude I've lived with for the past year or so.

Since you were all so supportive and caring when I was going through the worst of times, I wanted to tell you of my change in fortune.

[Virginia]

Hi Erin,

I am so glad that you have a "more comfortable position now?!" ON a more serious note, first I am sorry that I was not on line when you first posted (we were moving and........) anyway, I can't say "been there done that." As I have said before, my sisters here made me realize that Virginia has always been there for me, but during a most traumatic aspect of my life several years ago, she said, 'You need me now and here I am" and we have never looked back and we love it!
I truly believe that what I recently posted in another response to one of our sisters going down the path you are on, "balance" that seems to be the key to our "success." I have to disagree with your previous statement that "one steals from the other." I think that they would tend to support the other, well unless one is either jealous of the other or one is trying to slay the other, but that brings up another aspect in that you have to admit that they both EXIST given that scenario. Some of us just can not obtain, find, negotiate the balance and I guess we end up either "picking sides" or allowing the stronger of the two to dominate. Actually I am not sure what I am trying to say as not being a psychologist (well for that matter, hell, they don't even understand what is going on with us.) My point is that I still consider what we deal with in our own ways, is still a "Gift." What we do with it, how we apply it to our lives and if given the opportunity how we share it with others is an individual response.
I can only hope that you can find happiness in whatever path you choose and hope you will continue to share with us as I know some of your sisters here have/are/will struggle with the same ramifications of life and perhaps your responses will help them on their own "Magical Mystery Tour."
I am Virginia and Virginia is me!

Love you,

Virginia

[Michelle Miller]

Erin,

It's good to hear that you're doing better and not stressing over your job now.

I threatened to purge a few years ago, and my wife said "With all that money we've spent on that stuff? AwwwHELLNO!"

[Robyn Katie]

Hi Erin,

So happy for you!

All delights to you,

Love, Robyn Katie

[Absaroka]

Erin I'm glad the job thing is working out.

Yes that whole manager making lots of money to outsource folks to do stuff he doesn't understand sucks.

Ab

[Anita]

Hi Erin--
That is so good to hear about the new job. I hope there is a security and stability there.

[DonnaT]

Good for you, Erin, and congratulations!

I hope your previous boss takes a hard hit after losing you.