Getting Back with a Brief Update

[Maggie]

I last posted here about two years ago, with a thread in which I announced that I was "not TG after all." At that time I had not crossdressed for two months. I had been living successfully as a man without the intense anxiety, chest pains, and mental noise that had previously plagued my male persona.

In the interest of sharing data that some of you might find helpful, I am back with a status report.

I was successful in resisting any form of crossdressing for approximately 14 months. During this time I did, nevertheless, look at pictures and videos of myself as a woman and I fantasized a lot about crossdressing. Although I still had fond memories of my experiences as a woman, I was now having rewarding relationships with real women. I did not regret my decision to quit crossdressing.

Then, after 14 months, I was confronted with the monumental task of having to review, in only one weekend, two years' worth of material in preparation for a crucial exam. (As a man, I am an incorrigible procrastinator.) I found it impossible to study because of my anxiety, and I had no time to spare. I could not use alcohol to relax, because it would impair my faculties, nor anti-anxiety pills, which would put me to sleep. The only timely solution was to crossdress and temporarily become a woman again. As in the past, my female persona calmly and methodically took charge. She accomplished the studying with amazing concentration and stamina. Thanks to her, I passed the exam.

Since then, I have privately crossdressed a number of times to accomplish similarly stressful tasks. However, I have not gone out in public or to TG meetings. Nor have I done anything to enhance my passability - such as shaving body hair, plucking eyebrows, or applying nail glue - because I do not want to leave any evidence of crossdressing.

I'm still not sure whether the "real," internal me is male or female, or whether I'm "bi-gender" or what. I am currently able to enjoy being a man, although thoughts of crossdressing keep returning.

I decided to post this update because we can be misled by initial reports when we don't learn how things turned out later. One of my inspirations to transition had been the story about Mike Penner, a sports writer for the LA Times, who gained wide attention when he decided to become "Christine Daniels" back in 2007. Now I have read that "Christine" has mysteriously disappeared and "Mike" has returned.

Best wishes,

Me

[Elizabeth]

Hi Maggie,

And let me say, "welcome", it's good to see you. I know me and you have discussed before about what it means to quit dressing. It doesn't really matter if one dresses or not, if the desire is still present. I have refrained for years at a time. It's just part of the denial.

When you talk about accessing a part of you that is only available if you dress like a woman, it really says a lot about what is going on with you. It's not the clothes that are helping you. It's the part of yourself that you don't allow expression. Maggie is with you all the time. She is a part of you. And as you have found, you can ignore her at your own peril.

Everyone is made from one man and one woman. I don't know why it surprises men when they find out they have female traits and abilities, when they are half female.

But I fear I may be preaching to the choir here. Your post leads me to believe you already know these things. But it is good to see you and that you are well.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[S. Lisa Smith]

Hi, welcome back. I hope you have found a balance in you life. I enjoy being a man, however I also enjoy this part of my life. I wouldn't trade either one. Be well!!!

[Virginia]

Ah, the trials and tribulations of "Maggie." As Elizabeth eluded to you can deny her, ignore her, suppress her, repress her but "her" is there. I am not the least bit amazed as the "results" you got by letting Maggie just be Maggie! Virginia does the same thing for me only I have not ignored her or even tired to for many years and she always, ALWAYS comes through for me!!!!! It is that balance that for those of us who (so far) have chosen not to transition, that balance makes life wonderful. I also can say that balance is not necessarily a 50/50 proposition. It is simply finding the time required to keep you both happy and content with each other.

Hope you stay but if not, for what its worth, I think of you often and wish for you only the best and happiness on your "Magical Mystery Tour!"

Love,

Virginia

[DonnaT]

Hi Maggie, back.

[Anita]

It's always good to see you on here, Maggie. I appreciate your updates, and have noted that few if any ever come back to tell us how the new direction turned out.

[CJ]

Good to see you again, Maggie. Let me join my sisters in welcoming you back to the site and in thanking you for giving us an update.

You know, Maggie, you don't really need to come up with rational justifications for allowing the "Maggie" part of you to express itself. Just do it. It doesn't matter what your status is, whether you're bi-gendered or not; if you experience a deep-rooted need to express your femininity through the act of crossdressing, stifling that need will only lead to anxiety and depression or various other dysfunctions.

Let "Maggie" out once in a while. Crossdressing is not incompatible with having rewarding relationships with real women, by the way. It just takes some artful negotiation of boundaries. You say you haven't done anything to enhance your passability and that you want to leave no evidence of crossdressing. Is this because you are currently in a relationship with an SO from whom you're hiding this essential aspect of who you are? If so, Maggie, you best think well on the implications of such "closetedness." In hiding youself from your SO, you force yourself to hide from yourself as well. Also, by not laying all the cards out on the table, you're not giving your SO a chance to play with a full deck. She'll resent this if she ever accidentally discovers "Maggie."

But the choice is yours.

Love,
CJ

[Maggie]

Crossdressing is not incompatible with having rewarding relationships with real women, by the way. It just takes some artful negotiation of boundaries. You say you haven't done anything to enhance your passability and that you want to leave no evidence of crossdressing. Is this because you are currently in a relationship with an SO from whom you're hiding this essential aspect of who you are? If so, Maggie, you best think well on the implications of such "closetedness." In hiding youself from your SO, you force yourself to hide from yourself as well. Also, by not laying all the cards out on the table, you're not giving your SO a chance to play with a full deck. She'll resent this if she ever accidentally discovers "Maggie."

I told her early on that I am a "drag queen," and I have shown her photos and videos of some of my past performances on stage. I also mentioned to her that I'm bi-gender, but assured her that I have no intention of becoming a woman. While she says she appreciates my honesty, she's made it clear that she wouldn't like it if I started shaving my arms and legs.

[Absaroka]

Welcome back Maggie. It's always nice to hear from folks who've been away for a while and to hear what's happened while away.

Just as Maggie will always be a part of you, she will be a part, perhaps not the whole. Sometimes some of our "parts" need to take a nap. Then they wake up. It's just where we happen to be at any particular time of our lives.

Zari

[Bernice]

Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist, and with all due respect to Rod Stewart).

Welcome back. In a way, I’m sorry for you that you’ve fallen off the wagon, because I think you very much wanted to be rid of the urges permanently. As you found out, refusing to act on your urges didn’t make them go away.

You are quite correct that we don’t always get to hear “the rest of the story”. I did think I had read that Mike Penner had come to a free-will conclusion that he was not cut out for transition after all. This lends credibility to the long and arduous road those who must have SRS must go through for certification.

Then too, I wonder how my friend Darlene ADAMS has fared, ever since he decided to purge in 2006 because that need had somehow mysteriously disappeared. He and I have not remained very good penpals, sad to say.

I’ve just come off of four days entirely in Drab. I had no idea how long it would last, but there was no effort on my part to make it last. My personal “longest” was about four months.

I know this is hardly original and almost cliché, but what you wear is nobody’s business but yours, and has very little to do with who you are. Wherever you are on the spectrum from male to female, acceptance is about the most universally important thing about it.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Jan W]

I don't know about all this. I have come to the realisation that this just does not ever go away.

I have times when it abates - usually when I am totally involved in some project but it ALWAYS comes back with a vengeance. This could be just me but from my reading on the subject it seems pretty conclusive.

Anyway I wish you luck Maggie in your attempt to sort yourself out.


Jan

[Maggie]

Thanks for all of your moral support and good wishes.

You are right about Maggie. She won't go away, because she can't. As I am again coming to realize, she is at the core of my being - the true "inner me."

So, what do I do now? Although I've previously proven that I can comfortably pass as a woman in society - even without hormones or surgery - I have rejected the option of transitioning. I have too much invested in my male identity. But how much longer can I maintain this facade? I wish our society made it easier for us to live bi-gendered lives.

My journey continues.

[DonnaT]

As long as you are functioning as a male, why transition?

[Kimberly Kael]

As long as you are functioning as a male, why transition?

Not that transitioning is easy or even desirable for someone who feels strongly bi-gendered, but isn't your statement setting a pretty low bar?

I would hope that we're all looking for more out of life than being merely functional. There's a lot to be said for being happy, even excited about your life instead of merely capable of carrying on with the status quo.

[Michelle Miller]

As long as you are functioning as a male, why transition?

Not that transitioning is easy or even desirable for someone who feels strongly bi-gendered, but isn't your statement setting a pretty low bar?

I would hope that we're all looking for more out of life than being merely functional.

Kinda like a bum winning a giant lotto & still living in a cardboard box and pushing a shopping cart...sure, they're 'functional'...

But they could do better...