Hello Jamie,
It’s quite true when you say that “ being different isn’t something to be ashamed of ” because it’s an absolute fact that there’s diversity in all forms of life, both in plant and animal. The shame of it isn’t how people are born, the real shame is that sections of people set themselves apart from others and believe that their ‘way’ is the right way, when in fact there is no right or wrong in how people are born, we are what we are, and we do what comes naturally because that’s natural for any given person. Within the natural world there is no necessity to be socially sexed, in the world of nature what is, just is, but in our world of human beings a need has developed for people to be socially sexed and that fact confirmed and reinforced, and depending on the result everyone is conveniently placed into ‘their pigeon holes.’
Over my life I used to nearly drive myself silly trying to fathom out the why’s and wherefores of being born as I was. Growing up, I idolized my older brother and would have given anything to be the person he was, but it just wasn’t me and my life never began to improve until I came to the realization that I’m just naturally somewhere else in the various gradations on the spectrum with male at one end and female at the other.
I believe that we have to develop a relationship with our ‘self’ where we accept that we are simply what and who we are born as, and that sex is a concept which is as all encompassing and as vast as the number of individual human beings trying to define it, and it’s paramount that we not give in to any label which others may impose on us, but we as individuals define who we are, and that involves accepting the responsibility of being who we wish to be and what’s right for us, not that which others may wish us to conform to.
It’s unfortunate that anyone has to feel different, not just us, but anyone, but that’s a legacy of the culture which has built up moral codes over many generations, which have evolved into a set of fixed ideas which have been set in place by those in positions of authority, presumably to simplify things for ‘their subjects’ who they see as people with less of an overview, and to ensure those ‘subjects’ live their life by ‘following the rules’.
These moral codes are set in place so that if people stray then they feel a sense of guilt in that they’ve done something bad, and the idea is to control people by having them live up to arbitrary limiting rules in their behavior, and these rules are often positioned as if they were decreed by the “Gods’, which gives them maximum effect.
You said, “So why (yes another why) I have, at the start of my seventh decade on this planet, started to give in to my feelings, and at least on occasion felt so comfortable with myself, is a mystery to me.”
Have you considered that maybe for the majority of your life, due to your family situation, your work and social scene, you were inhibited from allowing your true self some latitude.
Maybe you’ve now reached that time in your life where you’re able to ‘forgive yourself’ and be able to take more responsibility for your actions, to realize that maybe it’s not that you’re different from anyone else, maybe it’s just that they’re different from you and that’s the way it was meant to be.
Maybe the time has simply come for you to free up those ‘fixed rules’ and the belief that there is only one right or wrong way of behaving. Nothing is ever black and white and the fixed rules of how we should behave are just the same as any fixed rules, their limits can be tested and what they’re trying to accomplish seen from a different viewpoint.
I know that the overall situation of my life improved markedly when I allowed ‘her’ to take the reins and come to the fore. It was something which was meant to be from day one, but was pushed into a dark corner in the effort to conform to ‘the rules’, but we alone know the real truth of what was meant to be and if we suppress our true feelings we’re prevented from growing naturally, and it literally becomes a case of we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t.
As CJ says, there’s usually a scientific reason for most things in our world, and unfortunately language produces and constructs much of our world.
What I’m getting at is that if there isn’t a word for something then the majority of people say it doesn’t exist, and the extension of that is that most of the community don’t identify in a positive manner with the words used to define any of us, and we know that people construct barriers and harbour fears of anything they can’t grasp or understand, and for that we have to forgive them because we ourselves, really don’t understand why we have these strong alignments to the female, it’s just something which is. Science will define it one day, but probably not in our lifetime.
The physical aspects of our body is one thing and the ‘spirit’ is another, if the two don’t match as 'they'd like, then that’s beyond our control. I’ve often said that my life would have been better if I’d not been born as I am, but that’s not because of anything within myself, it’s because of how I’ve been treated by others due to how I am.
If I’d been allowed to live my life free of angst and as the person nature intended me to be, then everything would have been fine, but ‘the makers of the rules’ saw things different, and if we don’t ‘jump through their hoops’ we’re open to all sorts of manipulation and guilt trips.
I say, don’t give them the satisfaction, don’t stress over your feelings, go forth and be your own little individual ‘snowflake’.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
- I need a makeover 
Umm, maybe because you are transgendered, like many of us? Dual gendered or bi-gendered may be better terminology, but you go with what label is available.
(sorry had to get my dig in. Been there, done that, done wanna go there again). 