Therapy is coming ....

[Allena]

Hi, I'm just able to drop in for a sec.
Glad to hear of positive things in your life Jessie!
Just from your posts here, you sound like a wonderful, interesting person.
I'm hoping everything keeps moving in a good direction for you.
Thank you so much for keeping us posted.

[Jessie]

My next appointment is next monday at 9am. I am maybe going to wait tell we get past the evaluation period before I bring up my CDing (something my mom wants me to talk about).

Jessie

[Jessie]

Last night I went out with my father to watch a local collage team play on ESPN 2. Afterwards we went to have dinner together. I told him (not really nowing what would happen) that I have started seeing a new theropist. (in the past he has put it down as being hooky) However this time I think he seamend to be ok with it. He hopes that it will help me out. (or that is what I got the impression of)

Any way I am going to his house to change the oil in my car this morning. I will be wearing a bra and panties under jeans and and sweatshirt.

Jessie

[Kersten Lee]

Jessie,
I have suffered depression all my life. I have had so many things wrong
with me. I thought cding was just another. It's a wonder my wife stayed
with me all these years. She was never able to help me nor was I able.
A year and a half back, I went in to the woman factory personel
administrator. I had kind of got to know her. I spilled my guts about my
life of pain and self hate. She shared horrible things about her life and
childhood that I could have used to hurt her greatly. But she trusted me
and made me believe I could be better. After two more crying meetings,
she convinced me to go to a therapist that she recommended.
She will always be the key point in my life, when I began to become
better. Other professionals in my life when I was young (teachers, school
counselors, and two pastors) continued to throw me back under the train
with my parents horrendous abuse. Of course they were fine citizens.
I have had difficulty communicating with men and dealing with crouds
that you mentioned. My woman therapist has been an angel. We have
been working to put away all my self abuse issues. She has been using
technics that were developed to help Viet Nam war vets with delayed
stress syndrome. Horrendous child abuse mimics the same symtoms.
She has never told me what to believe, but has offered her opinions
occasionally. She never condemed my cross dressing. I told her about it
my 6th meeting believing it probably needed to be looked into to effect a
a cure for my depression. She even chuckled a bit over me thinking
cross dressing was a serious issue.
I have and am finding myself to be a wonderful human being. I've
found that God doesn't see me as a sinner because I love a skirt and
heels. Some of these things complete me as a person. Cding has become
a wonderful happiness for me as my other serious problems are being
solved.
You must be open to new possibilities to grow. But don't forget that
deep inside you, you will know what is right and what's wrong. Don't
let even a therapist try to coerce you in behavior that your not
comfortable with. My therapist has never tried to coerce me. I am so
lucky! I have heard numerous terrible therapist stories. Trust yourself
to know if this therapist is right for you.
Sending good energy your way,
Kersten

[Jessie]

thanks four your response Kersten Lee,

It's hard to hear when one was abused as a child when those who are saposavely to protect you from the horrors or terriables things in the world are the cause of some of that pain. I have some of that from my father though I (from just reading your post) do not belive that it was as bad as to what you may have gone through.

By the way do you still see a theropist?

Jessie

[Loretta Ann]

Jessie,

I also suffered criminal child abuse for 16 years, and further abuse for another 34 years, at which time I found myself in the worst crises of my live. A situation which I survived losing everything except my life, which caused me to sit back and ask myself what I had done wrong to end up in a situation such as that.
It has been an up hill climb since then, not easy by any means, but well worth it.
I just want to support the information and advice that Kersten has given you. I have nothing to add, she has been very good at what she has written. I can do nothing but recommend it.

Respectfully.
Darlene.

[Kersten Lee]

Hi!

Darlene, thank you. I know of what you share.

Jessie, yes I am still going to my therapist. I still have a lot of negative
automatic responses to day to day occurences. Sorry, I'm slow with
names. But someone ends their posts with something like; it's good to be
the master of one's self. That has been my goal to be happy and to be
what I know myself to be. I have been stoppped by the negative beliefs
about myself. These beliefs have helped me to be someone I'm not.
One of those bad things was my screaming at my wife over small issues,
because of some slight I felt during the day or my constant feelings of
inadequacy. I liked to hurt myself because I felt I deserved to be hurt.
I haven't had the "hurt myself feelings" for over 6 months now.

With my wife, things have been up and down. Last summer as I was
beginning to like myself, I couldn't understand why my wife wasn't
more happy. My therapist, Sara, explained how my wife and I got
together and survived this last 29 years because our disfunctions
complemented our togetherness. I needed a mother and she loved to
mother me. This is the simple explanation. My wife, Cindy, began to
dislike Sara more and more.

Last week got really ugly, and Cindy walked out on me. I took a call-in
at work. Cindy always refused to go to a therapist, when I asked.
I always told her I would go to whom ever she wanted. That day, Cindy
called to tell me to be at a marriage counselor of her friend's. It went
great and we have been enjoying the last 4 days a lot. I have high
expectations, but I am realistic. Things probably worked out for the best.
I could never have gotten through the first session except for my
previous 1.5 years of therapy.

I write so long because I hope to help others by sharing my experiences.
I hope I'm not to preachy. This is only my story. I can now accept that
all people are individuals. Another fault of mine was the general belief
that all should hold my values. I am getting past that and see the
world as a better place to be. You both have confirmed this by being part
of my better world.

Thank You,
Kersten

[Jessie]

I had my second session with the doc. This time we talked about how things in my past have affected me currently. We talked about that itch that sometimes comes and goes (figureative talk for other reason not described here). I am unsure when we shall have our next appointment together but he said he will get in touch with me. It is interesting he has no secratary and does all the billing and insurance work himself. That in itself I find very interesting about him and the way he talks to me asking questions that make me want to talk about things. It is cool.

Jessie

[Beauty]

Hi Jessie,

I'm proud of you for going to therapy. That rocks you care enough about yourself to take time out of your day to go and get help for yourself. (Seeing a therapist)



Thanks for letting us know about it. I hope you continue your visits and that you keep us in the loop as much as you'd like.

Beauty

[Kersten Lee]

Jessie,
I had my session tonight. It went well. I learned more about myself
tonight. I don't wish to share the details this time.

I am so happy that it sounds good for you. It sounds similar to my
experience that he is easy to talk to and evidently hasn't heaped
bad vibes on you. I'll continue to hope that good happens for you.
Kersten

[Beauty]

Cool Kersten!

You'll be so happy you've done this.



It's VERY understandable why you don't want to share things that happened. It sounds like it was a positive meeting.

Best of luck!!!

Beauty

[Julie Miller]

Good luck Jessie.

Having gone through therapy myself, I can tell you it helps to have someone to talk to. The goal is self acceptance.

Best wishes,

Julie Miller

[Jessie]

Well I had another session with my therapist today (have I said how much I like the doc) talked a lot about my anxiety that experience. Last week it was BAD. Am not quite sure when I will tell him about my CDing. My mom keeps asking me if I have brought it up with him. She also wants me to ask about anti-anxiety medications. (that however brings up anxiety)

Jessie

[Beauty]

Hi Jessie,

I'm glad you like your doctor.

What did you mean about anxiety?

Beauty

[Jessie]

Well anxiety is my main problem in life. I have trouble controlling it. And when it compounds I begin making mistakes and becomes harder for me to process stuff. Then my nervous system goes hay wire in sorts. handshakes. It takes me a lot of time to come down from these anxiety attacks.

However for some reason CDing calms my nerves. Maybe it is the change that sometimes need.

Jessie